Can it ever be the same again.

[LukeC]

I'll start off with a little introduction, i’m an 18 year old guy that’s just left sixth form, hoping to start University in September.

 

I've never posted a 'thread before' but being a guy relationship advice is not really something you talk to other guys about, and not many of my friends have been in a relationship quite like mine.

 

Up until last week i’d been dating a girl I met in education for almost three years. When we first met indeed we were both 15 but i'll never forget our first kiss it was just one of those magical moments where and I knew i'd met someone special. I'm trying hard not to sound corny here but at the same time write about how i feel, basically it hasn't been plain sailing over the last year.

 

About 6 months ago at a very drunken house party with a lot of peer pressure I ended up cheating on my long term girlfriend going to second base with a stranger, it was five minutes in a toilet but undoubtedly the worst five minutes of my entire life. I know hands down that had I of been sober this would not of happened but i'm not looking for excuses I had let the only girl I Loved and wanted to be with down and I felt completely worthless. I knew I wasn't perfect but didn't believe I could ever have done something like that. The next morning I called her and asked to meet up, we went for a walk and I explained what had happened the night before. I knew 100% I didn't deserve her at all and could see how distraught she was. She did tell me though that she didn't want everything to be lost from a stupid mistake and I couldn't have been happier although I knew I didn't deserve this second chance.

 

That was 6 months ago and today is the 8th of June. I received a call from her last week asking if we could meet up and go for a walk and so we did and from the tone of her voice I sensed whatever she was going to tell me it was not good. She explained how she had cheated on me twice, once a year ago and that was kissing a guy out in town, but again 2 weeks after my incident and that time it was second base at her friend’s house party.

 

I am feeling the hurt that she obviously felt 6 months ago and by no means am I looking for sympathy I got what i deserved! I am just not sure what to do. I am tied up on the fact that she took so long to confess to me, the reason being that I really thought I knew her so well! Inside out almost.

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If she had told me the day after she made the mistake I could of forgiven her its the fact that she kept if to herself and close friends and everything seemed normal how could I have not sensed something was wrong!?!? I just think that if it happened again she’d never tell me, the trust sadly is gone and can it ever be rebuilt?

 

Any advice would be appreciated, it would be particularly nice to hear the advice of a female who maby can relate to why the incident was kept a secret for 6 months?

 

Thank you so much for your time!

 

Luke

[huck]

Hi Luke.

 

Sorry mate - im not female but ill give my honest opinion anyway !!.

 

Its not gonna be the same again im afraid.. You've both cheated on each other and the trust isnt going to be there again..

 

If you want to give it a try and both forgive each other then thats cool but if I was you id move on..

 

Your only 18 (not patronisning there) - go out and enjoy yourself. Just learn from the mistakes you both made..

 

All the best - Huck....

[Dexter Morgan]

About 6 months ago at a very drunken house party with a lot of peer pressure I ended up cheating on my long term girlfriend going to second base with a stranger, it was five minutes in a toilet but undoubtedly the worst five minutes of my entire life.

 

Ya, thats exactly why you did it in the first place:rolleyes:

 

 

I know hands down that had I of been sober this would not of happened

 

you are probably right, but drinking brings the inhibitions down and allows you to do things you simply don't have the guts to do while sober, but you would have really wanted to in the first place.

 

 

but i'm not looking for excuses I had let the only girl I Loved and wanted to be with down and I felt completely worthless. I knew I wasn't perfect but didn't believe I could ever have done something like that. The next morning I called her and asked to meet up, we went for a walk and I explained what had happened the night before. I knew 100% I didn't deserve her at all and could see how distraught she was. She did tell me though that she didn't want everything to be lost from a stupid mistake and I couldn't have been happier although I knew I didn't deserve this second chance.

 

at least you had the cahones to come clean. I'll give you kudos for that.

 

 

That was 6 months ago and today is the 8th of June. I received a call from her last week asking if we could meet up and go for a walk and so we did and from the tone of her voice I sensed whatever she was going to tell me it was not good. She explained how she had cheated on me twice, once a year ago and that was kissing a guy out in town, but again 2 weeks after my incident and that time it was second base at her friend’s house party.

 

I am feeling the hurt that she obviously felt 6 months ago and by no means am I looking for sympathy I got what i deserved!

 

well then actually I'd say she got what she deserved since she was a cheater all along. But 2 wrongs don't make a right.

 

actually, it would be her getting a 2nd chance if you 2 hooked up.

 

 

I am just not sure what to do. I am tied up on the fact that she took so long to confess to me, the reason being that I really thought I knew her so well! Inside out almost.

 

well obviously you don't know her which already answers the question for you..."Can it ever be the same again"......that would be a resounding NO.

 

 

 

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If she had told me the day after she made the mistake I could of forgiven her its the fact that she kept if to herself and close friends and everything seemed normal how could I have not sensed something was wrong!?!? I just think that if it happened again she’d never tell me, the trust sadly is gone and can it ever be rebuilt?

 

Any advice would be appreciated, it would be particularly nice to hear the advice of a female who maby can relate to why the incident was kept a secret for 6 months?

 

Thank you so much for your time!

 

Luke

 

How about you move on? You obviously had no respect for her to cheat, and she was cheating on you all along and had no respect for you.

 

Move on and let the both of you be someone elses problem besides each other........or something like that.

[LukeC]

Firstly thankyou Huck and Dexter for reading my heart boken ramble!

 

In response to you both,

 

Do you think its possible for people to change because I belive that I have, its made me open my eyes to reality more and I know i wont do it again i've learnt from my mistake. I want so badly to try and rebuild what we had and I know she wants that too, but can anyone tell me from experience if that could work out? We were both 17 and immature, but you both seem to think that things can't be corrected. I know that she trusts me, and i think i might trust her i just don't want to admit it to myself.

 

Do i need to get some balls, to stop letting the emotions get to me about what could happen in the future and whats happened in the past and give this a chance.

 

I have read things about NC, would that work in this case? I'm affraid that if we stop contacting each other she'll drop her pants at the first guy who chats to her and go off with him and i can't bare that i want to have more respect for her but its hard and maby thats why this can't work? Or on the other hand would non contact be good for healing?

 

Maby a little info on NC and how it could work in this situation would be nice!

 

Thanks so much !

 

Luke :]

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm affraid that if we stop contacting each other she'll drop her pants at the first guy who chats to her and go off with him

Well, that's very telling. You're staying in contact to keep her in line. For her, out of sight is out of mind and she'd have no second thoughts about hooking up with some other guy. Yuck. I was married to a chronic cheater. If you can do something like that without feeling guilt, it will always seem like not such a big deal to do it again. IMO, somebody that could hold something like that a secret for so long and not be absolutely TORN UP with guilt would be enough for me to call it quits. Not to mention that...oh, she just has so much GRACE to forgive you, but not only does she not take that moment to confess her own sins, she takes the opportunity to one-up you on the next go-round and cheats on you AGAIN two weeks later. Sounds like a powerplay to me. She had one over on you by cheating on you a year ago - you evened the score (without realizing it) by cheating on her. So she just had to get a leg back up by cheating AGAIN. And this was a VERY short period after you cheated on her and she "knew the pain" of being cheated on. Please. When I first found out my XH cheated on me, the last thing on my mind was looking to inflict the same pain on him. She has no consideration for your feelings.

 

And to be "17 and immature" is not much different from "18 and immature," I'm afraid. You may feel like you've grown a lot in one year, but really, not a whole lot has changed. I could understand if you had like 5 more years under your belt of no cheating on either part. But having cheated 6 months ago...that is not so long ago.

 

If you're worried about going NC and her dropping her drawers for a new guy, then I sure hope you guys are staying in the same town for University. Because she's going to be meeting guys left and right that are anxious to get in her pants. Seeing as how she doesn't feel regret when she cheats, and you obviously don't trust her (because you feel you have to keep in contact with her to keep her from cheating) - I think this is just another "oops" waiting to happen.

[lovelorcet]

I think you are both too young and inexperienced for a serious relationship. Both of your behaviors show this.

 

Break up... move on... and get some more experience under your belt...

[Dexter Morgan]

Firstly thankyou Huck and Dexter for reading my heart boken ramble!

 

In response to you both,

 

Do you think its possible for people to change because I belive that I have

 

not really. Oh I think you can change, but I don't think once someone has proven that cheating is in you, I think you can change, but if the perfect opportunity ever arose where you think you'd never get caught and you thought it was a once in a lifetime lay, then you'd dive in.

 

But if you could truly change, sure....you just move on and learn your lesson with the next woman and vow not to f##k it up....and also don't be such a blind trusting fool to not see if a future gf is cheating on you.

 

trust, just not blindly

 

 

its made me open my eyes to reality more and I know i wont do it again i've learnt from my mistake.

 

you can't say you know you wont do it again, because didn't you think you wouldn't do it in the first place? and you blame it on alcohol.

 

so if what you say is true, you prepared to never drink again? Because by your logic, it was the alcohol....not you. Therefore if you are in a committed relationship, then no more drinking bud.

 

 

I want so badly to try and rebuild what we had and I know she wants that too, but can anyone tell me from experience if that could work out?

 

no. You both will always be reminded of what you did. You really think you aren't going to think of her spreading her legs for another guy from time to time and it won't eat you up? You really think she won't think about you being up to your balls in another girl from time to time?

 

Whats the point in staying with someone where you have those kinds of thought pop in your head. I'm not saying the visions would rule either of you on a daily basis...but they will come back to haunt from time to time.

 

 

We were both 17 and immature, but you both seem to think that things can't be corrected.

 

If I total a car and want it fixed....it can be fixed. But it will never run the same and won't look quite as good as before the wreck.

 

 

I know that she trusts me, and i think i might trust her i just don't want to admit it to myself.

 

she trusts you? you cheated and she trusts you? She must have a funny concept of trust.

 

and you think you might trust her again? just remember, the thighs came apart for another guy. so if you can live with that, go ahead.

 

But you are both young...why tie yourself down to each other when neither of you can be faithful. Why not learn a lesson and start fresh with someone new? Because if you can cheat this early in the relationship...just wait if you get married and the 7 year itch sets in.

 

Do i need to get some balls, to stop letting the emotions get to me about what could happen in the future and whats happened in the past and give this a chance.

 

do whatever you want...just don't come back here and say we didn't warn you.

 

 

I have read things about NC, would that work in this case? I'm affraid that if we stop contacting each other she'll drop her pants at the first guy who chats to her

 

if thats the way you really see her, and I don't blame you for seeing her that way, then why the hell would you want her?

 

It must be about looks and she sucks a really mean d!ck or something.

must be something other than personality for you to want to settle for being with a cheater, and her so on the other end.

 

 

and go off with him and i can't bare that i want to have more respect for her but its hard and maby thats why this can't work? Or on the other hand would non contact be good for healing?

 

NC is definitely good for healing...but not intended for reconciliation.

 

Now what else is good for healing? going out and finding someone decent and vowing to not screw her over too.

[LukeC]

Again thankyou!

 

But what do you suggest i do to keep sane in the mean time, that lovely description of her spreading her thighs for another guy made me want to curl up in a ball and cry!

 

I'm willing to accept the right thing to do is move on. And i've let her know that, she asks if we could still be friends, thats when i told her i thought it best if we didn't talk for a few months, and maby i've been darastic but i've removed her as a friend from Facebook because i can't help checking her profile every half hour.

 

I'm allways quick to give in but i know i can't give in this time. I just really don't know how i'll stay sane!!

 

What are your thoughts on my theory that if she really does still Love and care about me she'll not give up contacting and telling me how she feels for the 2 months even though i wont reply?

 

Luke

[Dexter Morgan]

Again thankyou!

 

But what do you suggest i do to keep sane in the mean time, that lovely description of her spreading her thighs for another guy made me want to curl up in a ball and cry!

 

it shouldn't make you cry, it should make you mad as hell, and realize she isn't worth a squirt of p!ss.

 

it should make you want to move on and find someone that won't do that to you.

 

What did I do to stop from going crazy? I finally realized, my xW isn't someone I want. I don't want someone I can't trust, I don't want someone that went outside our relationship. She can be someone elses problem.

 

That is the way you need to look at it. But there must be something...it must be about looks, or she doesn't something good sexually....cuz her character sucks s##t.

 

 

I'm willing to accept the right thing to do is move on. And i've let her know that, she asks if we could still be friends

 

nope....you can't be friends with someone you screwed and had such huge feelings for at one point....why?...because that would be disrespectful to anyone you find yourself with in the future.

 

Would you want a gf that boffed another guy and was hung up on him, whether at one point or in the present, to be friends with him?

 

 

I'm allways quick to give in but i know i can't give in this time. I just really don't know how i'll stay sane!!

 

you realize she is a cheater, and you realize EXACTLY what she did with other guys while with you...yes...the spreading the legs thing. You need to think of it on those terms because THATS WHAT HAPPENED.

 

 

What are your thoughts on my theory that if she really does still Love and care about me she'll not give up contacting and telling me how she feels for the 2 months even though i wont reply?

 

It doesn't matter, cuz if she really love and cared about you, she wouldn't have f####d other guys.

 

and you wouldn't have cheated on her if you felt the same. I think you are in lust, not love. You are in love with her for some other reason OTHER than her character....cuz again, her character is for s##t.

[LukeC]

Right now i know i lust and Love her, she didn't f*** other guys either theres a big difference between that and letting another drunk guy finger her whilst drunk, surely..

 

And yes there is something... but its not the fact that i lost my verginity to her, maby its the fact that I have spent ohh so much time with her other the past three years, we'd have sex at least twice a week and alot of the time it was really great sex.

 

Now all of a sudden, earlier today I put a stop to that going NC. She was never 'fit' on a day to day basis in the eyes of my friends and her fashion sence was crap and i did get questioned as to why i was with her once or twice.

 

She had some pretty unnatractive moles, her arms were hairy and she had pretty bed celulite on her bum not to mension she couldn't suck a cock after 3 years to save her bloody life! But I really really really really couldn't give a **** about any of that whatsoever not one little tiny bit!

 

I Loved her because she was my baby girl. Just the smell of her forhead drives me wild. I think i'm going to contridict myself here but when she dressed up nice with makeup and everything which she used to do if i came round she could look very pretty.

 

If anything being with a less attractice girl naturally (without makeup) probably made me feel happier, giving me a false sence of security that she'd be happy for life.

 

You say that her character is s***, but you don't know this girl and what i'm feeling is the first time she cheated it was merely a kiss she was 16, so let it go!! The time she cheated on me sexually was 2 weeks after i'd cheater on her sexually!!!!!! RING RING RING Hello! Surely she did it to get even (UNDERSTANDABLE is it not or is it? I don't feel like getting with anyone else right now..)

 

I know i've just started NC today, but i want to do nothing more than call her!

 

I am sorry i do ramble!....and i don't expect anyone to reply to this I just feel better writing my feelings out than keeping them locked up inside.

[Dexter Morgan]

Right now i know i lust and Love her, she didn't f*** other guys either theres a big difference between that and letting another drunk guy finger her whilst drunk, surely..

 

you sure she didn't? if she didn't, and you believe she didn't, then what part of the "spread" comment almost made you cry?

 

and let me guess, you know she didn't f##k the other guy because she told you that...right?

 

 

And yes there is something... but its not the fact that i lost my verginity to her, maby its the fact that I have spent ohh so much time with her other the past three years, we'd have sex at least twice a week and alot of the time it was really great sex.

 

well thats whats important isn't it...ok, I withdraw my earlier advice....do everything you can to keep her. she's a peach!

 

 

Now all of a sudden, earlier today I put a stop to that going NC. She was never 'fit' on a day to day basis in the eyes of my friends

 

your friends are wise beyond their years.

 

 

She had some pretty unnatractive moles, her arms were hairy and she had pretty bed celulite on her bum not to mension she couldn't suck a cock after 3 years to save her bloody life! But I really really really really couldn't give a **** about any of that whatsoever not one little tiny bit!

 

well so far you aint giving us much reason to indicate that she is a keeper

 

so far all you have to think the way you do is time spent and great sex....thats not a relationship.

 

 

I Loved her because she was my baby girl. Just the smell of her forhead drives me wild. I think i'm going to contridict myself here but when she dressed up nice with makeup and everything which she used to do if i came round she could look very pretty.

 

If anything being with a less attractice girl naturally (without makeup) probably made me feel happier, giving me a false sence of security that she'd be happy for life.

 

why?? because a less attractive girl should be pleased as punch to even have someone in her life?

 

 

You say that her character is s***, but you don't know this girl

 

I know all I need to know by what you described as her cheating more than once....let alone cheating at all.

 

 

ime she cheated on me sexually was 2 weeks after i'd cheater on her sexually!!!!!! RING RING RING Hello! Surely she did it to get even

 

ya..she did it to get even...even though she cheated already. So if her rationale is she was getting even, its now 2 to 1. Thats how stupid "getting even" is.

[LukeC]

sure she didn't? if she didn't, and you believe she didn't, then what part of the "spread" comment almost made you cry?

 

and let me guess, you know she didn't f##k the other guy because she told you that...right?

 

She told me that and of course i wasn't quick to belive or trust her, but a mutral friend also told me the same, and Yesterday i had an to urge to facebook that guy just to see his face. And yes he's good looking and more attractive than me... brilliant. But he has no reason to lie does he? So i sent him a short message asking for 'his side of the story and if that was all that happened'.

 

Maby i'm being pathetic. But I can't sleep hence why i'm writing this at 4:53 am I can't think about anything else and I have two A lvl physics exams which I am completely unprepared for at 9am. I'm in such a mess and it's probably going to affect my Uni place but ultimately thats my own fault and well i think i'm suffering the combined sence of failure and let down all at once.

 

I guess i posted in the second chance section for a reason, just a spark of hope...

 

After how long does NC become bareable?

[Dexter Morgan]

sure she didn't? if she didn't, and you believe she didn't, then what part of the "spread" comment almost made you cry?

 

and let me guess, you know she didn't f##k the other guy because she told you that...right?

 

She told me that and of course i wasn't quick to belive or trust her, but a mutral friend also told me the same, and Yesterday i had an to urge to facebook that guy just to see his face. And yes he's good looking and more attractive than me... brilliant. But he has no reason to lie does he?

 

of course he does...to protect her, and that way he can justify it to other people that it wasn't really cheating:rolleyes:. cuz some people think that as long as you didn't have sex, then it wasn't that bad of a thing.

 

 

I guess i posted in the second chance section for a reason, just a spark of hope...

 

hope of what? She is a repeat cheater, you haven't given us anything to indicate she is worth 2 squirts of piss to keep, other than the sex is good.

 

the only "hope" you have is salvaging a relationship with an untrustworthy person.

 

After how long does NC become bareable?

 

when you start dating around, finding out that there are better women out there...and focus on yourself...hit the gym, get a group of guy friends and head to Vegas.

[LukeC]

Dexter you are simply human marmite! Somethings you say i hate and others i go yes granted.

 

I have however taken your advice to some extent! I went non contact yesterday as you know in the hope that my emotions will settle down and already i do feel a great deal better!

 

At 6 pm today i recived a FaceBook email (as i've now deleted her from my contact list if i'm going NC I have to do it properly!). The email asked how my exams had gone and if it was any conselation her had gone badly. There is a huge empty hole now, its unbearable at least we were talking before, I don't even know if you will reply to this, you have done pretty much all you can to cut contact with me... x x x x

 

I stuck to my guns and didn't reply as quilty as i felt its for the best yeah? I need to show her that i can live without her, make her chase me maby. If i'm that important to her she will realise it will she not.

 

Anyway i recived another message this time a text:

 

'When can i pick up my bike and stuff? Tomorrow?

 

I didn't reply

 

a few minutes later another message:

 

I just replied to :confused:his:confused: facebook thing by writing on my status, 'but what is love without lust?' He was obsessed with that. x x x x x

 

followed quickly by this message:

 

Haha sorry im just having a joke around with someone, so when can i get my stuff back then? You have clearly moved on so I want you to let me do the same.

 

Did she just do that to try and wind me up or do you think she did mean to send it to sombody else? How immature is that if she did meant to do it i don't know what do you think ...?

 

Any suggestions regarding the bike situation? Do i break NC and say something sharp like 2 or 4pm tomorrow, i'd feel i where pushing her away saying that... I don't want to push her away.. but then i find on a mutral friends FaceBook page she writes about how in 6 days when sixth form is over shes going to get pissed every night in Leeds! I just think dam pathetic woman, (Thats something you'd say dexter oh wait i forgot to add shes not worth a squirt of piss ! aha :]) I just don't want to push her away for good and is NC going to do that..?

 

I've cheered up enormously now anyway and i'll tell you want helped.. speaking to the guy she got with.. he seemed very genuine and no different to me. He's an 18 year old lad who goes to house partys for a reason, at 18 we all go for the same reason. But he told me how he felt like such a dickhead and didn't mind me knowing everything saying its better if I know and feel better, and he feels a bit better that he's been able to help in anyway I could really relate myself to this kind of guy here, if i were single and saw a good looking girl who was up for it at a party and she gave off no signs that she had a boyfriend then well i don't need to continue do I!

 

He thought nothing more of it 'just a 1 night fling' and told me it didn't go all the way. Then he wished me a good summer and left me with some advice: Don't chase a girl too much, if you that important to them they will realise it, especially if they see you just getting on with your life as normal.

 

I want even Dexter to admit here that he thinks this guy it being honest like i asked of him from the start!

 

Thanks in advance, now to sleep ! :]

[Dexter Morgan]

Any suggestions regarding the bike situation?

 

yes, have her bike and stuff out and ready for her at a certain time, reply to her and tell her when it will be waiting for her, and you be somewhere else when she is to pick them up.

 

 

I've cheered up enormously now anyway and i'll tell you want helped.. speaking to the guy she got with.. he seemed very genuine and no different to me. He's an 18 year old lad who goes to house partys for a reason, at 18 we all go for the same reason. But he told me how he felt like such a dickhead and didn't mind me knowing everything saying its better if I know and feel better, and he feels a bit better that he's been able to help in anyway I could really relate myself to this kind of guy here, if i were single and saw a good looking girl who was up for it at a party and she gave off no signs that she had a boyfriend then well i don't need to continue do I!

 

yup, she gave off no signs that she had a boyfriend...won't be the last time, I guarantee.

 

 

 

He thought nothing more of it 'just a 1 night fling' and told me it didn't go all the way.

 

Whats he gonna say? "dude, I totally f####d your girlfriend" ??

 

 

I want even Dexter to admit here that he thinks this guy it being honest like i asked of him from the start!

 

nope, sorry, you just don't know. He probably really doesn't want to tell you if he did stick it in her.

 

Nothing to admit...you just don't know...one way or the other. He may have done your gf, he may have not. I understand where you are coming from in that you can relate to this guy, cuz afterall..its not his fault your gf let him think she wasn't committed to you.

 

And either way, she cheated...period.

 

And you said something about not pushing her away for good. Again, I am telling you from experience you want nothing to do with a repeat cheater.

 

But some people have to learn the hard way.