JLR621 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Hello, im new here and I need some advice. My husband and I have always had this agreement we wont check out other people because were both happy, we have no need. Well he used to accuse me of doing it alot, with no proof, just the idea. After MANY talks it DURASTICALLY went down. Things were going great, every once in awhile he would say something, but nothing major. They used to be bad fights, yelling, name calling, etc... about 3 months before we got married I found a playboy magazine in his drawer and a small piece of paper with about 5 websites written down-things like bigtits.com etc while we were cleaning out his room to move him into our house. He said the magazine was just so he could read the articles to get some ideas for us, the paper he claimed he didnt remember and didn't know how it got there. He said it could have been there for years, before we even got together. I remember when the thing it was hidden in came into his room because it was sort of strange, but I didnt think nothin of it. And the websites were written in his handwriting. I accepted his excuses and let it go. this was around march of 08. Recently his accusing me of checking out guys has been increasing, again for no reason. Yesterday I was cleaning out his truck for him and found a Fredericks lingere magazine under his seat cover and this morning on his lap top but my log in name-which he was using last night- i saw he was on youtube searching things like "hot country girls" I haven't confronted him yet, I'm not exactly sure how. And he is a good talker, he will come up with something pretty quick. Another thing is he refuses to tell me his log on password. REFUSES. Claims he might want to plan a surprise for me and I would find out. I've never gotten any surprises. I'm pretty sure of the answer here, but I want other's opinions. Is he lying? How do I confront him? I'm not jealous, I know were beautiful, LOL, I'm pissed he lied to me, and gets so mad thinking I do it, but he can do whatever he wants....I dont think so, what's good for him is good for me is my thought. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks in advance, sorry it's so long.
norajane Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He's masturbating to porn. It has nothing to do with whether he thinks you're hot or not. Guys masturbate to porn because they just have to SEE the big tits or the money shot in order to come while they masturbate, like their imagination isn't good enough or maybe it's just easier/faster/better to have the visual there whenever they want it.
Jennifer26 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yes, I would say he is lying, which is wrong. If he looks at porn, fine. He should be able to admit it to you, and stop being so insecure himself about you checking out other men.
Author JLR621 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks for the answers, how do I confront him about it without it turning into a huge fight? That's the last thing I want to do, but we do need to have a talk.
norajane Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 What is it that you want to say to him in this "talk"? And why does it need to be a confrontation? I see two separate issues here: 1) he gets jealous when you check out other men in real life because he's insecure, but that seems to have calmed down, 2) and you're pissed that he's lying to you about his porn use. If you want to approach #2 without starting an argument, then tell him you found the Frederik's, let him know that you aren't upset that he masturbates because all men do and it's natural, and you know a lot of men use porn in order to masturbate. Let him know that what upsets you is him lying about it, but not that you object to him masturbating. As for the first issue, it seems to be resolved, so I don't know if you need a confrontation now, again. BTW, he will not see that those issues are in any way related. He would feel threatened by a real man that you're checking out, but he would not think that you should feel threatened by some pictures or videos of women he'll never meet and whom he forgets about as soon as he's busted his nut.
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He likes porn. Regular porn at that. If that is something you are not comfortable with his doing...he probably feels guilty whenever he does it and has to hide it and has to lie about it.... The guilt, the frustration from it may be manifesting itself into his accusing YOU of looking at people too. Do you have an issue with his looking at porn? If you do, fair enough - then you are going to have to address that and the lies about it. But if you dont have an issue with porn, or not so big of an issue you need to pick this battle...it may help your marriage a great deal to just tell him: So, look at porn. Have at it. Just promise me you will stop feeling guilty about it and making us crazy.
Author JLR621 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks for all the advice. I'm not so much worried about it or offended as I am mad about the lying and hypocricsy. That's the problem. I dont care if he checks out women, hell were beautiful. I think his main problem is a past love cheated on him with a co-worker, hes afraid of that happening again. He has told me that much. So maybe I'm just rationalizing this for him but I'm thinking he is mad about me checking out other men because history might repeat itself, but he knows he would never do that to me so in his mind it's not a big deal for him to look. Again im probably rationalizing for him, and I shouldnt, I just want to think of all angles and understand before I talk to him. By the way the catalog was the holiday 08 one, maybe he was christmas shopping for me and just forgot about it being there? I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Ya know? I do know I need to stay calm and understanding, not have an attitude because we wont get anything accomplished. I would really like a man's point of view on this also. To help me try to understand what he is thinking and some ideas as to how to go about bringing it up and getting this problem solved.
z1850 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 This calls for military discipline. You need to sit down and have a talk with him--like a junior high school assistant principal--and make it clear you won't put up with any deceit on his part. Period. Be really, really tough with him and keep asking questions until you're satisfied with the answers.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He has told me that much. So maybe I'm just rationalizing this for him but I'm thinking he is mad about me checking out other men because history might repeat itself, but he knows he would never do that to me so in his mind it's not a big deal for him to look. Even if that's the case, he would have a lack of trust for you. Do you really want to make justifications for a partner that doesn't trust you? And I am a little confused because in your first post you say that you and your husband agreeded not to check out other people because you are happy with each other, then later on you say you don't mind if he looks at other women. I think you might need to outline what is important to you first then discuss it with your guy. The lying is wrong and would bother me greatly, don't get me wrong there. But what bothers me more then the intial lying is the excuses and out right manipulations he is using in the face of evidence to the contrary. If you want to make excuses for it, you can. But don't be suprised when he keeps doing it on porn and other things.
Littlemadam Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hi there, I had EXACTLY the same problem. Once when we first moved in together and recently. My fiance was looking at porn at work. I found out and it turned into a huge row. I am open and liberal, and he knows that. His response (and may be the same for your man) is that he is ashamed and embarrassed. His parents brought him up strictly, and therefore he cant talk openly about things like this. I too can't handle lying and that is the issue. Trust and truth is so important to me. I have said that is it, any more lies and that is it. I can't trust him fully at the moment, his mum even agreed she knows he tells white lies. It's just how far you want to take it. I refuse outright to accept lying and he now knows this. It is a difficult one, and maybe down the line we will both find a proper answer. He needs to know that lying is not acceptable - REGARDLESS. Hope I have helped in some way, I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. Men are so weak sometimes, when there is no need for it. Good luck xxx
Author JLR621 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Thanks for the answers, and yes we made that agreement, but it was because he brought it up and suggested it. I agreeded because I am happy and I was ok with doing that for him. I don't need to look elsewhere and I honestly never did since then, I havent needed too. I'm not hurt or offended that he is, it just isnt fair to keep me from it if he can do it. Does that make sense? And im not saying I want to run out and look at every man I can, I just want him to stop jumping all over me and getting pissed every time he thinks I have looked at a guy somewhere when he is looking at all these other girls. That is my main problem along with him lying to me about him doing and acting like he is so perfect and never looks or thinks about another woman. I have always thought him being so mad at me is his guilty concience because he is doing it. I mentioned that once after he accused me, and he got sarcastic "right, what are you a psychologist?" was roughly what was said. And Jersey Shortie, what you said about him having a lack of trust in me, he claims he does trust me, but I know he wonders sometimes. I have tried so hard to show him he can but I dont know how to anymore. His ex has really messed him up, and I'm paying for it. Which isn't fair but I understand. I would REALLY love to give that girl a piece of my mind.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Well, he is a grown adult. While what she did was far from right, he is incharge of who he becomes. It's not fair to you the way he is acting. But it sounds like you are okay with accepting the treatment? I don't know.
Author JLR621 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Definitly not ok with it. Right now I'm waiting on the right time to talk to him. I'm tired of the lying, and I'm insulted he thinks I would never realize it, like I'm that stupid.
Littlemadam Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Definitly not ok with it. Right now I'm waiting on the right time to talk to him. I'm tired of the lying, and I'm insulted he thinks I would never realize it, like I'm that stupid. Good luck with it, as said I am going through/have been through it too. xxx
norajane Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Definitly not ok with it. Right now I'm waiting on the right time to talk to him. I'm tired of the lying, and I'm insulted he thinks I would never realize it, like I'm that stupid. He's HOPING that you never realize he's using porn to masturbate, not necessarily thinking you'd never realize it. There's a difference. Guys don't often want their gf's/wives to know about their masturbation habits...it can be embarrassing, especially when newly living together. And there are women who don't like that their men masturbate, so it can also cause a huge conflict. So they hide it, and hope the subject never comes up. Or they lie, even though they know that they're not going to stop masturbating because they hope that you'll just drop it. Make sure you're very clear with him on what specifically your issue is so he doesn't think you're telling him to stop masturbating. Because he won't. Ever. What would be a good outcome for you of this discussion? That he stop using pictures/videos to masturbate? That he stop lying to you about masturbating at all? That he stop masturbating while looking at pictures/videos? Or that he stop making an issue of you checking out guys even though he looks at pictures/videos while masturbating? Be clear with him on which of those issues it is. Because the subject can be uncomfortable and can veer off in a lot of different directions if you don't spell out what is troubling you and how you would like to resolve it. Also, be prepared to LISTEN when he's talking and take in what he's telling you. This is a very personal topic and it may be hard for him to articulate his thoughts - try not to be insulted or approach him already insulted. You do want this relationship to work out, right? Then try to give him the benefit of the doubt to whatever degree you can.
Author JLR621 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Littlemadam--I'm sorry you have been thru this, it does suck. Norajane--thanks for the answer, you don't know my husband. He thinks I'll never know. He is quite cunning, and is a good talker. And he will deny everything when we do talk and have some kind of quick excuse. We always joke he should be a lawyer. That's whay I'm trying to be so prepared when I talk to him about this, he isn't just your typical guy. And were still newly married so I haven't quite gotten the trick down yet. And yes, I want my marriage to work out, I love my husband with every cell in my body. I always give him the benefit of the doubt, which is why I let the hidden playboy and websites I found go before. But I also can't just live my life blind to what he does. The outcome I want is for him to stop being mad at me when he thinks I'm checking someone out, because that is obviously hypocritical. And if he needs dirty pictures to look at I am more than willing to give him a few if he wants to play photographer. Checking someone out is one thing, when another girl is helping fulfill his needs and not me, to me that is a problem. Is that over reacting or unrealistic in today's world?
justxme Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Definitly not ok with it. Right now I'm waiting on the right time to talk to him. I'm tired of the lying, and I'm insulted he thinks I would never realize it, like I'm that stupid. I find two things uncool with all of this, one is he is accusing you for no reason, and two he refuses you access to his computer activity. I don't think his last girlfriend is the problem, I think he is thinking out side the marriage and feeling guilty enough about what he is doing/thinking that he is dumping his guilt on you. I've seen it too many times in my own relationship as well as my friends relationships, and why no else see this transference of guilt I don't know unless the people answering you are young. The fact that he lied to you, is enough to throw up the red flags, and he will most likely lie again. I think it is very big of you to be so open to him considering that he isn't open towards you. I think that it would get me angry enough, to change my password and let him sweat it out for a while, wondering what I am doing, but than again, I'm older, and my relationship isn't going anywhere, so I can take those kind of chances. I've learned when I get yelled at when I didn't do anything wrong, than it's time to look at the person yelling the loudest and see what they are up to, fibbers always tell on them selves if you know where and when to pay attention.
norajane Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 The outcome I want is for him to stop being mad at me when he thinks I'm checking someone out, because that is obviously hypocritical. And if he needs dirty pictures to look at I am more than willing to give him a few if he wants to play photographer. Checking someone out is one thing, when another girl is helping fulfill his needs and not me, to me that is a problem. Is that over reacting or unrealistic in today's world? If you search LS for "husband" or "boyfriend" and "porn", you will find dozens and dozens of threads debating this topic, some of them very long and going on for pages and pages. I really do suggest that you do that, because it will help you be prepared for this conversation. It's a tricky subject, even though it seems very cut and dried to you. 1. As I said earlier, he is not going to see these two things as connected. He will think that checking out people on the street is different from looking at pictures to masturbate. 2. You see it as another girl helping fulfill his needs; he sees it as looking at dirty pictures to get his rocks off. His focus isn't so much on the girl - her naked or near-naked image is just a tool, like you might use a vibrator. He doesn't put pictures in the same category as you or as a real-life person. 3. He's been doing this his whole life, probably. You're asking him to change an ingrained habit...this is how he learned to masturbate and he probably can't imagine doing it without pictures and videos. 4. The more adamant you are about him stopping, the more he's going to hide it. Which will anger you more, because you'll keep catching him since you're looking out for it. You are entitled to your feelings - he can't tell you that you're wrong to feel the way you do. At the same time, it's not likely he will agree with you, so you will be at an impasse. I'm sure he'll appreciate you offering to make pics with him so he can use those, but...as you'll read in the threads if you look them up, he will still likely want to use pics for variety. Just as you might change up your fantasies that you use to masturbate. I think if you expect him to stop completely, you are probably being unrealistic and in for a huge fight.
Author JLR621 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 Thank you norajane and justxme for your thoughts. I thought about changing the password on my laptop like you suggested I just havent. But I dont think he ever gets on mine honestly. I guess it wouldnt hurt to try. I have even thought about trying some program used to crack passwords on computers, ophcrack or something like that, to just get on and look around. But then I think what am I coming too, my mind is wondering what he is doing so much it's driving me to that and I hate it. I can't concentrate, it's always on my mind about how he lied to me, and wondering what else he is hiding. It's beggining to effect everything I do. So I need to talk to him soon before it begins effecting my life. Unfortunatly I know how this is going to go. I will tell him everything I have found and he will give me some pathetic excuse that I will know is another lie. He will then get angry, and say if you don't believe me or trust me fine, then leave. That seems to be a popular solution for him to make me stop what im thinking or feeling. Believe him or leave, and he knows I wont leave so I drop it. He is using our marriage to control me. And I'm the idiot that is letting it happen. Of course he claims he doesnt want to get divorced, but he wont have a wife that thinks that dumb shi* is his reasoning for it. Nothing but a control battle and a mind game. And I'm getting tired of playing it. What's sad is I'm getting to the point of not even caring anymore. If he doesn't why should I? I love him with everything in me, but I cant make this work on my own. If he is willing to let it go that easy and not try to fix it why should I even bother trying to fix it? And now I have realized I have alot more deeper issues than I've realized before. That or I am so caught up in him lying to me I'm just creating more issues because I have lost faith in him, and I feel hopeless. I feel I should also add that he provides a large majority of everything for us, as I am still in school and not makeing much money. Is it possible he gets mad because he feels that he works his a** off for us and this is how I thank him by questioning him and having doubts? Can he be seeing me as being ungreatful?
Jersey Shortie Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It's possible that he could feel under appreicated. I think that's a common complaint for men. That doesn't mean it's fair to emotionally blackmail you. You two need counceling. And if he is unwilling to do it, then tell him you want to go by yourself.
NoIDidn't Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 His lying is about so much more than porn. The "believe me or leave" line is the telling part. I already knew you were going to post that before you did. His ex's cheating on him is not what did this to him. This is him. He is selfish and will continue to lie to you until you show him that you will not put up with it. You probably have no idea of what you are really about to come up against in confronting him about the lies. This is about control for him. How often has he just stopped talking about things when the conversation seemed like it was getting too hot? If he does this often, big RED flag. I'm not saying the problem isn't fixable. It is. But its a long, and frustrating road for you. My H doesn't have a porn issue. He's never really liked it. But I've dealt with something similar and it took YEARS to get to where he understood that I wasn't trying to control him just wanting the truth and some "guidelines" agreed to. Good luck.
Island Girl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 And he is a good talker, he will come up with something pretty quick. You really think so...? This is some of his good talker stuff: He said the magazine was just so he could read the articles to get some ideas for us, the paper he claimed he didnt remember and didn't know how it got there. He said it could have been there for years, before we even got together. That is SOOOOOOO transparent. You can't honestly think that was a good cover? If you find porn in a guys room - or a guys possession in any way - you better believe they know it was there and they know when and how it got there (duh - they put it there). If I were you I'd be more concerned with why he doesn't feel he can be completely open sexually with you when he sleeps with you and lives with you.
Author JLR621 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 I have thought about suggesting counceling, not that I think he would agree to it. Or let me go alone. But I'm not sure on that one. And every once in awhile he will just stop talking. Usually he will just say "whatever" after I have made a huge point about something and drop it. I have always took that as him saying I was right because he couldn't admit he was wrong. Guess I missed that sign, or at least the deeper meaning of it. Island girl, I know his excuses were pathetic before. And obvious lies, but I had no way to prove he was lying. And the more I pushed it wanting answers he began to get mad, which I know was a sign I was hitting something there but I couldnt get him to admit to anything. That is impossible with him it seems. Like I said, he wont admit to this either, I know it. I guess I have no other option than to just brace myself for a horrible fight, and hope we still have reason to celebrate our anniversary this weekend when it's all over.
HsMomma Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 I have thought about suggesting counceling, not that I think he would agree to it. Or let me go alone. But I'm not sure on that one. And every once in awhile he will just stop talking. Usually he will just say "whatever" after I have made a huge point about something and drop it. I have always took that as him saying I was right because he couldn't admit he was wrong. Guess I missed that sign, or at least the deeper meaning of it. Island girl, I know his excuses were pathetic before. And obvious lies, but I had no way to prove he was lying. And the more I pushed it wanting answers he began to get mad, which I know was a sign I was hitting something there but I couldnt get him to admit to anything. That is impossible with him it seems. Like I said, he wont admit to this either, I know it. I guess I have no other option than to just brace myself for a horrible fight, and hope we still have reason to celebrate our anniversary this weekend when it's all over. Let you go to counseling??? He's your husband, not your parent. If you feel you need it, go. And, I'd say you need it. Maybe I'm way off base here, but it seems as if he has all the "power" in this relationship. You need to make it clear to him that this is unacceptable to you and that you deserve respect in this relationship as well. If he is a serial liar, then you have two choices that I can see: either decide you can live with it & do nothing (including asking for advice that you won't take) or stand up for yourself & your relationship & tell him in no certain terms that you will not be treated this way. It almost seems like you're scared of him...are you?
Author JLR621 Posted June 15, 2009 Author Posted June 15, 2009 I'm not afraid of him. And when I said he probably wouldn't let me go alone I didnt mean in the way he would "ground me" or physically restrain me, I would expect to hear something along the lines of if I go I'm getting divorced. But I could be very wrong on this, we have never talked about that idea so I dont know how he would see it. I'm baseing it off of how he keeps his and our business private from everyone. Which I agree with, that is our business. But there are times when I think we need to talk to friends for advice or just to vent about something. I talked to one of my girlfriends once and that was a huge argument because I told someone else we are fighting. Sadly that is why I have turned here. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I have said to much here as it is. I'm afraid I have made him look like some kind of horrible monster, which isn't the case by any means. He really is a wonderful man, who can be a complete a** sometimes. This is my problem and I will fix it myself. I thank you all for your help. I will keep everyone's advice in mind, thank you again.
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