stargirl1984 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Ok, me and my friends have been having a disagreement- I was seeing a guy for about 3 months (we weren't exclusive, but I'd kinda been making it obvious that I wanted to get more serious), and during that time he'd go days without contacting me, and when asked why, he'd apologize and say he was busy. About twice, he'd make dates with me, and then cancel the night of, saying he'd gotten off work late, and was really tired after his shift. (And for my part...I'll admit, I acted kinda clingy- txting everyday/every other day, and sometimes getting openly annoyed, when he wouldn't answer.) He finally broke it off with me a few weeks after saying "I have so much going on at work lately, and I feel like I might be too busy to get serious with anyone right now." (At that time, he reassured me that he was attracted to me, but when he broke it off said he didn't "want to lead me on into thinking we could be more than friends.") Now, I want to believe what he's saying is true. He'd been complaining since Feb. about being unhappy with his job lately, being so tired every night, and how they were now making him do alot of overtime too (He went from working 4 days a week, to 6) But...my friend's say it's just BS, and claim that "if a guy truly likes you, he'll MAKE time for you." Now...I think that's easy to say for them- they're in their early 20s, only work part-time, and live with their parents. This guy, however was in his 30s, worked 40+ hours in a hectic environment (Medical field), and owned his own home. (He told me he worked 10hours shifts, not usually getting home until 8pm at earliest. And I imagine he still had to find time for grocery-shopping, laundry, housecleaning, eating, etc.) So, the question I'm posing is- are they right? Will he truly make time for you, no matter what? Or is there such a thing as a person having too much on their plate at the moment, to commit to a serious relationship?
lora22 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Yes, there is such a thing as being too busy to commit to a serious relationship; however the fact that he knows he's too busy to commit means that he's not that interested in you; he knew that he wasn't going to get to that point with you. When you made it obvious that that's what you wanted, he let you know it wasn't gonna happen.
You'reasian Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Now...I think that's easy to say for them- they're in their early 20s, only work part-time, and live with their parents. This guy, however was in his 30s, worked 40+ hours in a hectic environment (Medical field), and owned his own home. (He told me he worked 10hours shifts, not usually getting home until 8pm at earliest. And I imagine he still had to find time for grocery-shopping, laundry, housecleaning, eating, etc.) So, the question I'm posing is- are they right? Will he truly make time for you, no matter what? Or is there such a thing as a person having too much on their plate at the moment, to commit to a serious relationship? It depends on the guy's personality and his circumstances. It is possible to be extremely busy and have little to no time for a relationship. Personally, I would make time for a girlfriend of mine. Even if time was so tight, that it was only for a couple of hours during the weekend. She would have to understand this.
boogieboy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Its crap. If he wasnt too busy in the beginning, then he just lost his attraction to you, and was too cowardly to tell you why. I'll bet it was the clingyness that did it. Think about the last relationship you were in where the two of you WANTED to see each other more often that a couple times a week. (especially after 3 months) You might be at the point now where if you back off, he m,ight actually come back. But you have to back WAAYY off. And you have to stop texting him every day. In fact, let him initiate texts with you next time. And if it doesnt work out with this guy, do it with the next guy.
kitkat826 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I agree that if you really like someone, you MAKE time. It sounds more like he just didn't want a relationship, and/or wasn't interested in one with you specifically. Don't feel bad; I've been in your shoes before. And I've also been the one who has told guys "Yeah, I've just been really busy lately...", when in reality I just wasn't that into them but didn't want to be mean.
Lucky555 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I have noticed with most men they like the "chase" and the challenge. which can also be you keeping your own life and if you don't have things to occupy your time with don't seek out the guy to fill that space. I think you had came on too strong to him. He decided you seemed needy and "desperate" (sorry but this is how guys see it, even though your probably not). Do not contact him. He may actually contact you in a month, but don't hold out for him. Sometimes you have to take it slow with guys (it sounds like you know what you want, but he didn't see it like that). For some guys having a relationship seems like it will take away "their" time or you may seem like you would take up a lot of their life and therefore he could have felt suffocated and said this is not a good situation. So next time: Take it slow Keep your options open for other guys. Don't contact him online, don't email, don't do anything everyday like you were. (yes, its nice to have someone to talk to and be affectionate with, but if you get the urge to text, contact your good friends as opposed to the guy.) Its give and take, he contacts you, you contact him, (early stages of the dating phase) Have fun, yes you want the guy to be yours but wait it out for a bit and actually see what his actions are and then determine if you really want to take that step forward. This guy you spoke of didn't seem to make "time" for you because he was "busy". Heck he could have been on other dates, he could have really been at his job. Trust me if he really wants to see you he will be contacting you. This is the truth. Just DON"T CONTACT HIM. MOVE ON. If he contacts you again and wants a date, tell him YOUR DAY that you will have time. KEEP COOL. ITS just dating. Most guys already have stress and pressure from daily life as we all do and by ADDING pressure this does not "turn them on" so to speak. (Pressure doesn't turn anyone on.) You may find you date several guys till you find a good one. There are plenty of people out there remember that. also don't be afraid to lose a guy, even if he is everything you want at the time, he may not even be the right one for you and you can have other great relationships. Hope this helps.
Author stargirl1984 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Its crap. If he wasnt too busy in the beginning, then he just lost his attraction to you, and was too cowardly to tell you why. I'll bet it was the clingyness that did it. Think about the last relationship you were in where the two of you WANTED to see each other more often that a couple times a week. (especially after 3 months) You might be at the point now where if you back off, he m,ight actually come back. But you have to back WAAYY off. And you have to stop texting him every day. In fact, let him initiate texts with you next time. And if it doesnt work out with this guy, do it with the next guy. Yeah...when he broke it off, it was in a txt- "I think it's better if we don't hang out. I don't want to lead you one into thinking we can be more than friends. Trying to take the high road." He followed it with "I'm sorry I confused you. Truly. You're a cool girl. You'll find a good guy one day. I promise." I...didn't take it well. 2 days afterward, I txted, asking if he really never wanted to see me again, ever? when he hadnt responded in an hour, I said something very immature and harsh (Along the lines of "I can't believe I trusted you" and "I should probably get tested." But, at the time, I'd gotten so sick of being jerked around.) He said "Lose my number. Noone talkes to me like that. By the way. I'm still at work." When I txted an apology, he said "It sucks. I know. I've been there. But you'll meet someone else and forget about me. But you can't txt me like you did before. And I'd rather not talk to you. You have some growing up to do. I said I wanted to be friends, but you couldn't accept that. Now I don't even think that's a good idea." That was almost 6 weeks ago. Every 4 days or so, I'd try to txt...say I was sorry, admit I was clingy, or alot of times just try to talk about upcoming movies, etc. No answers. I was too afraid to ever actually call. Last thing I txted was that he was right, I did need to grow up, and that a month later, I feel like a better person. Still no answer. So now I'm doing NC and trying really hard to stick to it- on day 5 today.
OverThinker Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have the same issue going on with just a switch in Roles. My GF has been very busy since we meet but she still finds time to call almost every day we started off seeing each other every couple of days but latley its only been once a week. So I have a first hand view on this and with that I say If he didn't first explain the situation and give you the chance to be ok with it then there are probably other reasons. Let the guy go and move on.
You'reasian Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have noticed with most men they like the "chase" and the challenge. I don't chase. If a woman is too busy, tries to play games or is too lazy, I move on pretty quickly. The exception: she really is too busy but we are already involved. I can understand a commitment like law school or a very, very active career but even then, the two of you want to come together.
alphamale Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 So, the question I'm posing is- are they right? yes, your friends are correct
Isolde Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Sorry, but working 40-50 hours a week, which is pretty standard hours, isn't enough of an excuse for not having time to date. There are people in medical school who have time for a relationship.
boogieboy Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He said "Lose my number. Noone talkes to me like that. By the way. I'm still at work." When I txted an apology, he said "It sucks. I know. I've been there. But you'll meet someone else and forget about me. But you can't txt me like you did before. And I'd rather not talk to you. You have some growing up to do. I said I wanted to be friends, but you couldn't accept that. Now I don't even think that's a good idea." That was almost 6 weeks ago. Every 4 days or so, I'd try to txt...say I was sorry, admit I was clingy, or alot of times just try to talk about upcoming movies, etc. No answers. I was too afraid to ever actually call. Last thing I txted was that he was right, I did need to grow up, and that a month later, I feel like a better person. Still no answer. So now I'm doing NC and trying really hard to stick to it- on day 5 today. My goodness, why would you still be bugging him after he already said he wasnt interested in you anymore?
lora22 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 My goodness, why would you still be bugging him after he already said he wasnt interested in you anymore? Yeah sorry, but you need to let this go. He wasn't that interested in you to begin with, and when you made it obvious you wanted more, he shot you down. Gotta move on.
Author stargirl1984 Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 My goodness, why would you still be bugging him after he already said he wasnt interested in you anymore? Honestly, I thought he only said that because he was very mad at the moment. Just like I only said what I did, because I was angry. I'd hoped that after we'd had time to cool down, we'd be able to discuss things as adults or friends. And to be fair, he'd been giving me mixed signals- he'd said he "liked me alot" the last time I'd seen him, we'd been txting with each other and being friendly- even the day he said "I think I might too busy to get serious with anyone", he assured me that he was attracted to me, and then made a date to hang out with me. I'd accepted that I couldn't see him as often as I'd usually like, and thought we were still on a good track- until he stood me up 2 days later. In some ways, I'm happy it happened- I realize that I was being really clingy, needy, and just generally annoying. So not much of the fun confident girl he'd initially been attracted to. Additionally, I wasn't really in the best place to start a relationship myself, as I'd just dumped a guy I'd been in an LDR with for 1 1/2 years, less than a week before my first date with this guy. (Now that I think about it, he himself had been out a relationship for 2 months at most) So I've been using the past few weeks to get my act together, figure out what I want, and just generally "grow up". Now, I feel more complete, and I've learned to be more patient, and to not put so many expectations on ppl. And...yeah, I still have hope that one day, he'll call, and we can try again.
lora22 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 And to be fair, he'd been giving me mixed signals- he'd said he "liked me alot" the last time I'd seen him, we'd been txting with each other and being friendly- even the day he said "I think I might too busy to get serious with anyone", he assured me that he was attracted to me, and then made a date to hang out with me. I'd accepted that I couldn't see him as often as I'd usually like, and thought we were still on a good track- until he stood me up 2 days later. Well I'm sure he did like you, he just didn't wanna date you seriously. When he said "I'm attracted to you" and "I'm too busy to be serious with anyone" in the same day, it sounds like you ignored the busy part and paired the "I'm attracted to you" part with the previous "I like you a lot part." What you should've done was heard "I'm too busy to date anyone seriously, but I'd love to hook up with you." I hope you enjoy being single, date lots of awesome guys, and meet someone amazing to be with.
D-Lish Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 That was almost 6 weeks ago. Every 4 days or so, I'd try to txt...say I was sorry, admit I was clingy, or alot of times just try to talk about upcoming movies, etc. No answers. I was too afraid to ever actually call. Last thing I txted was that he was right, I did need to grow up, and that a month later, I feel like a better person. Still no answer. So now I'm doing NC and trying really hard to stick to it- on day 5 today. That defeats the message doesn't it? Saying you are sorry for being too clingy while you are texting him every four days for 6 weeks without ever getting an answer from him?
GAchasen Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Ok...Look at it this way. The guy had too much on his plate, and you were not on it. Too busy means too busy for you. I went through this scenerio in March and I realize that I wanted more than what I was getting from a joker. The truth is, this guy doesn't want anything serious and knew it before he started getting involved with you. Time is precious. And time with you, apparently wasn't. So, yeah he was busy. Busy finding other women to share his time with. Don't worry...There will be a guy that won't be too busy for you. But if you are too busy worrying about a guy who was too busy for you, how will you know when you find him. Forget that guy. Don' make excuses for him. Shopping, laundry, blah blah...It takes seconds to pick the phone up and call. Next time, you will be on top of things when a guy says he is too busy....Good Luck!!
Shygirl15 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 But...my friend's say it's just BS, and claim that "if a guy truly likes you, he'll MAKE time for you." Your friends are correct. Now...I think that's easy to say for them- they're in their early 20s, only work part-time, and live with their parents. This guy, however was in his 30s, worked 40+ hours in a hectic environment (Medical field), and owned his own home. (He told me he worked 10hours shifts, not usually getting home until 8pm at earliest. And I imagine he still had to find time for grocery-shopping, laundry, housecleaning, eating, etc.) I'm in the same situation as this guy plus I raise a kid and still can make time for my BF, even on week days. There's no excuse.
Shygirl15 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 ok...look at it this way. The guy had too much on his plate, and you were not on it. Too busy means too busy for you. I went through this scenerio in march and i realize that i wanted more than what i was getting from a joker. The truth is, this guy doesn't want anything serious and knew it before he started getting involved with you. Time is precious. And time with you, apparently wasn't. So, yeah he was busy. Busy finding other women to share his time with. Don't worry...there will be a guy that won't be too busy for you. But if you are too busy worrying about a guy who was too busy for you, how will you know when you find him. Forget that guy. Don' make excuses for him. Shopping, laundry, blah blah...it takes seconds to pick the phone up and call. Next time, you will be on top of things when a guy says he is too busy....good luck!! best advice of the day.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yes...there is such a thing as being "too busy" to commit to a new relationship. Last summer I was going to school 5-6 days a week (probably averaging 48 hours a week, easily) and then working 24 hours on the weekends. SO was not interested in guys. I couldn't even work up interest in a FWB. So whether it was an excuse on his part, or the honest truth - who cares? He can't give you what you deserve. It doesn't say anything about you - it's his own problem.
Thornton Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 In my personal opinion there is no such thing as being too busy for a relationship. I am writing a PhD thesis, my bf is working a LOT of hours in a very busy job, and there's a 5 hour time difference between us while I'm away at university. But he gets up 30 mins early to talk to me in the morning, we text all day, and I do without some of my sleep to make time to talk to him at night. He calls me on his lunch break and chats while he eats, I call him while I'm in the bath, and we both stay home on Friday night so we can spend a good few hours chatting and watch a movie together online. Sorry, but this guy was just not that into you. You've been doing NC for five days, but he's been doing it for six weeks - he's not interested, and he's probably relieved you're leaving him alone now. He probably thinks you're a psycho because you continued to pester him for so long. Have some self respect and continue NC, you will get over him and meet someone else. However, I will say this: He was not interested in you from the beginning, it was not your fault for being so clingy. Texting every other day (or even every day) is not clingy, getting annoyed when people don't reply to you is not clingy (actually it's kind of rude not to reply to people), and cancelling dates at the last minute is INCREDIBLY rude. If a man really likes you, he'll WANT to hear from you every day, and he'll reply straight away. My bf and I text each other half a dozen times a day, in addition to talking every morning and evening... and we both like it that way, if I didn't text him all day he would call thinking that something must be wrong. Having said that, you continuing to pester him after he dumped you and stopped responding to you was out of order. Your behaviour before you broke up was fine, but your behaviour afterwards wasn't really acceptable. Next time consider whether a guy really likes you and makes an effort for you, don't just think about whether you like him... you deserve a guy who really likes you and wants to hear from you.
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Some people have jobs, obligations, responsibilities that keep them busier than others. Still, everyone carves out some time for a person they are really interested in. For that busy person to stay interested can be another thing altogether. Already having a demanding schedule, already overloaded with obligations both professional and personal.... When the busy person has had to cancel a couple of dates, even though they like you and you have been understanding....they eventually feel guilty. They feel they are now OBLIGATED to find some time for you. Now although they do enjoy you - you are another obligation. Its not a far fall from obligation to just another pain in the as*. Sometimes with really busy people, the best thing you can do is take their calls. Tell them you have a more flexible schedule, tell them you enjoy them, and if they find themselves with some free time you will be happy to fit them in. If they arent calling, you have become an obligation.
blaken Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yes, it happens. My brother (34 y old) is too busy for a relationship right now. He and I have plans, he has to work a lot, no time for a girlfriend who would get in the way and he says it openly. He doesn't say it in the mean kind of way, but in a realistic kind of way. Just.. no time for someone else right now. Now, back to your case, I'm gonna take my brother's example again. He had a girlfriend, she was very dramatic, always texting him at any time of the day and night, very demanding, he broke it off, it was just too much on top of what he had to deal with (work, projects, etc..). Like 2sure said it, it had become another obligation to see her. On top of his work and personal projects. I'm sure that if he found the right woman though he'd make time and include her in his busy life. He's not a jerk, he treated his girlfriend like a princess. It was just too much drama, simple. So I think sometimes it's just a bs excuse to get out of the relationship, and sometimes it is true. Although being clingy probably pushed him away as you stated it. That would push me away. At first it's cute but after a while I'd need my time alone. We are all different on what we want and like. Some people like constant contact, some people don't. My guess is that he didn't like it, it got him stressed. But I don't know him as well as you did so..
Cora Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'm kind of going through the same thing. The guy I am seeing is always so busy or claims to be at least. Working long hours everyday and even on the weekends now. It's very frustrating because I hardly ever see him anymore. I like you was very clingy. I would contact him constantly and even had the talk with him as to where he saw this going? His response was I really like you and want to get to know you better but you have to know I'm really busy with work and not going to have a lot of free time. I took this as an excuse and that he wasn't that into me so I dropped all contact. I no longer initiated contact with him. After awhile he started texting me again. Then last night he tells me he can't wait to see me again. I told him to just let me know whenever he is free. He said I know I have to work Saturday for sure but I will somehow make some time this weekend to spend with you for sure. I guess we will see how that goes. Who knows....maybe this guy really was busy, maybe he misses me now, or maybe he was seeing some other girl and things didn't work out and now he is ready to see me again. Either way I'm not holding my breath. All I know is that I backed off and for some reason he came back. It's worth a try I guess but there are better ones out there who WILL make time for you no matter what! Most of the time I believe it is mostly just an excuse.
Girlygirl1977 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I do believe if it is meant to be, it will be. Que sera, sera. Still I think in this situation this guy has made it blatantly clear he is not interested now and very unlikely lately. He has even told you he hopes you meet someone else!? wow - now if i heard that I would know he means business. I think you should definitely not keep in contact with this guy - his responses and non-responses ring loudly. Keep your dignity and find someone who really wants to be with you and would be horrified of thinking he might lose you to someone else (versus advising you to find someone else). I'm in a busy field and know many doctors, professionals etc. If they meet the right person, they make time. I'm sorry you are going through this but I also believe if you stop contact and get busy with your life, he will fade out of your mind in due time.
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