sara38476 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half, we are just perfect for each other and both love each other so much. We never had any problem with trust or fighting until about a month ago when i started to feel neglected and paranoid. His ex started texting him saying she wanted him back and she loves him etc. although it wasnt mutual, he decided to meet up to sort it out. He was acting dodgy with his phone and i started to get worried and paranoid, so i looked through his texts, which is how i found out. Although he never met up with her and says he hasnt spoke to her since, im hurt that he didnt tell me and was gonna meet up with her behind me back. Anyway thats when the small lies started..he promiced me he wouldnt keep anything from me again. A couple of days ago, still been paranoid, there was a text from him telling someone that a girl kissed him and he pulled away and didnt wanna tell me about it. I felt crushed just at the thought he kept something else from me, especially as i know the girl. I met up with her and him to sort it out and they both kept changing their story. Eventually i found out he was very very drunk at this party and they both kissed when coming out of a hug and both pulled away after a few seconds (the girl also lied about the whole thing, saying she was confused). I dont know what to believe anymore 'cos when i first confronted him he looked straight in my eyes and promised it never happened. He eventually admitted to it and said he was scared of losing me 'cos it meant nothing and was just alcohol-fuelled. I know it meant nothing 'cos he hates this girl and loves me very very much. If he told me the next morning i would probably have forgiven him straight away, its the fact of all the lying and promising that i dont think i can fully believe him again. With all the lies on both parts, i feel there could be something else not told to me and i'll never find out. I trust we wont ever do it again as hes so so so sorry, made a huge effort with me, and regrets the whole thing, saying it was a stupid mistake he didnt think of at the time as he was so drunk and pulled away as soon as he relaised what he was doing. I want to forgive him and carry on 'cos i love him so much, i know it wont happen again for sure. I just feel hurt of the lying more than the cheating. Im not sure if i can believe him as he swore on my life previously it never happened. I dont want to look stupid by taking him back, as this girl is in my classes at college and other people know about the whole situation. Can i just add that this is the last guy you would expect this from and the last girl you would expect it to happen with. And this girl has a reputation of this sort of thing and lies quite a bit. I dont know what to do, we both want each other back so bad and he says he wont give up and will do anything and everything to get me back ...
Thornton Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I am normally the type of person who would come right out and tell you to dump the guy because he's a liar and a cheater... BUT ... this situation sounds a little different to me. Firstly, did he indicate clearly in his texts to his ex that he wasn't interested? Do you genuinely believe he was only meeting up with her to talk to her and help her feel better, to clear up a few things? If so then it's nothing to worry about... yes, he should have told you, but if you're convinced that nothing was going on between them I wouldn't worry too much. I have a bf who I love very much, but one day my ex was passing through town and he wanted to meet me and talk about what happened between us, so I agreed to meet up just to help him get things straight in his head. I didn't love him or want to date him, I simply wanted to help him straighten things out so he could move on. Perhas your bf felt the same about his ex? Secondly there is this kiss. Initially he probably lied to you to save his ass, and perhaps also because it was nothing serious and he didn't want to hurt you unnecessarily. You already said that his texts indicated that SHE kissed HIM and HE pulled away. Again, yes, he should have told you about it, but if it was genuinely nothing I can understand why he kept it from you. If your bf truly wants to be in a relationship with you then he has to agree to be honest with you in future. If a girl kisses him, he has to tell you just for the sake of being totally honest with one another. If anything happens that he thinks you might not like, even if it's nothing, he has to tell you before you find out from somewhere else. Then you have to respond in a mature way by appreciating his honesty and believing him when he says it's nothing. A relationship can only survive with complete trust and honesty. You have also learned another important lesson: snoopers rarely find anything good. I'm not saying I disagree with snooping - if you have just cause to think that something is going on and you're being lied to, then by all means snoop, but not just because you think he is "being dodgy with his phone". This comes back to my previous point - if he had been totally honest with you about his ex texting, he wouldn't have needed to be dodgy with his phone! Anyway, as I said I am usually very harsh about any sort of cheating, but in this case I think it's a combination of you not trusting him and him not being totally honest with you. If you're going to try again, you need total honesty and trust, and you need to stop snooping on him.
Author sara38476 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 I know thats true, but if i didn't i would have never found out about all this and i would have gone on acting normal with this girl with other people knowing. Its also not simply her who kissed him, they both kept changing their stories until they both admitted they kissed each other. It's also him who says he pulled away, but she says otherwise. Like i said this girl is one who likes to stir things up and lie, but at the same time my boyfriend could be just looking out to save our relationship and it could of been her who pulled away which makes things completely different. She also claims that he tried to kiss her in the car afterwards when he dropped her off. He says its all a blur and he can't remember much, but hes sure he didnt because he felt angry at himself after the first incident and hes sure he would remember that if it did happen. Its not a case of finding out the truth anymore because my boyfriend/girl won't admit whos in the wrong, its just a case of what i do now The fact that we're going on holiday in two weeks doesn't help either..:|
Citizen Erased Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I had this happen to me before. It was after three months though, not a year and a half...with my experience, even though it was just a kiss, it took me a long time before I got a hold of the jealousy and just general insecurity issues that occurred because of one stupid drunken kiss. I had the mindset that it was just a kiss and I was completely infatuated with him so I decided to stay with him... It wasn't the cause of all of the problems we later had but it certainly didn't help. It wasn't until I became a little less infatuated with him and less dependent on the need for his reassurance that I got over it I guess. I hope I am never like that again, I was so unhappy...frankly if I happened now I'd have dumped him. I was a lot younger before in many ways. I just want you to be aware of what can happen. You have been together long enough for it to be easy to say work things out. But be prepared that although it was a kiss and he was drunk (NOT an excuse but it may give you a little more peace of mind than if he was sober ) there will be issues between you both. If you don't want to deal with it, leave now.
Lucky_One Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 He hates her? Pretty strong emotion. And most guys wouldn't touch a girl they despise with a 37 foot pole, no matter how drunk they were. I find that so-called hate often is a disguise for other emotions - even ones that can be conflicting - like dislike mixed with attraction that they are ashamed to admit. As for meeting his XGF, that's no big deal, if its like Thornton said - to talk about things and maybe give some closure to the other person if they need it. But there is NO reason why he shouldn't tell you about this (I can't tell if Thornton did, or not). I tell my BF when I meet anyone, because we talk about our days and our lives. Why would I hide meeting an old BF?
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