iand Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Girlfriend gets drunk...gets arrested for assault..bail prevents us from seeing each other..she hasn't said its over but doesn't respond to emails, won't send a message through friends or family..silence...after eight months and requests to get her stuff if she's not coming back..her stuff is still here???? Women say she's not over you yet..taking time..figuring things out..i've freaked her out a bit..paid $8000 legal bill..paid $3000 in expenses owed..she's never seen that before? Anyone have any ideas from personal experience or thoughts on this? Appreciated.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Pack up stuff. Put in car. Drive to her house. Unload stuff. Deposit on porch. Leave. The end.
asuman Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Pack up stuff. Put in car. Drive to her house. Unload stuff. Deposit on porch. Leave. And also, consider that $11,000 you shelled out to her to be an $11,000 lesson in life that you'll never forget. And don't worry, some people spend a lot more than that to buy their lessons. The end.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 OH yeah, Right. I didn't mention money 'cos' I figured he ain't ever gonna see a dime of that back, on current experience and circumstances. You're right though. Expensive lesson, but more expensive if you read "Wife gets drunk...." You are sooooooo well out of this one. The end of the end.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hang on.... What about the advice in these threads? Or are you being a bit dense? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190556/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190441/
asuman Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Jesus Christ, dude. If you can't tell me that she's a Heidi Klum look-alike, I'm going to be very mad. What the hell does she do that's so great it would cause you to put up with such a trainwreck?
Author iand Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 An angel at home...this **** happens socially..kind of gets her in some zone where she feels people will accept her...it only happened twice...at this level..other times it was just loud and trashy talk...alcohol talk...She has anger issues with family..entitlement etc...lost her sister last year too...discovered following this event that she has a history with hospitals..two overnight visits and one week long stay at CAMH in Toronto. Family doesn't know diagnosis? she signs the peace bond on the 16th...we got her a good deal..12 hours anger and alchol counseling and charges dropped and no criminal record. Love's a powerful thing everybody... The money..yup its a lot but its not done to get her back..simply a loving gesture..no expectations...hope that in the future she'll realize that there are people out there who really do and can love you..and that my time with her was great...unfortunate it had to end like this..as another wrote..could have been worse..could have been married. So....clothes are packed...Goodwill or truck to her parents house where she is staying?
Author iand Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 thanks..you have a good memory. Appreciate your response..question though..without sounding pathetic, what would happen to those people who need help..need support and love to deal with it..should they be abandoned? Wonder what would happen if more of us made an effort to help these people and get them help that they need..even when we've left them? this way they would have a better chance the next time and there wouldn't be more victims?
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Make sure anything you do cannot be considered contact as you said that there is a No Contact order in place. If you drive the stuff to her house and drop it off it is considered contact and might break the order. Personally if it were me I would give them all to a friend or throw the crap out.
BCCA Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 thanks..you have a good memory. Appreciate your response..question though..without sounding pathetic, what would happen to those people who need help..need support and love to deal with it..should they be abandoned? Wonder what would happen if more of us made an effort to help these people and get them help that they need..even when we've left them? this way they would have a better chance the next time and there wouldn't be more victims? Brother, youre trying to talk yourself into believing that if you do good deads to others, they will return the favor. It doesnt work that way. You can only help someone who wants it, and is willing to return the favor. This girl is neither. All youre going to do is waste more time and effort doing things for someone who would NEVER return the favor. Waste of time. Box her stuff up and ship it to her house. Dont say a word, and be done with it. Her leaving it there means nothing, she just doesnt care enough about whats good for you to make getting it a priority. I dont buy into the whole 'shes not over you' bit. I think women use that excuse when the reality is that shes probably not done USING you, or at least might need something from you at some point. In my life, Ive never known women leaving stuff at a guys place to mean anything more than they dont feel like going to get it right now. Just send it back, and forget she ever existed.
NopeNah Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 As I said before my friend... RUN!! and RUN FAST!! There's no healing this chick. I dont care how hot she is. Just think back to the assault and the trashed ass,drunk things she's said and done..RUN!! Am I talking to you or myself? im not sure..but, we should both take my advice and head for the damn door!!!
asuman Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 thanks..you have a good memory. Appreciate your response..question though..without sounding pathetic, what would happen to those people who need help..need support and love to deal with it..should they be abandoned? Wonder what would happen if more of us made an effort to help these people and get them help that they need..even when we've left them? this way they would have a better chance the next time and there wouldn't be more victims? That's the job of social workers and charity volunteers, not boyfriends.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 thanks..you have a good memory. Appreciate your response..question though..without sounding pathetic, what would happen to those people who need help..need support and love to deal with it..should they be abandoned? Wonder what would happen if more of us made an effort to help these people and get them help that they need..even when we've left them? this way they would have a better chance the next time and there wouldn't be more victims? Just let me answer this form a personal angle. In Buddhism, we try to cultivate Loving Kindness and Compassion for others. But there's a fine line between genuine Compassion and Idiot Compassion. It is said that Wisdom & Compassion are the two wings of a Bird. If one wing isn't functioning, the bird cannot fly. Idiot compassion is doing stuff for others that is liable to spell D-O-O-R-M-A-T. Wise Compassion means being supportive in such a way as to enable them to help themselves.
Author iand Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 lots of advice here everybody...some great spiritual logic too. love the two wings of a bird proverb. So....do some people following a major event in their relationship that involves separation by choice or force step back..retreat into themselves and try to regroup and when they're ready to act..act? Again..no expectations on my part anymore...simply trying to learn from this experience and behaviour of people who go through this type of thing. Naturally she panics when friends,family and business colleagues ask about me..apparently she looks suspisious at them.."have you talked to him"..kind of look...when they say no she relaxes and simply says no i haven't seen or talked to him..likely she's afraid and embarrassed that they know what happened.....the arrest..the charges..the counselling..would you all sya this is a normal reaction?
Author iand Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 More good advice...has anybody who's lived through something like this ever had a person deal with her stuff when she can deal with it personally not through a third party? Can a person who's so private..so embarrased..simply wait until conditions allow her to deal with it her or himself? Or is it a control thing..they know you care and want them so they take as much time as they want to do anything about you? They play while you deal with their left behind life? Thoughts?
Author iand Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 one last thing all....i'm intelligent enough to realize that we can't control the actions of others right? I'm asking all these questions in an effort to understand these actions and hepfull there's more people like you who have experienced or know of someone who's had these experiences and are willing to share your insights with me. I really appreciate it. I would be lying if i didn't admit that i'd love to sit in a public place one day and ask some questions and listen to the responses from this woman. But..i don't believe that day will come and i am now in a state where i can honestly say goodbye..all the best.. I fell in love with the beautiful side of this woman. I have since discovered that her dark side has what i'm sure based on her hospital and institution visits has some medical conditions associated with it..likely a personality disorder of some type...until she faces that alone and deals with it she won't do herself or anybody any good...will she? We can only all hope that she and everybody like her who whave these challenges get the help they need so they can be and live happier in their lives. I am lucky i guess? I had a beautiful ring that was going on her finger last Thanksgiving..the assault one week earlier prevented that from happening..suppose someone..some force much greater than i stopped that from happening..would have preferred a better way but that's what we got. I really appreciate your thoughts..strong words and advice all..it helps a lot...thanks
asuman Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Count your blessings. I too was in a relationship with a woman who had serious emotional and pscyhological problems. It was a nightmare, and had I wound up with her forever, the rest of my life would have been miserable. If you love yourself, you will let her go and move on.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 It's as I said to you in another thread - there is little point really, in trying to second-guess someone else, or get inside their heads. It is always, but always hypothesis. The only head you'll ever really get to grips with, is your own. Concentrate on that, and you should steer a good course.
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 The only head you'll ever really get to grips with, is your own. Tried to edit and couldn't. The innuendo is blatant, so someone, feel free to have a field-day with this one - !! :laugh:
asuman Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Tried to edit and couldn't. The innuendo is blatant, so someone, feel free to have a field-day with this one - !! :laugh: Don't just partially quote yourself! The full quote is: "The only head you'll ever really get to grips with, is your own. Concentrate on that, and you should steer a good course."
TaraMaiden Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Yes, I know, but it's the first part that is the real kicker! (The edit facility is so variable on this forum! It's supposed to be 240 seconds, but to say it's temperamental is an understatement!)
Author iand Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks everybody for your help and i suppose confirmation of my thoughts. Sad story..i hate to see anybody live this as the person with challenges and anybody who has to live throught it with this person. She's simply not at a state where she has come to realize that similar past incidents continue to reoccur and a different route has to be followed. Failure to do this means more challenges in the future and a lot of unhappiness.
Author iand Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 i failed to mention that there have been other physical incidents..with her sister (fought with her and had her arrested for assault) and her Father who eventually, according to her, during the arguement, pushed her through a plate glass window? Whew...that's history folks..that's history.
Author iand Posted June 10, 2009 Author Posted June 10, 2009 thanks loveshy....care to elaborate on that?
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