Exit Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 A 1.5 year relationship ended in April. Just over arguing too much and the usual stuff. She had 1 month left of school to finish at that point and I decided it would be best to give her that space, but still talked to her about once a week trying to repair things. Then she graduated and still didn't show much interest. We had one final long phone conversation where she told me she just didn't believe that I could make the changes I was offering to make, and it's been about 2 weeks since then. I sent her one last email, and at the very end of the email, I reminded her that she has a few of my things in her car that I really need back. I specifically in plain English told her not to hesitate, to hurry up and bring my stuff, because any hesitation would give me hope that she couldn't go through with this, or that I still had a chance. I also offered that she could just leave it outside my house without having to see me in person, just in case that was the reason she didn't want to do it, I'm not trying to trap her into a confrontation or anything. But 2 weeks later and I don't have my stuff. And it's having the exact affect I told her it would, it's making me feel like part of her can't leave me. Yes she has been very busy and there's a small possibility that she just hasn't thought about it, but she drives right past my neighborhood on the way to her job, and regardless of how many hours she's working, it takes 2 minutes to detour to my house and leave my belongings. I have been in No Contact since that email. I hate to give her the satisfaction of ME being the one to call or text again. But either way I feel like she has the power. Either I sit here waiting for my stuff and she's entirely in control of if/when she brings it to me, or I break NC and ask her for it again. Also I can't decide if I would want to slip her a short note when I see her, or if it would have more of an impact to take my stuff and quietly walk away without even trying to talk to her. Maybe I am already having some impact on her because she knows I want my things, yet I haven't been contacting her about it. I really want her back and I'm balancing right on the edge of still having hope, or finally moving on. Is she just screwing with me? Am I a fool for quietly waiting this long? Or is she literally trying to send the message that she isn't sure yet. I told her specifically that hesitating would make me think I have a chance.... Friends have told me that I'm putting too much thought into this, that if I show up one day to get my stuff back, it's not going to change the entire course of our fate, and if she was going to give me another chance she will regardless of if I get my stuff back. But on the other hand I feel like I'm "on a roll" with NC and maybe just letting that continue has the most effect. Buuut then I again feel like I'm still letting her have power over me, driving past my house each and every day with my stuff in her car and doesn't have the consideration to bring it back. As you can tell my mind is like a yo-yo.... I'm the type of person that regardless of what choice I make, if it doesn't have the desired effect, I'll regret it. If I see her and take my stuff and walk away without saying anything, if she never comes back I'll feel like "I should have given her a note or told her I cared one more time". If I give her a note or say something to her and she doesn't come back, I'll always feel like "I should have walked away and let her experience the fear that she lost me for good".
boogieboy Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Think of it this way. Forget your stuff. If you do NOT contact her, she will be thinking that you dont need her and you moved on. That gives YOU the power. This is what you want her to think. You did good with the NC so far, keep it up. If she calls you, dont pick up the phone. If you really dont need the stuff, and you know you wont be getting back together, not answering her will eat her up inside. Right now shes holding onto your stuff so she can get an ego boost. Its a sense of control, and if you keep calling her, she'll never bring the stuff back so you can keep calling. Keep away from her, dont answer calls, emails, or texts for at least a month, and she will come calling to see you, the excuse being to bring your stuff back. She has to know that its not important to you. See how that works? Sh*t I hate games.
Ronni_W Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Or she had already junked your stuff before she got your email asking for it back? Regardless, if the items are easily replaced, I'd just let them go. Forget about them. I'm not really seeing any signs for hope...even though you told her that you're going to cling to hope until you get your stuff back. Bit of a Catch-22 that you created for yourself with that strategy. Unfortunately I must agree with you: you ARE giving away your power to this situation...not only to her but also to your "stuff". You're gonna end up using that as the "reason" to keep contacting her and getting pissed off at her when she continues to ignore you and your request for your stuff. Breaking up sucks the big one. I'm sorry that you're going through it. Claim your power back...everything else is tough enough without added drama and feeling powerless.
Author Exit Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks guys. I do already know that MY only source of power is maintaining the NC thing, which is why I've been very hesitant to break it, even if just to get my stuff. Yes it is all replaceable, and I know part of me is just using it as an excuse to keep thinking about her. Even in breaking NC though, I thought it could still work, she'll think I'm texting to beg her again but when she opens her phone all it will say is "bring my stuff". Like I said it just feels like she wins either way. Months down the road she'll be able to look at my stuff in her car and realize that she never had to give it back. I don't think she junked it, it's CDs and stuff that she wanted to borrow in the first place. Could be worse, when she ended a relationship to be with me in the first place, the other guy was still paying her phone bill for a few months until she finally got her own phone plan. Obviously should have expected this behavior from her. If I ever desperately need the stuff I could communicate through her mother and have her treated like the child she is being and have her mother tell her that it's not nice to keep things that aren't yours. Unfortunately I do still want this relationship back in my life and am still suffering every day and I guess "the stuff" has been the focal point in my mind, the reason to keep thinking about it. But I feel okay now, my NC just needed a little "booster shot" and the urges have gone away now.
Author Exit Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Okay update time--- After discussing with a few family and friends I decided I needed to go get my things. I was using it as an excuse to think about her every day, and she clearly wasn't going to drop the stuff off any time soon. Some of it was worth a decent amount of money, I wasn't just going to let it go. I have been in NC for about 2 weeks now since the last email I sent her (where I reminded her to drop off my stuff). I knew she would be leaving to go to work today so I could wait outside and not even have to convince her to come out. Like I figured, she had a pretty pissy attitude and walked up and said "what". It took all my strength not to say something mean like "what the hell do you mean WHAT, where's my stuff". I simply said I'm here for my things. I grabbed stuff out of the trunk, then asked if she knew where my things were inside the car, or if it was too much of a mess. I noticed part of it on the passenger side floor so I went around and started to grab it. She said "can you just let me take care of it", meaning not today. Immediately this struck me as she is still hesitating and looking for an excuse to drag this out. I didn't bother to argue because she really did have to leave for work. But if she wanted to get this over with she could have waited 30 seconds until I got the very last of my things. It really seems like she is avoiding closure, both for herself and for me. I don't think she is sure yet. She had gotten in the car at this point but I asked her to step out for one more second and talk to me. I told her she was going to lose me. I was happy to wait for her this long and hope that she would come around, but this is it. I know I did things wrong in the relationship so I was willing to wait/suffer for a while. But I am moving on soon. I said I hope she is certain about the choice she is making, and I walked away. I think it went well. First of all, I hardly feel bad about breaking No Contact. It wasn't a stupid phone/text fight, I simply showed up to get my things because she was stalling and not taking care of it herself. She seemed very confused and couldn't even look at me while I talked. I know now that I have the strength to move on without her, and I am not all that incredibly concerned if she comes back, but I would not be surprised if she still has some thinking to do about this. I'm happy with what I was able to get back. I wonder if she really is going to give the rest of it back or if she's just going to avoid it again. But I can live without the rest. I of course am right back into NC, I don't even feel like I broke it. Oh-- and we ended up driving in the same direction, like I said she passes my house going to work every day. I was driving behind her but I decided I would turn early and take a different route home, that way she could experience me "leaving" instead of driving behind her for most of the way.
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