jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Im feeling really stupid and lame about needing NC after all this time. And I know some people would say dont let them see you sweat dont let them know they have gotten to you. But if it means having the MP in your life, isnt admitting that you cant handle it better. I struggled with it for 2 years. I cant see putting myself through the pain anymore. So he knows that I am still in love with him. So he told his colleagues I am needy and emotional and they agree. Is it really still better to be in NC? Owl you have always been a proponent. I finally took your advice. I could use some support that this is better for whatever reason even tho everyone thinks I am foolish.... and needy and I am totally humiliated. How is this better? And for those of you who dont know my background there is no BS here so its not a matter of what about the BS, I think she misses me in his life she had him off her hands there for awhile.
StoptheDrama Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 The purpose of NC is to break free and move on. If that is not what YOU want, then don't do it. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you. Who cares if 'everyone' thinks you're foolish or needy? Let's face it - all of us who became OW are/were needy on some level. Otherwise we would not have gotten involved with men who could offer us so little and we would not have been so willing to settle for it. YOU decide your fate, no one else can do it for you. If you truly want to break free, then stick with No Contact. I know how hard it is; I've always caved in the past with my xMM but this time I'm doing everything in my power not to fall back into it.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 I already did it. I asked for it a few days ago. But the price I am paying is very high in terms of my professional reptutation Im already regretting it but its too late. You cant unring a bell...
lovekillsslowly Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I can understand what you're going through. It's one of those situations where "you're miserable with him and you're miserable without him." Kind of like the saying "men...you can't live with them and you can't live without them." I had gone NC for a couple of weeks and then broke down and called my xMM because I simply missed talking to him on the phone. We were friends before six years before we ever became involved with each other for 10 months. So for the past two weeks we talked almost daily on the phone...laughed...and just enjoyed visiting about our everyday life events. Then one day last week for whatever reason I got to feeling lonely, miserable, wanting more with him than just a 15 minute daily phone call and basically hating my life and I have spent this weekend wishing I would of stuck with NC like I did back in May. Who knows what this coming week will bring in regards to my mood and emotions. If I will answer the phone or not when he calls....if I will call him or not.... I do know that I feel a lot less anxiety in my life when I am maintaining NC. I know he's not going to call. I know I'm not going to call him. And I feel in control of my emotions when I'm doing NC. But the loneliness...the not getting to be myself....having to put on a fake smile and act like my life is just wonderful....that's what makes me break NC time and time again. It's a b**ch of a decision that's for sure. And unfortunately you win and lose in whatever choice you make. If you choose to maintain a friendship you win because you still get to talk to your xMM and after everything you've been through together and have experienced together that would be hard to not have anymore...but you lose in regards to looking weak and needy and allowing them to have the best of both worlds...their life with the W and the emotional affair still going on with you. And if you choose NC you win because you feel in control of your life...your emotions....but yet you lose a really good friend who liked you and accepted you for the person you really are. I guess my best advice would be for you to consider which scenario you are the least miserable in. Best of luck to you on whatever you decide to do! I'll be thinking about you!
phoenixrising Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 JJ - it's been awhile since I posted, because I'm trying hard to be a "single woman" and not an xOW (and hanging out on LS is a constant reminder), but as I have said in the past your situation and mine are so similar that I follow your threads closely. When I saw this come up, I felt so much compassion for what you are going through - because I am having similar difficulties. Though for confidentiality reasons I haven't told my story here except in bits and pieces I continue to work with xMM... not in the same geographic location, but our careers are so intertwined that when I initiated LC about a year ago it truly became problematic. If I were to tell the circumstances, people would see, that there is simply no way to go NC in my situation, or in yours, without dropping out of our lives!!! So, for this reason, we have to deal with a very difficult situation. For emotional reasons, I recently initiated 'No face-to-face contact', because each time we got together the feelings began to creep back, for both of us. While this was fine for him - he could just go back to his best friend, the wife - I found that it affected my desire to date others... I am truly a monogamous woman, both emotionally and physically. But as he was the only man I had truly loved (and still do, it doesn't simply go away with NC, just gets buried) I saw what I was lacking each time we got together. And, as you admit, there are just some times we need to be with someone who cares, as they do. They may not care enough to give up their lives, but they do care, and we know this. Because I did this however, after he was xMM for a year, he thinks I am unnecessarily emotional, thinks my thoughts are unrealistic, and wonders why I can't simply move on. It is affecting our business together, which involves a lot of other people. So, my NC with him affects many others, who don't understand why I have broken that tie that was so fruitful, and which will require about 2 years to fully end (which I'm working toward). The emotional roller coaster, then, continues... for us, and them, but it has more emotional ramifications for us, and they cannot understand this. I am handling this by forcing myself to date, in the hopes that I will meet a wonderful man who can make me see what I am missing with xMM... which is having an intimate life together, vacations, an open and honest relationship, and the day-to-day things that mean so much... a MM can't give those to us, can they?? Just curious - if his wife doesn't care that you are together, and if he did spend all that time with you, what was it that you wanted with him that you weren't getting? It was most likely in your old posts, but I can't remember...
Spark1111 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Im feeling really stupid and lame about needing NC after all this time. And I know some people would say dont let them see you sweat dont let them know they have gotten to you. But if it means having the MP in your life, isnt admitting that you cant handle it better. I struggled with it for 2 years. I cant see putting myself through the pain anymore. So he knows that I am still in love with him. So he told his colleagues I am needy and emotional and they agree. Is it really still better to be in NC? Owl you have always been a proponent. I finally took your advice. I could use some support that this is better for whatever reason even tho everyone thinks I am foolish.... and needy and I am totally humiliated. How is this better? And for those of you who dont know my background there is no BS here so its not a matter of what about the BS, I think she misses me in his life she had him off her hands there for awhile. JJ, you are a mature, resourceful and intelligent woman who handled the aftermath of the affair with dignity and grace. Do NOT let anyone try to convince you otherwise, especially the OM. His anger and vitriol not only smacks of complete unprofessionalism, but also as a petulant child who had been rejected. Are you sure it isn't HE who needed to have DAILY contact with you, even under the guise of business? Maybe HE loved to hear a certain sadness and wistfulness in your voice because he knew you then still had feeling for him. How very ego-stroking for him, even though the affair was over, and it was under the guise of business. If business can still be conducted without you having to speak to him every day, how in the world is that unprofessional? Your work product can and should stand alone and speak for itself. And anyone with half a brain should be able to figure out that this man maligning you to others reflects poorly on HIM! Not you.Stand your ground and do what is best for YOU! I am sorry you are finally seeing a side of cheaters those still in love with them usually do NOT SEE until you deny them what they think is rightfully their's: Greedy, arrogant, self-entitlement to have their needs met, all other's be damned. You can do this girl! Hang tough.
delirious Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 NC to me is good if you are both trying to work on your marriage, however if you are not, it is really hard to stick to. The days when your heart is feeling that they are thinking of you are really strange. I get hours where I feel that we are feeling the same thing. I know that sounds like I am crazy but it is really strong. I have never felt like that with anyone else. It is the can't stand the thought of not ever seeing them again or touching them or kissing them. Sorry JJ I am probably not making this easy for you, but I just know how hard it is. But if you see them again, as it always happens, you end up together again or desperately clinging on to the memory afterwards till the next fix ((hug))
phoenixrising Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 ... I know you can't "unring a bell", but could you possibly call a meeting together with he and his colleagues, and just openly, honestly, and with warmth, put your situation out for all to see? There is a way to do this with professionalism, I think... just tell them something like "I know you are all aware of X.... and as much as I hate to admit it, my personal feelings have affected my professional life. I'd like it to be different, but I will need to ask for your help in coming up with a solution that will preserve our business relationship, while helping me get through a rough point in my life"... You know the players better than I do, but perhaps openness and honesty with what is occurring might get this going on a different track...??? Sometimes face-to-face confrontation with all involved - if done with professionalism - can change the course. Takes guts, especially if he has already got them on 'his side'... but something to consider... by the way, I don't know how to PM, but would enjoy discussing with you off line, if you would like. I'm about your age, very similar experiences... it may help, certainly can't hurt...
phoenixrising Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Spark, I've also followed your threads, listening to the other side. You are so correct... once they don't get what they want (the OW's constant love and support), suddenly you become the crazy, unrealistic, emotional, needy one... this makes THEM look like the 'right' or good one in everyone else's eyes... is that really love??? Love is about putting the needs of the one you love first at a time when they need it most... and if this doesn't happen, then a true friendship obviously doesn't exist either... This is what makes me stick with the LC... if an xMM/MM stops supporting the OW during times they aren't getting what they need, this doesn't build a relationship or a friendship. Do we really want this in a relationship??? No. And it surely isn't about the sex... it IS about knowing that the OW is there, and still in love with them. They know in the back of their minds that they have a back-up plan, as long as the OW still misses them. It it's real love, they will try to be there for you in the best way they can... if It's ego driven, they will protect themselves first.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks all. Lovekills slowly and delerious - you dont understand my situation. Its not that I dont want NC or am concerned about breaking it on a personal level. Its that I am regretting it because of the damage asking for it has done to me professionally. The fact that I had to ask for it reflects poorly on me professionally. Thanks Spark and Phoenix you get it precisely. I think it is about the fact that he got so much contact with me through work and it was positive (for the most part) and reaffirmed that I stlll cared for him was the affirmation he needed. Now that will be gone - but I gave him baskets of assurance with the drama that unfolded in getting it. But from here on out he wont have the contact with me, he wont any of it. And catch this - hes not "holding a grudge" - HOLDING A GRUDGE? I am lining his pockets with gold at the moment - and he wants to me to know that he wont hold a grudge because he cant work with me directly? What grudge could he hold? I told him hes better off he gets the $$ but doesnt have to worry about whether we will be squabbling. And of course its not about the sex there has been no sex for 2 years. If it was about that, hed be a very patient man.... there is no BJ at the end of this rainbow... He now says his colleagues dont think badly of me and I am blowing this out of proportion, they want to support me in any way they can (as you would think they would want to - after all I am lining their pockets with gold...) But I cant help but feel pathetic and embarassed. Would love to just disappear and never return but where would I go and what would I do. I think I am not strong enough to deal with all this. Its too stressful. I can deal with the work but the relationships are eluding me. Phoenix I cant message you. You need to turn on your PM so you can send and recieve messages.
OldEurope Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 J, What I am not understanding is why HE is not being looked at by his colleagues as the immature one. Perhaps a bit of a boy's club feeling among them, but for him to blather about your private life is the height of grotesque, professionally (as well as personally) speaking. And we know this is a high-end team around you, so I just do not understand why this culture is so petty, so snippy... (If you answered to this point somewhere else, pardon if I did not see the post...) I would find it really off putting to be working with people who were being told things about my personal life--that is the height of indiscretion, of a total lack of professionalism... You could damage THEIR reputations, it would seem, by telling their contacts that they are men (I am assuming) with no regard for discretion, hence untrustworthy, hence not business material. Of course, I do not know how far you want to take on "pay back"... Let me ask you this...You described the "niche" in which you work...Are you absolutely sure there is no other network of clients into which you could insinuate yourself and leave these morons for good? Since you can "line pockets with gold" it sees to me you would be liked anywhere... Barring that...Can you just take off on a three week vacation and let this blow over or at least distance yourself from it for a bit? Agh...High school never ever ends... OE
jwi71 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Im feeling really stupid and lame about needing NC after all this time. And I know some people would say dont let them see you sweat dont let them know they have gotten to you. But if it means having the MP in your life, isnt admitting that you cant handle it better. I struggled with it for 2 years. I cant see putting myself through the pain anymore. So he knows that I am still in love with him. So he told his colleagues I am needy and emotional and they agree. Is it really still better to be in NC? Owl you have always been a proponent. I finally took your advice. I could use some support that this is better for whatever reason even tho everyone thinks I am foolish.... and needy and I am totally humiliated. How is this better? And for those of you who dont know my background there is no BS here so its not a matter of what about the BS, I think she misses me in his life she had him off her hands there for awhile. I can't speak for Owl and I certainly don't possess his wisdom. But NC has one and only one purpose: detox. You can't quit smoking by hanging out in the smoking lounge. And if you don't detox...you, and I quote, "...struggle with it for 2 years". Save yourself that daily struggle, the daily stress, the daily heartache, the daily "roll your eyes", the daily temptation...and go NC. Its about the OW/OM/WS saving themselves from themselves. Spare yourself the pain of carrying that burden. So NC is the answer. Its the common answer given here and in infidelity. It absolutely ends the A. It allows for true healing to begin. Yes...it has sometimes astronomically high prices such as quitting work, weeks of anxiety and withdrawal, and God knows what else. But it saves you two years of sh*t dealing with the "other". And that is the goal...end the A, heal and move forward. I maintain that the path of immediate NC is EASIER than dragging it out over whatever period of time. I'm sorry you are in this position JJ. And, fwiw, I am proud of you. It takes real courage. No matter what happens in your life and however important this digital ink is...I have more respect for you now.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks OE. Lining their pockets with gold is a bit of an exaggeration but they are in a niche. And yes I am mortified that his colleagues would know (well I think they had some inkling at some point) and think that its so unfortunate that I cant cope after the end of the A. I cant get more into the business on a public forum but I appreciate what you were saying. But OE I read your initial post - you should repost it for all those women who are crying in their soup. I regret the fact that I was SO reactive over all this. The better thing to do would have been to ignore his provocation. Ignore ignore ignore. And then none of this would have happened. My mother would be ashamed of me. I can just hear her saying you did what? Why didnt you just ignore him.... And thanks jwi - but see above. I am ashamed that I couldnt just let it roll off me like water off a ducks back. 2 years out of the A, it really shouldnt get to me the way it does.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 I was actually extremely surprised that he would care that I would deal with someone else. I think it was the loss of face that his colleagues would know that there was an issue between us. Its never good for someone to go to your colleagues and say I cant work with him. And probably it would have been better if I had let him inform them. But I was so furious that I just acted. I wish I had handled it with more finesse.
delirious Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Sorry JJ, yes I did not read properly. But in my experience, men who cannot control the situation, often react in a petty way. Like kids at school. Call you names to get your attention. Some don't grow up much more than that. He obviously cannot stand not getting a reaction from you. His pride is hurt and he reacts the best way he knows how to save face.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Phoenix I cant post more details about my situation on the boards I fear I have said too much already
StoptheDrama Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 JJ, I understand your concern about your professional reputaton as I work with my now xMM. Ironically enough I work in a company with some of the most immature, catty and petty women I have ever encountered so there have already been numerous malicious falsehoods spread about me. Think about what they'd do if they uncovered this! I will just continue to hold my head up high. The less you do that, the more you validate their claims. That's the best advice I can give you. Remember that childhood saying - "Sticks & stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me". Don't let this immature dufus who obviously has not moved on from high school get the best of you. You're better than that!
lovekillsslowly Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 ooopppsss. Sorry JJ. I completely misunderstood your post. My apologies. I hope you figure out a solution for your professional situation.
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Im pretty freaked out by the whole thing. It was brutal and intense and awful. And now silence its like the calm before the hurricane. I am very very wary. What will happen. How will things play out. What will it be like. How will it work. Will it work? Will we speak to one another when we run into each other (id say unlikely).
StoptheDrama Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 JJ, I understand all too well... I too get to return to that tomorrow after having ended it. My resolution is to hold my head up high; be civil, courteous and professional: and most of all, to not let him (or anyone else) see me upset. I would rather chew off my arm than give anyone something to talk about. Some people do the most talking when they know the least... or so it seems to me anyway. Be strong, honey. You can do this! Like I'm trying to do, save your tears for when you're alone..
Author jj33 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Wow good luck. I dont envy you working in the same company with him. I dont work in the same company with him so there is noone for me to face. Its just a question of when I have to talk to his colleagues on the phone. And I wont have to see him in person unless I run into him at professional gatherings over the next few weeks, which I may.
StoptheDrama Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If you run into him, JJ, my advice is to greet him with a smile. Be professional and civil but nothing more. I would also do the same with his colleagues. If you seem flustered or nervous, it will only give credence to whatever nonsense he may be saying. You can't stop people from talking but you do have the power to take the wind out of their sails.
Author jj33 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks Stop Ive been dealing with this for 2 years and I am fine with dealing with him when I run into him. I try to avoid him to the extent possible. Im more worried about what is going to happen that I wont know about. I dont work with them directly so I dont know what he will or wont say to people, I dont know if their more employees will know anything.
StoptheDrama Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I understand your fear. Please try not to worry about what you cannot control. If he is saying anything, sooner or later it will come around to you and you can deal with it as you see fit. In the meantime, you can only control your behavior and, in doing so, you may be able to minimize whatever damage he is trying to do to your reputation. I wish you the best of luck and send boatloads of support your way! BTW - I don't know what the bunny means but I think it's cute!
jwi71 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Im more worried about what is going to happen that I wont know about. I dont work with them directly so I dont know what he will or wont say to people, I dont know if their more employees will know anything. It doesn't matter JJ. He will say what he will and there is precious little you can do to stop him. But this has ALWAYS been the case. Don't worry about it now. After all...you can't do anything about it. Try and worry about that which you can control. And so what if he tells. Let him (its not like you can stop him). All you CAN DO is handle the fallout should there be any. How should you handle yourself? Gracefully. Honestly (to a point...no need to divulge personal info in a business environ). Your character does show through here and I'm sure it does there (IRL at work) even more so. Take deep breath. Exhale. Now go to work. Let go that which you cannot control. And...2 years from now...this will be all forgotten by everyone.
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