InquiringMind Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I met this guy about 2 weeks ago while I was working. We've been talking on the phone pretty much every day. I think he's a very nice guy. We've never been on a date yet and has never been intimate in any sort of way. One day, while we were in conversation, he told me he wanted to tell me something but that he wanted to say it face to face. At first he was hesitant to tell me because I told him that if it was something important I'd rather he tell me right then while we were on the phone. So he told me that he has herpes and has had it for five years. He told me that his grandmother knows but he didn't tell anyone else in his family. He said he told his ex and his ex chose to accept it. They have a child together since after they started dating. She apparently left him three years later for her ex-boyfriend. He told me that he didn't like telling his family (accept grandma) about it because they talk too much and would make him feel uncomfortable and treat him like he's too contagious and shouldn't touch him. Me, being scared and in shock when he told me, I didn't know how to take it. I asked him why didn't he tell me at the beginning. He told me that he don't just tell every girl he meet that he has herpes. He said he told me because he cares about me and didn't want to waste my time. He also said that he didn't want to hurt me nor himself. I was so scared, I told him I didn't know what to say and he asked me if I wanted to think about it and call him back. We talked a little longer then I later did a research on the disease and became more afraid after reading that you can still transmit even if you use protection. As stated before, I think he's a really nice guy. Almost too nice. Yet in truth I don't really know him that much to simply ignore the importance of the disease and easily put myself at risk for the disease. My assumptions about his personality are only based upon the past few days that we've been talking. We've been spending lots of hours in conversation. I don't want to just turn and run the other way just because of some unfortunate situation that was bestowed upon him. But I DO know I don't want the disease myself. I have a relative that has the disease, but since we are not close, I don't know anything about how she deals with it. My brother's ex has herpes, but he doesn't. They were together on and off for a few years. They have a couple of children together. He doesn't have the disease. I look a my brother's situation and think that maybe I won't end up with the disease. But I'm not that stupid. Every body is different. Just because my brother doesn't has it doesn't mean I won't get it. I guess I'm just wanting to know how to handle this. I mean, I don't want to stop talking to this guy. At first thought, I was thinking that maybe we can be together and just not have sex, but I'm smart enough to know that if I deny him that, he will likely have sex with someone else. I'm also afraid that if I remain friends with him and not be in a relationship that I might develop deep feelings for him. I already like him. Our conversations weren't just friendly, they were also sexual. I would feel entirely cruel if I just run and not talk to him anymore when he hasn't done anything wrong to me. Telling me he has herpes wasn't wrong. I respect him for being bold enough and trusting me enough to tell me. It shows that he cares. If I take that and run, how will that make me look? Any responses?
hairdiva09 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I guess the question is...how will you feel if you contracted it? Will you be able to handle it? Will you resent him? Will you crawl into a corner and ask to die or will you be able to stand tall and accept it? This issue can be very tricky because it is something that a person is stuck with for the rest of their lives, HOWEVER, it is not life threatening (unlike HIV/AIDS). Another question for you...do you have children? Having the disease doesn't mean the children will contract it, BUT, if a woman is having an outbreak during labor, there is a slight possibility that it could cause the child to be blind. Unfortunately, herpes is common, more common than you think all because people are speading it around like candy. It seems that he may a honest person...I mean at least he told you because obviously no one told him. Since it is early on into the relationship, I advise you not to make any hasty decisions because it can affect you (and other potential relationships in the future as well).
kostoronto Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I'm glad that there are women in the world like you. I had a similar relationship with a girl, no herpes for me, though, and one day she decided to end it, without telling me, because it was better for the both of us. The fact that you've spent this much time thinking about it shows that you care about him. I'd say, give it a try, use protection, and see how things go. Good luck.
pandagirl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 As a person who has HSV, this is a cool thread to read, to hear what someone on the receiving end of the news feels like. And what you are feeling is totally understandable! I'd do your research and educate yourself. With the right precautions, you can cut down the transmission rate to about 2%, which is pretty good in my opinion. Not to compare an STD to pregnancy, but you run about a 5% chance of getting pregnant when you are on the pill. But I'm just trying to prove the point there is no fool proof way to guard yourself against risks when you decide to have sex. Knowing this guy has herpes doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. If you choose, you can get to know him better and then make your decision. You may find after a few more dates, you don't even like him anymore as a person! Or you may realize he is worth the small chance of you contracting HSV. As a person who has herpes, it's not the physical effects that bother me. I have had it for seven years, and my last outbreak was five years ago. The only time I even really think about it is when I have to tell someone I'm dating. (Which I'm about to do this week!) Good luck!
AriaIncognito Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 At least he came out and told you. Many people aren't so brave. Yes, it is still spreadable, even with protection, due to the possibility of "shedding", but I'm not sure how probable that is as opposed to when you see visible sores and possible contraction. I'd say, read more about it. Get to know him more. It's definitely a hard decision he had to make, to tell you he has it. It's unfortunately something that is making it's way around pretty easily, protection or not. You can sleep with 1 person your whole life and potentially catch it, or sleep with hundreds, and never catch it. It's even possible you have it now, if you've never been tested. Have you? It can be passed on to you from birth. Either way, you could have yourself checked out just so you know for sure that you dont already have the dormant form. In my own experience, I have it. I don't know how, as I'd only been with 1 person, he didn't have it (to my or his knowledge) and I never had unprotected sex with him. So I'm actually not sure if I had it from birth somehow, or not, as I'd not been tested for STDs ever before having sex because well, I presumed you caught them from having sex, not from birth/genes/etc. However i will say this, I had a total of 1 outbreak, the initial one, and haven't had anything since (thank god, it's been 11 years now I believe). It was hard for me to accept at first, i'd done everything right, and somehow I contracted it? Who knows how. Maybe it's just something that's decided for us. I'd say talk to him about it. Ask him if he's had several outbreaks, or what his experiences are with it. Personally, I don't think I'd discount him for it, regardless of my own status. Obviously you'd want to abstain if he had visible sores, but other than that, as long as you're safe, the chances are, as pandagirl said, pretty low, lower than pregnancy. Good luck to you. I know it must not be an easy decision, and like panda said, it's good to hear about it from the receiving end, being someone on the other side.
Jilly Bean Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 First off, you should applaud him for being so forthcoming. Secondly, if you like him, then I would say continue to date him. You don't have to be intimate until you feel ready, and in the meantime, you can decide if he is worth any risk to you.
Author InquiringMind Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Yes, I've been tested recently. I don't have it. I do respect him for telling me. I've told him that. He told me that he get the outbreak once every two years. I asked him how do he know when he's going to get the outbreak and he told me what it feels like when the outbreak occurs and it about to occur. I care about him enough to want to continue to talk and get to know him. I'm smart enough to wait it out and think about if I want to take it farther with him and that if I do to be protected. I suppose I'm trying to rid this feeling I had inside... being a little upset that someone did that to him, and feeling selfish myself for thinking I'm being punished by meeting a really good guy that happens to have an incurable disease. First I started to think "why him" why did it have to be this nice guy. After I ditched a past partner nearly a year ago, I'd been trying to get over that past guy and I moved on hoping to meet THE guy. Yet, all the guys that I'd been meeting wanted to have sex so soon, so I would not give anyone the chance. I meet this guy and he's entirely different from any guy I've ever met. I know it's only been two weeks and I'm not going to jump the gun and get all gaga in the head before really getting to know him. I take the matter seriously. I'm glad to read the responses from the other end. It really helps.
brokenglass Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 InquiringMind, you might want to go ahead and check through this thread here which goes into length about this subject. I believe pandagirl herself started it and I thought it would be relevant for you to go through it and check out the responses. The advice I'll give to you will reflect basically what I said there and that is, if he is a good man, if he is a good person and takes care of himself and did the right thing by telling you well ahead of time, if you can accept that he has this virus he cannot control or remove from his body and can accept he will do what he can to keep you safe (pending he chooses to do so) then you should overlook what he has and treat him as a good person rather than a person with an STD. A lot of times, regardless of what others feel and think, this is common and is completely preventable. There are many, many couples out there who have one partner with herpes and the other that does not. Its entirely possible to live a healthy, happy life being in a relationship and not contract this virus. Its not as bad as some people will have you believe. I wish you the best of luck with your decision!!!
dreamergrl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I think it is great that he came out and let you know. It couldn't have been easy. It is very respectable that he did so. I also think it's great that you are taking the time to decide on how to you want to handle the news. If it were me, and I was interested in the guy, I'd go out with him a few times to see how it went, how we meshed together, and what not. You don't need to be intimate with him right away. You can feel things out, and decide what is best for you. Please come back and update us!
Jersey Shortie Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I agree with Jilly Bean. And will ad that if you like him and want to be sexually active with him, to make an appointment with your doctor to get the facts about STDs, how to protect yourself and what it exactly means that he has Herpes. I think we all know the basics of STDs but if you are going to be intimate with someone that has them, it's probably a great idea to arm yuorself with more then just basic knowledge.
Author InquiringMind Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 I will update. So far, we've been out on two dates since after he told me. We are enjoying ourselves. I've been reading as much information I can about HSV so that I would at least have a lot to consider when we sit down and have a longer and very detailed discussion about it. He told me that he doesn't mind waiting for me when I told him that I would want for us to refrain from sex until we both know for sure that it's what WE want. He told me that he's not after sex, he's after my heart and that he would never give HSV to me. I know he means well when he say that, but I still know nothing's for certain. So we are still taking our time. I will check out the forum link you referred here. Thanks.
pandagirl Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I will update. So far, we've been out on two dates since after he told me. We are enjoying ourselves. I've been reading as much information I can about HSV so that I would at least have a lot to consider when we sit down and have a longer and very detailed discussion about it. He told me that he doesn't mind waiting for me when I told him that I would want for us to refrain from sex until we both know for sure that it's what WE want. He told me that he's not after sex, he's after my heart and that he would never give HSV to me. I know he means well when he say that, but I still know nothing's for certain. So we are still taking our time. I will check out the forum link you referred here. Thanks. Great! Both of you seem to be handling it well and being mature and communicative about it. Take it day by day. I'm glad you're giving him a chance.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 That was big of him to tell you so soon about his herpes. IMO, some people wait too long because they're afraid of rejection. I also think it's big of you to give him another chance. As was mentioned above, there are ways to cut DOWN your risk of contracting it. But just as with life, there are no guarantees. Avoid contact when there's an outbreak, always use a condom, and it would help if he's on that medication for it. All these things can help CUT the risk, but not eliminate it. The 2% risk as stated above - that's the same lifetime risk you run of dying in a car accident. There are going to be risks no matter what you do - that's life. I think people spend too much time in fear and not in living. If he's a good guy, then I'd say he deserves a chance.
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