Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Like CB said, it doesn't matter if he's a shy guy. If he's interested, he'll still initiate, no matter how shy he is.
zhsoj Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Like CB said, it doesn't matter if he's a shy guy. If he's interested, he'll still initiate, no matter how shy he is. You keep telling yourself that
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I agree with SG... Shy guys might need encouragement, but shy doesn't mean passive. Shy might mean they're a bit insecure when it comes to dating, and in that, letting them take the lead, in my experience, is a lot more productive then doing all the work for them. Plus, shy guys do step up to the plate (and they're super-cute when they do too ... Can you tell my bf is a shy one???) Now, if someone is attracted to passive guys, that's whole other ball game. In my experience, both shy and confident guys can be passive, and it's never a good sign.
dreamergrl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I'm for sure not going to be doing any initiating, AFTER my sabbatical. I'm done with trying and attempting. If a guy wants me, he's gonna have to come and get it.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Kamille, based on what you've written about the man you're dating is that he's less of a shy guy and more a transitional/confused guy, who recently made the decision to be with you, albeit not in a committed relationship, rather than his already separated wife. He might also be a shy guy, but that's not the impression I've gotten. I could easily be wrong though, since I don't recall how the two of you got together. To me, he appears to be a lot of work. To you, you appear to be happy with this kind of non-commitment. I'm not trying to knock your guy, just expanding on what you've written. I think it matters, in the view to shy guys. Another member, prettybaby, has a shy guy. She's had to initiate everything, even after they entered into a relationship.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 To me, he appears to be a lot of work. To you, you appear to be happy with this kind of non-commitment. I'm not trying to knock your guy, just expanding on what you've written. I think it matters, in the view to shy guys. I guess I haven't updated since the earlier posts. We've now progressed to being in a serious relationship - he initiated- and I am very happy about this. I'm not sure I understand the links between our situation and his shyness. Yes he is shy, but he still knows what he wants. We met at a mutual friend's party. I walked in the room and only had eyes for him. I made sure to sit close to him and flashed him a smile the first chance I got. He came over to talk to me and the rest is history. edit: nevermind, I get it now! You were under the impression he was more of a confused/passive guy. Nope, confused passive guys aren't my cup of tea!
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I guess I haven't updated since the earlier posts. We've now progressed to being in a serious relationship - he initiated- and I am very happy about this. I'm not sure I understand the links between our situation and his shyness. Yes he is shy, but he still knows what he wants. We met at a mutual friend's party. I walked in the room and only had eyes for him. I made sure to sit close to him and flashed him a smile the first chance I got. He came over to talk to me and the rest is history. edit: nevermind, I get it now! You were under the impression he was more of a confused/passive guy. Nope, confused passive guys aren't my cup of tea!He's no shy guy if all you had to do is to flash a smile and have him come over and talk to you. Did you have to ask him out?
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 You keep telling yourself that I don't have to, it's proven itself to be true to me.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 He's no shy guy if all you had to do is to flash a smile and have him come over and talk to you. Did you have to ask him out? No, he asked me for my number and then called and asked me out. So... yeah, I could see how he doesn't qualify as a shy guy... I only realized later the he was indeed pretty shy. So, in my mind, he falls into that category of shy guys who will still do the first move given the right conditions (like say when a woman is standing right next to him at a party and flashes him a smile). And about the first date, it was pretty obvious to both of us on the night of the party that we had a lot in common and that we both liked each other. We talked and held hands most of the night (I don't remember who initiated the hand-holding - it just happened).
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Kamille, you're describing my BF to an extent. I definitely wouldn't call him shy, but he's a tad bit introverted and quiet until you get to know him. Like your guy, my BF still did all the initiating.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't see either one of your guys as shy guys. Leaning towards being introverts, sure, but not your stereotypical shy guys. A man doesn't have to be loud, to be aggressive in pursuit. There are many different styles of pursuit. I've met many a man who I would call alpha, who get the job done, whatever job it is and lead by example, who aren't blatant extroverts.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Kamille, you're describing my BF to an extent. I definitely wouldn't call him shy, but he's a tad bit introverted and quiet until you get to know him. Like your guy, my BF still did all the initiating. Exactly! Introverted and quiet. Do you, like me, find him all the more endearing for his introversion? BF is the one who pointed out that he was really shy. He said it was perticularly bad when he was growing up. I think he's learned how to deal with his shyness as his job required him to take on more and more responsibilities. My point is still this: shyness doesn't necessarily mean passivity. Most shy guys might need clear signals, but once they know a woman is interested, they can usually initiate.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't see either one of your guys as shy guys. Leaning towards being introverts, sure, but not your stereotypical shy guys. A man doesn't have to be loud, to be aggressive in pursuit. There are many different styles of pursuit. I've met many a man who I would call alpha, who get the job done, whatever job it is and lead by example, who aren't blatant extroverts. That's true... What would be a stereotypical shy guy's style of pursuit?
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 That's true... What would be a stereotypical shy guy's style of pursuit?Do nothing until she asks you out or overwhelms you with so much attention, you know it's a sure thing....if you ask her for coffee...or a walk...
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Do nothing until she asks you out or overwhelms you with so much attention, you know it's a sure thing....if you ask her for coffee...or a walk... ... and then take some more pressure away by asking her if she wants to "hang out and grab a cup or coffee or something." I get it! I guess, just as there different types of pursuit, there are different types of shy guys. To me, what you describe above isn't necessarily shyness so much as fear of rejection. But no matter what, we both agree that when confronted to anyone who might fall into the shy guy category, you need to overwhelm them with attention (or, if all fails, ask them out).
Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't see either one of your guys as shy guys. Leaning towards being introverts, sure, but not your stereotypical shy guys. A man doesn't have to be loud, to be aggressive in pursuit. There are many different styles of pursuit. I've met many a man who I would call alpha, who get the job done, whatever job it is and lead by example, who aren't blatant extroverts. Yeah, I suppose you're right. He's got a sort of quiet strength, but I'd still consider him an alpha.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Yeah, I suppose you're right. He's got a sort of quiet strength, but I'd still consider him an alpha. I guess my point is that ALL guys, deep down, think of themselves as being Alphamales. What we see on here on LS are guys frustrated that no girls pay any attention to their alpha-side. In that sense, letting guys take the lead also allows them to conceive of themselves as alphas. The same way, I'm guessing most women in love with their BF would likely feel that they're alpha. The basic dynamic of a successful relationship is based on being blown away by the other person and what they bring to the table.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I guess my point is that ALL guys, deep down, think of themselves as being Alphamales. What we see on here on LS are guys frustrated that no girls pay any attention to their alpha-side. In that sense, letting guys take the lead also allows them to conceive of themselves as alphas.Victims...[/pet peeve rant over] The same way, I'm guessing most women in love with their BF would likely feel that they're alpha.Possibly, although leading solely in hearth and home, isn't what I would term as alpha. The basic dynamic of a successful relationship is based on being blown away by the other person and what they bring to the table.Yes, mutually believing the other is the cat's meow. IMO and IME, you also need to understand what drives you. Entering into relationships willy-nilly, can cause a lot of heartache on both sides of the equation.
shadowplay Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 The same way, I'm guessing most women in love with their BF would likely feel that they're alpha. I agree, given the negative connotations "beta" has acquired on this board. Nobody likes to think of somebody they love as "beta," because it suggests weakness. There's a streak of superiority among people who proudly describe themselves as "alpha" that I find irritating. One personality isn't better than they other; they're just different. I have been guilty of using this dichotomy in the interest of getting a point across, but in reality most people are a combination of both. My last bf was a perfect example. He was an extrovert who had no problem getting the job done when he needed to. But he was also passive and shy around certain people, because his parents put such a burden on him growing up that he had trouble setting boundaries. That said, he did the asking out. It really depends on the individual. Most people are shy in some circumstances but not in others, reliant on their formative experiences.
Chicago_Guy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 yep... no more chasing for this girl! the one time... that I can remember anyways... um , the last guy... anyways! it backfired on me. Initially it was him pursuing me, but that quickly turned around and I found myself way more into him than he was with me.... and I got burned. Next time I'm going to make sure the guy is more into me before I can even start seeing myself with him. While I think it's definitely okay to flirt a little and show I'm interested, the rest is up to the guy to "chase" me. No games, that's just how I'm "wired"... So you chased a guy and somehow "got burned" because you were into him way more than he was into you? That happens to guys all of the time! Are guys supposed to be able to handle this better than women?
EddieN Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 So you chased a guy and somehow "got burned" because you were into him way more than he was into you? That happens to guys all of the time! Are guys supposed to be able to handle this better than women? Good post. I consider myself pretty shy around girls, but I will initiate, as long as the girl gives me good signals. If she's welcoming and smiles at me then I have no problem asking her out. If she's more stand-offish then I will most likely assume she isn't interested and stop pursuing before I ask her out.
39388 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Like CB said, it doesn't matter if he's a shy guy. If he's interested, he'll still initiate, no matter how shy he is. Most of the time. I was too afraid to ask out a woman no matter how much I wanted it until recently.
zhsoj Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't have to, it's proven itself to be true to me. Just think of all the guys that probably never approached you...
Author Isolde Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 Kamille, yeah, it's the encouraging guys to ask me out that seems to elude me. When I'm attracted to a guy, all I can do is panic and think of how he must be taken. TBF, though you let him pursue, you did encourage your fiance to ask you out, by asking him to the party. And wow, it's a good thing you did Anyway, your experience proves what Kamille said. You still gotta give the green light. Shadow, "most people are shy in some circumstances but not others, reliant on their formative experiences." This is so true it's not even funny.
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I still think that there are men that are so shy and passive, they are never going to ask a girl out, no matter how much they like her. If you have read prettybaby's posts, where she had to ask her bf out, then call him first after the dates 1 and 2 (she waited over a week both times and he didn't contact her at all) and initiate the first kiss after about 2 months because he didn't make a move. Now he seems to be in love with her.
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