tweezers Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 <-- Whaaaat is that? hahahahaha This is gonna be really long. I'm sorry. But I don't know what's going on with my brain!!!!!! Anyway, I'm...uh... I don't know what I'm doing but I do know for certain that I am going absolutely insane and I just need to get some of this out of my head before my head explodes and I have some final papers to write and a lot of other stuff to do within the next few days so an exploded head at this point in time might not be very good. Nope. Wow, these emotes are adorable. Sorry. Okay. I'm a very private girl. Very private and very stubborn and usually very good at handling stuff on my own and keeping other people out of it but never has any "matter of the heart" () been this heavy for me. I'd also not really opened up too much romantically, mainly out of fear of being hurt. I'd never before been particularly screwed over (in the love realm, at least), and I'm not sure if I've just gotten lucky or if it was the keeping my heart closed that kept me from getting terribly crushed. I mean, I'd dated guys previously but hadn't opened up enough to allow them to really get to me any more than, say, a coworker might. That probably sounds weird but my social skills don't extend past the surface so, for me, it's not terribly surprising. That previous paragraph was full of muddled diction. Here're the, uh, basics: About a year ago, I met a guy. We'll call him Potato, just because I have a very intense craving for mashed potatoes right now. This is weird. Well, I met Potato on some forum for depressives (which is weird enough, because internet romance is odd to me). I'm all screwed up and boohoo and big mess but he's pretty, um, "normal." He gets a little down from time-to-time but I suppose everyone does? He was mostly just there out of some sort of strange curiosity or something. Or other. I found out he lives in the same city as me!!111 OMG SO COOL AND SERENDIPITOUS All right, Potato's got a really good sense of humor. So have I. That's what got us talking in the first place. Our senses of humor. We'd spend a few hours each night on AIM pretty much just quipping each other to sleep. Good fun. I didn't really think of him as more than someone with whom I could play wit-ball. Not at first. We met. Talked, hung out. Still pretty much spent all our time together quipping each other to death. It was cute. But quips turned into actual conversations. ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. I'm scared of those. I don't do those. Out of nowhere, he was like, "So, why are you even depressed?" Awwwwkward. With reticence and reserve, I answered him. We talked for a few hours about it. It felt good. He's a sweetheart, I found out. He's a good listener. He's compassionate, smart, funny. We have sooooo much chemistry. I can actually talk to someone about things. Wow! That was my thinking process. (Don't worry, I didn't find out that he was like 57 and married or anything. My life's not that much of a sitcom.) Potato started opening up to me too. When he felt depressed, he'd talk to me. I'd talk him through it. Generally, I was quite capable of pulling him from a silly little depression. And generally, he was quite capable of calming me the heck down when I was freaking out. It was mutually beneficial and for once in my life I felt respected and appreciated and like I meant something to someone and... *SIGH* I could all of the sudden concentrate better and my days went more swiftly and smoothly and I smiled more and this, my friends, was the life. One day, he sat me down and asked me if he thought we could ever be more than friends. :eek: At this point I'm ripped off cloud nine and placed on cloud thirty-three I'm coy. I tell him I'll think about it. He asks me again later and I tell him yes, but I add the disclaimer "I don't want it to screw up our friendship." "It won't," he says. "It won't change the way I view you so it won't change our friendship. If an attempt at relationship is full of bull****, then that's cool. Whatever. It's worth it and you're worth it." Once again, this friggin' ANGEL has managed to alleviate my stress. So we meet again, but this time to go have dinner and a movie in hopes that maybe we can pull something out of it, I guess. Something more than a quip-filled friendship. It's weird. Quiet. Awkward. ... We leave. Potato gets home. I get home. Later that night we get on AIM. Our conversations are weird, quiet and awkward. Forced. We talk occasionally, but it's very occasionally. And then, about five months ago, he falls off the face of the Earth. Just... he falls off the face of the Earth. Off AIM, doesn't answer texts, emails, phone calls, whatever elses. Dude's gone. For a week or two, I was like, "Okay, so maybe he's just busy with school and stuff. I mean, I know the dinner thing was awkward and he's kinda moody; maybe he's ruminating over that. He'll be okay. He'll come around." I'm stubborn. One are-you-ok email, one offline message on AIM, one phone call, and one text seemed enough and even way too much and I felt ashamed of myself for "chasing" him in this way so I just left it. I let it go. I was falling apart, of course. I couldn't concentrate worth a damn again, but I let it go. And I was getting through it, so I thought. Met a guy (Pasta) outside my apartment and he and I'd been talking for a while. Obviously, he couldn't compare to Potato, but he was, at least, a little more attractive than Potato. Pasta was a little edgier, too. Pasta was a little more fun in terms of adventure, but Pasta's sense of humor wasn't as good, and Pasta didn't understand what I was talking about when I said these little nonsensical things, and Pasta didn't humor my insanity when I was freaking out over something. Nope. Pasta didn't. But that's okay, because we have to get over Potato, so Pasta'll just have to do. I worked through it. Every time anything happened (good or bad) I wanted so badly to tell Potato every last bit of it, but it's okay. I worked through it. Internalization is my usually my default, anyway. I was spoiled with Potato is all. Didn't frequent the forum for depressives too much anymore, even. Once a week or so, maybe. Then in like late March (and by this time I'd broken up with Pasta [and I had very little qualms about the break up with Pasta, might I add. I didn't feel half as hurt as I did when Potato abandoned me]), Potato shows up at that forum for depressives with no other excuse but "My grades were dropping." Granted, he went through some stuff, I know, and I talked to him a little bit after this and tried to give him bits of advice and stuff but he didn't really appreciate it like he used to. ...I wanted to not be the crazy super possessive "female dog" ;)and think that "yeah, that was probably the case. He was probably really busy for FOUR MONTHS and the fact that I thought he might've been dead or something? Not a big deal," but um... we'd been telling each other everything for half a year at that point, could he not like... just... tell me? Ouch. So whatever. He's moody and thoughtless. I try to convince myself that he's not worth it anyway and I don't frequent that forum so much anymore (although, every time I do he seems to pop up, which is odd) and I start talking to other guys and I'm doing all right till like the middle of May, or so I think. I think I'm just distracting myself and it's cool. I'm still depressed as ever but I'm depressed about the things I've always been depressed about and not the fact that Potato's not around anymore to make me feel understood. I emailed him a couple times with quick little nice things like "I hope you're doing okay" partially trying to make them my last words to him and partially hoping that he'll email me back and apologize or confess his love or something....... ugh, I'm such a big baby this is SO unrealisticiwjiowjg-034o Anyway, I got quite sick in mid-May (yeah, last month), which means I couldn't leave my place as much, which means I spent some time with my thoughts (and on the internet, where I'd occasionally find Potato sitting on a messenger and not speaking to me -- and I'm stubborn, too, so I blocked the bastard, but unblocked him later because I'm a pansy). But I just wanted someone to... talk to me. Because he was good for me. But he actually wasn't, nope, I told myself. Not really. I was just being crazy. So I created this terrible picture of him in my head hoping then I wouldn't want him back. And then I talked to him yesterday, when I was worried about something, just because I really needed someone to talk to and he was around. And he was really caring and gentle and compassionate and understanding and he listened so well and he... listens... so well. And behind his words, he seems kinda sad or at least at a distance. We don't quip at each other anymore. Not really. I don't know what I'm doing. And I can't tell how he's feeling, not at all. Usually I can, but not this time. Should I...ask him? Even if he told me hated me, it'd be fine. I think that'd make it better. It'd just make me know that I have to get over him, instead of wondering if I even should. Should I just...leave it alone? Leave him alone? Step away from this point in my life and this person in my life and have it be a lesson and a tick in the timeline? Grow from it... and grow away from it? I hate this phrase because it applies to everything, but it's "easier said than done." And this time it's really easier said than done because my heart's being a little more stubborn than my brain. I've never had them fight like this before. The heart's usually pretty easy to subdue. This all seems so petty written out but there's a lot more behind it than meets the eye. I keep comparing every other guy to him and this is a most horrible cycle. I miss him. We'd have been good for each other. And it's just funny how the first guy to whom I legitimately open up flakes out on me. It's just... funny. Just trying to deal with this. -C
TheBigCow Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 This is long IMO, tell him how you feel. A lot of us are here because we've lost someone and we're avoiding contacting them because we know they don't want us and we're trying to recover. But you have no idea how he feels and he has no idea how you feel! If you don't talk to him.. there will come a day, perhaps with another man where you will have to openly talk and admit your feelings, relationships without that are doomed. So why not make it now?
Author tweezers Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 This is long Sorry. Told ya. IMO, tell him how you feel. A lot of us are here because we've lost someone and we're avoiding contacting them because we know they don't want us and we're trying to recover. But you have no idea how he feels and he has no idea how you feel! I told him once that I couldn't stop thinking about him. But, I think, maybe I need to be more serious. Because everything I say is always full of jokes and I'm not sure he can tell if I'm being serious or not. Or maybe he can. He actually usually knows. I mean, his response to the "I can't stop thinking about you" spiel was "thanks for the email, it made me laugh." One time, back when we were actually talking, I was on the phone with him and I told him I didn't wanna lose him and he said "What? Don't be all schmaltzy" and kinda laughed. Then I kinda laughed. Ugh. I don't wanna seem clingy. It's not my way. And he doesn't like that. He told me so. He doesn't respond positively or negatively to things said with feeling; they make him kinda awkward. Maybe both of us just need to grow up. Maybe I just need to leave him alone. I mean, he obviously disappeared for a reason. If you don't talk to him.. there will come a day, perhaps with another man where you will have to openly talk and admit your feelings, relationships without that are doomed. So why not make it now? That's a good point, yeah. Thank you, BigCow xxx
Leveller Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Might I suggest that this guy might not know whether he is coming or going with you? Just be straight and be nice about it-try and drop the defences occassionally. Don't be afraid to express how you feel without buying a ticket on the express train to Ramblesville! I hope you take this as encouragement and not as a slight.
Author tweezers Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Might I suggest that this guy might not know whether he is coming or going with you? Just be straight and be nice about it-try and drop the defences occassionally. Don't be afraid to express how you feel without buying a ticket on the express train to Ramblesville! I hope you take this as encouragement and not as a slight. No, no, I don't take it as a slight at all! Thank you for your words!
TheBigCow Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yep clingy is bad for most guys (I actually find it quite cute ). I mean just honestly spell out how you feel and then you can be content knowing he knows how you feel. Maybe cut back on the jokes for one conversation Sorry. Told ya. Haha its okay, you're an interesting person to read
Author tweezers Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thank you. I feel a little better after having gotten that out anyway I think I'll talk to him when I can muster the courage
nomoregummybears Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I must say, while your post was rather...lengthy, I enjoyed reading it. I've never thought of thinking of my last love interest as food before. I think it helps me objectify things and keeps me from just letting all the crap that she's put me through conveniently slide from my thoughts in my weaker moments. Another reason I enjoyed reading it was that I feel myself in a similar situation, in the sense that things are kind of awkward between myself and one of the first people I ever really opened up to. Weird how things can change between even the closest of friends just like that. I agree with your decision to talk to him. Good luck! =)
Author tweezers Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 We're officially done. Feels better knowing. I'm not even gonna wallow. Been wallowing for about five months now. Suckin' it up, movin' on.
TheBigCow Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I'm glad you have gained some closure. To be honest, you deserve someone much better than the kinda guy who just vanishes on you. Good luck with everything, I hope we see you around LS
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