rm68 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I first started dating my boyfriend last June. Things have been pretty consistent for a while now, meaning that we pretty much have a routine going each week. I stay overnight at his place the same 3 nights a week, he'll stop by in between those nights to hang out at my place, we have cooking nights, days when we hang out with my daughter (she's almost 3yrs), occasional date nights, etc. It's been going on this way for the past 8 or 9 months. Everything was going great except that I have started to have doubts about how he feels about me. I've been feeling insecure and it is causing me to be in a bad mood, which is not good for our relationship. What i'm wanting is some sort of affirmation. He's not the romantic, lovey dovey type, so it's very rare for him to say how he feels. I feel as though I am constantly reminding myself, but it after a while it doesnt help much. I don't need to hear it from him all the time, and I'm actually happy that he's not the romantic and mushy type of guy. But every once in a while would be nice to hear some kind of expression of how he feels about me. He seems very unwilling to do this. About 5 months ago, this same sort of situation came up. I was feeling insecure and wanted to hear from him that he cared about me. At first he refused to say it, so i said i couldnt be in a relationship with him if he couldnt even tell me. He called me later and apologized, and told me that he did care. Since then things have been okay, up until now. I brought up this issue with him a few days ago. The topic of love came up, and he said that he doesn't know if he loves me. I expected this answer from him, knowing the way he is. But I was wondering, what other people's opinions are about this. After dating someone for a year, is it still too soon to know if you love someone or not? I know it varies from person to person, but just in general? Am I asking too much from him? Is this an insecurity issue that I need to deal with myself?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Is it possible that you two are just speaking different love languages? I keep bringing up the book, but I just think it is SO applicable to some of the relationship problems that come up. The 5 love languages: 1) Words of love 2) Gifts 3) Physical affection (hugs, cuddling, kisses...not just sex) 4) Acts of service 5) Quality time Generally we each have one that is our primary. How we usually show somebody we love them, and usually how we feel it most when shown to us. I'm into cuddling, kisses, hugs. When I don't get those in a relationship, I feel really alone. My BF generally shows love with acts of service. Does your BF maybe make up for the lack of words by doing something else and you're just missing it because it's not what you're conditioned to look for?
Chocolat Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Has your bf ever been married? Does he have kids? My guess is that he does care about you but the reason he does not know if he loves you is possibly because he is leery of taking you on in a more committed way.
Author rm68 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 I have heard of the different love languages and it did cross my mind but I didn't think about it much. If I had to choose, I would say his primary would be quality time. In one of our conversations he said that if he didn't care about me he wouldn't bother to spend time with me. I think this is something I take for granted. Thanks SoulSearch for bringing this up, I will definitely keep this in mind more. In response to Chocolat: No, he's never been married and has no children. I on the other hand, am divorced and I have one daughter. I realize that this may make it a little more complicated for him. We actually haven't discussed our relationship very much. We talk a lot, but just the type of conversation you could have with any friend. It seems to me like he doesn't want to open up or become closer to me in that way. For a long time he would refer to me to other people as "friend", not "girlfriend." Only within the past month he's started acknowledging me as his girlfriend. I've been having such a hard time with this recently. I feel as though he's not really there for me because of the distance I feel there is between us emotionally. I feel very alone. I'm thinking I should be patient and give it more time, but sometimes I don't know how much longer I can last feeling the way I do.
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