surgngnl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi everyone. Let me start off this thread with the statement that I know that my dream that he and I will be is over. I am now in acceptance that he will never be mine again, never be the one I had hoped for for roughly a year. That being said, let me give you the back story as it pertains to now. We fell in love last year when he was leaving his wife. They had no kids, the divorce went through within two months of him telling her he wanted out. He and I knew one another when we were 21 years old, fell in love then, but then didn't speak for 12 years in between because I had chosen another and he was married to her. When we began speaking again, we fell in love once more while his divorce was happening, kept it at an EA only until he was truly single (not that that's any better, but go with me) and he left her swiftly and decisively. Our relationship was surreal, things were said that I still hold so, so dear. He said he wanted to be with me, marry me, have babies with me, all the things that we had waited to do because we thought we were waiting all those years to do with one another since we had both pined for one another the entire time. Then, of course (I now know I am no different than most OWs), when he finally was out of his marriage, the tides turned and he told me that he was too terrified that he would hurt me as he had hurt his ex-wife and that I was his best friend in the world and he couldn't risk losing me from his life. He wanted to be just friends. Ok, so, I went with it. I loved him so much that I wanted him in my life any way that I could have him. I geniunely like him as a person and he knew every single thing about me already, and I him. He was my buddy and I was happy to just be the one person he came to. And he did. We have spent at least 3 hours of the phone once a week since last August. As friends. Talking about everything, his depression, the loss of my job, his moving to a city where he knew no one, yada, yada. I've put my true feelings aside for a long time. And I thought I was ok with it. We had a glitch in January when I went to stay with him for a few days and yes, we slept together. I chalked it up to a silly mistake and moved on. Then, last week, I went to visit him again. The first night I was there, we talked about everything under the sun for hours and hours, as we do. That night, he slept in the same bed with me (when he usually sleeps on the couch when I'm there), which, of course, I loved and welcomed with open arms. We snuggled all night long, he didn't sleep at all since he was constantly moving so that he could hold me tighter, kiss my forehead, hold my hand, stroke my hair, never sex, just the wrapping of arms and legs that us women adore. I woke up the next morning on cloud 9. I felt that it was a sign. Twice now, he had been intimate with me the only times we saw one another for months. Buuuut apparently, he had a different view since he did a total 180 on me the next day. He was so stand-offish, distant, all that. I stayed for two more days (as we had planned) and I got nothing but weirdness from him. Yes, I get it. He wanted physical comfort; I read waaaaay too much into it. I left two days later in a bit of a huff due to my being offended at him A) treating his "best friend" that way and B) angry at what he made me feel if he truly didn't feel the same. My question now is how do I handle how I now feel? I had been hiding my real feelings under a blanket this whole time, but I've now woken up to the simple fact that I've been fooling myself. I can't and don't want to talk to him for a while in order to get my head straight. On his end, what is he thinking? Does he even have any idea what's going on on my end? He called me two days after I left, but I never called him back. He called and when I didn't call back, he texted me that he had a new, greatly positive development on a situation that would have changed his life for the worse, that we've talked about a million times and have been waiting to hear about. I texted back a day later, "That's great news. Happy for you." But I never called him back. I always call him back. I truly don't know if he understands why his buddy isn't calling him back, but I just can't. So, should I write an email telling him that I need some time away from him? How far would I have to go into it if that was the right step? Do I tell him that I love him and knowing that he won't love me again, I need to step back from our being friends? Or do I just leave it, not talk to him without reason given? Does he even need a reason? Is this something I need to deal with on my own? It wasn't his fault that I am still in love with him; he's always been honest with me with exception to the time he slept with me and the last time that he snuggled with me. I take full blame outside of that. I know it was me that held on to hope that he wasn't offering. So, what should I do? I'm going to wait a few days to see what kind of consensus I get. I don't want to do anything hasty, nor anything that is really for my own peace of mind. I honestly want to do the right thing here. And I want opinions. Please give me opinions, oh smart LSers. You always have great insight. And right now, momma needs it. Badly.
boogieboy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If you want to be with him, but he doesnt want to be with you, theres no reason for you to be holding on to this. get the facts of what the problem is first, and if you cant work it out, you have to go cold turkey.
Exit Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Well, he originally misled you by saying he wanted to marry you and all that, but he was probably just looking for some comfort during the divorce process. He did his best to be honest with you when he later told you that he didn't want to get into a relationship with you and risk losing you too. Whether he was being genuine, or covering up some other bizarre reason that he didn't want to be with you, he told you the truth. From that point on you should have been trying to let your feelings go. But no point talking about that as we can't change that now. At this point, if I were in your shoes, I would stop contact and see if he asks what's going on. Don't just fire off a detailed email spilling your guys when you don't even know if he cares or not. Take a few days off and just enjoy yourself doing other things. If he comes asking about why his "buddy" disappeared, maybe then you can tell him you are uncomfortable being in that position any longer. It's up to you if you want to try to remain friends, but you would really have to let your feelings go first. If you can't manage to do that with him still around, then the friendship should end as well so you can get over it on your own.
Graduate Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi surgngnl, I don't really know what to tell you to do, but I have been in a very similar situation. I was trying to be friends with the guy I was still in love with, even though I knew he did not want to be with me anymore and was probably dating other people. One weekend we spent together we ended up sleeping in the same bed with him kissing, hugging, cuddling me all night long, with no attempt at sex from his part. I was so happy and thought this meant he was interested in more than friendship and we would go back to having a romantic relationship now. Well, the next day he was so cold and distant and obviously could not get rid of me fast enough. When I left I sent him a text to which he replied, but I have not heard from him since. I don't understand what happened and I hate the fact that he spent the night with me like that only to treat me like garbage the next day. No idea what goes on in his head, but I have a feeling that he regretted the affection he showed me and is somehow blaming me for making him do it. What I have decided for myself is to not contact him again but wait to see if he gets in touch with me first. It is hard, but if that is the way he treats his 'friend' than I think I am better off without him in my life. Good luck with everything, I hope things turn out much better for you!
Taramere Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 he did a total 180 on me the next day. He was so stand-offish, distant, all that. I stayed for two more days (as we had planned) and I got nothing but weirdness from him..... He called me two days after I left, but I never called him back. He called and when I didn't call back, he texted me that he had a new, greatly positive development on a situation that would have changed his life for the worse, that we've talked about a million times and have been waiting to hear about. I texted back a day later, "That's great news. Happy for you." But I never called him back. I always call him back. I truly don't know if he understands why his buddy isn't calling him back, but I just can't. So, should I write an email telling him that I need some time away from him? How far would I have to go into it if that was the right step? Do I tell him that I love him and knowing that he won't love me again, I need to step back from our being friends? Or do I just leave it, not talk to him without reason given? I must confess that I'd be curious about this life-changing news.....but I'd be curious from a completely self-interested angle. Is it news that is going to change his life wonderfully, but have absolutely no bearing on the situation between the two of you? If so, then that's great for him - but probably not something the two of you need to meet up and discuss in depth. Particularly not at a time when you're vulnerable and need to focus on protecting yourself emotionally. If it's news that may have implications (potentially positive ones) for the two of you, then that's different. In your situation, I'd want to meet up and discuss that. I just think, what do you really have to lose by laying your needs, wants and interests out to this guy (if that's what he's calling for when he says he wants to talk)...as opposed to just fading away in a gracious mist of hurt feelings, and never speaking to him again? I totally appreciate that as his behaviour has been erratic and flaky, you want to guard yourself emotionally. And so you should. But might that mean venturing out with a good bit of armour and a shield in place....as opposed to simply hiding away from this man and this situation altogether?
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