bellamay Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have been dating a man, 10 years younger than me for 3 years. We get along great, never fight or even bicker. He is there for me emotionally 100%. I have children, he does not. My kids tolorate him, and he tolorates my kids. (I will admit I dont have the best behaved kids). He gets very frustrated with them, alot, because they dont listen, are messy and are well, kids. His family is perfect. All the kids made honor roll, are involved in volunteer work and I think are not the normal family. Not everyone has perfect kids. My issue is he seperates his "family and friends life" seperate than my life with him. His parents know who I am and how long we have been dating. I am sure they want better for their son than an older divorced woman with kids, I cant say that I blame them. I see their point. However, I am never invited to his family functions or to his friends houses (I met his good friends once). I have invited his friends over for dinner and drinks, he says they are always "busy". I give up. I have told him that it does hurt my feelings that his family doesnt even acknowledge me. He says that he just doesnt think about it. I mentioned going out to dinner, just me him and his parents but he has yet to set it up. Its been over 21 year since I mentioned it (more than once) He just bought a house, and it seems that when his parents leave, he then calls and invites me over. I had a family tragedy recently and he dropped everything to fly out to where I had to go. He didnt even ask, he just came. His parents knew he came. I know he loves me and cares about me. His mother is a holly roller, very active with her church. What upsets me, is when my family member passed, his family (especially his mother) never acknowledged it. It would have ment so much just to get a sympathy card, but she didnt even do that. I feel like crap because I feel like I am his dirty little secret (allthough people know about us). When he runs into people, he never introduces me. Once in a store he turned right around to avoid seeing someone he knew. I questioned if it was because he was ashamed to be seen with me but he said no, he just didnt want to talk to that person. I am thinking about breaking it off, but he has done so much for me, I feel guilty. He really does care about me, and I for him. He has even mentioned marriage and possibly a child.....but not right now (im ok with that). I despratly wanted his mothers approval, I really respected her. Now, I really dont give a crap because I feel she could have acknowledged my pain, my sorrow. Am I being stupid? I guess I am just looking for someone to justify my feelings. Please dont be too harsh on me, I just lost my Dad and I am very emotional.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I am the last person to wax religious or quote bible verses...but I'd say in this case, the advice given to leave one's parents and cleave unto one's wife/husband is good advice. YOU are the one that he can see spending the rest of his life with. I don't understand why his family/friends need to be dealbreakers for you. My XH was 15 years older than me and I actually ended up going NC with my family for a year because I was sick of being told how to live my life (they didn't think I should be with him). Just focus on your relationship with HIM. Don't worry about his mom. If she's super-religious, then she's not likely to change her opinion on how she feels about her son being with an older divorcée. By leaving him, you'd only reinforce the belief that you aren't worth her son's time. You say you're happy in the relationship itself...I guess I don't understand why that's not enough. Yes - ideally, you'd be welcomed into the new family. But with the family dynamics in this day and age being so scrambled, in some cases that's a fairy-tale ideal that will never be attained. I guess you have to decide what's more important - a man that makes you happy and treats you well, or a family that welcomes you with open arms. I'd personally go for the good relationship because I spend more time with my BF, anyway, than I do his family. I realize you two have been together for 3 years, but you're not even living together or engaged. Maybe it's hard from an outsider's perspective to take you two seriously? Who knows. It's hard to know what other people are thinking.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Seriously? Why did you need two threads? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t191331/
Author bellamay Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Sorry, I didnt mean to post twice. I didnt think it took the first time. Thank you for your reply. I have to say great advice, but it still doesnt make me feel good about myself when I am secluded from his "other" life. It takes a toll on my confidence. Its eay to say dont worry about it, but when your in that situation you have to wonder why am I not included?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Sorry, I didnt mean to post twice. I didnt think it took the first time. Thank you for your reply. I have to say great advice, but it still doesnt make me feel good about myself when I am secluded from his "other" life. It takes a toll on my confidence. Its eay to say dont worry about it, but when your in that situation you have to wonder why am I not included? Well, like I said - decide if you want the man or his family. Because in this case, you are not going to get both. If that's not what you want, then maybe somebody new that doesn't have such judgmental friends and family.
Chocolat Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have been dating a man, 10 years younger than me for 3 years. We get along great, never fight or even bicker. He is there for me emotionally 100%. I have children, he does not. My kids tolorate him, and he tolorates my kids. (I will admit I dont have the best behaved kids). He gets very frustrated with them, alot, because they dont listen, are messy and are well, kids. His family is perfect. All the kids made honor roll, are involved in volunteer work and I think are not the normal family. Not everyone has perfect kids. Perfect kids are not the norm. On the other hand, neither are messy, poorly behaved kids (which is how you've described yours). Could it be that this man does care about you but sees no future with a woman 10 years his senior who does not share his views on parenting? Believe it or not, this is a big issue for most people. If he does not see a long-term future with you, he'd have little interest in trying to blend you into his friends/family. Have you discussed your concerns with him?
Author bellamay Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Yes, we have discussed this issue many times. He knows that it hurts me that his family acts as if I dont exist. I understand love the man and not his family, but his family is part of him. I dont think its a bad thing that I want to co-exist with them. His mother is also older than his father, 7 years. I think its wrong to judge our relationship on age when in fact her marriage has lasted 25+ years with her being the "older" woman. I guess with the passing of my father, it is more important know to have that family connection. I still feel angry that she couldnt even acknowledge such a painful experience. Wether she likes me or not, I find it cruel that she couldnt even express sympathy for my tremendous loss. It would take less than 10 minutes to buy a card and drop it in the mail. She doesnt even have to talk to me. Just a thought that maybe, just maybe she cares, being christian and all. I will stop whining and get over it. I guess there are bigger problems out there than mine. Thank you all for your relpies. I feel comfort in the fact that even kind strangers like yourself have sympathized with my loss. God Bless you all
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