drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 ORIGINALLY POSTED IN SECOND CHANCES...COULD BE RELEVANT FOR THOSE COPING TOO... Does anyone else have these crazy ideas of trying to charm your way into a second chance, or at least laying down some foundations from your side of the bridge for future reconcilation? Or do you really have to just wait until there is positive sign? Do you slowly re-build a friendship, on terms of when they contact you so that you don't do anything else to ruin any future opportunity or simply lay all your cards on the table and take the risk (the rewards for this I guess swing to the extreme both ways - it works, or it doesn't)? My mind is fried today. I'm not dealing with my break-up at all, and its 3 months now. I love my ex with every bone in my body. My heart is telling me to do something and is refusing to let go, despite the situation. I mean, if you love someone with all your soul, shouldn't I be pulling out all the stops to win her back? I know most people on here are less positive when it comes to making extraordinary efforts, especially when ZERO effort is coming from the other end, but it usually is going to be ZERO effort coming from the other end.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Duplicare posting is discouraged. Read the guidelines....
TheBigCow Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Sorry If I shouldn't be posting in a duplicate thread, but this is the only part of the forum I read. I mean, if you love someone with all your soul, shouldn't I be pulling out all the stops to win her back? Love might mean different things to you.. but to me one core component of my love has always been 'unconditional devotion to their happiness'. Of course this can't control every action in your life or stop every argument (never arguing is not happiness in the long run IMO) but if you ever get to a critical point where you can really evaluate your options this is important. So - Your ex decided to leave you, has found someone else and is presumably happy. If you 'pull out all the stops' you'll just be making the situation difficult and awkward for her. In fact its likely she still cares a lot for you on some levels so she would probably feel bad having to reject you again (assuming she does). Of course.. there is the possibility that in the long run your ex is better off with you. And none of us can know for sure.. but I think your ex probably has the best chance of getting that right. Please don't get me wrong prince.. I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from.. and I think at your point in process (maybe a month earlier) I did fight, against the suggestions of NC. And to be honest I don't regret it, I followed my heart and did what I really thought was the best thing to do at the time. But now looking back and looking at my current options.. I now believe that if I really want to be happy with my actions I have to act as selflessly as possible, and that means letting her move on. I feel your pain.
Author drummerprince81 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks BC - and I didn't know you can't post duplicate threads...my bad. We share many of the same viewpoints it seems. My love for her was on another plane. I put her happiness before mine, and I know that was probably foolish but I was very rarely selfish. And one minute she idolises me, the next she doesn't! My ex will always be in my heart and I told her that in my last email I sent her, that I only want her to be happy and I wish her all the best. But I don't want to upset her by doing something crazy. I guess if she ever wants to talk I can't enforce that and I'll have to wait for the day. I hope there is one.
TheBigCow Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I was very rarely selfish Me either. I also gave up a lot for my ex - gave up my hopes for studying engineering, gave up scholarships to travel overseas, moved in with friends of hers I didn't like (we lived in a flat for a year) ect. put her happiness before mine, and I know that was probably foolish Foolish? It depends what you mean. Would I change my choices in hindsight, yes.. do I regret my choice, no. There are different kinds of relationships and different people like different types.. but for me a relationship is everything or nothing. If I'm not willing to put myself out there and take risks, make sacrifices, put them first.. then its not worth it. Having said that, when the sacrifices are not made in return.. one should re-evaluate where they are at.. as everyone says, its give and take. My ex will always be in my heart You're right... but don't you think its likely you'll always be in hers as well? I'll have to wait for the day. I hope there is one. This is something you need to figure out how to do yourself and in your own time, but you need to stop waiting, let go of that hope. She may want to talk about 'us' again (assuming this is what you mean, of course some day she'll be happy casually catch up with you), she may not ... as you seem to realize, if you try and control this, if and when it does happen it will be a disaster. I feel your pain (I feel like you every second day, tomorrow I'll probably be starting the same thread ), but hope is always dangerous. If we get what we hope for, we are content.. if we don't we are sad. On the other hand if we just accept things as they are.. if we get nothing, we are content, if we get something we are happy. I know it sounds abstract and is hard to swallow when real emotions are involved, but you know it is true.
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