NC versus gritting your teeth

[jj33]

Thanks. I am seriously second guessing myself.

 

Did I handle it wrong. Did I blindside him with my decision. Should I have discussed it with him first rather than just telling his company and informing him later. I feel pretty bad about that. It also reflects poorly in the eyes of those I told - I mean its not like he threatened me with bodily harm. I could have given him the courtesy of notice or presenting the change to them himself.

 

If someone did that to me they would be dead to me. And while I want NC I dont want to feel like I played dirty. Now you could say I had little choice as he would have deflected and it could have been weeks until we were able to properly discuss it. But its still not nice.

 

It was more severe than it needed to be. Its decidedly unfair to him but after bottling up all the pain and frustration of our dealings, I reached my saturation point and blew up. And that is never good

[Ronni_W]

I dont work with them directly so I dont know what he will or wont say to people,

My best guess would be that he's not stupid. He IS a whole lot of other things, but not stupid. The more he says, and the longer he keeps this an 'active and open' topic within his firm and in external professional circles, the more he will be hanging himself, so to speak. I can't imagine he'd be that stupid.

But you do know him best, JJ -- can you really envision him ranting and whining about it to others, for the foreseeable future? Or could it be that you're more beating up on yourself because you're second guessing/feeling guilty about how you handled it?

 

Should I have discussed it with him first rather than just telling his company and informing him later. ...I could have given him the courtesy of notice or presenting the change to them himself.

If I recall your other posts accurately, you've been doing that for two years without success -- he's always been able to "help you" change your mind about wanting and needing much less contact with him in your business dealings with his company.

 

For two years, HE has been unfair to YOU, and playing dirty, and treating your needs and wants with disdain and discourtesy. He's always known exactly which buttons to push, to most effectively manipulate, guilt and scare you into being and doing what and how HE wanted.

 

How you did it this time was your conscious or unconscious last-ditch effort to both free yourself from his (emotional) tyranny and protect yourself from further psychological harm. It was not "more severe" than necessary. It was "perfectly severe" because it was necessary. He is just facing the consequences of HIS OWN manipulative and bullying tactics.

 

Yes, you are also facing the consequences of your lack of assertiveness over the past two years but that's nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. It was what it was. And then you decided to act in YOUR OWN best interest instead of his. That is a GOOD THING!!! You finally saved yourself.

 

JJ, you did a good thing for yourself. In context of how you've both been doing it the past two years, this outcome was more-or-less inevitable. Unfortunate but inevitable. Sad but inevitable. Kind of, yes?

 

[so] At this point, you can as easily celebrate that you finally did what you've been needing to do, and you did it in the only way that was left for you to do! And I certainly will celebrate with you

[Owl]

I can't speak for Owl and I certainly don't possess his wisdom.

 

But NC has one and only one purpose: detox.

 

You can't quit smoking by hanging out in the smoking lounge.

 

And if you don't detox...you, and I quote, "...struggle with it for 2 years". Save yourself that daily struggle, the daily stress, the daily heartache, the daily "roll your eyes", the daily temptation...and go NC. Its about the OW/OM/WS saving themselves from themselves. Spare yourself the pain of carrying that burden.

 

So NC is the answer. Its the common answer given here and in infidelity. It absolutely ends the A. It allows for true healing to begin. Yes...it has sometimes astronomically high prices such as quitting work, weeks of anxiety and withdrawal, and God knows what else.

 

But it saves you two years of sh*t dealing with the "other". And that is the goal...end the A, heal and move forward.

 

I maintain that the path of immediate NC is EASIER than dragging it out over whatever period of time.

 

I'm sorry you are in this position JJ.

 

And, fwiw, I am proud of you. It takes real courage. No matter what happens in your life and however important this digital ink is...I have more respect for you now.

 

I don't know about your comment that you "don't have his wisdom"...all I have is a bit of common sense.

 

You've clearly got that in spades, my friend.

 

What you've spelled out is exactly what I would have said.

 

The purpose of NC is to let you "get over him".

 

And the fact that JJ hasn't completely "gotten over him" in two years simply points out why NC needs tobe in place in order to heal from an affair. She's maintained limited contact with him all this time...and her feelings for him never faded...as a result of that limited contact.

 

She never "detoxed".

 

His anger at this point isn't surprising...because HE never "detoxed" either!

 

So...the emotions are running just as high today at the start of NC as they would have two years ago.

 

All I can really recommend at this point is to do damage control to prevent MM from ruining your career and business...and make it clear to him that what he's doing will NOT work...and that all you want at this point is for him to be out of your life.

[jasminetea]

Being professional does not mean being able to handle the emotional elements of your life without it impacting on your work, but it does mean recognising when they do impact and doing something to improve the situation. In this case, you have taken the most sensible and completely appropriate route by requesting that someone who is having a negative impact on your business remains outside your life.

 

This will pay off long term. Even if there is a short term problem, the results will speak for themselves.

[Spark1111]

Owl, once again, SPOT ON!

 

Neither detoxed because there had remained limited contact for two years. JJ initiated, and he is enraged and punitive.

 

This is EXACTLY what happens in so many situations after DDAy. Like it or not, he has been "outed." While his spouse didn't care, he now has to save face among his colleagues.

 

After my DDAy, by WS had to blame me, justify his arrogance, broadcast it to the world. Just out of his head. It took months of detoxing from the affair fog to even realize the lunacy of his hurtful actions and statements.

 

JJ, hang tough. Weather this storm and you will be better for it. Sorry it was a two-year delay on the messy aftermath. This too will pass.

 

Put a back bone on that smile and some grip in your handshake. Do your job to the best of your abilities. In time, your professional contacts may come to realize who was acting with greater rationality. And even if they do not, your work must continue to speak for itself.I know you can do this.

[jj33]

Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot to me.

[Owl]

Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot to me.

 

You say that now...wait til you get my bill!

[jj33]

Ronni thanks that was very very well put.

 

I think he will say little. He is not stupid and he does not want to hurt me.

 

I am feeling very guilty about how I handled it but you are right, it was probably a last-ditch effort. What we did worked about 90% of the time, but the other 10% was very challenging.

 

And I cant speak for him but I wasnt detaching the way I need to.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, JJ.

I know it wasn't working for you the past two years. You did your best to make it work for the both of you but that was actually a 2-person job -- it also needed HIM to do his best; to be considerate, compassionate and fair...and that never happened.

 

I know only a mentally challenged person would say, "don't feel guilty". But, JJ...er, don't feel guilty . There really are no facts to support your guilt -- beliefs, perceptions, emotions and guesses, yes, but no hard facts, no evidence, no proof. And if the facts don't fit, you must acquit!

[jj33]

Thanks. I am disappointed in myself because I think it is disloyal. Not just because of our history but it would be unforgivable with any persons with whom you do business.

 

You just dont go over someones head like that to complain about them unless they are threatening you with fraud or bodily harm or something really serious. Which was not the case here. But what is done is done.

 

Thanks again.

[jj33]

I keep telling myself that this is for the best.

 

That the business will get done differently but it will get done.

 

Its really weird not being in touch with him. He was like my unofficial business partner.

 

I am feeling so lost not being in touch with him.

 

Its a big void.

[Owl]

The fact that he was like your unofficial business partner is a contributing factor as to why he felt that he could dictate things to you. He felt like he had some tacit control over your business...and over you.

 

When you stopped allowing him to take that role, he got anry.

 

Keep your chin up and your eyes forward...you'll get through all of this.

[jj33]

Thanks I am sure it will be fine too. Its easier than I thought it would be. I guess I was just ready.