darksky Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi everyone.. Ive been on strict no contact now with my ex gf for over 2 months. In this 2 month period my ex has been calling and texting maybe about once a week - all of which I have ignored due to going no contact (no contact mainly brought on by the anger of her cheating on me toward the end of our 3 year relationship). However the anger has now subsided alot, i feel alot less angry and alot more reflective and happy within myself.. i thought she would have given up trying to contact me by now (having been ignored for 2 months) but only yesterday she rang me twice. I later found out that she also contacted my best friend asking him to help persuade me to talk to her as she is down about things (probably feeling guilty). I dont really know what she has to say or what she wants, but i assume its just to "make peace" or maybe she genuinly misses me, I doubt that she wants to get back together, even if she did i wouldnt because of the fact she cheated and i could never trust her again, this i am certain about. So a reconciliation is out of the question. The truth is for some strange reason i admire the fact that she has not given up trying to contact me and im starting to look at it slighlty differently now that the anger mist has cleared. The fact that she continues to try to contact me despite being ignored shows me that she does still care about me, or at least thinks about me regularly. So should i answer next time she calls and hear her out? Or should i carry on with the no contact until thoughts of her no longer occupy my mind and she gives up completely? I guess this is one of them situations where no contact has done the trick in helping me get over the ex, but at the same time has made me feel a little bit empty and sad. I dont want to hate her and appear bitter forever, because despite the fact that she cheated on me she is a good person deep down, she is just young and foolish and a bit selfish.. but isnt that just the way us humans are made? She clearly knows that what she did was wrong and I feel that she is now suffering like I did and really i just dont want either of us to be hurting anymore. We all have the ability to be selfish sometimes, i know i can be selfish. Have I gone no contact enough and should i now put her out of her misery and speak to her (even if it is only for her benefit)? Or am i being too soft in the head for my own good? I have a tendancy to get sentimental and always see good rather than bad in people, always have. Has anybody else implemented no-contact to the point that they think it has served its purpose and contact can now be made with a fresh outlook? I guess i just dont like the idea of her not ever knowing that i dont actually hate her anymore, and that is what she pronbably thinks right now. I dont hate her, I dont hate anybody, but does she deserve to know that? Isnt forgiveness the sign of true strength? If i forgive her and let her know ive forgiven her will that bring me more inner peace? Or will that just open a whole new can of worms that I should leave well alone? My only fear is that im not as over her as i think i am and that contacting her may spark off unwanted feelings and in some way undo my no-contact healing. Any advice or thoughts would be great ~Darksky
NopeNah Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 IMO... stay NC! No real reason...except for your own saftey and sanity!! She cheated and doesnt deserve the chance to make up for it! Thats my take! Don"t give her the pleasure of hearing your voice! Tell her to call the other guy(wish i did!)..
TheBigCow Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I can't speak from experience sorry (working towards your position ), but I would advise AT LEAST waiting (and probably not bothering as praying4daylight says). Its easy to go through patches where you think you've over it all.. make sure its not one of those first. Maybe look at some old photos to see if you can handle the memories if you really feel the need. IMO wait it out another week.
LukeC Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I'll start off by saying i'm 18 and have just left college. So you might not want to consider my advice, however i have been in a similar situation. A girlfriend of almost three years cheated on me and didn't tell me untill 6 months later, did your ex tell you straight away? What i am trying to say is could she LIVE WITH HERSELF not telling you about her mistake? Because my girlfriend went for so long without giving me any signs, and thats what killed it for me. Everyone is different but the fact that she has called / kept in contact with you even though you haven't picked up or replied clearly means she still wants you and is a fighter, that i admire more than i can express in words. Good Luck! Luke
hokusai86 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 maybe just give it more time, just in case she gets you into talking and then you let your guard down. or you could try sending her a letter or something. just keep it brief, but don't give her any ideas. it's up to you. but good on you for sticking to NC
Author darksky Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks for all your input everyone.. It seems that the majority of you think that it would be best to keep up the NC at least for a little while longer and see how i feel in a bit more time, which is probably the best thing to do. I sometimes have moments that i feel like im so strong i could just stick to the NC forever, but then i think that it is inevitable that sooner or later it will be broken and communication will probably start up again, and if it does i only hope im strong enough at that time to not really care about what she has to say. TheBigCow suggested I looked through some old photos to see if it sparked a reaction and unfortunately it gave me a weird burning sensation in my gut and I felt sad for a while. Dam.. maybe im not really over her like I thought i was. Also my phone just wrang and it WASNT her.. and for some reason that disappointed me!! Why do I still feel emotional and hold these feelings over someone who doesn't deserve me! I feel mad at myself for thinking about her constantly when i should just hate her. Im using energy on this that i should be using on looking forward and to the future.. I know what i should be doing and thinking but actually doing it and taking my own advice is easier said than done! LukeC thanks for your input, just because you are young doesnt mean you cant offer valuable thoughts... your right too, she does appear to be a fighter, but she is also a cheater, and one doesn't cancel the other out. Ill keep up the NC if it kills me! Thanks Everyone.
CaliGuy Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 She cheated on you. That's should be enough to say no forever. Is she leaving messages admitting how badly she screwed up and that she wants to try again? If no messages, she is fishing because she simply wants to relieve her guilt. She doesn't want you, she wants to feel better about herself. I say stay NC and move on!
Author darksky Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 CaliGuy - thanks for your reply, yes your right, cheating is enough to say no forever.. and I would not take her back, but I would like to hear a "sorry and i messed up bad and it was all my fault not yours". But I guess i know that anyway, I dont need her to tell me that! So really I dont know why im even bothered what the hell she wants, but for some reason I am... i think its this nagging curiousity that plays on my mind about why she keeps calling. And in some ways i think it will be satisfying to know that she wants me back and "I win" because then the tables are turned.. but thats probably just my childish pride and ego taking over! No she is not leaving messages saying "take me back" and "I messed up bad". But that is surely the kind of thing that she would say once communication is made and she then feels more comfortable to say those things.. i guess she wouldnt want to appear like a crazy stalking ex shouting "take me back" to an answer machine to someone she hasn't been in contact with for 2 months.. do you not think? I dont think I would say that straight off if i was her, not without testing the waters a little first. You are probably right though, that she is just trying to relieve her guilt, but Its the not knowing that is making my mind think about her more than I would like. Im just having a weak day and the fact that she contacted my friend recently asking him to talk to me has just intensified the curiosity but i will hangout and in a week I will hopefully be back to full strength and I will stop entertaining the idea of breaking no-contact. Thanks again, very helpful feedback everyone.
nopainnogain Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I was watching 2 1/2 men last night starring charlie sheen and he says if you are gonna call an ex you might as well mail them your balls in the mail instead. lol
Author darksky Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 ha - thanks for that nopainnogain, I'll bare that in mind.
TheBigCow Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I don't know if I agree with this "cheat once and no forever" attitude. I agree that at this age and level of commitment (emotionally, no kids, financially) that it is probably best to just call it quits, but people do make mistakes. You've obviously already made your mind up (and thats fine, just discussing here), but I think that if my ex had been genuinely remorseful and was willing to fight to regain my trust, make sacrifices to prove she was making an effort (maybe not going out with friends who were around at the time or whatever), then I would have considered it. Unfortunately for me, she almost didn't care... infact, she acted as though she did the right thing :S (to be fair she told me only a couple of days later).
nopainnogain Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 but people do make mistakes. I agree. Ive made mistakes letting those ppl back in my life.
TheBigCow Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Heh, fair enough. I suppose I never got to make that mistake myself
Author darksky Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 I don't know if I agree with this "cheat once and no forever" attitudeTheBigCow - This is an interesting topic which im sure has been covered many times before. I sometimes think that it easy as an outsider to say "cheat once and no forever" as things can seem very "black and white" to someone who doesn't know the people and the situation completely. So I am also on the fence with the idea of "cheat once and no forever" - CaliGuy and nopainnogain would probably disagree with this im sure, they seem to be very headstrong about it - and to be fair they are probably right.. but I think that BigCow makes a valid point: people DO make mistakes.. but in my situation i think that it was more than just a mistake, she was casually seeing someone else behind my back for about a month, and when we broke up she said that the other person actually wasnt the reason for us breaking up, not too sure if this is true, but either way the relationship cant of been right. So i guess thats a little more than just a mistake, right? I mean a mistake is usually a one-off thing. It seems she made more of a decision than a mistake, and only now she realises that the whole thing was a "mistake". Well maybe she does, I dont know that for sure. Im just disappointed in her and think that im probably being to easy on her by even entertaining the idea of speaking to her again. Ah well, I guess the only think i can do is to keep moving on, as sad as It feels.
Nedved Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I think what you really need to do is think back to when you found out about her seeing this guy for a month behind your back and think how hurt and devastated you were/are. I'm all for giving people a 2nd chance but this for me is something i could'nt forgive. Its worse than a one night stand IMO. you sound very like myself and liike to see the good in people and just wanna move on with your life but i d'ont think this person deserves to have you in her life or be given a chance to explain herself after what she did to you. This is all about her needing to move on with her life and not about you. She just wants forgiveness and to stop feeling bad about what happened and after clearing her conscience you prob won't hear from her again. its all about her. Everytime that phone rings you'l be thinking its her and you'l be angry for letting your guard down allowing her in. My advice is let her suffer a while longer. believe me she deserves it. If she continues to text and call maybe and only maybe then send her a short message saying your moving on with your life and wish her all the best.
Author darksky Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 Hi Nedved, Your right, what she did is practically impossible for me to forgive. When I think back to the first few weeks I found out I was soo angry and hurt I couldn't believe it. I guess its only now that I think im getting over it all that I feel less angry, but when i think about it the anger flares up again. As you rightly say, she doesn't deserve the chance to clear her conscience. I also think that seeing someone else for a period of time is worse than a one night stand, simply because of the fact that she obviously mad a calculated decision and it wasn't just a momentary lapse or weak moment. Thanks for putting it in perspective, you've all given me that extra bit of strength that I needed when Im having a bad week. Sometimes I feel great for the way that i've handled it all (with the NC).. something similar happened to me before and I handled it all wrong, this time i've made sure i havn't made the same mistakes again, and i feel that i've made progress 10 times as fast. I just wish that NC with the ex could also make me feel less empty and sad, but Im hoping in time I that will just take care of itself. Thanks again.
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