my partner of ten years and my close friend

[reallysadonacot]

So, hello all. I have never posted anything in my life. not a yelp review. here is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. very much looking forward to your responses and advice. also, I value honesty (now more than ever, of course!) but please try to avoid inflicting anymore emotional pain on me with visualizations like i've read in other posts-- i've seen as much as I need. thank you!

 

So, my partner; love of my life; crazy about him up until the minute he told me (or rather gave me a letter to read because he couldn't tell me); 'love you honey' everyday; 'thank you, honey' for every sweet thing he did for me; 'i'm sorry, honey' for every misunderstanding or conflict or hurt I might have inflicted on him; great sex, often, as much as he ever wanted, with genuine, ecstatic pleasure being the norm; amazingly close with his family and he with mine; a shared future with shared values; a rich history of helping each other acheive meaningful goals-- all that stuff. the couple that everyone, even my mom, say "what I really want is what you and ---- have"-- a comment or voiced desire that has always made me uncomfortable, but I also didn't think we were living a lie. I really and truly loved him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, come what may. I would have done anything for him. Certainly laid down my life. And he for me, or so I thought. We both come from highly divorced homes and I have never been too enthusiastic about mariage (to his chagrin), but even two months ago, we were saying, 'god, I'd love to marry to, be married to you' and were thinking about just having a little wedding for our tenth anniversary coming up in the fall.

 

Anyway, this man, has (yes, you guessed it, drumroll please...)-- BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS!!!!!

 

uh, what??? excuse me, baking powder?

 

He gave me the letter detailing the affair Wednesday afternoon. In addition to being friends, we are all co-workers. One evening (May 1st) they were coming home from work, and texted me to see if I wanted to come out and have a drink with them. I am in graduate school and had spent the last three days nearly sleeplessly finishing this important paper, that I had just submitted, and said, 'no way, way too tired, have fun'. Then they went by her and her husband's place (oh, yeah, she's a married woman of 8 years) to see if he wanted to come out (oh, yeah, and we're neighbors-- one of the reasons we wanted to move to this neighborhood in a new city for us is because 'our friends' would be so close-- our dogs are even of the same litter!!). Her husband said he had been working all day, all evening, 'no way, have fun'. So they went out and (they both say it was entirely unplanned, unpremeditated) got thoroughly wasted (this has been a problem for him, and she is manic depressive and bipolar) and stayed out at the bars till five in the morning then got a hotel room (for an hour!!!!) a couple blocks from our apartment and ****ed. hmmmmmmm... and without protection... and he and I were still having sex until I found out (awkward, irregular sex so I new something was up but he had me convinced that it was psychological, depression, anxiety on his part-- obviously it was mostly guilt, but he really had me going).

 

[i'm going to submit this now and keep telling the story b/c obviously I have a lot to say]

[username24]

Did you notice anything unusual about his behavior prior to May 1st?

[reallysadonacot]

this has been a really hard year-- in school full-time, working nearly full-time-- and it has taken a toll on both of us, but there were no indicators the relationship itself was on the line. I knew that things were really difficult, but in a few years we'd both have our PhDs and could look back at this time with a a hard time, but something we got through together.

 

five years ago something similar to this (no sex but a relationship with a mutual friend of ours that really pushed, well obliterated, the boundaries and felt disrespectful) and I left, we split for ten months, and when he tried to reconcile things, it took a long, long time to rebuild the trust. there was the understanding that nothing like this could ever, ever happen again. he committed himself to the relationship much more deeply and fully and nothing else had happened until now.one of the reasons i could eventually forgive thje earlier infidelity is that we were so young, in college, but nowc this feels like a time bomb set to explode. this is why i now that no matter how good things have been day-to-day with him, there is no way I can take him back. he's done it once, he's done it twice, there will be a third, a forth, a seventh time. I could spend my whole life like this, in this cycle of really, really good/ terrible.

 

both last time this happened and this time, he really went off the deep end-- he says he doesn't know who he is/ feels completely fractured/ despondent/ seems like a completely different person. usually he is so confident/ capable/ warm and open. durning the weird times he relies on alcohol much more heavily. Last time there was also drug use (cocaine) that I didn't know about... I can only assume there has also been that this time...hadn't thought of that yet. he comes from a long line of serious alcoholics so part of our relationship is being very vigilant about having a healthy relationship with substances (my family isn't all roses about this either but--and i realize that we can conceal so much from ourselves-- but substance abuse has never been an issue for me-- i'm too into exercise and yoga, eating well and generally taking care of my body). in general we do a good job about making sure nothing gets out of hand with him, but in these periods (and there have been other less severe ones) he completely goes off the rails-- probably a lot more than I know.

 

i think i felt a little tension, and i know that it is his tendency to stray, and b/c I am not necessarily sold on the whole monogamy can be the only way to have a healthy partnership, a month before this happened I even lightheartedly suggested maybe we try an open relationship (or even swinging!)-- I just wanted everything to be open and honest, and I genuinely enjoy sex and am very comfortable with my body and thought I might even enjoy expanding our 'sexual horizons'. I know that everybody says that an open relationship is one step away from breaking up, but I don't think I offered it in that spirit. I think I offered in the spirit of 'this could be a potentially fun thing, and if its not we can always back away together'. Anyway, he was like 'no way, not interested at all. i have everything I need sexually.'

 

p.s. i need to change my screenname thing. when I signed onto LS I was sitting on a cot my sister had made up for me at her house. I have moved on from that pathetic, crying all day and night scene and took me and her down to a awesome little motel on the ocean. somewhere i never been with him. i've been swimming in the ocean a lot-- I'm actually having a strange, fantastic time. I am just worried that I am still in shock and I will be much worse off in three months when everyone else has completley assimilated the information and moved on and I am a wreck. very hard to tell.

[Reggie]

Well, he has some big time problems, serial infidelity and CD issues. I think you are doing the right thing by getting out before you are married with kids. As you said, there is a high likliehood he will continue with these behaviors.

One thought occurred to me. The most recent bout of cheating coincides , temporally, with your suggestion of an open relationship. Do you think that triggered him? Could he have interpreted it as either a prelude to a breakup or an expression of dissatisfaction with him , sexually? I was thinking that if this was the case, he may have pre-emptively cheated so as to get out or as an act of spite over his perception that you felt him to be inadequate, sexually.

On the other hand, he has cheated in the past, so, perhaps, there is no relationship.

[citizen67]

Wow - how about your so-called friend? Have you discussed this with her? Does her husband know? How painful this must be for you to be doubly betrayed. And yes, that he did it again after seeing how hurtful it was the 1st time is NOT a good sign. He sounds like a very selfish person.

[eyeswide]

I'm sort of surprised that you've received so few responses. I don't have a whole lot to tell you except that I know that you must be hurting and wondering how not one, but two people who supposedly love you would do this to you. I too think that busy busy lives contributed to my husband and I becoming very estranged from each other -- "work before pleasure" and all that nonsense...

 

I think there are a few people on here who've been betrayed by best friends...or maybe that betrayed their best friends. Ugh. If the latter is the case, I doubt they'll have the nerve to post on your thread.

 

Do you still want to marry him? I think you are wise to take some serious time out. You don't have kids, so you've got to be wondering what is possibly available for you if you stay.

 

Have you talked to him much since you left?

 

Hang in there, surround yourself with strong people who aren't afraid to tell you the truth...

[DNU1]

Reallysadonacot:

 

Wow, I'm sorry you are here. Sorry to hear your story. I've been married to a serial cheater / liar for 18 years...and after finding out about the latest OM and repeated lies, well, I'm divorcing her.

 

First things first. Take your time and really look at what you want to do with this marriage. What do YOU want?

 

That might take you some time, but don't worry...just take the time and think about what is best for you. And it is probably best to be away from him right now...to get your bearings and help you make a sound decision.

 

Serial cheaters are a different breed. Folks on another board warned me about my STBxWW...but I would not listen. I kept wanting it to work for me, for her and for our children. Luckliy I trusted peoples feedback and verified her whereabouts (I snooped her tail off!) and found out about the latest batch of lies and OM#4 -- ICK.

 

Take your time, think about what you want.

 

If you really want to recover your marriage the people here can be of great help. I also know of a site similiar to this that has great people and great plans to help recover from affairs.

 

Again, take your time, let your emotions out, talk with people who care about you -- friends, family, etc.

 

Tell us what you want to do and we can help you formulate a plan. Many of us have been through this before and can offer you pretty sound advice.

 

AND, this is an important AND...seek counseling! Professional help is a good thing.

 

Take care, D.

[jmargel]

So long story short, you been with this guy for 10 years, love everything about this guy and still in love passionetly all this time. However you won't marry him.

 

During these 10 years a number of years back you felt disrespected by something that happened and left. He begged for forgiveness and you took him back. Eventually things got back to normal again however not only will you not marry him but you suggest an 'open relationship'.

 

Honestly what kind of signals are you trying to send? In all honesty, do you expect him to be a boyfriend to you for the rest of your life? This other woman (your friend) probably sees the positives this guy has and your lacking of wanting to marry him. He was a challenge to her as well, so she jumped on it. Booze in the mix, well it's a receipe for what happened.

 

Your fear of marriage tells me that you probably have alot of family problems in your past which often are brought to your own relationships. Good chance you are not telling us everything. Tell us how you treated him, tell us about your past.

 

Not saying it's an excuse to cheat, but good chance after 10 years you not wanting to marry I could see how he would feel like he's not good enough. Maybe it's time for some marriage counseling, even though you are not married you can still go.

[Reggie]

I did not see the part about her not wanting to marry. Are you sure this is the case? Perhaps it was mutual or his decision.

I do agree the suggestion for an open relationship may have sent him some sort of signal.

[Thornton]

You have admitted that he has a tendency to stray, and he has cheated on you twice. Your feelings about his tendency to stray led you to offer an open relationship, perhaps in an effort to keep him. He clearly doesn't respect you at all and you're better off without him; having done it twice (and gotten away with it) he WILL do it again.

 

Oh, and make sure you tell the other woman's husband all the gory details, because he has a right to know he's married to an adulterous whore. She is no longer your friend, never speak to her again.

 

ETA: Get yourself tested for STDs that he may have picked up from this tramp and passed on to you.

[jmargel]

I did not see the part about her not wanting to marry. Are you sure this is the case? Perhaps it was mutual or his decision.

I do agree the suggestion for an open relationship may have sent him some sort of signal.

 

 

From her:

 

We both come from highly divorced homes and I have never been too enthusiastic about mariage (to his chagrin), but even two months ago, we were saying, 'god, I'd love to marry to, be married to you' and were thinking about just having a little wedding for our tenth anniversary coming up in the fall.

[2sure]

ReallySad -

 

As you will read here - and having been in your shoes - I hope you DO continue to read...

 

Affairs are not about the sex. A person can be getting a variety of great sex at home, having threesomes, etc and still cheat. Its a selfish act, which results in a sexual one. Not the other way around.

 

Whether you decide to reconcile with your partner or not...

 

You are going to have to look into this experience, recognize it for what it was, etc. just so you move on. In a previous thread, we were just talking about personal growth resulting from dealing with infidelity....and its important. Right now, just know its possible.

[reallysadonacot]

Wow, thanks everyone for all of your thought on this. there are several questions or comments I thought I should respond to.

 

1: (2sure)-- about the personal growth that emerges from infidelity. how right; i feel like a living, breathing testament to that. I "forced" him to show him the emails between the two of them. Because even when he thought he had dropped the atom bomb of me, more was still coming out. what I have learned from this forum is called the "drip method" (i.e. no, they didn't have sex that first night. oh, actually they did. how many times total- 2, well, more like four. have you been talking? no. 30 minutes later, i find out they have been emailing everyday, talking on the phone everyday, texting incessantly. I had thought that one of our biggest conflicts at the moment was his overdependence of technology-- he seemed to be texting all the time, but he had gotten a new cell phone with a keypad, not the super basic phone that we've always had, like April 28th, a couple days before this happened. so I had been playfully nagging him, about 'give the guy a new phone and he overnight turns into a techie! geez!' thinking that it would eventually fade in excitement. well, of course, he was talking to her.) anyway, i needed to know the full ****ing thing, even if it killed me. so, I said 'open you email for me.' i had tried to get on myself (i often have to give him documents from his computer or look something up on his email for him if he is out and about, and vice versa). I tried to get on on my own, and his password was changed. I know all of his passwords. they also have something to do with us, or our life, little jokes. none worked. that when i realized that this was a hurricane katrina or tsunami or sept. 11th for my little life. after a day of talking (I brought him over to our family friends home, a very safe place for me and for him, the woman is a family and sex therapist. i knew he would talk there and i wanted answers. for him too, i wanted him to give them, so he could possibly see that he was on a runaway train headed straight for a cliff, and see what he needed to do for himself even if there was no chance for us.). he had managed to delay me reading these emails all day, and I knew I had to move fast because he would get rid of them. that night i dug my heels in. i said, 'you are not allowed to tell me what is good for me anymore, not right now. you were responsible for taking care of me and you did not, are not, and cannot. this is my line in the sand. if you do not do this for me (give me the emails), then...'. And we both knew my "then" was 'i will walk out of this life and you will never see me again.' He eventually acquiesced. He tried every possible tactic: making me feel stupid, naive, masochistic, like I was betraying some sacred trust by reading something that wasn't mine to read, trying to postpone and delay more, saying he doesn't even remember what is in the emails, what he wrote, saying they arn't even there anymore, being incredibly self-righteous. at one point, because (yes, someone guessed it, I was abused physically as a child) I thought he might hit me (i said that to him afterwards, and he took me in his arms, cried, and said that he could never, ever hit me. of course, what he did to is like be run over my a truck. worse. Btw, I know, I know, I was abused, I couldn't have anything else but ****ed up relationships, right? I had really commited to ending the cycle, right here, in my heart, in my life. I have done A LOT of therapy. A LOT of working to walk my talk. A lot of soul searching. I am getting my PhD in philosophy. I have been very honest about what has happened to me and what I've been around. I didn't think there were any rooms in my inner life I was avoiding-- I mean we had on rooms as life goes on, but I have really faced these particular demons. so that is one of the things that is so challenging to me: this was supposed to be maybe not the antithesis, but a different kind of species of man, and relationship, than my stepfather, or father. and yet here is this abusive element, like a shapeshifter, chameleon, has it been here all along waiting for when I got a little worn down, a little too busy, a little distracted, and it rears it really ****ing hideous head?)

 

Ah, but that is part of the reason, I knew I wasn't going to let myself be subjected to the drip method. And, he said "this will be catastrophic for me". and I said, "well, join the party." we couldn't help but laugh for an instant. and he just opened his email. and I said, 'give me 30 min.' and then I got down to business. He kept wandering into the other room and back, at times I would have to say 'leave me alone' but the 30 min. (which felt like eternity and just a moment) elasped with him kneeling next to me on the floor with his head in his hands and me sitting up in bed reading. he said, its been 30 min. I didn't ****ing know how long it had been but I said "you're right" and closed the computer.

 

what did I find. well, I tell you what I was expecting: "omg, I can't believe we did this. but it is so hot. what are we going to say to our partners. i was even thinking that he might say, something like, me (k.) "k. has been so annoying, or, she has been wanting to have sex, and I can't because of you" or "she is just so demanding and pathetic in wanting to make the world a better place" or something minor criticism of me, that would have been so wounding. in response, to somebody you asked what I'm really like-- i know I have my pathologies and hang ups and I can detail them for you if you like (one annoying thing that I know I've been doing is I dedcided that I really needed to spend a bit of money updating my wadrobe-- with classic things that really fit really well and I can wear five days a week for ten years, I've been spending a lot of time looking a clothes sites on the internet. mostly when i'm on my own time, not relationship time, but that is a lot of energy that i've been putting into something that doesn't give him any pleasure, but i decided it was important to me. I will take my new beautiful, non-sweatshop silk skirt, high high heels, form fitting tank top, trench coat, with beautiful undergarments, my hair done, nice lipstick on, and meet him at one of his favorite restaurants, want him to take my underwear off in the cab on the way home (the cab is the special treat) but I know he won't and its okay for that to be just my fantasty, and we will have great sex when we get home. Anyway, point is, but we've been able accomodate eachother's hangups and weirdnesses. In know that one thing that must be really difficult about being with me is that I am fully committed to living a meaningful life, in the search of what is real (even if the real fractures as it is approached), and I also am very serious in my committment to try my damnest not to do harm to others. i know it must feel for him, like there is no down time, no time to just be a prick. but, I try to accomdate him with some healthy prick-time. I am super generous in supporting his friendships with people that think I am naive-hippie-girl. last summer he didn't have the money to go across the country to a friend's wedding, a friend who is a naval officer, war-and-bomb crazy, about to marry a blond/ synthetic boob nurse (i.e. not bad things, not bad people, I love his friend, and whoever he picks to marry, best of luck. but a life choice really incompatible with my commoittments). we couldn't both go, one of us had to work, but i gave him about $1000 to fly there, get a hotel room, bought this friend and his wife a great wedding gift, do some nice things for himself while he was there, have the right clothes to go to a wedding. I knew that he be with all these military guys all weekend, maybe go to a couple stripclubs, drink a lot, who knows. I knew I would be healthy and fun for him, and exactly the kind of thing I had no interest in spending a weekend of my life doing. So go and have fun. (now, i wonder if there was cheating then... my point is that i never tried to test him, but i know from what i've been through that people have to take responsibility for their own life and actions, you can't take responsibility for them, if he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. if he did, either that would be that, no regrets, or he'd start taking responsibility and we would do all the work one needs to be to grow together from there. and we might as well not make ourselves sick with worry in the meantime). that is part of what not being married means to me. to know that either one of you could walk evryday and it is a choice, a decision, to be there. that's a lot of pressure. but even my rhetoric of not getting married was for other people when they would pushily interrogate me. some of the time, for the shock-value, i suppose, and also because i think that gay rights is just such as important conversation to have, and solidarity is a meaningful expression of humanity for me, I would say, "you know, grandma, I think we will get married, as soon as marriage is a equal opportunity institution and gays and lesbians have has much of a right to get maried and n. and me." well, my grandma now, in her little way, is a gay rights advocate. so, that is what would be ****ing possible about dating me: i don't let myself hide, and if your partner isn't hiding, you can't just go and hide, so you have to be out there too. so, I can see why the way he betrayed me would have to be so off-the-****ing-wall. i'm hard. and i don't want to live anyway else.

 

btw, the question about the open relationship thing. i think he knew that i thought he was more than sexually adequate. he knew, from me telling me all the time, and also from how my body responds to him and has responded to him for a long time, that I thought he was sexually-****ing-amazing:). what i was voicing, and had voiced directly, but was taking a different tack is that, our conditions were chanding, because things in our life had become so difficult (school, work, the city, money, stress etc. etc. etc.) we were becoming really serious, unhealthly serious. about the open relationship thing I was saying, maybe we should change it up, be flexible and merciful with ourselves.

 

ah, so what did I actually find in those emails? From the first word, I knew it was worse than I could have ever, ever, ever imagined. I forwarded some chains to myself and I will read them in maybe 5 years, or not. what wasn't in there was a single thing about me, not one slight to me, not one guilty thought about me, this was a world where I didn't exist. reading that first line, I actually think my heart might have stopped for a beat. i felt this weird hiccup in the dead center of my heart, and then everything became very calm. there was my breath, the room, space, time. i felt completely in the "now". i just scanned all the emails to get a sense of the progression of the relationship, its quality. lines I remember: him: "you ask what we have. what do we have? something like love, passion, raw lust." there was an allusion to the phone sex they had had. later i found out that this happened when n. was upstairs taking a bath and I was downstairs with my family (he had come on a family vacation/ reunion trip with me from May 16th-23rd and having this relationship with her from there). they detailed their best day that would happen in the future when they ride into the sunset together: his was all things he and I had done together in real life. there was a whole email chain entitled 'post-midnight thoughts'

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your an idiot if you even consider yourself going to stay with this guy, expose the affair to the woman's husband, and let the chips fall where they may, he's bi-sexual or gay I dont get it.

 

Also if he's cheated twice why stay with him??? WTF do you stay for?

 

This guy hasnt thought about you at all, it's all about him!!!

[reallysadonacot]

to continue: there was also no progression. the first emails, a couple days, or the next day, after the hotel room, were just as crazy. it didn't start as, "I can't believe we did this, I am so scared to tell my husband but maybe we have something" and build. it was like a rabbit out of a hat from the first communication.

 

i have a lot more to say, and thank you all for your contributions, a lot of things I couldn't see have been pointed out to me by your experiences.

 

I took a couple weeks off of work to do some soul searching and I am doing a lot of things i've been wanting to do. as i said, I got off the cot at my sister's place and took her down to this little beach town and actually had a lot of fun. tomorrow I am going to go climb this mountain (no, literally, a mountain) that I always wanted to climb. i'm such a planner, but i literally can't plan two hours into the future right now. maybe not an hour, 15min. and I don't really want to, and its fun. so perhaps i will want to be on the computer all day and do some of this work now in the community space, or maybe I won't be back for a few days and spend some time in the woods. either way, i do feel its helping to write it out. and (stay tuned, if you want) because I havn't gotten to all the really funny parts. well, the funniest. is when after going on a hike with his mom and his and my dog to say goodbye, i called him and asked me to meet me for a drink to return my stuff. and (straight from the ****ing hike) got my hair did, manicure and pedicure, waxed, bought a hot mini dress and earning, had high heels in my car (the really high ones that I never wear because I look like an amazon), put on a lot more makeup than I normally wear and walked into to this bar (i knew if i met him at a bar he wouldn't no show). of course, i got a lot of attention (normally i never put him in a situation like that of other men coming up to talk to me when he is in the bathroom or something), had a glass on wine with him, asked him why, asked him if he knew that I would have done absolutely anything for him and yes happiness was one of the most important things to me, second only to my own. and he said yes. and then he left because his friend had a neckache. lame. and a guy (with his gf, not icky) said, "he just left you here, that doesn't seem very smart, they're going to be closing in". and i said, "I don't think he's too worried about it. that's the rest of my stuff (pointing to this giant awakward bag in the corner-- he couldn't even put in in my car!!! i'm wearing high heels!) and he's been having an affair with my best friend." of course, their jaws dropped. I obviously don't unload of stangers very much. in fact, i hardly evben talk to strangers except, the please, thankyou, have a good day stuff. anyway we had a fantastic time, with real conversations, and I went home that night and had pretty good, SAFE sesx with the bartender. why the **** not. (p.s. and no, I didn't get trashy drunk. and yes, it was my idea).

[reallysadonacot]

p.s. oh, I'm not staying.

 

after I read the emails and we had talked about it. I got very close to his face and said. I have seen you 'worts and all' now. (i thought I already had, but now i really had). that is why this is catastrophic for you. i have seen your deepest, darkest underbelly. and it is really disgusting. if you want to wake up tomorrow morning and leave our lives (the work, the school, all of our plans to be so accomplished and hyper-educated) and go back to **** (this little cottage on a vineyard where we lived together for one idyllic year), and you work on yourself, and I work on my self, and we work on our relationship and have that be our number one priority, I will leave with you tomorrow. I can't promise that after two years, or two months, the I will find out that the well has run dry for me. But I will try."

 

and he said, 'the part of me that could recommit to you is the same part of me that will destroy everything, myself, you.'

 

that door, olive branch, boat has sailed. i have since put things in place so that I don't have to see him for a long, long time if I don't want to.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's good your not gonna mope around about this guy , he's so self absorbed, it's good that your leaving people like him are hard to change their ways.

 

Have you exposed the affair to your ex friends husband? Dont let it go on without everyone knowing. I mean if I was him I would want to know.

[reallysadonacot]

he's known for much longer than I. the morning she came home she told her husband. he said get out. and they have been separated for a little over a month. he thought it was a one off thing and after a couple weeks said maybe they should have a few conversations. he said she was kinda blase about the two of them sorting things out. telling him all the "right" things: "it was just about the sex, didn't mean anything" "no, I don't want to see him again" but something wasn't right. when he and I talked he was able to put it together that it wasn't a one-time thing and they were planning a future together. It really shocked him because had had difficulties but were in the middle of trying to find a two bedroom apartment in the city: an extra room for the baby. they were trying to get pregnant, though it is more complicated for them b/c she has to be off of her medication for 6 months before getting pregant and she's never been successfully able to get off. I was hoping she was off her medication when they happened (b/c manic depressive/ bipolar people are so intoxicating when they are on their ups, that would explain a bit) but m. (her husband) assures me she was fully on her meds. anyway, he really considered telling me, but just thought he wasn't his place. and, since I had absolutely no idea, it actually might have been too much trauma to find out that way. because you really can't believe it without seeing it, i said that i thought i could in good conscience forward him the emails b/w his wife and my partner. I just want him to be able to move on or know what he is doing if he stays. he is also a friend. the last time I saw my "friend" we had her and her husband over to dinner at our place. now, a week later, just an hour ago, he asked for the emails. i just sent them to him.

[citizen67]

really, I hope it gives you some comfort that he is now stuck with a crazy person!

[Reggie]

really, I hope it gives you some comfort that he is now stuck with a crazy person!

 

How is he stuck?

[Chrome Barracuda]

How is he stuck?

 

LOL true, I dont think he's gonna remain long with her easier, but some people are so self absorbed in their justification with the affair and the affair partner that even when the affair partner does go crazy, which 90% of the time they do. They'll stay with them more than likely because they need to prove everyone else wrong.

 

But your right this guy is gonna bounce first chance he get's he buttered this woman up to just get in them drawers and when he gets fed up sayonara.

[jmargel]

RS,

 

I'm not about to tell you what to do, but having sex with a stranger probably won't solve your problems. I was there myself when my ex-fiance left I slept with quite a few women afterwards (she was the one that cheated). All it really did was leave a hollow feeling inside, it wasn't filling the void. Maybe I did it just because I wanted to feel 'wanted' at the time since it felt like my ex threw me to the curb.

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief, it's something I went through, most do. However the final stage (which takes quite awhile to get to) is acceptance. Though you don't approve of what happened, you accept it, you then feel inside you are ready to move on. I encourge you to look it up, it might give you a guidance on what to expect in the near future.

 

Are you sure this is the first woman he's done this with? You only know about her, what about the years prior? Though you might never know, it's something to think about. Also remember to not let this affect your own self-worth. Nothing you said or did caused him to cheat, he did this for his own reason, which he has to come to terms with. You do deserve answers but you might not get them now because he might not even know himself.

 

Often affairs, etc.. are not just about sex. It comes down to a spouse not believing their expectations are being met and then decide to look to fill that void with someone else. Often a cheater will become defensive and will lay blanket statements about their spouse. General statements to make them justify in their own head on what they are doing by cheating is ok.

 

Then you also have the ones that are just narcassists, who believe the world revolves around them and nothing else matters except their feelings.

 

With my situation it was the trust that hurt the most. Perhaps I was nieve because she was my first love, but being with her 5 years I thought I knew her quite well. My ignorance was that people change over the years and sometimes for the worst. What makes this difficult for you is that you were abused and probably feel like you are getting hit and neglected all over again. Remember this didn't happen because of you, he would have done it to whoever he was with, just like whoever abused you when you were a child, that monster would have done it to another as well.

 

My best advice to you at this point it to take things day by day or hour by hour if needed. Continue to talk it out and to start to set short term goals for yourself. Try not to listen to sappy music, or romanticize the past. Don't try to be on the prowl for revenge/rebound sex, or get involved with someone too close emotionally right now. You need time to heal and time to allow closure, it's something you didn't deserve but unfortunetly we sometimes hit these ruts in our lives.

 

Hang in there, we all love ya.

[Reggie]

jmargel is right. One of the toughest things for a person betrayed to accept is that he or she did not cause the cheating. You seem to have a handle on that. You boyfriend is a deeply disturbed person. He has CD issues and that often goes hand in hand with a personality disorder. And, your "friend" clearly has a mental illness.

You will be okay , in time. One day you will realize that getting out was the best thing that could have happened to you. Just let time heal you and talk to your loved ones for support.

[2sure]

]... i said' date=' [u']'you are not allowed to tell me what is good for me anymore, not right now.[/u] you were responsible for taking care of me and you did not, are not, and cannot. this is my line in the sand. ..[/b]

 

Thats it. You got it. And you did it. So many people listen to the words - instead of drawing that line. You REFUSED to continue to be a victim here.

 

....and he took me in his arms, cried, and said that he could never, ever hit me. of course, what he did to is like be run over my a truck. worse. Btw, I know, I know, I was abused, I couldn't have anything else but ****ed up relationships, right? I had really committed to ending the cycle, right here, in my heart, in my life. I

 

And that. The underlined part. Sad - thats the part that broke you. For me, when my H cheated....it hurt that he betrayed me...but the real catastrophe for me was: I THOUGHT I HAD FINALLY MADE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP DECISION. I was so sure. I felt like I had betrayed myself, and could not trust my own judgment.

 

BUT: I got over it. I recovered. I am stronger than ever because like you...and I'm reading between the lines here, but think I'm right:

Because of your past experience, you refuse to be a victim. Cant stand it. Especially your own victim. I hear that.

 

I'm ok now. You will be too.

[reallysadonacot]

2sure: thank you, you go it. My sister says that she thinks we should be friends in real life. Although, this experience of telling my story and receiving advice has been more real-life than a lot of real life.

 

good advice on not getting too emotionally close to anyone right now. that would be my achilles heel in getting over this in the strongest way possible. because my energy right now is really open and positive and I am getting a lot of potential takers. i am seeing a new friend tomorrow. he has gone through his own really hard time: 2 tours of duty in iraq as a firefighter, went into a deep funk upon return, he has been healthy and un-depressed for 2 years and got to a place of loving and accepting himself no matter what. a good friend to have no matter what. my next move is to do a mini-silent retreat. 24 hours in silence and some time alone in the woods to seal my self-acceptance and self-love.

 

thank you everyone. i looked over the five stages of grief-- it think I am moving back and forth between phases, but I AM participating in the acceptance stage. I have written letters to many of the people in our shared life and have gotten an absolutely amazing amount of support and feel separated and completely dependent from his and the OW's lies, deceit, and low self esteem.

 

also, a book that i think everyone should own and has been amazing fotter for my fire this week: "Listening is an Act of Love: A celebration of the american life from the storycorps project". I would buy it for all of you if I could, it's $10.20 on amazon.

 

Much love,

Kiley