maz97b Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 i've been dating this really great guy for about a month. We get along great and really click. We haven't really discussed being exclusive, so I don't think we are at that point. The other night I went out with my friend, we both got pretty trashed, i met up with some of my other friends and i ended up going to their house. When i was there i ended sleeping with one of my ex coworkers. I was pretty gone, so I don't remember a whole lot about it. It was definitely a ons. However I feel really bad about it. I really like the guy I'm seeing (mentioned in the first paragraph), but i really think that i messed up. So I'm guessing my question is, Do i tell the guy I'm currently dating about this drunken night or is it better to not tell him about it.
Author maz97b Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 i really need some help on this...anybody have any advice?
mr.dream merchant Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Would you be pissed if he had drunken sex with another female? Would your view of him be a cheapened and less appealing one? Would he seem easy and a little bit disgusting to you? A player? If your answer to any of these is yes, then yes, you should tell him.
madredhead Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Do Not Tell Him. Would you want him to tell you if he had a ONS that he considered a mistake? More than likely, he'd be upset and end things with you. Telling him would serve no purpose other than to assuage your guilt.
anne1707 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Don't tell him. You messed up - treat it as a lesson learnt and focus on your boyfriend. Also - you will find a variety of differing attitudes on LS. Some posters are more harsh than others. You will learn who to listen to and who not to listen to if you continue posting
Author maz97b Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 in all honesty, i don't think i would want to know if he did the same thing, for me it would be unnecessary hurt and pain. i feel so terrible, i really didn't wanna mess it up with this guy. One of my friends thinks i should be honest with him and tell him. She says that it will eventually come out and that it would be better for him to hear it from me than someone else. Would it be worse if he somehow found out later?
fallendisguise Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I agree with anne1707. You made a mistake, that happens to the best of us when we drink. You aren't in an "exclusive" committed relationship with him yet and it doesn't sound like you have the intention of doing sleeping with anyone else again. So if you do tell him it could ruin something promising. Now, if you were exclusive and had been seeing him for a while or if you had the intent to continue seeing other ppl then I would say yes you should tell him. Just treat it as a lesson learned and move forward. Don't be too hard on yourself either.
D-Lish Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 No, I wouldn't say a word- not unless you want to lose the relationship. You are not exclusive with this guy yet, so you do not owe him an explanation about who else you are seeing in your free time. I'd get youself checked out for STI's though.
mr.dream merchant Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 in all honesty, i don't think i would want to know if he did the same thing, for me it would be unnecessary hurt and pain. i feel so terrible, i really didn't wanna mess it up with this guy. One of my friends thinks i should be honest with him and tell him. She says that it will eventually come out and that it would be better for him to hear it from me than someone else. Would it be worse if he somehow found out later? If that's how you would feel about him sleeping around then maybe you should tell him. I just want to say, this post is an excellent example of how stick a situation can get when you don't establish boundaries. Its clear you and this guy have some feelings beyond **** buddy level of relationship. If you care for him enough to feel bad about sleeping around, and you'd feel even worse if you found out he did, then its probably about that time you two talk about being exclusive. In situations like these, alot of people use the absence of the exclusivity talk as their queue to bang anyone they can before the talk happens even though in most cases, its clear that there's deeper feelings involved. These people, will tell you, don't say a word. But like I mentioned before, its obvious you really feel for this guy, so I say tell him. If you're feeling guilty about something you did, then there's probably good reason why.
Author maz97b Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 In situations like these, alot of people use the absence of the exclusivity talk as their queue to bang anyone they can before the talk happens even though in most cases, its clear that there's deeper feelings involved. These people, will tell you, don't say a word. But like I mentioned before, its obvious you really feel for this guy, so I say tell him. If you're feeling guilty about something you did, then there's probably good reason why. But if i tell him, won't that just ruin any chance i had with him?
Author maz97b Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 One word: NO! are you saying no i should tell him, or no it wouldn't ruin any chance i had with him?
terra Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I wouldn't tell him. If you were in a serious committed relationship then I think he would deserve to know but you aren't exclusive yet. Lesson learned!
SummerLady Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 in all honesty, i don't think i would want to know if he did the same thing, for me it would be unnecessary hurt and pain. i feel so terrible, i really didn't wanna mess it up with this guy. One of my friends thinks i should be honest with him and tell him. She says that it will eventually come out and that it would be better for him to hear it from me than someone else. Would it be worse if he somehow found out later? Here is my problem with not telling him. This relationship is starting off on the wrong foot. I understand why not to tell him. But my question is, how much do you "really" like him or have a great interest level in him if you did this? I know you were drunk but really think about this. I know we all make mistakes and this could be just that. However, take a look at this a tad deeper. If you think it was just a mistake and not a sign of anything else then do what you think is best. For me personally if I were to do this it would def mean I was not that interested and when I ignore the obvious is when I always get into trouble. But that is me. Only you know yourself enough to answer this question. Good Luck!!!
Lizzie60 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 are you saying no i should tell him, or no it wouldn't ruin any chance i had with him? I said NO.. do NOT tell him.. why ruin it..
Author maz97b Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 is it unfair to him though? I know we aren't exclusive yet, but isn't it kind of deceitful?
Lizzie60 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 is it unfair to him though? I know we aren't exclusive yet, but isn't it kind of deceitful? Then if you want to be fair.. tell him.. and lose him.. and move on.. simple as that.
Author maz97b Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Here is my problem with not telling him. This relationship is starting off on the wrong foot. I understand why not to tell him. But my question is, how much do you "really" like him or have a great interest level in him if you did this? I know you were drunk but really think about this. I know we all make mistakes and this could be just that. However, take a look at this a tad deeper. If you think it was just a mistake and not a sign of anything else then do what you think is best. For me personally if I were to do this it would def mean I was not that interested and when I ignore the obvious is when I always get into trouble. But that is me. Only you know yourself enough to answer this question. Good Luck!!! I know it was just a mistake, if i really wasn't interested in him i don't think i would care about this as much. But i don't want the relationship to be starting off on the wrong foot either.
BubblyPopcorn Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Technically you were not exclusive, but if you truly cared about the person you were dating and you felt that he was someone you wanted a relationship with, would you have slept with someone else while dating him, when the relationship is just starting to evolve? My guess would be no.
blaken Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If you were exclusive, yes. But if not, no. Maybe screwing up had the purpose of opening your eyes on what you want with the guy you're dating. You feel guilty so obviously he matters to you. I'd leave it at that, an eye opener (bad thing leading to a good one).
JadedHeart Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If you want to hide behind that exclusive bull ***** go ahead and don't tell him. You know better you're only asking to confirm what you want to do. Don't you owe it to him?
gopher Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Truthfully, I'd say not to tell him...but, what makes you think you won't do this to him when you are exclusive?...get drunk and sleep with some guy blaming on the alcohol?
Author maz97b Posted June 16, 2009 Author Posted June 16, 2009 We did become exclusive. So I've decided to tell him, the more I've gotten to know him the more amazing he is and everytime I'm with him the thought of what I did just eats at me. I'm prepared that he may end our relationship, he told me the other day that he didn't want to lose me and often tells me how excited he is about me. At the same time we talked about cheating and he said the it would be a deal breaker for him. Is there any chance he will forgive me? Or should I just expect this to be over?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 16, 2009 Posted June 16, 2009 You never know how he will react. I'm guessing he will not take it well. You hadn't established exclusivity, so he had no claim on you (and you none on him). However, I agree with BubblyPopcorn (lol @ name) that if you were really into him, it seems unlikely you would have had sex with someone else. If you found out he just had drunken sex with another woman, would you deduce that he must not care that much about you or be that into you? Cuz I would.
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