DNU1 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Ug. Going through divorce. Many DDays and many OMs...too many to talk about here...check out my thread on infidelity forums if you really want to see a horrible situation. Anyway, I will be back in the dating game soon. 41 years old and my STBx was my first and only partner (too bad I wasn't her only partner these past many years). So advice on dating, relationships, etc. Friends recommend e-harmony type sites...but my attorney says not so fast my friend. Need to wait on that. He does say I can "date" but make sure don't bring any women around near kiddos and keep from STBxWW. Advice. Suggestions. Where to meet good, solid, honest women who believe in openness and honesty. Ive been a stay-at-home dad after 15 years as college administrator. Gave up the career to take care of my ladies (STBx and two DDs). I can do it all...cook, clean, dishes, laundry...in addition to normal manly stuff...hunt, fish, working on cars, computers. etc. Even my STBxWWs BFFs call me the greatest husband / dad they have ever seen. They tell me I won't be on the market for long when I do decide to date... So where the hell can I find women to even begin dating again?
redant Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 What's the rush? Why don't you wait until it's all over? What if some girl starts liking you and you have all this drama? I just don't see y u would need to start dating. Dating is just meeting people making friends. There are so many ways to meet people. Take your time. That's my opinion.
neowulf Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I wouldn't be rushing back into anything too quickly. It's very easy to underestimate the damage that this kind of breakup can causes in a person. The last thing you want to do is drag the issues of your marriage along into your next relationship. It wouldn't be fair on you or the new lady. I'm with Redant on this one. Give yourself a year at least to reset, find your feet and reflect a little. Given that you're so self-sufficient, taking care of yourself for a while shouldn't prove difficult.
fishtaco Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'd say wait and get the divorce done and over with first. Divorce is a messy business, I'm sure you know by first hand experience. Generally, dating adds more complexity to your life. You should wait until your life can handle the added complexity. If you're 41, and you've never dated before, it's going to be rough. Not as rough as the bad marriage and divorce. But the dating scene is not a friendly place. You'll get beaten up pretty good until you learn the game. But that only makes it more important for you to get your life back to normal first. Learning to survive in the dating scene is going to take a lot out of you. Make sure you can afford to spend that amount of time and resources first. And personal opinion, stay away from dating sites. You have to establish your real life dating skills first, then use online dating as a secondary source of generating opportunities. Online dating is not a replacement for real life dating, and it is certainly not a shortcut.
Author DNU1 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks for the replies. Yep, divorce is messy, but we are moving along in a civil manner, having already agreed on custody and parenting plan without having to stand in front of judge. STBx still living here, but moving out in two weeks. The whole dating thing is both exciting and utterly scary at the same time. Ug. I'm a rules kind of guy, and feel that even though she cheated that's no reason for me to do the same...technically we are still married until the i's are dotted, t's crossed. I think part of me just wants to meet some people and see what's out there. Give me hope that I will eventually find someone. It's hard to love someone for 18+ years and just have to turn that off. And a year seems like a REALLY long time. Ick. But you are right. I need to take time for myself and my kids. For so long the STBx has been the center of my life. I need to make me and kids center of my life.
Sam Spade Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yea, good advice here. Don't rush it. Being stay at home dad with two daughters has exposed you to way too much estrogen . I think you need to break bad a little. Reconnect with old buddies, or with your no-good uncle. Go to the roadhouse, buy stranger a beer and listen to their crayzee stories. Get a dog. Polish your shoes. Buy a suit. Start wrestling/hiking/fishing. Don't shower for a week. Cook a big steak for you and one small one (for your dog). Buy 3 pizzas and watch the "Die Hard" trilogy with no pants on (let the dog on the couch and feed him some pizza). Depending on your view on these things, I'd also recommend a hooker or two. Take your mom to a nice dinner (without the hookers). Buy your dad a nice recliner and a bottle of scotch. Drink scotch with dad. Etc. After some decompressing/decomposing reestablishing yourself in your career also needs to be a priority, however. There, make this the greatest year of your life .
samspade Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Advice. Suggestions. Where to meet good, solid, honest women who believe in openness and honesty. Try a convent!
clv0116 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 What you need is 3200 condoms, 2 liters of lube and 6 weeks in a Cambodian brothel.
Curious-One Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 First of all ... Stay at home dad..... WTF is that. Sry man but thats the first time i hear about that. How do you pay all the bills??? I hope to god that you are getting some income or you are insanely rich... No women will find a stay at home dad attractive... I didnt think such a thing was possible. Stay at home Mom ... yes.... but Guys ,since beginning of time, have always been the ones that go out hunt for food or bring in income to support the family. REAL MEN DONT STAY AT HOME CLEAN THE HOUSE AND COOK FOR THE KIDS WHILE WIFE GOES OUT AND WORKS. Guys place is not in the kitchen to cook. I am sorry if i came on too harsh but i am disgusted by the thought of stay at home dad. So if you are not insanely rich my advice would first be , stop cleaning the house , cooking for the kids and go out and get a freaking job. If you are a rich and dont need any income i would advise you to wait. Join hobbies start hanging out with guys a bit. Like someone said you should man up. Stop cooking/cleaning the house and go out and hunt or play some sports with the guys. Go to a bar and drink a bit. I wouldnt try dating until divorce is over.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 First of all ... Stay at home dad..... WTF is that. Sry man but thats the first time i hear about that. How do you pay all the bills??? I hope to god that you are getting some income or you are insanely rich... No women will find a stay at home dad attractive... I didnt think such a thing was possible. Stay at home Mom ... yes.... but Guys ,since beginning of time, have always been the ones that go out hunt for food or bring in income to support the family. REAL MEN DONT STAY AT HOME CLEAN THE HOUSE AND COOK FOR THE KIDS WHILE WIFE GOES OUT AND WORKS. Guys place is not in the kitchen to cook. No wonder your wife cheated on you ...she needed a real man...not a STAY AT HOME DAD I am sorry if i came on too harsh but i am disgusted by the thought of stay at home dad. So if you are not insanely rich my advice would first be , stop cleaning the house , cooking for the kids and go out and get a freaking job. If you are a rich and dont need any income i would advise you to wait. Join hobbies start hanging out with guys a bit. Like someone said you should man up. Stop cooking/cleaning the house and go out and hunt or play some sports with the guys. Go to a bar and drink a bit. I wouldnt try dating until divorce is over. Well, that was incredibly judgmental and yes, VERY harsh. There is nothing wrong with fluid roles between men and women. It's this kind of attitude that tries to keep women imprisoned in either the bedroom or kitchen - barefoot and pregnant. Get a grip. As to the OP - don't worry about it right now. Get a feeling for who you are as a person outside of how you are defined in your marriage (meaning who you THOUGHT you were before your world was crushed). I was cheated on in my x-marriage. And I needed some time after the divorce to really get a feel for who I am and what I wanted out of life before I felt healthy enough to attract a partner. I also don't feel it's very fair to drag a new woman into this - one that's going to have to deal with all the drama and will probably be worried that she's a rebound for you.
OpenBook Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 How about going to church? The big ones usually have active singles groups, and tend to have a lot more women than men. You'd be like a fox in a chicken coop... and surrounded by decent people (or at least, those who are trying:laugh:) and whom others in the congregation know personally (instant background checks).
CarrieT Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Well, that was incredibly judgmental and yes, VERY harsh. There is nothing wrong with fluid roles between men and women. It's this kind of attitude that tries to keep women imprisoned in either the bedroom or kitchen - barefoot and pregnant. Get a grip. Totally concur. I know several stay-at-home Dads. Often they pay the bills by being self-employed. What's wrong with that?
neowulf Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Totally concur. I know several stay-at-home Dads. Often they pay the bills by being self-employed. What's wrong with that? +1 I wasn't aware we were still living in the 1950's? Women and men were equalised remember? I admit, I probably wouldn't want to stay at home (I'd get bored witless!) but if the situation arose, I'd certainly deal with it for a few years. I grew up with my both my parents working and sharing the load of raising me.
clv0116 Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I wasn't aware we were still living in the 1950's? No, you're surely right, I'm sure human biology has completely caught up with the societal changes technology has enabled in the last 2 generations of human development.
fishtaco Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 How about going to church? The big ones usually have active singles groups, and tend to have a lot more women than men. You'd be like a fox in a chicken coop... and surrounded by decent people (or at least, those who are trying:laugh:) and whom others in the congregation know personally (instant background checks). I guess once the OP gets his life together, church would be a good place to meet women. However, even as an agnostic I find it sort of disrespectful to use your god's house as a place for hooking up. But that's just me. Church hook-ups happen all the time.
OpenBook Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I guess once the OP gets his life together, church would be a good place to meet women. However, even as an agnostic I find it sort of disrespectful to use your god's house as a place for hooking up. But that's just me. Church hook-ups happen all the time. I don't see why. I'm assuming the OP is looking for nice women to DATE for the eventual purpose of finding a suitable mate - not some random female to "hook up with". What better place to mingle with others than while attending church? They SPONSOR single's activities. The Jewish even have those speed-dating sessions.
Scorpio13c Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 Hey Dnu1, I've followed your thread on the infidelity forumn, I'm sorry you had to go through all that. I'm quite sure you're having a knee jerk reaction to all of it & trust me, that's a normal feelling. I've known two types of people in my life, some who can quickly get over what you have gone through & can date right away & some, like most of us, who really need to go through the pain & grieving process before we can really take on the dating world again. Just be very careful man, your feelings will be everywhere. I know though, once you are ready to date, you'll have no problem getting back in the game, just don't expect the first, second or third woman that you meet will be the love of your life & you'll do fine! Scorp
LavendarGirl Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 It's too early for you for a number of reasons. First of all....If your STBx and you are still under the same roof, technically you're still Married and not even under the category of Separated. Most of the dating sites require Separation as a minimum (no married participants, no matter how miserable or final your marriage may be). And anyone you communicate with as a potential dating partner should be given the truth upfront. Secondly...I've been off and on the dating sites for about 4 months now. I've had several first meetings, nothing that lasted beyond 2 dates. Many many fizzled out before ever meeting for whatever reason. Most of my single female friends report similar experiences. Bottom line is that it's pretty tough out there, until you feel healed from your divorce and you think your ego can handle a few new bruises, don't attempt!
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