Separated from wife. Knocked up girlfriend. About to lose job. Suffering.

[suicidal_miasma]

1. Wife (was married 1 year, together 14, no kids) leaves last September. Think she had an affair, but don't know. She refused all efforts at reconciliation. I was completely shocked. We have been separated since January.

 

2. Ended up at a psychiatric hospital in February for suicidality over the divorce. Come out with a no rules must find happiness mentality.

 

3. Started dating women. Found a nice girl, told her my situation and start an extremely passionate affair.

 

4. Girlfriend is knocked up and refuses to even consider abortion. I do not want to be the scum that leaves her to single motherhood and ruins her life and her dreams.

 

She is a wonderful girl. I believe that I should take it upon myself to cherish her, but I do not find her attractive. We are talking about marriage, and since she is pregnant I am doing everything I can to make her happy and fully intend to do everything I can, but I have serious misgivings.

 

a. I'm not yet divorced and I am still in emotional agony over it.

b. I do not find this girl attractive.

c. I am about to lose my job because it was impossible to function being so terribly depressed.

 

She understands these facts and expresses her willingness / desire to enter into a lifetime commitment with me. I desperately want to do the right thing. If I could only make myself love her, everything would be perfect, but I just don't feel that way! Can I force myself to love her? We get along and want the same things in life and share the same values, but I do not find her physically attractive.

 

I am suffering from extreme grief, anxiety and stress. What the heck do I do? How can I do the right thing here? Will I just end up with another divorce?

[mark982]

slow down guy.you haven't even finished grieving from your first marriage.i inderstand that you want to do what's right by this other girl,but you're not even attracted to her.you have to work on YOU first. get therapy,ic whatever you need ,but slow down before you make mistake #2.

[voldigicam]

Wow.

 

Marriages for the kid may work or not. Commitment is more difficult. But I suppose they may work. With commitment, love may come.

 

But I generally don't bet that way.

 

Marriage gets into the whole state enforced child this and that rules alimony blah blah. I find myself reommending it less and less.

 

I would think you have legal obligations. Those I'd suggest considering a floor. The minimum you should plan on. I strongly recommend taking a deep breath and seeing an attorney to determine precisely what the obligations are.

 

Then there's what you're willing to do. I suggest not making any permanent commitments. You can still unilaterally provide the support you think you need.

 

You also may with to exercise whatever rights you have in your state.

 

I suppose you can have an attorney set up an agreement that sets forth your obligations and asserts your rights.

 

Regardless, approach the business aspects on a contractural basis rather than jumping into the mess of marriage. That's my advice.

 

From a personal perspective, you might well find that being with and supporting this young lady through pregnancy changes things a whole bunch.

 

Good luck.

[sally4sara]

3. Started dating women. Found a nice girl, told her my situation and start an extremely passionate affair.

 

4. Girlfriend is knocked up and refuses to even consider abortion.

 

b. I do not find this girl attractive.

 

What happened between point 3. and point b.?

You found her attractive enough to result in her being pregnant. Is she unattractive now because she is pregnant or because she is unwilling to abort and you feel trapped? Is it something else?

 

Because it was presumably with consent(lets hope), you didn't do this to her. At least not just YOU; she got herself there too. You will be expected to be responsible for this kid's needs just like she will, but you don't HAVE TO get married - just like she doesn't HAVE TO have keep the kid. You have choices too. Calm down and think. Just because a due date is estimated for when the kid will be born, it doesn't mean you have to get married before that date either. I have a close friend who's parents got married when she was 16 years old!

Illegitimate kids? What does that even mean anymore?

[NoIDidn't]

Do not marry someone you aren't attracted to just because you got them pregnant. That is only going to make things worse.

[surgngnl]

this is tricky. i am a full believer in being a family, but in my heart of hearts, i think that if you marry her, it will end up in divorce. if you can seriously, honestly see yourself putting all aside to be with this woman for the sake of your child, then marry her. but i doubt that's the case. you're not the first man to choose happiness over what's traditionally right. men have done it before and if you can be ok with it too, then be the best father you can be only. as long as you can take care of her, be there for her, be a father to be proud of, then take the no marriage path. otherwise, marry her and be done with it. if that's the path you take, don't question it, don't wish for something else, do it with the best of intentions.

 

good luck. i hope you find the right path for you.

[z1850]

Keep your pants zipped and concentrate on your work. It's more important, anyway.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to get your mind right.

 

First thing handle your divorce, if your wife or ex isnt coming back. solidify that with divorce papers. Call her up and ask her to agree to a no fault, go find a mediator and split everything down the line 50/50.

 

Okay next find a higher paying job. You can go for unemployment when the time comes, but right now work towards making your financial future better.

 

Secondly, support the woman who is about to give birth to your first son, whether you like it or not, this woman is having your seed mayn. The least you can do is be kind and loving and cultivate a decent relationship while she's pregnant.

 

You said before this woman is a good woman, you sounded kinda okay with it, except for the pregnancy part. I understand that as a man that probably wasnt what you wanted but right now you got no choice.

 

It sucks because you probably want your wife back, but has she contacted you, have you talked to her in anyway.

 

Where do you stand in the marriage is it over or reconciliation?

 

You need to be clear on this. It sucks because you basically got the jump off pregnant, the first thing you should have done was finalized your divorce and then started jumping around. So that way you wont be legally obligated to someone else if something like this happened.

 

I wish you peace in your head and heart.

 

I dont know what else to say except handle you B.I.