foreverme Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I have been married for almost 8 years and have two wonderful young children with my husband. A few weeks ago I found out for the past two years my husband has been lying to me. The lies include going to strip clubs and while there getting lap dances and touching the women, secretly taking money from his work without me knowing to pay for the strip clubs, not being honest where he was, and being dishonest about drinking and driving. These things happened a handful of times. I am so sad because I thought I married one of the good guys who would never have done this to me. Lying breaks such a fundamental part of a marriage. I have lost my trust in him and the security that our marriage held in my eyes. The unfortunate part is that there are two wonderful children that are involved here. I am torn trying to decide what to do, do I stay or do I take my kids and leave? My husband seems very sorry for what he has done and we have been going to MC for the past two weeks, which he requested. I never questioned that my husband truly loved me before this happened. It has been a hard blow to take because I genuinely believed he was so devoted to me and to our family. I know from correspondence that I saw that events were initiated by one of his friends. I understand that he is responsible for his actions and his choices. He knows that I would not approve of him going to strip clubs and I have been very clear on my feelings about drinking and driving. My world has been flipped upside down. How do I make the decision of whether to stay or go? It is hard to believe someone who has lied to you when they tell you that they would do anything to keep you and their family together and in his life. Can I get passed him breaking vows to be honest and respect me, forsake all others? It has been three weeks since I found out and thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. Is it possible for a marriage to survive lying, disrespect, and a lack of judgment on his part? I am just trying to cope with what he has done to me and the possibility that it could break our family apart. It makes me so sad! How do I get passed this?
NiceGuy4Ever Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 This is a very tough decision. First of all the most important people involved are your kids. They come first and you have to think of what's best for them. Building trust in a relationship especially a marriage is extremely hard. If he is truly sorry you have to let him know clearly that you have lost your trust with him and he will have to gain it back by deserving it. This is a slow and painful process. I do hope you figure out what to do but always have your kids best interests in mind. Divorce is emotionally stressful for a child. I should know. Hope this helps.
TaraMaiden Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I have been married for almost 8 years and have two wonderful young children with my husband. A few weeks ago I found out for the past two years my husband has been lying to me. The lies include going to strip clubs and while there getting lap dances and touching the women, secretly taking money from his work without me knowing to pay for the strip clubs, not being honest where he was, and being dishonest about drinking and driving. (. . .)I have lost my trust in him and the security that our marriage held in my eyes. (. . .)do I stay or do I take my kids and leave? My husband seems very sorry for what he has done and we have been going to MC for the past two weeks, which he requested. (. . .)How do I make the decision of whether to stay or go? (. . .) Is it possible for a marriage to survive lying, disrespect, and a lack of judgment on his part? (. . .)How do I get passed this? OK, here's the kicker: What is more important to you: Your feelings or your marriage? Is the way you feel more vital to you than working to save the relationship? Because just as hard as he will have to work to re-gain your trust and affection - you will have to work just as hard to agree to put this behind you and re-build. He has an awful lot of work to do to recapture what he jeopardised, but you will have to give him the space and time to do that, without recrimination or throwing it back in his face. There is another thread on this forum asking the question whether humans are supposed to be monogamous. I stated no, I don't think we are. We are not, as humans, programmed to be monogamous, but we are CONDITIONED, educated and nurtured in a social environment where it is expected of us. He made - as you rightly say - vows to you, and he has betrayed those vows. That is completely wrong. But as is often stated, if a person seeks sexual gratification outside of a relationship, it's not necessarily about the sex, itself. It is possible your husband had needs that were not being met. Of course, he has gone completely the wrong way about getting those needs met, and there is probably (like an iceberg) an awful lot more (beneath the surface) to this than meets the eye. I hope you continue counselling together. He is completely and entirely to blame for what he has doine. But you have a joint responsibility - the two of you - to look at your roles in the marriage and see where, if anywhere, you might have let one another down. Please do not think I am holding you in any way responsible for his actions. I assure you, I am not. But you are responsible for your actions, and even if your 'input' here was 0.05% and his was 0.95% - there is still an omission on your part. Marriages are partnerships. I truly hope you can work together to bring it back in line. 'Together' being the operative word....
2sure Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 The betrayal and your reactions to it are still new. This is a crisis. You are in fight or flight mode. My marriage has survived my H's infidelity. We have recovered, and despite the odds- even improved our marriage. I think. Most of the time. But, my point is - its just too soon to make those decisions. For the next few weeks, just focus on getting anxiety under control and getting through each day. Survive. Soon enough you will find yourself able to answer the question: Fight or flight? And base your answer on your real feelings and expectations and limitations.
Author foreverme Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 Thank you for your replies. They have helped me tremendously through a really difficult time. I have attended counseling with my husband and am taking it day by day. Only time will tell but today was easier than yesterday, and yesterday was easier than the day before - that gives me hope.
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