Family/ in-law Resentment

[laRubiaBonita]

I don’t even know where to start……and this will probably jump into and out of topics.....

 

my in-laws, god love ‘em, but they are different. Hubby is the oldest of the 3 boys, (33, 30, 27).

The parents are stuck in a home with an inflating mortgage that they cannot afford- yet the property will not sell for what they need to break at least somewhat even. Hubby(and I) lend them money for the mortgage, they just had to get the AC repaired- we paid for that, we are financing many of the improvements needed in their place to *hopefully* get it to sell….. once sold they will pay us back. I do not mind helping his parents out financially- I know if they could they would do the same for us if need be.

 

Hubby and I have been married a year in sept., the other 2 boys both just married (one in march and the other just last week).

The youngest brother and his new wife live with my sister in the apt. i used to share with her. The brother has not been employed for months- was getting unemployment, but I think it has expired…. Supposedly he is on a waitlist at a temp agency. As far as I know he has not gone on any interviews or really attempted to get a job. He sits around the apt. all day, not cleaning, not doing anything….. or he goes over to the parents place- where his mom still does his laundry, cooks him lunch and dinner… basically coddles him.

The middle brother and his wife also seem to hang out at the parents place a few times a week and have dinner etc….

 

Well my hubs will be in FLA for business and is going to see his gparents while he is there, so he invited his dad to came as well… his dad gets all antsy cause he can’t afford a ticket- H said it would be a fathers day gift, plus he has airline credits- so it would really be a free ticket. Well his dad wasn’t sure, plus he knows he will be needing to borrow another 3k, at least from us this year… also tells us that the youngest bro’s health insurance is due- so dad needs money to pay that!

 

Apparently his mother feels no one cares about her…. She did not even get a card on mothers day and his dad gets a plane ticket to see his father….

 

My sister and the younger bro just got into a big fight over the weekend, and she basically told him if he’s not happy then he should leave….. I worry about that- honestly I did not think he would be the best roommate and I told her, but being a nice person she said she was going to let him have first dibs. When he moved- Hubby and I moved pretty much all his stuff to the place while he basically stood there and watched and complained that we might drop something- do you know how hard it was to move his big ass TV? And he is a 27 y.o. boy barely lifting a finger. Then the fiancé moved in. OH- and my sister threw her a wedding shower, but when they got married last week (at the court house) she was not even invited to the reception that was taking place at their apartment afterwards!!! WTF! Hubby heard the dad ask younger bro where my sis was and lil’bro started to say it was just a family thing- until he realized half the people that were there were not family, but just friends.

 

Oy Vey!

 

My problem is this- I do not mind a bit supporting my mother and father in-law, but I am pissed that in reality we are feeding the entire family, and paying for his loaf younger brother health insurance- and we get poo pooed on for not spending time with the family or his mother.

It is not intentional, H and I are busy with work, I have a PT job in addition to my FT job, and we are updating our home too. As it is, we do not see each other enough. H thinks his mother may feel like we are snubbing her- she thinks we spend all this time with my family… my family thinks we spend all our time with his family.

 

I like the wives of my bro-in-laws, but I am not so sure about the wife of the youngest bro, the one who just got married. Both girls are good friends, both were on student visas that were expiring (coincidence?), the middle bro’s wife set the other two up- like she is trying to marry off all her non-citizen friends……

I feel bad for thinking this too.

 

I just do not know…. I really don’t like hanging out at the parents house.. the two bro’s lay in the parents bedroom and watch TV, usually I do not even know they are there until they come in to fix food to take back in front of the TV, then if the wives are there- they speak in Portuguese practically the whole time.

 

I guess this is just a rant- a confession of why I do not wish to go have dinner with the in-laws.. not because I do not love them- I do, I just feel a little resentment to the fact that all we get is grief.

[2sure]

My H is the oldest of his siblings and I had problems very similar to yours the first couple of years we were married.

 

Its been 4 years now, and the problems are still pretty much the same but my take on them, and my feelings have changed. Or at least, softened quite a bit. While the issues still come up, I dont get as upset by them, dont harbor any bad feelings about my in laws because, well, they are my family now. Not a separate entity I fell into.

 

Its growing pains. Trust me. In a year or two, you wont be saying what can I do about my in laws. You will be wondering what you can do about your family and that makes a difference.

 

lol. Still - We put my MIL on our family plan for our cell phone. It was so much cheaper to just add her than have her pay for her own right? A nice thing to do for her, we told her cost us almost nothing. I gave her the account # and password so she could go on line and get a new phone, change her options, check her calls, etc.

A few months later I get this HUGE bill. She had signed up, purchased service and phones for my SIL, BIL, and her sister...to our plan. It just makes so much more sense, savings wise right?? Now, if we drop them there are service charges and we look cheap plus dont have the ambition to go around every month asking them for "phone bill" money. Well, I did it anyway and the BIL and SIL said :Oh, never mind then just drop it.

??? We have to eat the service fees.

 

They just expect, just assume that my H and I are HAPPY to foot the bill because I guess, he is the oldest. I should mention that SIL & BIL earn the same as we do.

 

Still, I love them and at least after all this time, I wasnt surprised. Cant pick your family.

[laRubiaBonita]

thanks 2sure.....

 

i really do not have bad feelings towards them- i do love them, more how they choose to live their lives..... i sound like such a egotist when i say that.

 

but the parents could fare better, IMO, if the younger bro and his wife moved in with them and instead of paying rent, help by paying towards their mortgage- it makes sense to me seeing as how he is over there half the time and getting his clothes washed and folded by mom.

 

the money stuff doesn't bother me too much- i do think his brothers feel resentful, esp. the younger, because H makes good money- sometimes i feel like younger bro is jealous of this.

the middle bro is the most laid back.... he seems to have his crap together.

 

i am upset for footing the bill on the health insurance of a stupid lazy seeming boy who causes MY sister grief.

[Ronni_W]

but the parents could fare better, IMO, if the younger bro and his wife moved in with them and instead of paying rent, help by paying towards their mortgage

OMG, that is such an excellent solution!!!

If it has not yet been discussed, you and hubby ought to put your heads together and brainstorm the best, most positive way that HE can make the suggestion to HIS family

 

I totally get your frustration, btw -- it's so bloody tough to not let that build up into huge reserves of resentment.

Maybe a little more honesty and directness on your part, to both your families? Something like, "To be honest, you guys...I love you all to bits but I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and exhausted by things these days. It's not a reflection of my feelings for you, and I am doing what I can to learn to cope with it better. Thanks ever so much for your continued patience and support as I figure-out my crap."

[laRubiaBonita]

good thoughts Ronni_W..... i have suggested t o hubby that younger bro move in withe mom and dad, but it didn't really fly- he asked if i would want to move back with my parents if it were me, of course not- most people wouldn't but if it helped my parents keep their home- yes i would.

 

i was talking with sister last night- apparently younger bro has a good amount of money in savings .... so why are we paying his health insurance?

 

i am going to tell this to hubby..... when younger bro bought the wedding ring, and his digital camcorder thingy recently hubby wondered where he got the money for these things... guess we know now.

[Ronni_W]

i have suggested t o hubby that younger bro move in withe mom and dad, but it didn't really fly- he asked if i would want to move back with my parents

Hubby's perspective needs a little tweaking. (Oh, okay...a LOT of tweaking .)

If brother doesn't WANT to move in with his parents, then BROTHER needs to figure out some other solution that he would prefer for himself. I get that hubby is feeling responsible for the rest of them, but it's coming from faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions and, most importantly, he is forgetting that his responsibility and commitment are now to his wife/marriage.

 

Good luck -- it is a tough situation...too many people to keep EVERYBODY happy. But Hubby needs to put your and his happiness and well-being ahead of EVERYONE else's. In the meantime, have you considered stress management counseling for yourself?

[laRubiaBonita]

In the meantime, have you considered stress management counseling for yourself?

 

funny you should mention this.... i am the cool-as-a-cucumber side of the marriage, my husband on the flipside has recently been getting panic attacks- first time ever.

apparently anxiety related episodes, such as panic attacks, do run in his family.... but he stresses waaaaayy to much about work, doing house re-no's, his parents...... he seems to take on all these stressors...

i feel bad for him-

[Mary3]

This is regarding the brother ( in law ) who lost his job. We can assume he was laid off since he receives ( or did ) Unemployment ...

 

I was laid off and I can tell you its very draining on the mind and the soul ( I did get my job back when they realized they laid too many off ) But...

 

Depression is common . Do you know if he * ever * looked for work after the LO ? Did you know millions have been laid off and you can't even find fast food jobs as of late ?. They say to volunteer while you look for work so you feel productive and helping others.

 

As for the family. It seems everyone has their hand out here . ( Whether justified or not )

 

Can you say " * no * John and I are tapped out and no longer are taking requests to pay your bills..

[hotgurl]

I agree with Mary can you say no. I mean they could end up bleeding you dry.

 

You and your husband could decide how much you are willing to give his parents a year and give just that much and no more.

 

Plus they need to figure out a better solution than "borrowing" money from you.

 

In this market and economy the house probably won't move fast and it won't get as much money as it could have two years ago.

 

So they need to be realistic about this. Honestly it does seem like the best idea to have little bro move in a help with the mortgage yes it sucks but it is tough times now.

 

Does the middle brother contribute at all?

 

as far as dinner etc. is concerned be honest say I work 1 full time job and a prat time job and we are remodeling the house. we are stressed and time crunch and not visiting is not a reflection on our feeling but on our time constrainsts.

 

Do they understand how much you guys are working to support them?

[laRubiaBonita]

H and i talked last night... i mentioned the fact that i knew from my sister that the bro had a good amount of money in savings....

 

H and his father are going to visit his grandparents this weekend- so he was going to speak with his father about things.

 

actually H and i may consider buying their property.... since we are already investing money into the property..... so well see how his talks go with his dad.

[hotgurl]

H and i talked last night... i mentioned the fact that i knew from my sister that the bro had a good amount of money in savings....

 

H and his father are going to visit his grandparents this weekend- so he was going to speak with his father about things.

 

actually H and i may consider buying their property.... since we are already investing money into the property..... so well see how his talks go with his dad.

 

would you than rent it too them? Or just move into it yourselves?

[laRubiaBonita]

we would keep our home, and continue to live there.....i thought it would be better to rent it to them- since we would know we could trust his parents....

 

i cannot see how his folks would be able to move elsewhere.

 

but the thing is his father is wanting to sell for at the least 400K, which i would NOT pay in a million years.... he needs that to break even and hopefully have money to pay us back.

 

i think it makes more sense to rent to them, at a reduced rent if need be.... until they either want and can afford to move- or when ever.

 

honestly, i do not think his parents would go for that- but it's just another suggestion.