HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi all, This is a weird experience for me...asking for advice from folks on an internet forum! Here's the deal...two weeks ago, my husband "threw out his back" and was in pain for several days. It seemed to subside and then, just as we thought everything was back to normal, last week, it happened again, only MUCH worse. He went to the family doc on Friday & was told it was a pulled muscle. They gave him a bunch of meds & sent him home. Well, Friday night he took one of the muscle relaxants and had a horrible reaction to it - hallucinations and the whole nine yards. And to top it all off, the pain shot through the roof and changed so it's going down his leg. We spent Saturday at the Emergency Room, where he was told it's not a pulled muscle - it's a herniated disk. Here's the issue: neither of us has slept much the whole weekend, and he is INCREDIBLY angry and in so much pain, he can't see straight. He is a very, very laid back man, who is the kindest person I've ever known...until now. He has yelled at me, sworn at me and basically just gone off on me for 2 days/nights. I KNOW he's not 'my husband' right now, but I don't know how to deal with this. I have cried until I don't know if I can cry any more. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this situation? Thanks for letting me vent...any advice would be appreciated.
jasminetea Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 First off understand why people do this. Its very human to take out our pain (whether that be emotional, mental or physical) on those we love. We trust them to not take permanent offence at whatever it is we throw at them. But also understand that a) no one has the right to treat others as their personal punch bag and b) no one has to accept this treatment. So, next time this happens, explain to him without getting emotional, that its not fair and indeed, counter productive. He is hurting you and that hurt doesn't help you to help him. If he continues, walk away from him; leave the room and don't go back until he's calmed down. Finally, when he's emotionally stable enough to listen to you, explain that you understand why he treats you this way, but that it hurts you, its not fair and ask him to stop.
giotto Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 he is INCREDIBLY angry and in so much pain, he can't see straight. you said it yourself... pain is a horrible thing and the lack of sleep doesn't help... pain can turn the gentlest man into a beast... give it time and try and help your husband, even if he's being horrible to you... it's not his fault...
2sure Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Pain is tough. Chronic pain can ruin lives. Hopefully this is a temporary thing. He is being a bad patient. I guess this is one of the "worse" in "for better or worse." I do know that people in pain are not themselves, I'm sorry I dont have any real advice in how to deal with it. Except maybe take a break when you can - get outside, go to lunch, etc. Counteract the negative you are receiving with some positive. Just enough to get you through.
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 you said it yourself... pain is a horrible thing and the lack of sleep doesn't help... pain can turn the gentlest man into a beast... give it time and try and help your husband, even if he's being horrible to you... it's not his fault... First off, thank you all for your responses. It helps feeling like I'm not alone! I am trying to help him - I just don't know how to help. He is a very healthy man (never sick) and doesn't cope well with this kind of thing - not that we've ever dealt with this particular situation before. I know it's not his fault...and I DO know it's not about me. At least, my HEAD knows it's not about me; my heart, well, that's another matter altogether. We have been together for 11 years now & have had only 3 arguments in that entire time - we just don't ever fight - nothing to fight about, really. We complement one another beautifully. So, to have him so angry & saying such hateful/hurtful things, even though I know it's the pain & possibly the medications speaking, is so hard. I'm doing everything I know to do for him, including biting my tongue 'til it's ready to bleed so I don't snap back at him...I just feel helpless to take away his pain. I guess, like I said above, it's just good to be able to "talk" about this and not feel alone. Thank you again!
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Don't take it personally, or try not to. Right now he isn't thinking of anyone but himself, the pain he's feeling. Ofcourse it isn't right that he is taking it out on you, but for some reasons, spouses do that to eachother, maybe because they know their partner isn't going to up and leave them.. 2Sure is right with her post.. Involve his family, parents, siblings etc, to be at the house for afew hours so you can go out and he won't be alone.
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Pain is tough. Chronic pain can ruin lives. Hopefully this is a temporary thing. He is being a bad patient. I guess this is one of the "worse" in "for better or worse." I do know that people in pain are not themselves, I'm sorry I dont have any real advice in how to deal with it. Except maybe take a break when you can - get outside, go to lunch, etc. Counteract the negative you are receiving with some positive. Just enough to get you through. You can say THAT again! My daughter (14) actually "kicked" me out of the house yesterday afternoon, telling me she'd make sure he had what he needed and telling me to just "go" - didn't care where or what I did, but just to get out of the house. The hour I was gone was like nirvana! Gotta tell ya, I've never looked forward to a Monday at work quite so much as this morning!
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Don't take it personally, or try not to. Right now he isn't thinking of anyone but himself, the pain he's feeling. Ofcourse it isn't right that he is taking it out on you, but for some reasons, spouses do that to eachother, maybe because they know their partner isn't going to up and leave them.. 2Sure is right with her post.. Involve his family, parents, siblings etc, to be at the house for afew hours so you can go out and he won't be alone. Thanks, which - he doesn't really have any family that can help, but my parents & my daughter are doing whatever they can to ease things. I know he's fixated on the pain & I wish I could do something (anything) to take it away. But, you're right on one thing - I definitely won't up & leave him - NOTHING could make me do that.
silktricks Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Just bite your tongue and let him scream (even if it's at you). He's really just screaming at the pain (and lack of sleep), and you are caught in the crossfire. He will (hopefully soon) return to himself and feel terrible that he took it out on you. A herniated disk is NO fun, and the pain that can go with it is debilitating while active. Just remember that inside (really deep inside right now) is the same man you married and love. That laid back guy. The quiet one. The one you can't find with a maginifying glass (or a microscope) right now.
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Just bite your tongue and let him scream (even if it's at you). He's really just screaming at the pain (and lack of sleep), and you are caught in the crossfire. He will (hopefully soon) return to himself and feel terrible that he took it out on you. A herniated disk is NO fun, and the pain that can go with it is debilitating while active. Just remember that inside (really deep inside right now) is the same man you married and love. That laid back guy. The quiet one. The one you can't find with a maginifying glass (or a microscope) right now. Silk, you made me smile (a REAL smile) for the first time in 3 days - bless you! Yeah, he's in there somewhere beneath all the pain & anger. Hey, we've been through worse than this in our relationship - we'll make it through this too, provided I don't end up in a large, well-padded room somewhere:)
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Well, my DH went to a chiropractor this morning & called me afterward. He sounded much more like his usual self, and said that it had helped immensely. I don't know if it's psychosomatic or not, and at this point, don't really care as long as he is in less pain. The weird thing is (somebody cue up the theme from The Twilight Zone), he said, "So, Babe, are you having a good day?" Ok, so how was I supposed to answer THAT one? "No, strange dude, after being yelled at/cussed at/made to feel like crap all weekend, not so much." Nah, couldn't do that. So, I said the only thing I felt I COULD say, which was, "It's going ok for a Monday - I'm a bit tired, but ok." It was almost like he doesn't remember what a mean beast he's been all weekend. Maybe I'll look into that big padded room after all!
redfathom Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I imagine he feels guilty and I would try to be understanding of the physical pain he was in and now the emptional pain of feeling guilty. Maybe make a joking comment about how nice it is to have him back to his old self, that he was a real pain the butt this weekend.
Author HsMomma Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I imagine he feels guilty and I would try to be understanding of the physical pain he was in and now the emptional pain of feeling guilty. Maybe make a joking comment about how nice it is to have him back to his old self, that he was a real pain the butt this weekend. Thanks, Redfathom, I'll do that. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to be mean to him because I really don't believe he was in his right mind this weekend. But it IS weird to have him acting like it never happened, ya know? I think I'll just go home, give him a kiss & tell him I'm REALLY, REALLY glad he's feeling better. Hopefully, we can both get some sleep tonight. Again, thank you to all of you who responded - you were a big help when I was feeling like a real crybaby!
sunsetbeach Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 The meaness could also be coming from the muscle relaxers. I was prescribed some and omg I was the meanest, most hateful person for a few days until they cleared from my system. My hubby instantly recognized it was from the meds. Now I just do not take them. I literally could have killed someone on them. They just made me have a rage inside of me. If not that then maybe he was in an extreme amount of pain. I have ha medical issues and I am not the most cheerful person when I am in serious pain. I am glad it is better now
Author HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 The meaness could also be coming from the muscle relaxers. I was prescribed some and omg I was the meanest, most hateful person for a few days until they cleared from my system. My hubby instantly recognized it was from the meds. Now I just do not take them. I literally could have killed someone on them. They just made me have a rage inside of me. If not that then maybe he was in an extreme amount of pain. I have ha medical issues and I am not the most cheerful person when I am in serious pain. I am glad it is better now Thanks, Sunset - yes, he's a bit better today. I went with him (drove him, actually) to the chiropractor again this morning & he seems to be a bit better. It - his meanness - could indeed have been from the meds, or the pain, or a combination of the two. I just want my sweet husband out of pain & back to his usual self. I'd give anything to take the pain away so he could just sleep & heal. Ah well, time will help. In the meantime, I did go home last night, give him a kiss, tell him I love him & then sat up with him til 2 as he had something of an emotional meltdown, which I actually think was good for him. I can't help but think that, with all the pain he's experienced along with no sleep for DAYS, he needed to get some of it off his chest. I just held him and kept telling him I love him. Lots of people are saying prayers for him & we're hanging in there. I really appreciate all the support I've gotten here at LS re this situation. It makes a HUGE difference!
z1850 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 He needs to go to a physical medicine & rehabililtation doctor--a physician. What has happened is that he developed a leak in an intervertebral disk (probably L3-L4 or L4-L5) and needs epidural injections under fluoroscopic guidance. For your information, vertebral fluid (called nucleus pulposus) has in it an enzyme known as phospholipase--the same enzyme found in snake venom. This eats away at afferent nerves, near the spinal nerve root, and causes continuous discharge of the nerve, resulting in an intense sensation of pain in the dermatome served by that nerve. It sounds like your husband has pain radiating from his hip, across his upper thigh, and into his inguinal area. This is typical of a ruptured lumbar disc. In most cases, surgery isn't necessary, only epidural injections as I mentioned. This condition is incredibly painful and takes months to resolve, and even years later there can be residual numbness. Besides epidural injections, back exercises are also helpful. Of course this calls for understanding on your part. If you can't stand it, then go visit your relatives for a while. And be sure your husband sees the proper physician for this condition
Author HsMomma Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 He needs to go to a physical medicine & rehabililtation doctor--a physician. What has happened is that he developed a leak in an intervertebral disk (probably L3-L4 or L4-L5) and needs epidural injections under fluoroscopic guidance. Of course this calls for understanding on your part. If you can't stand it, then go visit your relatives for a while. And be sure your husband sees the proper physician for this condition Thank you, z1850, for the information. We are working within our healthcare system to get him a physician. I am not a proponent of chiropractic medicine, but my husband has had success with it in the past & felt very strongly that that was the treatment he wanted to seek. I'm not sure how you can diagnose so surely (in the first paragraph above) what he has without having seen him, but I'll be sure to speak with his doctor about your theory. I must say, I took a bit of offense at your wording above. "If I can't stand it," is judgmental of me in a way I think is quite unfair. I've spent every night since Thursday up with him, holding his hand, holding him, telling him I love him and am here for him, and getting no sleep. I have then gone to work each day & performed my job as well. I have no desire to "go visit my relatives for a while," leaving my husband to fend for himself. I posted to ask for suggestions on dealing with the situation, not on running away from my husband. I'm not a runner - I stick.
z1850 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Your doctor probably will prescribe narcotics (Lortab 7.5 mg or so). This will turn your husband from a man twisting in pain to a sweet, lovable (although sleepy) fellow. Just be careful, that stuff is addictive, although it's better than screaming in pain (and that's a perfect indication for the drug).
Author HsMomma Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 Your doctor probably will prescribe narcotics (Lortab 7.5 mg or so). This will turn your husband from a man twisting in pain to a sweet, lovable (although sleepy) fellow. Just be careful, that stuff is addictive, although it's better than screaming in pain (and that's a perfect indication for the drug). At this point, z, if the doctor told us that standing on his head & holding his left arm out would make a difference, we'd try that too! He's going back to see the doc today & we'll see what they say. His back itself is feeling better, but now it's mostly his left leg - he still can't lie down comfortably & is getting no sleep again. We think it's the sciatic nerve & I don't really know what can be done for that. We'll just have to wait & see what the doc suggests. I'll take sleepy if it means he's comfortable. At this point, I can even deal with the snarky personality - I just want him to get some relief from the pain, ya know?
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