Author shadowplay Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 That's sad. I can't understand people who care what other people think of their SOs. To answer your question, no. I don't feel that I deserve someone good-looking. I'll admit that a guy has to meet certain loose criteria for me to find him attractive (not very overweight or short), but past a certain level I don't care. I just don't understand men who are so perfectionistic about their partners. If she has some flaw in her body or face it's like they can't see past that. Why is that even important? It's not a competition. I might add that nobody deserves a good looking person more than anybody else, though some people seem to feel that way. You don't "earn" your looks, so being born attractive doesn't mean you deserve anything. I can't believe people even think in those terms. I'm so sick of the whole league nonsense. It's so silly.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I remember this really hot kid from high school that all the girls crushed on. Was president of his class, played soccer and was just very invovled, smart and hot. He dated one of the prettiest girls in high school as well. Well this year I joined facebook and got a chance to see a picture of him and his girlfriend through another classmate friend and the girl he is currently with is not a looker. She is not even that "cute". She isn't ugly or hideous either. Just average. I would have never in a million years pictured him with a girl like this. But there he is smiling away with his arm around her. Not that I think that happens all the time.
sally4sara Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Definitely a guy think. If I like somebody, I go with it. I don't agonize about whether he's "good looking enough" for me or what other people will think. People shouldn't use their partners to validate them. Oh I was teasing him! I am quite sure there are women out there who have done the same. I did try to talk myself into dating a guy I was lukewarm over because he was pudgy but a good conversationalist. In that case, he didn't have enough good qualities to make up for it. He was just too....he came off like he was GRATEFUL for me even giving him the time of day. It didn't feel like a pairing of equals and I could just see him kissing my ass all the time or fretting over every male friend I had.
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I'm more interested in the less extreme cases. It's easy to denounce attractive women who have repulsive personalities, but what about beautiful women whose weaknesses aren't so immediately apparent? What about a gorgeous woman who is somewhat nice and somewhat intelligent but doesn't have much in common with you vs. an average looking woman who is very smart, nice and shares your interests? Who would you be more likely to fall for? If she were average would you even get to know her enough to allow yourself to fall for her? This is where it starts to get sticky, where beauty can really act like beer goggles because the personality flaws aren't quite as glaring. I realize that you're looking for less extreme cases, but she was a well known person who blatantly exemplified my point. To answer your follow-up question, based on my dating history, I'd have to say that I probably would get to know the average girl well enough. Although I found them beautiful, I think it's fair to say that most of the girls I've dated would be objectively called "average" looking. Unfortunately, I'm probably not within the average range you're looking for. I'm one of those weird guys who only dates for love, and not for the simple enjoyment of dating.
sally4sara Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I remember this really hot kid from high school that all the girls crushed on. Was president of his class, played soccer and was just very invovled, smart and hot. He dated one of the prettiest girls in high school as well. Well this year I joined facebook and got a chance to see a picture of him and his girlfriend through another classmate friend and the girl he is currently with is not a looker. She is not even that "cute". She isn't ugly or hideous either. Just average. I would have never in a million years pictured him with a girl like this. But there he is smiling away with his arm around her. Not that I think that happens all the time. My ex MIL had neighbors like this; the guy a stunner while the wife was plain..... You know that song - if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife... Yeah, he traveled a lot for work and it ended up coming out that he cheated something chronic. He probably agreed with the song and decided to marry someone who wouldn't have as many opportunities to do what he intended to do.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Or he could have just been a guy that loved her at one point and ended up cheating like so many guys do? I won't deny that women are judged more critically when it comes to looks though. Some average to below average guys give me the impression that they are holding out for Giselle. For me personally, chemistry is way more important and you can't pick who you will ahve chemistry with.
sally4sara Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Or he could have just been a guy that loved her at one point and ended up cheating like so many guys do? It would be nice to think so, but she confided in my exMIL that he had been like that when they met in college. She forgave him and when he proposed she thought he had decided to be committed.... And when he proposed, she thought herself the luckiest of all her friends because he was so good looking. Its really all about self esteem.
carhill Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Actually I think most women prefer men who see past the superficial. I've never heard a woman complain that a guy fell in love with her because of who she is, not her looks. Like another poster mentioned, to fall in love, there must be attraction first, enough to generate the desire and interest to take the time and expend the energy to know a person well enough to fall in love. What attracts a man? A woman? That said, if your question presumes each partner meets the attraction requirement and they are mutually attracted, what takes that attraction to the elemental level of 'in love' for a man? I must say, for the majority of my male friends and colleagues, it appears to be appearance, combined with sex, at least based on how they share the experience of their partner. Of course, they may just be lying to save face, IDK. A stickier question is what motivates a man to commit to a woman he finds attractive and falls in love with....what causes her to rise above all other potentials to occupy his heart and mind in a consistent and significant way throughout time? Since I didn't answer your question in my first response, I will now. It's no big surprise that, the two times I've been 'in-love', there was nothing physical (as in 'looks') that I used to describe the experience. In fact, in the unique experiece of being able to look back at appearance many, many years later, I found one person did not even resemble in pictures the way the image of her was imprinted into my mind. It was almost shocking, and very revealing. I've had a few experiences recently which support this phenomena, in that it is the essence of the person which imprints upon me and moves me emotionally and attracts me elementally. I can look objectively and think of a million little superficial reasons why I shouldn't be moved and attracted but, regardless, there it is. Shadow, do you think you appear 'closed' to men? Do you know what that means? It doesn't have anything to do with your appearance.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I know physical attraction is what initially draws you to a woman, but once you get to know her fully, does her physical appearance play a large part in why you fall in love with her? I have observed some men who fall in love with women who are very attractive but have lacking personalities. If the woman you fell in love with suddenly lost her looks for some reason out of her control would you fall out of love with her? Let's say she suddenly switched bodies with a woman who was just average or even slightly below. How would that affect your feelings for her? Please be honest. It's not possible. I've had very pretty women who could not even turn me on.
clv0116 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 She is not even that "cute". .... But there he is smiling away with his arm around her. She probably gives amazing head.
MeaganRaye Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Whats the point of even being beautiful if looks dont matter in the first place..you mean to tell me a pretty woman has it no different than an average or ugly woman..?
You'reasian Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I know physical attraction is what initially draws you to a woman, but once you get to know her fully, does her physical appearance play a large part in why you fall in love with her? I have observed some men who fall in love with women who are very attractive but have lacking personalities. If the woman you fell in love with suddenly lost her looks for some reason out of her control would you fall out of love with her? Let's say she suddenly switched bodies with a woman who was just average or even slightly below. How would that affect your feelings for her? Please be honest. Switched bodies? That's impossible. Now, if you're trying to bait and switch and the guy doesn't find you attractive - shame on you (not him) lol. I can't be in a relationship with a woman whom doesn't have a decent personality. In my opinion, bad personality can make a beautiful woman unattractive.
clv0116 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Whats the point of even being beautiful if looks dont matter in the first place..you mean to tell me a pretty woman has it no different than an average or ugly woman..? The guys that claim that are usually mommas boys and/or can't get the hot ones.
JohnnyBlaze Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Whats the point of even being beautiful if looks dont matter in the first place..you mean to tell me a pretty woman has it no different than an average or ugly woman..? That's a whole different matter. What qualities a guy is initially attracted to and what qualities he falls in love with are two completely separate lists. It's the same way in which women fall for men. When was the last time that you were out at a bar with the girls, looked across the room and said "look at the caring on that guy"?
MeaganRaye Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 That's a whole different matter. What qualities a guy is initially attracted to and what qualities he falls in love with are two completely separate lists. It's the same way in which women fall for men. When was the last time that you were out at a bar with the girls, looked across the room and said "look at the caring on that guy"? but if in the end you are still going to get the guy what is the point of even being beautiful?
IrishCarBomb Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 but if in the end you are still going to get the guy what is the point of even being beautiful? Emphasis added: That's a whole different matter. What qualities a guy is initially attracted to and what qualities he falls in love with are two completely separate lists.
MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Emphasis added: doesn't make a difference. whether you are pretty or ugly you can still find love right? so what is the point of being beautiful
carhill Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 doesn't make a difference. whether you are pretty or ugly you can still find love right? so what is the point of being beautiful Generally, if by beautiful you are describing universal attractiveness, such widens the scope of your potentials amongst the subset of the population which responds positively to physical beauty. IME, that's a substantial subset, so, your genetics, plus your attention to your outward appearance, garner you more opportunities to personally encounter someone whom you also find attractive. Without that first step, no romantic interaction takes place and it is generally not possible for falling in love to ever happen. An obvious exception is when long-term friends who had no such attraction develop it, but, if LS is any indicator, that would appear to be exceedingly rare. Hope that helps!
MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Generally, if by beautiful you are describing universal attractiveness, such widens the scope of your potentials amongst the subset of the population which responds positively to physical beauty. IME, that's a substantial subset, so, your genetics, plus your attention to your outward appearance, garner you more opportunities to personally encounter someone whom you also find attractive. Without that first step, no romantic interaction takes place and it is generally not possible for falling in love to ever happen. An obvious exception is when long-term friends who had no such attraction develop it, but, if LS is any indicator, that would appear to be exceedingly rare. Hope that helps! Okay, well, maybe I need Plastic Surgery because who I like doesn't like me back. And those who like me, I don't like. Maybe I should get some breast implants and a few other things to increase my chances of finding an equal attraction
Isolde Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Shadow, as always, you raise provocative questions, and I appreciate that you're not satisfied with extreme examples or platitudes, but instead want to look deeper. For one thing, I think most men and most women are willing to give up a little in looks to gain a lot in personality, but I don't think they're as willing to give up a little in looks to gain a LITTLE in personality. But personality TYPE is also important; it's not just a good personality/bad personality duality. Men are more affected by physical looks than women, on the whole. The thing though is that many attractive men seem to prefer the girl next door type to the more striking types, for a long term relationship. From what I observe (ie, I'm not stating this as a truth) many men like a simple type of pretty, with a slim body, a woman that's down to earth and not too complicated. Women seem more likely to be attracted to unusualness in personality and looks. For men, that's simply not something they seem to value. No value judgment here; I can certainly see the appeal of the girl next door, I'm just too weird in looks and personality to be that.
You'reasian Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Okay, well, maybe I need Plastic Surgery because who I like doesn't like me back. And those who like me, I don't like. This is the real issue. Why does this happen?
MeaganRaye Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 This is the real issue. Why does this happen? I'm trying to figure this out. Anytime I really like a guy, 9 times out of 10, he doesn't like me enough to want to date me. I usually don't even bother anymore. Some say just settle for the ones who like me
carhill Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Okay, well, maybe I need Plastic Surgery because who I like doesn't like me back. And those who like me, I don't like. Maybe I should get some breast implants and a few other things to increase my chances of finding an equal attraction Or date more men
You'reasian Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'm trying to figure this out. Anytime I really like a guy, 9 times out of 10, he doesn't like me enough to want to date me. I usually don't even bother anymore. Some say just settle for the ones who like me Figure out what makes you hot and develop that.
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