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Relationship Problems. Thoughts? (long)


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hi i am a 24 year old male. i am from the US but live in bolivia now. i have had a very hard time sorting out my thoughts on this because it is my first relationship (besides hookers), and also because i don't have friends i can talk to here.

 

(i did not proof read). please share with me your thoughts. It is long. Is it boring? Anyway, here it is...

 

So a year ago I had never had a girlfriend before. I was struggling with that PUA stuff, to practice and get good with girls. Improving that skill, and achieving something was one of my main goals. Then I met a girl through a friend. I put any effort into seeing her, or even answer her phone calls. Then on the day I was to leave Bolivia I was hanging out with my friend, who answered the phone when she called, and told her to come to my room to see me off in the night. That was something I would have never done before but it worked so easily, although this point is incidental and besides the story, and I can barely remember how I thought about girls beforehand.

 

She came to my room and we made out on my bed and stuff, and I flew home. Then I came back to Bolivia in a couple of months. I called her up but I couldn't get her to have sex immediately so lost interest. A couple of months passed and I got plane tickets to go home. And I figured, what the hell, if she wants me to ask her to be my girlfriend for us to have sex, why not? I was already 23 years old, and had waited for a good situation long enough, and she knew I was going to the US in a couple weeks. She was pretty, 19 years old, and she lived in the city by herself both working and going to university which I admired. She was also poor, I guess at the time I idealized poverty, or at the very least, was in Bolivia to involve my life in poverty. We had sex and I left.

 

A few months later I came back to Bolivia and called her up and we began our lives together. I went to her house on the outskirts of the city and passed the time with her as well as her cousin and her cousin's fiancee, and then we slept together in her room. After a couple of weeks she started acting differently. She grabbed my phone and looked to see if I had called any girls. She insisted I was talking to other girls. She said that my different colored socks were ridiculous and I was a clown. It came on after time, and gradually. I figured she was joking at first. She said I was just using her for sex.

 

Looking back on the stuff that happened 8 months ago I can only guess as to what I was thinking and how I could have let it continue. She kept saying wild stuff and it escalated until she hit me for no reason. I didn't want to hit her and held her down and she went absolutely bezerk. I said I was going to leave her. She locked me in her room. At the time I figured if I wanted to leave the room and get to the street and get a cab, I would have to knock her unconcious which I didn't want to do. We passed the night with her crying and screaming and in hysterics.

 

Ah I remember now. She had a split personality. One moment she was crazy. Then twenty minutes passed and she cried and was repetent. However, if she didn't get everything she wanted when she cried (more control over me), she went crazy again. So I lied to her to calm her. But somewhere in the mess, I actually did forgive her. Maybe I thought I could reason with her. I felt bad for her. And I like to be liked. I don't think I was actually afraid to be alone, (I have always been alone).

 

We had those fun nights a few times with the variation that they escalated. Everytime she had a different and worse problem and I couldn't leave her... I had met her family and they would think she was a slut if I left her so quickly. She was sick. She fainted. I wanted to help her. I think I thought I could make her a normal person and make her life better. This continued for a couple of months. I hate drama, and am unemotional and easy going. She said "i'm not one for fights, i can't live like this." And I took her at her word but I guess she actually lived to fight.

 

In retrospect the way I acted is the weakest and most pathetic part of my life.

 

I went to the United States. She begged forgiveness for everything bad she had done. She said she hadn't wanted to do it, and that she wanted to be a good person and treat me well. That she loved me. She didn't act like she loved me. She did feel bad about how she treated me about half the time. But the other half the time she was a devil. It was emotional trickery carried out at the most devout level. I could never tell if she was actually a good person deep down, or a bad one, or if it was just meaningless and there was no bottom.

 

A few months later when I returned to Bolivia I called her. In retrospect I don't know why, but at the time it was obvious.

 

We kept fighting. She treated me better but I didn't want to fight at all and tried leaving her. She was constantly elevating the level of her problems. She had fainting spells when we fought and she said her heart hurt and she couldn't breath. Yet she refused to let me take her to a good doctor. She said she didn't want me spending money on her. To her credit, she never asked me for money and often refused when I offered to help her with food, school, transportation, etc.

 

I lied to her cause she was in my bed, crying, fainting, couldn't breath, and said her heart hurt. She said she was all alone in the city with no good friends and no family. That is a topic in itself, but in her case it was true, and more generally speaking people in Bolivia are bad people.

 

There was also the problem of her "malleantes." Someone was trying to kill her, quite literally. She worked as a secretary and one day her food was poisoned. She took one bite of her fried chicken and she vomitted and had a bulge in the vein in her wrist the size of a dime. Another day a car waited by her house, and when she arrived, tried to run her over.

 

I tried to leave her perhaps a full ten times. Then all of these problems came up and she begged forgiveness and said she would change. It's not like she didn't give anything to me. Half the time she was a good girlfriend and wanted to be the best, and she was my first girlfriend, she had given me (an alone foreigner) a lot. I didn't believe a person could be so bad or foolish.

 

The last time I tried breaking up with her differently. From experience I knew how things went everytime. So I called her mother up and said Alejandra was sick, and depressed and all alone in the city. That I was leaving her and thought she needed help and asked her mother to come into the city. She told me she couldn't come. So I asked her brother who was in the city (her brother and cousin, her only family there), and his brother said he'd help me and her.

 

Instead of her mother coming to the city to support her daughter, she called Alejandra up and called her a slut and that it served her right I didn't want to be with her. Her brother told her that she was an embarrment to him. I know because she came to my house and tried ripping up my passport, punched me, and screamed and said her life was ruined. I held her down until she calmed down. She repented and cried and cried and fainted. It broke my heart that she was alone and her family acted that way.

 

For the last couple of months we really has changed. We never fight like we used to. Now she understands that its not my fault, I tried to help her, and that she has anger and depression problems. I wanted that understanding all along, but it isn't everything I imagined it was. She doesn't try to control every single thing I do like she used to, though she does have a controlling nature. But she has changed every part of her person in a radical way so that our relationship will work. Because she felt guilty, because she needs me, because she loves me. The other day she said that if I wanted another girl I should tell her because she wanted the best for me.

 

All I care about is playing soccer. I am so sick of Bolivia, and so tired after playing my sports that I don't care to do much and especially not anything social. So Alejandra comes to my house every day and cleans and makes us food, I read a book, we lie in bed or go to a restaurant. She kind of gets it that I am just in Bolivia for soccer and not for her. Some of the time it can put her in a bad mood, but most of the time she is caring and sweet and a good girlfriend.

 

But I don't care, I have just continued because of intertia and it works out okay for me. Some of the time I like kissing her and having sex and hanging out with her. More rare are the moments when I don't want to, but we do anyway, and I feel it is poison for me. Most of the time I am happy to be with her. But whenever she is in a bad mood my mind quickly thinks of breaking up with her. I am not afraid of being alone, I am pretty sure I want to be alone. Yet the idea of breaking up with her is hard and I am weak to do it and I still don't understand well.

 

I am pretty sure if I broke up with her now she wouldn't go crazy. At this point if she went crazy again I might just kick her out on the street by herself, which is dangerous here. But then again I thought that before and never could, and she has tried so hard the last couple of months. I don't know what she would do. I'm not sure if she would actually let me be or if she is still too weak for it. Maybe she would break down. She talks frequently of moving to another city or even country and starting over again. She is probably too weak to succeed at that.

 

I think about it now and I know I wanted a couple of things. I wanted to immerse myself in Bolivia, to experience everything in life. I have accomplished the first and learned that the second is foolish. But I suppose it was my goal. It has definitly been the hardest year of my life, though I don't think it has broken me quite yet. I am still in the middle of my conundrums, or perhaps closer to the end?

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