Having issues with our past

[coconuts]

Long story short, My boyfriend and I broke up after 3 years. He immediately jumped into a serious relationship with some chick he met at a bar. She was a slut and he dumped her a few weeks into the relationship. But during that time he cut contact with me to a minimum and then plastered how much he loved her all over his myspace, how he never felt that way with anyone but her, etc. Basically letting the world know I meant nothing to him.

 

I decided to let him go. I was angry and bitter, but after they broke up he apologized and stupid me let him back in my life. I was so lonely and desperate that I ended up taking him back. Things were rocky, but he was committed to making it work. We have a child together and I wanted the whole "perfect family" thing.

 

We've been back together a year now and he is totally in love with me. He is like a different person, but I can't let go of the hurt he caused when we broke up, seeing how I was so easily replaced has really made me question everything. My self esteem is shot. He tries so hard, but I just don't feel the same way I used to. I don't trust that he won't hurt me again.

 

Would I be a bad person for leaving him even though he's done everything he can to prove he loves me and wants this relationship? I thought over time I would get over the resentment, but I haven't and don't think I can. Part of me just wants to stay because it's easy. But the other part would rather be with someone who hasn't betrayed my trust. Am I weird for not being over what happened?

[neowulf]

Trust is such a HUGE thing in any relationship.

 

Once it's been damaged, it can take a very very long time and a great deal of hard work to begin rebuilding.

 

However, from what you've mentioned in your post, it would appear that your boyfriend cares deeply for you and is trying his best to make a go of things.

 

I would recommend you guys trying to see a couples counselor for starters to try and provide some ideas on how you can move forward with this.

 

I will offer this though.

 

Trust is a gift that is entirely yours to give and is dependent on you having the courage to face the likelihood that yes, he may hurt you again.

 

However, consider this. You know him now. He knows he has work ahead of him to be a better partner to you. He knows he made a mistake and has worked hard to earn a second chance with you.

 

If you were to go seeking someone new, you would invest a certain amount of trust in them, but in the end you're still only hoping that they won't hurt you like your current boyfriend did.

 

Is it really easier to trust a stranger who hasn't hurt you yet, vs the person you already know?

 

I'm not suggesting it's easy. He has to make you feel safe and secure again and you have to find the courage to accept that he *may* hurt you all over again. Yet if you guys can make it through this, your relationship will be all the stronger for it.

 

Good luck.

[coconuts]

Thank you for the reply. So many people told me I was stupid when I took him back...I lost a lot of friends over it. But I do love him....more than I can ever imagine loving anyone else.

 

It's almost like our roles got reversed....prior to this I was the one that tried so hard to make it work. He was kind of ambivalent...and now it's the exact opposite.

 

I just wish he didn't have to sleep with another girl to figure out I am the one he wants. It's just disgusting to me and has made me look down on him....especialy because the girl was so nasty and gave him a STD (thankfully a curable one).

 

I will try couples counseling and see if it helps. I just don't know if he can say or do anything at this point...Just something I need to work through...I just hope I can

[neowulf]

Thank you for the reply. So many people told me I was stupid when I took him back...I lost a lot of friends over it. But I do love him....more than I can ever imagine loving anyone else.

 

It's almost like our roles got reversed....prior to this I was the one that tried so hard to make it work. He was kind of ambivalent...and now it's the exact opposite.

 

I just wish he didn't have to sleep with another girl to figure out I am the one he wants. It's just disgusting to me and has made me look down on him....especialy because the girl was so nasty and gave him a STD (thankfully a curable one).

 

I will try couples counseling and see if it helps. I just don't know if he can say or do anything at this point...Just something I need to work through...I just hope I can

 

In a perfect world, none of us would require hindsight to realise what we really had before we lost it. Unfortunately, I fear it's all part of being human.

 

In many ways if you can find a way to move past this, your boyfriend may end up being fare more faithful than he ever was to begin with.

 

I wish you guys luck. At the very least, if you both go through counselling you'll have the clarity to make a decision about the future of the relationship either way.

[manugeorge]

I think his jumping into another relationship immediately was probably him masking his hurt at the time. This is a very common way of dealing with heartbreak...a LOT of people do it. Imagine women who go wild and slut it out as soon they break off a relationship, it's the same with guys, just looking to fill the void with something, anything. A lot of us are not equipped in dealing with heartache, so we frantically look around for a bandage, anything to make the pain go away, even if it's just temporary.

 

He went after another girl so quickly because he wanted to recreate what he had with you, he didn't want to feel the pain of a breakup.

 

He's human, he's not perfect, and as another imperfect human yourself, look at him through those eyes. He didn't exactly cheat on you and you said he's doing everything he can to right the wrong so don't be so rigid in your judgment of him.

 

And you weren't replaced, you weren't so easily replaced because if you were, he will still be with the stripper or someone else for that matter.