hokusai86 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Any help would be great. I have been friends with a girl for 9 months now. it started off as friends as i didn't find her that attractive at first, because i really didn't know her. slowly but surely, we became good friends and then i grew to like her, but i was sure she didn't like me as anything more than a friend. i assumed that if i would just be nice to her and continue to have a good time, she would eventually see me as a possible boyfriend candidate. Nevertheless, i was too afraid just to ask her out because i didn't want her to feel awkward around me, especially if the feelings were not the same. anyways, time passes and she falls into a new crowd of friends. she meets a guy and starts to date him. i think 'what the hell, she clearly didn't like me' so i decide to tell her the truth when i find out about the new guy. turns out she did like me the entire time! she was just sick of waiting for me to make some kind of move. it hurt so bad when she told me. i really didn't see it coming. so i'm still very sore about it. i've been very mature too, considering everyone slags her off for not ditching the new guy for a good friend who likes her and knows her better. i've just given her space and not brought up my feelings again. we did talk it through, but we were both a little emotional to string any coherent ideas together. we just sorta apologised to each other. I do want that chance with her, but i just don't know what to do. my friend thinks this has effectively become a rebound relationship for her given the revelations that occurred. she still had feeling for me before she embarked on this relationship. i was told to just be myself and ride it out. but i don't know. any thoughts? p.s. rumor has it she hasn't had a boyfriend before so i think this could last a while given it will all be new and exciting for her.
Ronni_W Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 There's no way to tell if her current will be long-term or short. Wondering about that is kinda useless. And I'd also suggest to not listen to or believe ANY rumours...about her or anyone else. No good can come of it Yep, it does seem that "riding it out" is your only sane option...better than trying to influence her to make decisions that she's not yet ready to make, at any rate. Be her friend but do NOT become her "relationship confidante/advisor" (let her girlfriends handle that role) and don't too often express "I'm so happy for you guys" sentiments. To me, these are sure ways to get friend-zoned for the rest of time. It's a fine line to tread, and you have to find your own balance that'll work for you and with her. You can be supportive of whatever she does get up to with whomever, but you don't want to also send any message that can be interpreted as you having lost your romantic interest in her. When she gets into talking about her relationship highs and lows, just keep it brief, "I am happy for you," and don't ask questions that'll encourage more in-depth discussion. Especially when there are problems. Just say something like, "I'm really sorry to hear that but I'm probably not the best one to help you cos I can't guarantee that I'm gonna be totally objective and unbiased." If she asks why not, just smile kinda wistfully and go, "Well...you know." And she WILL know. When the situation warrants or the need arises, be honest: "I don't wanna be just one of those 'comfort & support' guys...you mean more to me than that." That is, while you're riding it out, don't act in ways that'll get you friend-zoned! Cos then, when she's done with this guy, she'll be all, "Oh, hokusai -- I value our friendship too much and I'm afraid us getting romantically involved would ruin it." Act like a guy...treat her more as you would someone whom you are dating -- not in terms of spending money/buying her crap but the "little things". Smile a lot, look into her eyes once in a while, contact her when you say you will, express an interest in her individual pursuits, dreams, goals, fears, preferences, dislikes, etc. Also, if you'd open doors, or give her your jacket when it's cold. Whatever you youngsters are doing these days, about how a gentleman treats a lady. Good luck! EDIT: This is what I meant to say: Don't develop a "friendship" with her that she is gonna be "afraid to ruin" at some later date! I think that's the mistake too many guys make cos they feel so desperate about wanting to 'stay in her circle' -- but all it really does is undermines the long-term prospects for romance.
Author hokusai86 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 In terms of strategy, i think i'm going to give her space during the honeymoon phase of their relationship. It would just be too awkward for us both to be best friends at the moment. she still texts me which is obviously a good sign, as she is still willing to keep communications lines open. we have also hung out a couple of times since these things have transpired. some of these hang outs have been one-on-one dates, but obviously not real dates. atm, i think it's about regaining my confidence around her so she can at least see my true colors again. not this really awkward dude that i have become around her.
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