StoptheDrama Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I read this on another website some time ago and it fit my now xMM to a T. I even called him on when I ended it this week (the first time this week, not yesterday). Friendship to an xMM = let's hook up again sometime Anybody have any thoughts?
jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 That is absolutely true. Because you are in a "box" in their mind that has the casual sex box ticked. So if you are still in touch with them knowing what they want and remembering the same things that they remember, they assume its always on the table. It took me a long long time to cure that. And it was like it didnt compute - but you are nice to me and we laugh and joke - it was a big revelation to him that we could do that and I didnt intend it to "go" anywhere. But I think that most people feel that way single or married. If you had a romantic relationship, and it didnt end badly if you are still hanging out, then its always a possibility, regardless of how vague or remote.
Lizzie60 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I agree that it is rather unusual but it can be done. I have remain friends (platonic) with a few MMs.. they know that when the A ended.. that there would be no more sex if they wanted to keep in touch. It worked with a few but I have to say that's it's rather rare.. maybe they are secretly hoping for sex one day.. but I've been firm and very 'clear' about it.. If they don't like it.. they can just leave me alone.. no big deal.
ednadean Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hmm. I think it's possible with 'innocent' EAs - as both people realise that an EA is occuring and both people back off. I think if it's turned into an A -- very very difficult. Civil/acquintance maybe. But friends...no -- unless you were both in it 100% or the sex only and had no feelings towards each other -- but then, if that happened, you wouldn't want to be friends anyway...
NoIDidn't Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Hmm. I think it's possible with 'innocent' EAs - as both people realise that an EA is occuring and both people back off. I think if it's turned into an A -- very very difficult. Civil/acquintance maybe. But friends...no -- unless you were both in it 100% or the sex only and had no feelings towards each other -- but then, if that happened, you wouldn't want to be friends anyway... I disagree. Having engaged in an inappropriate relationship, even without sex, with some men, means you are open to it in the future. Not to mention, I don't think any kind of A can lead to a healthy friendship between the former participants in the immediate aftermath. One is pining for the other in some way, and that doesn't make for a good friendship. A friend isn't going call a friend and say stuff like "You used to call me all the time (referring to the EA time period) and now we hardly ever talk". But people leaving As of any type usually do just that. And I'm not saying that only OPs do this, because it goes both ways. An A basically muddies the waters too much on what could have been a great friendship. Can't unring a bell (thanks, jj33 lol).
NoIDidn't Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 It worked with a few but I have to say that's it's rather rare.. maybe they are secretly hoping for sex one day.. but I've been firm and very 'clear' about it.. If they don't like it.. they can just leave me alone.. no big deal. You basically just agreed with the OPs sentiment, with the exception of your "few" that could make the transition. That's just it, though. Very few men can make that transition. Like jj said, they tend to keep the "sex" box checked. Especially if the sex was really enjoyable (lol).
jwi71 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 That's just it, though. Very few men can make that transition. Like jj said, they tend to keep the "sex" box checked. Especially if the sex was really enjoyable (lol). Ahem. Thinking back through the years as a man I cannot remember having sex I didn't enjoy. And yeah...you can't go back...the line crossed once is easier a second...and third and fourth...
stuckinoz Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 My exMM & I tried it. Tried it before he was divorced & even after (no he didn't divorce for or because of me) It just didn't work! On lots of levels - The sex was always in the back of my mind & for the most part, his too. I wish it would have worked cuz he's a great guy & even though there was an A - still love him as a person.
4everloveu Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I think it will be hard to have any kind of friendship with xMM. Maybe when you have no feeling toward him.
Heather1 Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 I've been going back & forth with this friend/NC thing for months. When it comes right down to it....I want the friend door open for sex too. Hard for me to think of anything else really. I've never been the one to initiate sex (the two times we had it) & told him "hands off." Can't handle how guilty he feels & the rejection I feel afterwards. Back to "friends" - but I think about sex w/ him all the time. So yeah, I think it's a two way street there on the friends thing.
redplanet Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 I think it will be hard to have any kind of friendship with xMM. Maybe when you have no feeling toward him. This post rings true for me. I tried too hard to continue a friendship with xMM. Even more painful than the complications of being in an affair. I do wish it could be possible for friendship, but in my case it's not. Just have to block any form of communication and not even hope that down the track friendship is a possibility. I have certainly grown out of love with him and believe that when any trace of feeling toward him has gone, why would I want him as a friend? It now appears to me there is nothing but deceit and lies and do not want to waste another second of my life dwelling on it (but here I am obviously thinking about it). However, this is my personal account and every situation is different. best wishes to all.
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