when a girl loses all feelings...

[sean22]

can they ever come back?

ive been NC for over a month now and she hasnt tried to talk to me so i guess shes just completely over me now.

its making me wonder if absence has made the heart grow fonder or me being around or talking to her has caused her to forget about me (out of sight, out of mind)

i know theres nothing i can do but move on, and shes going away in 2 days time anyways for i think 7 months and i should be able to use this time to move on.

im just curious if she could ever come back once she gets back?

she didnt exactly tell me she lost all feelings, she told my mate the next day after she broke up with me. She told me when she broke up with me that the relationship was putting too much pressure on her with her going away.

Part of that could be true, but why couldnt she just tell me the truth that she had lost her feelings for me instead of making up an excuse that she was under so much pressure? Why did she leave me in the dark? Did she just expect me to move on without knowing the real reason she broke up with me?

She also said she wanted to be friends and now has gone completely cold on me, hasnt made an attempt to speak to me since..

I know i shouldnt be thinking about this, but it hurts to think that she hasnt thought of me once since the breakup and that she could never speak to me again..

i guess ill just have to use this time that shes gone to move on but do u think i should ask her why she wasnt honest with me about her feelings and the real reason she broke up with me before she leaves or just wait till she gets back??

 

haha sorry, i just started blabbering on there.. but if anyone could answer any of those questions or give me any advice on any of that i would greatly appreciate it.

 

oh yeah one more thing should i send her a goodbye text? i feel like its the right thing to do when someone is going away and wouldnt that be civil?

[Ronni_W]

I suspect she didn't tell the truth because, consciously, she told herself that would be the "kind/nice" thing, and you'd be less hurt -- generally that's the case (but not always.) Unconsciously, it's usually (but not always) that we don't want to deal with the fall-out that we envision/expect will be a negative consequence of our being honest. But, of course, we don't like admitting that to ourselves, let alone others.

 

Yes, it would be a friendly gesture to send her a "wishing you well" text before she leaves...IF that is really how you feel. To do it just to show that you are a civil human being is...well, that's just you putting on a show and not being honest/genuine about YOUR feelings. And you already know how it sucks when people are dishonest with you.

 

*IF* you think that she may be honest with you this time, yes, you could ask her if she minds sharing with you why she wasn't honest with you when she left. Again, she may be aware of her conscious/altruistic reason, but not any unconscious/self-interested one. Nothing really "wrong" with that, it's kind of human nature.

 

I'd suggest that you could call this one "over and complete" -- there really isn't any (good) point to holding onto to false hope about what may happen in the future, nor getting all anxious over what may not. IMO, declaring it 'done' and starting to move forward from there would be your wise move.

[sean22]

hey ronni thanks for the reply

i was thinking that was the reason that why she didnt tell me, that she didnt want to hurt me, and i can understand that, but i guess she just didnt realise she left me with false hope.

Im thinking ill just let it all go for until she comes back and if she ever tries to reconcile ill bring it up.

what i dont understand is why she said she wanted to be friends and hasnt spoken to me since.. shes just gone completely cold on me, when shes around me she keeps her distance as though im some kind of creep, is that normal?? does she just feel uncomfortable at the moment? (This was before i went NC)

could it just be that she knows i still have feelings for her?

i know im not ready to be friends yet anyway, but it just annoys me that she says she wants to be friends and then avoids me like she doesnt want anything to do with me. perhaps she meant in the future? i dont know. i guess all i can do is move on and only time will tell.

It worries me that she could come back from overseas and still act the same.

I guess i cant worry about that though.. time to move on. her loss

[Ronni_W]

what i dont understand is why she said she wanted to be friends and hasnt spoken to me since

I can only speak from my own experience. Yes, when we got separated I did consciously emotionally distance myself from my then-husband because I perceived/sensed that he hadn't fully accepted the inevitable. This was also after we had "agreed in principle" to remain friends.

 

But once I felt that acting friendly towards him would interfere with his own 'moving forward' process, I then decided that maybe it would be kinder in the long run to just avoid any possibility of sending mixed messages.

I don't think that my withdrawal "helped" him as much as it didn't hurt him...he didn't ALSO have to deal with false hope, 'what ifs' and 'maybes'.

 

My actions were based on my own beliefs and perceptions, which could have been totally inaccurate.

But. You are saying that you still do have feelings for her (which she obviously no longer shares, or she would not have "gone completely cold" on you), so I would suggest that her take is accurate...and she is doing you a favour, although you won't actually benefit from it in the short-term.

 

Like my ex, you're not being given any mixed messages or false hope but your own healing and 'moving on' is still up to you. He stayed stuck for years...my wish for you is that you won't allow yourself to do that

 

It does suck, though. Sending hugs and healing.

[boogieboy]

I think you shouldnt send any goodbye texts to her. People are god damn cowards, and are too selfish to deal with the fallout of the truth.

My opinion? Well, im a sinic, but she has been talking to someone at her destination for a while now, and is already making plans with him. Shes gonna be there 7 months. Girls dont like being alone, so even if its temporary, she wants to have fun guilt free, and she will. Thats why she hasnt been in contact with you.

 

Other than that, maybe she broke it off with you so she can have a fresh start at her destination. Whatever the case, she wasnt as serious about you as you are with her, otherwise she wouldnt have broken it off. In the long run, its better for you because, again, she didnt think about you seriously. Theres a ton of things you might have or might not have done to prevent this, but you wont realize them until you're over her.

 

When a girl loses all feelings, by the time she runs into you again, you have to be an all new person that forgot about her, that she can get attracted to. That usually doesnt happen. You might still have old feelings in your head, and it wont be the same. Thats what sucks, by the time months pass, they see a new you, but you see an old them, and you might not wanna go that route again. So work on getting over her so you can find a girl that will stay with you.

[sean22]

thanks boogie

i think i understand all this now.. i dont think she was that interested from the start, i dont know why she said yes when i asked her out. i feel like she has just led me on and im starting to hate her for no reason. what did she want from me?

As for the other guy at her destination, she isnt really staying in one place, shes going to camp in america then travelling. I think her wanting to be guilt free and open to meet other guys over there is 100% true though.

To be honest, right now im glad im not waiting 7 months for her to get back, so i guess its a good thing. I still miss her though

Yes, i could have done things different and maybe she would still be with me. I know i didnt do anything wrong. There is know use worrying about that now as its in the past. whats done is done. All i can do now is move on i guess.

Thanks guys

[boogieboy]

thanks boogie

i think i understand all this now.. i dont think she was that interested from the start, i dont know why she said yes when i asked her out. i feel like she has just led me on and im starting to hate her for no reason. what did she want from me?

As for the other guy at her destination, she isnt really staying in one place, shes going to camp in america then travelling. I think her wanting to be guilt free and open to meet other guys over there is 100% true though.

To be honest, right now im glad im not waiting 7 months for her to get back, so i guess its a good thing. I still miss her though

Yes, i could have done things different and maybe she would still be with me. I know i didnt do anything wrong. There is know use worrying about that now as its in the past. whats done is done. All i can do now is move on i guess.

Thanks guys

 

She just wanted to control you a lil bit, for a boost to her self esteem. Thats all it is. People with esteem issues do that sort of thing.

[ATR]

I feel exactly the same. I have no idea why she said yes when i asked her out. She didn't contribute to the relationship and she was the one to end it(a guy down where she lived showed interest in her).

It sucks.

[Ariadne]

when a girl loses all feelings...can they ever come back?

 

In my case, personally, whenever I got turned off by a guy and didn't like him anymore... I never felt the loving feelings again. Dead.

 

I had an ex bf that I broke up with, who every time I logged in the computer he'd say "Hi!" on the IM.

 

It annoyed me so much that I told him that the last thing I wanted when I logged in the computer was to see him saying hi.

 

He said, why?

 

I told him, because it's like when you want to eat chocolate and they give you a lettuce.

 

(I liked some other guy also and wanted to hear from him instead)

 

He got very offended and over the years he'd call himself lettuce man.

 

We were friends for years after that, but haven't talked to him in a long while now.

[Exit]

In my case, personally, whenever I got turned off by a guy and didn't like him anymore... I never felt the loving feelings again. Dead.

 

Do you give the guys the benefit of knowing this though? I wish my ex would be that cut-and-dry and give me a fair shot at moving on. Instead I still sit here thinking things can still work out because she won't make it that easy to understand.

 

And as someone going through a breakup it's hard to hear that there are people like you out there "it never comes back, dead." How do feelings just vanish like that? How do you never sit there and wonder if maybe you made a mistake? I'm not attacking you I just can't understand it. You spend months or years with someone and then "dead"???? Seems incredibly fickle. Why should people want to be in love with someone who can change their feelings that fast. Tell them that at the beginning "oh hey by the way there's a chance one day I'll wake up and leave" and I don't think too many people would be interested. I hate when girls get that sense of entitlement "It's my life my feelings I can move on if I want", how about the person who gave you everything and suddenly you kick them to the curb, what do they deserve?

[norajane]

Do you give the guys the benefit of knowing this though? I wish my ex would be that cut-and-dry and give me a fair shot at moving on. Instead I still sit here thinking things can still work out because she won't make it that easy to understand.

 

Isn't breaking up with you enough information for you to move on? Just because she's not telling you that she has no feelings left at all doesn't mean you can still work things out. If she felt things could still work out, she wouldn't have broken up with you. If she wanted you back, you'd know.

 

Girls don't spell it out because they think they're letting you down easier rather than telling you, sorry, but I feel nothing for you and every time you contact me now you're making my skin crawl. They say "let's be friends" because they don't want to hurt you by saying "don't ever contact me again".

 

I know this is blunt and hard to hear, but it's true and it's an important lesson to learn. In the cases where it's not true, it's usually because she's playing games and keeping you on the back burner as an ego feed. There are very few cases where someone thinks later that they made a mistake and wants to get back together, but those cases are not ambiguous - she'll tell you straight out that's what she wants.

 

Bottom line: if a girl breaks up with you, MOVE ON and stop thinking it's possible to get back together. You don't need to know WHY specifically she broke up with you. You just need to know that, whatever she feels, she doesn't want to actually BE with you so she broke up with you.

[boogieboy]

Isn't breaking up with you enough information for you to move on? Just because she's not telling you that she has no feelings left at all doesn't mean you can still work things out. If she felt things could still work out, she wouldn't have broken up with you. If she wanted you back, you'd know.

 

Girls don't spell it out because they think they're letting you down easier rather than telling you, sorry, but I feel nothing for you and every time you contact me now you're making my skin crawl. They say "let's be friends" because they don't want to hurt you by saying "don't ever contact me again".

 

I know this is blunt and hard to hear, but it's true and it's an important lesson to learn. In the cases where it's not true, it's usually because she's playing games and keeping you on the back burner as an ego feed. There are very few cases where someone thinks later that they made a mistake and wants to get back together, but those cases are not ambiguous - she'll tell you straight out that's what she wants.

 

Bottom line: if a girl breaks up with you, MOVE ON and stop thinking it's possible to get back together. You don't need to know WHY specifically she broke up with you. You just need to know that, whatever she feels, she doesn't want to actually BE with you so she broke up with you.

 

Nora you need to post this in every "can I get her back" thread. It works better when coming from a woman.

[boogieboy]

 

In the cases where it's not true, it's usually because she's playing games and keeping you on the back burner as an ego feed.

 

Does the ego feed really work for these types of women? Is it some kind of sickness to want to keep someone on a string to make themselves feel better? I just found out about this recently and it boggles me. In my case, she still wanted to have lunch...but why would she if the thought of me made her skin crawl?

[BCCA]

Does the ego feed really work for these types of women?

 

It works for all kinds of people, men/women alike. Think about it, wouldnt it feel pretty darn good to know that someone out there lives you and wants you, even if youre not interested? Unless the person is absolutely repulsive, its a definite ego boost.

 

Is it some kind of sickness to want to keep someone on a string to make themselves feel better?

 

Its more of something to keep them feeling good until they find someone else. Its like looking for a new job, its much easier when you already have something waiting or that you could go back to. And yes, somep people are douchebags that like to make themselves feel better.

 

I just found out about this recently and it boggles me. In my case, she still wanted to have lunch...but why would she if the thought of me made her skin crawl?

 

I dont think the thought of you neccesarily makes her skin crawl, but she probably feels like she can do better/be happier with someone else. So, she doesnt mind your company from time to time (100% on her terms of course), but dont expect it to lead anywhere you want it to go.

 

Also, people try and pretend like theyre 'friends' with someone they just dumped so that they can shed some guilt. If shes bored/lonely, she might need someone to eat with, but if anything better came along, she would certainly ditch you.

[norajane]

In my case, she still wanted to have lunch...but why would she if the thought of me made her skin crawl?

I'll bet it makes you feel good when your puppy dog welcomes you home every day and wags his tail and jumps all over you, right?

 

But you don't want to make out with your puppy, do you? The thought makes your skin crawl, yes?

 

 

I dont think the thought of you neccesarily makes her skin crawl, but she probably feels like she can do better/be happier with someone else. So, she doesnt mind your company from time to time (100% on her terms of course), but dont expect it to lead anywhere you want it to go.

100% on her terms when she wants to be around someone who looks at her adoringly and thinks the sun shines out of her ass.

Also, people try and pretend like theyre 'friends' with someone they just dumped so that they can shed some guilt. If shes bored/lonely, she might need someone to eat with, but if anything better came along, she would certainly ditch you.

 

Yes, yes, and yes.

[norajane]

Nora you need to post this in every "can I get her back" thread. It works better when coming from a woman.

 

I'd be posting all day, then, and would never have time to work.

[Ariadne]

How do feelings just vanish like that?

How do you never sit there and wonder if maybe you made a mistake?

I'm not attacking you I just can't understand it.

You spend months or years with someone and then "dead"????

Seems incredibly fickle.

Why should people want to be in love with someone who can change their feelings that fast.

 

Hi Exit,

 

Is ok, I'd love to answer you.

 

To be honest, I was never deeply in love with anyone I ever dated.

 

I am very unlucky in love, so I'd end up dating guys that were insistent and pursuing, and eventually I'd start seeing them regularly and have sex with them.

 

But you can only do so much with that. You can be somewhat loving for a while, it feels good to be doing things with someone, but it got to a point where I just couldn't stand the guy anymore.

 

It was like being with someone I couldn't relate with in other than superficial levels.

 

At least that is what happened with me.

 

I never promised these people eternal love, except from my first husband whom I met when I was 16. I believe I was infatuated then, and in this case you can say we grew apart.

 

Sorry about what happened with your girlfriend.

[Ariadne]

I feel nothing for you and every time you contact me now you're making my skin crawl.

 

The thought makes your skin crawl, yes?

 

(Exactly).

[boogieboy]

Its more of something to keep them feeling good until they find someone else. I dont think the thought of you neccesarily makes her skin crawl, but she probably feels like she can do better/be happier with someone else. So, she doesnt mind your company from time to time (100% on her terms of course), but dont expect it to lead anywhere you want it to go.

 

Also, people try and pretend like theyre 'friends' with someone they just dumped so that they can shed some guilt. If shes bored/lonely, she might need someone to eat with, but if anything better came along, she would certainly ditch you.

 

Actually I think she was already seeing someone new when she dumped me, so the whole 2 months after that, she was still needing her ego boost from me. I guess the new guy wasnt enuf for her.

 

100% on her terms when she wants to be around someone who looks at her adoringly and thinks the sun shines out of her ass.

.

 

I deliberately in this particular relationship did not give her the impression that the sun shines out of her ass or looked at her adoringly. Actually it was quite the opposite. But I guess it was only an ego boost when I answered the "check in" texts. I ignored her after a while, but what does she think after I stopped answering her?