Author Leveller Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 There is a Chinese proverb that says "If we do not change dirction soon we shall surely end up where we are going". As far as my own life is concerned I always knew what needed to happen...i.e. find work and get my career back on track and hopefully this will be a turning point for me. When I did my doctorate I was trying to lay the groundwork for the rest of my life however this last year has been both difficult and unexpected...who would have predicted the deepest recession since the 1930s? For me the major reason I am not with Helen right now were the changes in external circumstances. Not that we would definately have stayed together because there were other underlying reasons for our breakup which only really changed after we split. I started as the driver in the relationship and became the passenger...reflecting the changes in my life with me losing my independence and raison d'etre. Each of us can make a choice (or make a greater effort) to become the driver in our lives and cease to become the passenger which can happen to the best of us. Maybe this is both a conscious and unconscious act simultaneously or one acting upon the other...maybe, just maybe this catharsis will be lasting and material. As for choosing for the both of us...not quite. What I as trying to say was me and my life was something she wanted to buy into. I want to do things with my life (see the pyramids, New York etc.) and this is something she greatly desires too. I want a better life for myself and I want my old mojo back. I want these things with her. This is not about money or anything so superficial it is about making things happen and fulfilling your dreams. I am the most determined person I know and I believe wih my head and my heart that what I want will happen in time. One can have knowledge but not wisdom.
Ronni_W Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I like that Chinese proverb! Feels like a message that it might well be time for me to reflect upon the destination at which I am pointed, too. Honestly, I don't get people not being in romantic partnership with each other (mostly) because of external circumstances. Or. Maybe it was how you perceived/felt about the change in your financial circumstances that caused the break-up? But then you also say that there were underlying issues...or did those stem from your (subsequent) pessimistic/negative self-image? No need to post any answers, of course. Just seems a bit of confusion, lack of clarity, whatever. Which, in my experience, can lead to nothing "good". Maybe this is both a conscious and unconscious act simultaneously or one acting upon the other I make conscious choices about the crap that I stay unconscious about...then I BS myself that it was NOT a conscious choice. I *love* my mind...it is more powerful than...well, you know I want to do things with my life (see the pyramids, New York etc.) and this is something she greatly desires too.Ah! Shared passions and dreams except for the stuff that she'd still have to "buy into". But I get what you're saying. I have no doubt that you do have the power to manifest your dream life. I mean, I think we all have that power. As you say, it's about whether we're making the effort to drive or just sitting in the bus, gawking like a tourist. But what if, just what if, you need to feel (have unshakable confidence and faith in) your mojo, independence and raison d'etre before you can get your "driver's license"?
Author Leveller Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 I like that Chinese proverb! Feels like a message that it might well be time for me to reflect upon the destination at which I am pointed, too. I often think on this. I think it's about taking a 'heads up' on life. You know, 'where am I going, what am I doing etc'. Honestly, I don't get people not being in romantic partnership with each other (mostly) because of external circumstances. Or. Maybe it was how you perceived/felt about the change in your financial circumstances that caused the break-up? But then you also say that there were underlying issues...or did those stem from your (subsequent) pessimistic/negative self-image? This was two related things I think. I basically lost my independence when I lost my job and this had an enourmous impact value on my outlook and on where I was heading. She thought for a long time we weren't going anywhere or could'nt see it working. Looking back she was right, this is why I believe we were right to split and I was soffocating her. Secondly I was locked into work mode and was seriously uptight...too much career, no social life beyond us and I would get jealous about her network of friends. I have made big changes to this situation though and have reconnected with my friends now and made new ones. This was always going to take time. Like I have said before her words to me last month were 'If you were like you are now, we would never have finished'. Does this give an indication of why I believe we have a future?; a future I will shape and that I firmly believe she will want to be a part of over the long term. No need to post any answers, of course. Just seems a bit of confusion, lack of clarity, whatever. Which, in my experience, can lead to nothing "good". I make conscious choices about the crap that I stay unconscious about...then I BS myself that it was NOT a conscious choice. I *love* my mind...it is more powerful than...well, you know Ah! Shared passions and dreams except for the stuff that she'd still have to "buy into". But I get what you're saying. Like I have said I work in a different and sometimes daunting world but now I have/and will continue to separate my career and social life and there are great benefits to be had in terms of travel and financial rewards-it will be both exciting and stable. We had really good times together and went to plenty of interesting places-something her new bf can't provide. I can turn our dreams into our reality. I hope and believe that I can bring her back into my life as these add material substance to the feelings and dreams we shared. To be fair, in the event of a reconcilliation, these will have to be regrown. There is more than enough about me to make this happen. How long it will take is another question though. This is part of the reason why I am still struggle with NC. Without wishing to return to doormat mode we never fell out and I miss her company. Does being in someone's life make it easier to get back together or more difficult...particularly as she is with someone else right now? I am still not sure but I said I would not be back in touch until I found work. I aim to fulfill that promise. Knowing Helen I also thing she has deleted my number to stop her from calling me, she won't ring the house in case my mother answers. I have no doubt that you do have the power to manifest your dream life. I mean, I think we all have that power. As you say, it's about whether we're making the effort to drive or just sitting in the bus, gawking like a tourist. But what if, just what if, you need to feel (have unshakable confidence and faith in) your mojo, independence and raison d'etre before you can get your "driver's license"? For me, these things all stem from me getting back into work and reclaiming my independence but they are likely to be different for you and others. How we become the driver once more (if we have lost that) is down to the individual whether it be through changes in location/job/friends or through education IMHO.
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