Success Stories

[OWoman]

The dominant response to the earlier (closed) thread purporting to be a "success story" was - from all sides - Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch. Most people were stating this truism from a desire to protect the OP against the possible / probable outcome of things not turning out quite as she expected, but from the OP's responses it appeared as if her MM's verbal exchange with her - the hotel scene that was compared to a film script - was sufficient "success" for her to claim victory.

 

Some fOWs whose fMM left their xWs also weighed in cautioning against terming something a "success story" even at that point, and other views from other posters made me wonder - what constitutes a "success story"? Is it:

 

 

• when the MM tells the OW he intends to leave his W for her?
  
• when the MM tells the OW he intends to leave his W for her, and the OW believes him?
  
• when the MM tells his W he intends to leave her, and she believes him?
  
• when the MM leaves his W?
  
• when the MM leaves his W, and he lands up with the OW?
  
• when the MM leaves his W, lands up with the OW, and they're still together x no of years on?
  
• when the fMM and fOW are still together x no of years on, still blissfully in love, the A a distant memory?
  
• when the OW says, enough! and walks away from the A?
  
• when the BW says, enough! and dumps the MM?
  
• when the MM recants and spends the rest of his life trying to atone for his heinous crimes, forever after in the debt of his loving W?
  
• when the story gets so juicy it gets an extended slot on Jerry Springer?
  
• when all players - OW, MM, BW, kids, any interested others - are at peace with the outcome, whatever that is?
  

 

I'm sure different people have different views - mine tends to be closest to the last one, though I'm reality-based enough to know that sometimes interests are in direct opposition to each other so that there may be some "zero sum" involved (ie someone's gain is necessarily somoene else's loss) in which case I'd go for maximum happiness for maximum people.

 

I'd be interested to hear from others what their views are.

[Confused4Now]

 

• when the fMM and fOW are still together x no of years on, still blissfully in love, the A a distant memory?
  
• when all players - OW, MM, BW, kids, any interested others - are at peace with the outcome, whatever that is?
  

 

For me it would be these two...but I sure would like to see the percentages on the bottom one.

[ednadean]

I think success is definitely

 

fOW and fMM being together for the long-term, happy -- and the BS having found someone else that made her happier as well.

 

I think when there's children involved -- success is very difficult in the above scenario

 

I also think a personal success story is if you're in an A or EA and you realise and have the strength to walk away -- even if you're hurting really badly -- because you know it will only get worse, for everyone if you keep the A going. I think doing that makes you less naive, and a stronger, less selfish, better person.

[LaGazelle]

The dominant response to the earlier (closed) thread purporting to be a "success story" was - from all sides - Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch. Most people were stating this truism from a desire to protect the OP against the possible / probable outcome of things not turning out quite as she expected, but from the OP's responses it appeared as if her MM's verbal exchange with her - the hotel scene that was compared to a film script - was sufficient "success" for her to claim victory.

 

Some fOWs whose fMM left their xWs also weighed in cautioning against terming something a "success story" even at that point, and other views from other posters made me wonder - what constitutes a "success story"? Is it:

 

• when the BW says, enough! and dumps the MM?
  
• when the MM recants and spends the rest of his life trying to atone for his heinous crimes, forever after in the debt of his loving W?
  
• when the story gets so juicy it gets an extended slot on Jerry Springer?
  
• when all players - OW, MM, BW, kids, any interested others - are at peace with the outcome, whatever that is?
  

I'm sure different people have different views - mine tends to be closest to the last one, though I'm reality-based enough to know that sometimes interests are in direct opposition to each other so that there may be some "zero sum" involved (ie someone's gain is necessarily somoene else's loss) in which case I'd go for maximum happiness for maximum people.

 

I'd be interested to hear from others what their views are.

 

 

For the avoidance of doubt , could you please clarify what you mean by the 2 points highlighted above. Do you mean that :

 

• The BW dumps the MM, so the OW can hopefully have him?
  
• The husband ends the affair and devotes himself to the woman he vowed to commit to, so they can rebuild their marriage
  

For me , I think the outcome most beneficial to all parties would be for the affair to end, so that the MM can rebuild his marriage and the OW can find a man with whom she can build an honest relationship with - someone who can be in a committed realtionship that is not forever underpinned by guilt and mistrust.

[jwi71]

I'll repeat myself I suppose.

 

I think that ALL stories here end in success.

 

Most posters here come seeking answers to their pain/unhappiness/misery...pick your adjective. So for me, success is the end of those feelings as they relate to the A. Now how that end manifests itself (your list Owoman) is of little consequence to me as long as the OP is happy.

 

What tends to happen is competition between AP and the BS. This is the "success" often referred to. The OW/OM must win the MM/MW. Otherwise they lose. Measured by that then most A's end in failure. Although I would say the opposite....then end of the A (and the associated negative emotions) is a major success for all parties.

 

My .03 (it was .02 but inflation is coming...I'm just ahead of the curve).

[2sure]

For some reason, and maybe its me...

But when the terms "success" and OW are used in the same sentence...it sounds as though the whole thing is a competition between the wife and OW with the success being OW winning the prize - the MM.

 

But I do know it isnt always a competition. It seems like the already begun ending of a marriage often coincides with the entry of OW. Success?

 

In any case, one person's success in these scenarios goes hand in hand with heartbreak for someone. The wife, the kids. Success?

 

But hey - kids survive. Heartbreak happens. We all move on. Probably for the better.

[LaGazelle]

For some reason, and maybe its me...

But when the terms "success" and OW are used in the same sentence...it sounds as though the whole thing is a competition between the wife and OW with the success being OW winning the prize - the MM.

 

 

I think you hit the nail on the head here. Underpinning all the emotions I often see on these forums, is the sense that for many OW feel bruised that the BW often "wins" in the end, which would suggest that many do see it as a competition.

 

I guess many girls/women are socialised to believe that in order to for them to win their prizes in life, other women must suffer a loss. So, they compete for the best job, the best man, to wear the best clothes etc. even if what's best for another woman is not best for them. It's also partly evolutionary psychology - i.e women tend to feel more powerful if they win a man from another woman, as opposed to just getting a man who is not taken. This is evident in all the "mate poaching" studies that have been conducted over the years - a woman's interest in a man is always shown to be heightened by other women's interest in him, all other things being equal. That's life.

[boldjack]

As a F/OM, success was A) getting sex with the MW. B) Not getting caught. and C)being able to end it, after having gotten (A) and being sure of (B). Pretty f**ked up values, I had.

[bentnotbroken]

As a F/OM, success was A) getting sex with the MW. B) Not getting caught. and C)being able to end it, after having gotten (A) and being sure of (B). Pretty f**ked up values, I had.

 

 

Do you see that you used the word in the past tense? That is change. You have made no bones about your choices and the consequences, that is owning your *****, BRAVO.

[White Flower]

As a F/OM, success was A) getting sex with the MW. B) Not getting caught. and C)being able to end it, after having gotten (A) and being sure of (B). Pretty f**ked up values, I had.

BJ you crack me up!

 

OWoman, I think the last choice was the best one:

 

when all players - OW, MM, BW, kids, any interested others - are at peace with the outcome, whatever that is?

 

I wanted to back up FoH's hopes and dreams but we've all heard the same story, almost scripted, and most of us didn't get the happy ending she was sure she was getting. We've only seen a handful of success (with the OW "winning") stories here at LS.

 

I think most people just wanted to warn her to be careful before jumping her gun. Perhaps she had hopes in setting her story up early in order for us to follow it with anticipation; to allow it to unfold exactly as she had foreseen it. Kind of like a soap opera to be watched daily.

 

Even if this was the case, and it didn't go well, she would have reveived support and compassion from most of us...and a few, 'I told you so's'...from others.

[wildsoul]

I think success (not crazy about that word either) is when:

• All members of the triangle are operating under the same truths: No one is being actively betrayed, and any lurking confusion has been settled, decided, and acted upon.
  
• Everyone is in acceptence of the outcome, even if they aren't happy yet.
  
• Ultimately, everyone getting to a place of happiness in their lives, whether that be with eachother, without eachother, and/or with someone better!
  

[Adunaphel]

I consider it a successful story when:

- MP and OW/M get a chance of having a real relationship.

- the affair gives both MP and BS the chance to leave a marriage they were not happy in anymore and find someone to be happy with.

- OW/M finds out that the MP is a manipulative liar and manages to end the affair, cope with it and find a single person who will love them.

 

It's not about the relationship working out, it's more about stopping with the lies or finding out that the MP hadn't been lying at all.

[GreenEyedLady]

A success story happens when people live authentically and are happy with the life they have.

 

And everyone ceases to be identified as an acronym as just become people.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

I think there are no successes when it comes to affairs. There are just better and emotional healthier ways to get the love and attention we want.

 

But once an affair occurs, success is definitely relative to the position of the person in the triangle desiring it. Thus, making it a competition. Relationships are never healthy or even happy when competition with an outside other is involved.

 

The OP of the other thread was claiming success based on some pretty circumstancial evidence. We would have said similar things to a BW who was still being gaslighted by her still stepping out H.

[White Flower]

I think there are no successes when it comes to affairs. There are just better and emotional healthier ways to get the love and attention we want.

 

But once an affair occurs, success is definitely relative to the position of the person in the triangle desiring it. Thus, making it a competition. Relationships are never healthy or even happy when competition with an outside other is involved.

 

The OP of the other thread was claiming success based on some pretty circumstancial evidence. We would have said similar things to a BW who was still being gaslighted by her still stepping out H.

Good point NID. You're right.

 

Yet I think OWoman's point was to know at which point would one feel successful and I think usually this comes after contemplating whether to end a A for the very reasons you listed above or leaving the M in order to be with the AP. I'm not sure anyone feel successful in the middle of an A.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

When his marriage is over, and he is emotionally over the end of his marriage, and we begin having a real relationship that is open (not hiding at work still) then that is my success story.

 

His success story would also be that or if he decides his marriage has something worth saving, and that's what he decides will make him happy, then I am happy for him as well.

[Lyssa]

when all players - OW, MM, BW, kids, any interested others - are at peace with the outcome, whatever that is?

 

 

For me, it'll be this one. My fiance told me that xW has started dating again after being encouraged by him and a few friends. Children are happy, in-laws are still talking so that's a good thing. xW and I are slowly building a friendship for the children's sakes which is fine by me.

 

But for some people, this is still not a success - perhaps I'll come back to this one when we exchange our vows .

[joyz]

for OW:

 

she ends up w MM and W finds happiness w someone else and W thanks her breaking up the marriage, or

 

OP finds real happiness w someone else and learns humility from experience w/ MM and apologize to W

 

for W:

 

ends up w MM, forgives him and tries to be happy. the family remains intact. or

decides to end marriage and actually ends up finding a much better man

 

for MM:

 

Him, W and OP shares same bed and live happily ever after...

[tami-chan]

f

for MM:

 

Him, W and OP shares same bed and live happily ever after...

 

 

LOL! he can dream, can't he? :p:p!!!!

[SidLyon]

 

for MM:

 

Him, W and OP shares same bed and live happily ever after...

 

Exactly! My H shared a fantasy with me today in which I (the BW) and the OW wrestled in red jelly - in my country this is not jam but a wobbly thing serve as a dessert.

 

I should say that we are trying to rebuild our marriage - he has gone NC with the OW and yes we are having fun together.

 

For me there is still a tinge of sadness for the OW as I know she is hurting badly - as am I still - and it is my H that has engineered this - with her willing participation of course - so I don't have too much sympathy for her; but do grieve that my H who was always a man of integrity before has done this to himself and the people he loves

 

Cheers

S

[OWoman]

Exactly! My H shared a fantasy with me today in which I (the BW) and the OW wrestled in red jelly

 

Sid, I'm curious - what was his role in the fantasy - referee? Audience? Judge? prize? It seems like an interesting fantasy, and possibly a metaphor for how he viewed the whole A...

[fooled once]

A success story happens when people live authentically and are happy with the life they have.

 

And everyone ceases to be identified as an acronym as just become people.

 

GEL

 

I agree!

 

And I agree with the poster that said each story has a success of its own - whether it is breaking free of an A; whether it is a BS kicking the cheater to the curb or in the very rare case of an A turning into a real, HONEST relationship.

 

In the end, someone is always hurt, but hopefully comes away from the situation with more knowledge, experience and strength than they had before the situation happened.

[Holding-On]

I think success (not crazy about that word either) is when:

• All members of the triangle are operating under the same truths: No one is being actively betrayed, and any lurking confusion has been settled, decided, and acted upon.
  
• Everyone is in acceptence of the outcome, even if they aren't happy yet.
  
• Ultimately, everyone getting to a place of happiness in their lives, whether that be with eachother, without eachother, and/or with someone better!
  

 

Ah WildSoul, you are awesome.

 

Even though it was a failure, as a relationship, I grew so much. Some from here and a lot of other reading and talking. A lot more self-awareness and a bit more understanding of human sexuality. A lot more compassion. It has prompted me to get up off the couch in a great many ways.

 

A chance for the MM to re-evaluate his life, and he did.

 

Even for the "BS", there might have been some benefit. I'll never know.

Still an opportunity for growth and change was presented. Ignored, most probably, but presented. A big kick to re-evaluate their ideas about their relationship, and their attitudes to one another or maybe even what they wanted in a relationship after all.

 

so there is some success by your yardstick in this experience

 

[tami-chan]

Until the pillow being held over his face puts a stop to the dreams.

 

Jeez, a little violence there....

[Touche]

Jeez, a little violence there....

 

It's called a sense of humor.