She put me on a roller coaster ride. Now im heartbroken =(

[drivesmecrazy3]

Well, here it goes. Theres this girl that i started talking to from my school about 8 months ago. We basically talked like ordinary friends, with occassional flirting and such. She talked to me about a whole load of things, especially about guys that she said she was "chasing" and all things of that sort, so, I never basically got the impression that she was interested in me. She is the kind of girl that likes the "bad guys" nto the shy quiet guys, the ones that were basically *******s. She always told me how she loved to obsess with/chase, so i figured she wouoldnt tell someone things that personal if she actually liked them. However, one day, I mentioned a girl and she FLIPPED, then came clean and said how shed liked me and felt as if i were leading her on.

 

I tried to straighten things out, but at this point i wasnt really that interested in her. But as time went on, I began to become really attracted to her, both emotionally and physically. We started talking much more and seeing each other much more. We also started to become physical (kissing, touching, etc - not sex). We werent in a relationship, but we agreed to see how things progressed - we did not jump into anything because of her distance (45 mins) and also me starting graduate school after the summer. But we did both state to each other that we werent talking to/or would talk to other people. We became really coupleish, and she even constantly told me how she felt so comfortable with me and was usually so withdrawn with guys, but so open with me. She constantly told me that she liked/missed me. At this point, I really cared about her a great deal, but was scared to talk about it to her because i didnt want the chase to end.

 

One night, out of the blue, she told me that shes been feeling wierd. She explained that she viewed me as a closed book, that i never complimented nor critisized her in any way. She told me that she couldnt even tell if i liked her or not because of this. At this point, i thought we were talking in a serious note, so i let myself slip. I flat out told her that the reason why I didnt compliment her like that, was because i didnt want to seem "too nice" or turn her off in that way. I then told her that i really did care about her a lot. I thought all was well, since she then invited me to go to the beach with her the next day.

 

So, I drove all the way there and went to the beach with her and her friend. I drive home, go to work, and get a text saying "we have to talk, ill call later." Few hours later, she texts me saying how i should start talking/hanging out with other girls. when i asked why, she said that she didnt feel a connection when hanging out with me anymore, that she feld wierd because she believed that i was "too good of a guy" for her. When i confronted her about that i had said about the non-complimenting and such, she explained that she just felt that i was "too nice" and would "go out of my way for her." I got upset, hung up, and she quickly texted me saying how she still liked me as a person and just didnt feel it anymore. So, ignored her for that night and the entire next day. The following afternoon, she texted me again asking if i was ever going to talk to her, and i answered back and talked to her.

 

Now basically, I dont know what will happen. I really care about her a lot, and I know i made the big mistake of telling her. Do you think there is any way of turning this whole thing around again? I mean i think about her all the time and still get so excited when she texts.

 

help =(

[Mike B.]

Unfortunately, as you realize, you slipped. You were playing the game the way she wanted to be played and she tested you by calling you a "closed book" and you failed the test by "coming clean."

 

My friend, attraction is a delicate bubble and one false move can burst it if it is not a flaming attraction from the get-go. You burst your bubble and placed yourself in the almost inescapable "friendzone." We have all been there no matter if you are an underwear model or whatever.

 

She told you straight up what type of guy attracts her. This does not necessarily mean "the bad boy" or the "**hole" everytime. It is simply someone who challenges her and no one challenges a woman better than the bad boy but a good runner up is someone who is not a pushover or is too soft. Of course, there are always exceptions and someone will always chime in with exceptions but there is always "the rule" and a man learns the rules through experience.

 

Make this a learning experience. For one, when a woman says or elude to the fact that she likes bad boys, you must accept this as what she likes and not be thrown off throughout the time you are seeing her. NEVER get thrown off. No matter what she says. Never. Don't let age throw you off either. A woman that love badboys in her 20s and 30s will at least still appreciate a good challenge in her 40s.

 

Next, if you would like to attract that woman, you don't have to be a badboy but you do have to be a challenge to her. To be a challenge, you do not have to be an ***hole but you have to not be "too nice." For example, when she told you that you were a closed book, you could have simply avoided giving a response (i.e, not getting soft and talking about feelings) and convincing her to meet up with her and the next time you saw her showed your interest by kissing her.

 

By the way, if you are around a woman that you are interested in, you can't go too long without making some sort of move such as physical contact. To not do so would be "too nice." The bad boys make the move!

 

Your interest must be shown with some sort of physical contact whether it's a prolonged hug or whatever, it must be done. Sometime after the first move, you have to advance in the moves you make.The moment you realized that you liked her after being her, your next plan should have been to make a move. If she had rejected you, then her attraction was not strong enough and you can just brush off the rejection as if it was nothing. But never apologize for attempting to kiss a woman that you are attracted to if you guys are already hanging out and know each other. T do so would be so "nice." There is nothing wrong with this as long as you don't continue to be pushy after she has shown you that she is not interested.

 

At this point, I would not pursue this. It will only be a rigorous event in frustration. You have to trust me on this one. If you still have a desire for her to desire you, just stop hanging out with her and calling her up (walking further into the friendzone). Let her wonder what you are doing and maybe you could still attract her in the long run. You can never slip again unless she falls in love with you but even then you have to remember what attracted her to you in the first place if you want to keep her interest. At this point, winning her attraction is unlikely. Once a woman tells you that you are "too nice," just stick a fork in it because it is done.

 

There is no need to try to find reason in this concept or to get angry at women who love badboys. You just have to accept it for what it is. Becoming frustrated over what attracts women like this will not change things.

[Ronni_W]

The problem is that there is the same crappy outcome when "good guys" are attracted to "bad girls". Women like this make me cranky cos they give the rest of us a bad rep, too.

Yes, she did put you on a roller coaster...and through the ringer -- I'd not be surprised if you are feeling dazed, confused and more than a tad queasy.

 

You mention grad school...I assume she is of similar age. But her behaviour is definitely kindergarten. As you've described things, there is not too much evidence of emotional intelligence or self-awareness on her part.

 

It's more accurate, of course, that you willingly got on that roller coaster so that you could spend time with her. But, IMO you deserve to be treated much better than she seems able or willing to do. When YOU know that you are worth more, then you will get off the roller coaster and go strict N/C.

 

Her actions are NOT a reflection of who you are; they are a reflection of her current level of growth and development. If you can at all help it, do not let this person negatively affect your self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

It sucks to be treated that way, and it hurts. I'm sorry that you're going through it.

Sending hugs and healing.

[Exit]

Move on right now. There is no hope with a girl like that. Let her go be with one of these "bad" guys who can treat her like garbage. She said you're too good for her and she was absolutely right. People only say things like that when they have some serious self esteem issues.

[Mike B.]

Move on right now. There is no hope with a girl like that. Let her go be with one of these "bad" guys who can treat her like garbage. She said you're too good for her and she was absolutely right. People only say things like that when they have some serious self esteem issues.

 

I agree. Someone who really has great self-esteem does not think any one is "too good" for them. It's all about what you want though. If you just want physical contact with someone and someone to take out on saturday nights while dating others, then I don't see any harm with trying to attract this woman. On the other hand, if you are looking for a meaningful relationship, you won't find it in that woman for sure. When a woman says she thinks "you are too good for her" she means it. she is not attracted to you and would sleep with 1000 biker outlaws tattooed from head to toe before she will get with you. Again, the friend zone is quick sand. It happens.