Isolde Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Just curious, how many of you girls made a conscious decision to "stop chasing"? Did you end up getting more (or better) dates in the end? I've never really been aggressive, but I have made the first move in more situations than I would have liked. And it never worked (more likely incompatibility than because I made the first move, but still). I know it worked for Kamille. And so far, it seems to be working for me too. No dates, but I feel much better when I don't even consider chasing an option. I will smile, flirt, etc, and in some cases I may say hi or make very small talk first, but that's all. And no, I'm not interested in following the Rules or any such nonsense. I just feel that even on a psychological level, not initiating works better for many, many women.
tkgirl Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Just curious, how many of you girls made a conscious decision to "stop chasing"? Did you end up getting more (or better) dates in the end? I've never really been aggressive, but I have made the first move in more situations than I would have liked. And it never worked (more likely incompatibility than because I made the first move, but still). I know it worked for Kamille. And so far, it seems to be working for me too. No dates, but I feel much better when I don't even consider chasing an option. I will smile, flirt, etc, and in some cases I may say hi or make very small talk first, but that's all. And no, I'm not interested in following the Rules or any such nonsense. I just feel that even on a psychological level, not initiating works better for many, many women. yep... no more chasing for this girl! the one time... that I can remember anyways... um , the last guy... anyways! it backfired on me. Initially it was him pursuing me, but that quickly turned around and I found myself way more into him than he was with me.... and I got burned. Next time I'm going to make sure the guy is more into me before I can even start seeing myself with him. While I think it's definitely okay to flirt a little and show I'm interested, the rest is up to the guy to "chase" me. No games, that's just how I'm "wired"...
loser101 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Im not sure how you define chasing. Sure the obvious one is when you initiate all the contact. Is there any other definition?
MineThatBird Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 When it comes to the thrill of the chase, men who generally approach women have options on top of options because they do it well and do it often. To tell you the truth, exchanging contact info. with a potential candidate isn't difficult or time consuming as some would think (1-2 minutes max). You really believe men will lose their marbles over a missed opportunity at the bakery or market? If you don't want to chase a man, that's no problem because I can understand that. How does initiating contact/ making the first move mean you're pursuing somebody? I'm glad you've found something that works for you; a solution isn't just one size-fits-all because some people visiting LS can be especially impressionable. By not initiating contact, you might of just let go of that guy who liked you, but was too shy to say so. Think about it.
Author Isolde Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 By not initiating contact, you might of just let go of that guy who liked you, but was too shy to say so. Think about it. That's what everyone worries about, but realistically, I think when women like a guy and feel a sense of urgency to initiate contact with him, it tends to backfire in the worst way. I can't explain it properly... like, when women initiate it's usually because there's something about the guy that they're already crushing on, whereas when men initiate, it might just be as a passing thought. Since women tend to take initiating more "seriously," it usually doesn't turn out well. Again, I'm not averse to saying "hi" first.
Cora Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I find this to be so true. I just recently made a concious decision to stop chasing. I no longer initiate conversation with the guy I am talking to/seeing. He no longer gets a text, call or IM from me. The only way is if he does so first and most of the time like today I don't get back to him too quickly. It has gone from not hearing from him for a week to him texting me out of the blue to say hey lets try to go out this weekend etc.. He has contacted me three out of the last five days since I have stopped the chasing which is good considering how it used to be. Also before when he would say he would get back to me if he was free on a certain day to go out......I would be the one contacting him to say hey just wondering if we were still on for tonight etc.. Well no more! He contacted me again today apologizing for having to work today and he has never apologized before. Before I would get so scared and say oh well if I don't initiate he may lose interest or think i'm not all that interested. But now I let him do all the initiating and the chasing. He makes all the plans and I just sit back and say yeah whatever until I see proof that he is making an effort. So yeah I think this works.
EddieN Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Before I would get so scared and say oh well if I don't initiate he may lose interest or think i'm not all that interested. But now I let him do all the initiating and the chasing. He makes all the plans and I just sit back and say yeah whatever until I see proof that he is making an effort. So yeah I think this works. Sorry, but I think this is a bit silly. If I was the only one calling a girl and she wasn't making any effort and just saying "whatever," then I would assume she isn't that enthusiastic about me and my effort would drop off. It's hard to show your interest for someone. At least make it a bit easier and show some interest back instead of seeming indifferent towards the guy.
Author Isolde Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Folks, I'm talking about initiating a relationship, not behaviour within one.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I have to say yes on this one. I always thought that I would rather be the guy in dating because I would rather be in control of approaching, etc. I can take rejection and I would rather be able to go after something if I want it. After all, that is what I do with the rest of my life! Sadly, though, as a woman, I know that in most cases it is better to let the men take the lead. I let them know, subtly, that I am available, but I do not initiate. Here's an example. A couple of years ago I met a man. Tall, broad shoulders, dark hair, blue eyes, incredibly handsome man. I was very attracted to him and we had immediate chemistry. I saw him periodically through my work, but not all that often. I felt that he made hints about doing things together, but he never really made the move. I thought maybe he was afraid because of our mutual positions at work, so one day I kind of made it known that I was interested. I didn't ask him out, but I was definitely more aggressive than usual. He called me, but then when I called him back he never returned the call. Later he asked me to do something but then backed out. Warning signs!!!!! I didn't listen because he was just SO DARN HOT. Eventually he told me that he was interested in me but he was having some mental health issues. He had been dealing with depression. We went out on one super long date, had a great time, he told me he was going to call me within the next couple of days, and then I didn't hear from him for two weeks. In my experience if a guy is really interested they make it happen. Don't make excuses for them. My current bf is pretty shy. He asked me out even though we have the same work situation that I had with the other guy. It took a lot for him to do it, but he really wanted to, so he did.
Cora Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Folks, I'm talking about initiating a relationship, not behaviour within one. Oopse!!! Okay, well in that case nevermind then LOL
Cora Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Okay, I think I'm just confused now. I'm not in a relationship or trying to initiate one. Just casually dating. Either way sorry for the confusion.
Author Isolde Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I always thought that I would rather be the guy in dating because I would rather be in control of approaching, etc. I can take rejection and I would rather be able to go after something if I want it. After all, that is what I do with the rest of my life! Sadly, though, as a woman, I know that in most cases it is better to let the men take the lead. Yes, yes, yes! It's funny, really. I love being a woman in every way but this one. And what you said about your now-bf is true. If guys really want to date you they will ask.
EddieN Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Now I'm wondering something. Even if a woman won't initiate anything (approaching a guy, asking him out, etc) will she still show signs of interest? Like, if she see's a guy she likes looking and smiling at her, will she purposely not look back or turn away? I ask because when I see a girl do this I assume that she's NOT interested and doesn't want to think about me looking or smiling. Sometimes if we're walking and I want to start a conversation with a girl she might open up her cell phone and make a call. Is this another way to get away? I mean, I understand a girl not approaching a guy, but will she go so far to look not welcoming to him?
Author Isolde Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Eddie, no, it's more about who asks for a phone number or asks for a date, then about who smiles or says hi first. We girls aren't trying to play games here!
refurb Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I find this to be so true. I just recently made a concious decision to stop chasing. I no longer initiate conversation with the guy I am talking to/seeing. He no longer gets a text, call or IM from me. Wow, I stopped dating a girl this summer because of the lack of her initiating contact. Nothing screams "I'm not interested" more than not putting in any effort. RF
EddieN Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't mean to make a spin-off about my situation in your thread, but hearing a girl's POV just made me think. So, if you saw a guy you liked then you would look at him and would smile if he looked at you? See, I rarely get that, and when I do it's usually with girls I'm not attracted to. There have probably been hundreds of girls I have been attracted to that I tried to make eye contact with and smile at, but they would never return it. That's why I wonder if girls will avoid that and will just wait for the guy to approach.
39388 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Eddie, no, it's more about who asks for a phone number or asks for a date, then about who smiles or says hi first. We girls aren't trying to play games here! What about after you ask for the number and call? There are some around here who encouage intentionally not answering and waiting a long time to get back. This confuses me.
Author Isolde Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I don't mean to make a spin-off about my situation in your thread, but hearing a girl's POV just made me think. So, if you saw a guy you liked then you would look at him and would smile if he looked at you? See, I rarely get that, and when I do it's usually with girls I'm not attracted to. There have probably been hundreds of girls I have been attracted to that I tried to make eye contact with and smile at, but they would never return it. That's why I wonder if girls will avoid that and will just wait for the guy to approach. I can't speak for all women, but I will smile at a guy I am attracted to. I may look down out of shyness afterwards; I'm not gonna give him the stare of death for five minutes.
Author Isolde Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 What about after you ask for the number and call? There are some around here who encouage intentionally not answering and waiting a long time to get back. This confuses me. I'm not advocating that kind of behavior. I'm advocating letting the guy make the first actual "move," where interest is clear, vs. just flirting back and forth.
zhsoj Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 And no, I'm not interested in following the Rules or any such nonsense. I just feel that even on a psychological level, not initiating works better for many, many women. Works better for this guy as well. "An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind" - Gandhi
Mermaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Just curious, how many of you girls made a conscious decision to "stop chasing"? Did you end up getting more (or better) dates in the end? oh yeah it totally works. in fact if i WANT a guy to stay away for a bit Ill come on strong so he'll be temporarily taken aback from pursuing me. then when i totally vanish their interest is piqued.
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I wish I was a guy too when it comes to dating. I have no problem with approaching first or making the first move, be it sexual or just initiating contact and asking a guy out. I have to hold back though for the fear of appearing desparate. The problem is that guys that ask me out are usually not my type so I would much prefer to do the choosing. It sucks that as a girl you have to wait for someone else to make the move and you don't have all that much control of a situation. Imagine how much easier it would be if after a date with a guy, you can just pick up the phone and call rather than the agonizing wait by the phone for days on end. Sadly, it generally doesn't work out well if girls initiate as they are somehow seen as if they are of "lower value". Having said all that, I would still make the first move if I am REALLY into a guy and I knew that he is single. Basically if he does nothing and you do nothing, you will end up with nothing. If he does nothing and you do something, there is a chance (however small) of ending up with something. Sometimes all you need is a foot in the door and everything else is down to compatibility.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Part of the psychology of the chase dynamic is personality type. If you're a woman who prefers shy, passive men, you can't rely on them to pursue. The two of you could wait it out into eternity.If you prefer a more aggressive man, then yes, this should be your style but you have to be patient about it.In scenario #2, you have to stand still and wait for him to come to you. This includes giving him the green light when he initiates. If you pursue a more aggressive man, more times than not, he'll back right off. I swear it's a control thing! And yes, #2 is my kind of guy! What I see a lot of on LS, are women who pursue more aggressive men. Or shy women sitting back with shy guys.
Kamille Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I know it worked for Kamille. And so far, it seems to be working for me too. No dates, but I feel much better when I don't even consider chasing an option. I will smile, flirt, etc, and in some cases I may say hi or make very small talk first, but that's all. Cool! I'm glad you're getting into the groove of it. It gets easier, and in time it gave me more confidence so that I could be bolder with men. Basically, I'm getting better at encouraging men to ask me out. I wish I was a guy too when it comes to dating. I have no problem with approaching first or making the first move, be it sexual or just initiating contact and asking a guy out. I have to hold back though for the fear of appearing desparate. The problem is that guys that ask me out are usually not my type so I would much prefer to do the choosing. It sucks that as a girl you have to wait for someone else to make the move and you don't have all that much control of a situation. Imagine how much easier it would be if after a date with a guy, you can just pick up the phone and call rather than the agonizing wait by the phone for days on end. I still feel like I choose... For some reason, the quality of men that hit on me increased once I stoppped chasing and just went about getting to know the men around me for who they were. If I really like a guy - like say the guy I'm dating now - I will smile at him, flirt with him, joke with him. I find doing this much easier now that I've decided I would never do the "first move" ever again. It lets the guy know I think he's cute and if never asks me out, I'll just assume he's got his own valid reasons that have very little to do with who I am. I've even caught myself telling a guy who flirted with me on every occasion he could: "What I don't understand is why you have yet to ask me out". Needless to say, he asked me out after that. I agree with TBF's distinctions, and I myself like type 2 types of men, but I would argue that even shy men like to feel like "they're the man". The trick with shy men is letting them know you think they're "hot" so that they actually have the guts to ask you out.
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I agree with TBF's distinctions, and I myself like type 2 types of men, but I would argue that even shy men like to feel like "they're the man". The trick with shy men is letting them know you think they're "hot" so that they actually have the guts to ask you out. I'm sure this works, although you have to then decide, if after they do initiate, how far will they take it? This is a lot of work, in that shy guys might get up the guts to initially pursue but how passive will they be beyond that? Know your own personality, before deciding what you want. For myself, beyond the initial spark of interest, pursuit and interest, generate interest in me. I need consistency. Push/pull dynamics drive me batty. So, what drives you, ladies? Then decide on what kind of guy you want. Now, after all this, with my fiance, it was kind of funny if you think about it. He initially approached by helping me. Then I had my friends invite him to our annual NYE bash, where it's an open invite for friends of friends. He immediately got my number from my friends and took it to a more personal level. From there, he was consistently aggressive, not overly-so, just enough to drive it continuously forward. If the above is too aggressive for you, then you might want a more passive man, one you have to work, to get his interest.
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