SlowMarch Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I have been married for almost a year. Altogether I have been with her for almost three years. I've never met anyone as smart, kind, or easy to get along with as her. She makes beautiful things with her hands and makes our house beautiful. She is a better listener than anyone I've known. She and I can sit and do absolutely nothing but talk and we can be 100% entertained for hours. So the relationship should be perfect but it isn't. I know the problem; she knows there is a problem but is wrong about what it is. Months before our wedding last summer she embarked on one of her dozen or so diets to be able to fit into the dress; it didn't work. She weighed about 165 pounds when we met and now she is a little under 230. She thinks that is the problem but it really isn't. She is six inches shorter than me. I am over 6' and not very skinny. I had never expected to be with a beauty queen and I'm not attracted to ultrathin women anyway, but I always did imagine being with someone lighter than myself. She is always hungry nowadays. She tells me sugar is her real problem, which I guess is the first step, but neither of us can figure out why she can't avoid those foods (cake, muffins, etc., making me wonder if flour might also be a problem). In any case I strive not to bring it up, since her appearance is a much bigger deal for her than it is for me. She brings it up four or five times a day. If she sees a photograph of herself from the past couple of years she always gets depressed. If she sees a thin woman she gets upset. If I suggest we (we - never her) go and get some exercise, she gets upset. Today I was ravenous at breakfast. She took approximately half of what she had cooked - economically "fair" perhaps, but it makes no sense since I am taller and far more active. I wondered if I might have a bigger share, since she (on her own initiative) planned to start trying to eat portions about half as big as mine. She got upset, described herself as a "pig" (which incenses me), and canceled our plan to spend our day off together walking by the lake. She went back to bed and slept for several hours. She has asked me to remind her to eat right about as many times as she has asked me not to. I feel like my hands are tied. She will not join me on my daily walks, she says the dog is too old to need walking, her workout videos are gathering dust, she can't get any exercise at her job ... and she can't resist cake and muffins. The few times I've discouraged her from a pastry she has usually avoided it, but gotten very upset. Usually she eats junk when I am not around. I am starting to get angry about this, which is why I am writing. (Previously I just felt guilty and confused, which apparently wasn't enough incentive.) I honestly don't think I could be any more supportive. I compliment her on everything she does right, which is a lot. I tell her all I want is her to be healthy and happy. I rub her back and all the modern-husband stuff. But when I say something innocuous and she says she hates herself, I feel like shouting at her, as loud and angrily as I would shout at anyone who said they hated my wife. I know it wouldn't help but I am at wit's end.
Kamille Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Two things come to mind: From the foods you describe she craves, she might want to look into a low-candida diet, or cleansing-candida diet (which are very similar to low-carb diets). Candida is basically a sugar eating bacteria that lives in every human's digestive track. The more sugar one person eats, the more candida is likely to develop in their digestive track. The thing is, when we have too much candida, we end up craving sugars and breads. Basically, the more donuts we eat, the more donuts we crave. One week of a sugar-free diet can do wonders to help someone snap out of the kinds of cravings you describe (die-hard candida-cleansers recommand at least a month). The first three days are hard, but it does get easier. Second, has she considered approaching a nutritionist or dietician about her desire to lose weight? As much as you love and support her, it sounds like she isn't ready to let you be the one who helps her with this. probably because she feels ashamed of herself. Some outside help might help you both approach the issue with a better sense of control.
seibert253 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 If she hasn't, she should start with her physician about her weight. Diet and exercise are the keys to losing weight. There is no majic pill, and everyone reacts differently to different diets. Different things work for different people. Nutrisystem may work for one, but do nothing for someone else. The concept is fairly simple, you eat less calories than you bring in. This is where you begin to loose fat. This concept is accelerated when you add exercise, because you're burning additional calories. The decision to lose weight, especially for those who are morbidly obese, and sounds like your wife is, amounts to a lifestyle change. It's something that will require commitment for her, and you. For yourself, set the example. Do not eat to excess in front of your wife. Eat good health foods, fruits, vegtables, lean meats. How can you expect your wife to eat healthy, if you're eating a greasy cheeseburger or pizza? ( not saying you are, but just using this as an example). This is a commitment required from both of you. But both of you will reap the rewards of better health.
Thornton Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 She does not have a problem with flour. A problem with flour is called celiac disease, your doctor can diagnose it, and it leads to severe tummy upsets and drastic weight loss and malnutrition. If she had a problem with flour, she would know about it. What she does have a problem with is food in general, specifically unhealthy food. The more unhealthy food you eat, the more you crave... the more sugar you eat, the more your blood sugar fluctuates and you feel constantly hungry... the more you indulge yourself, the more you find it difficult to resist. She is simply eating the wrong foods, her blood sugar is unstable, and she is putting herself at risk of heart problems and diabetes because of her diet. Being overweight is also clearly causing her emotional problems, because she doesn't want to be fat but she can't control her eating habits. What she needs is to go on a healthy diet... it will be difficult to begin with, and will require a lot of willpower, but once she gets out of that binge-crave cycle and her blood sugar stabilises she'll feel a lot better and will start to see the weight coming off. She also needs some exercise, whether she likes it or not. Cutting down on the quantity of food and going on a temporary diet is not the answer; both of you need to completely change your eating habits permanently and start making more healthy choices... no muffins or cakes or biscuits, no pastries... fruit and veg and lean protein and whole grains are what you should be eating pretty much all the time. I say both of you need to change because it's no good her trying to diet while you continue eating junk in front of her... eating habits for your entire household need a permanent overhaul.
Heroic Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Head to a doc and get a physical, she may have an underlying metabolic disorder as well. Start exercizing together, as you get older you both will be more prone to getting diabetes, cardiovascular diease and a host of other problems. Head those problems off at the pass. The self esteem issues will go away once a few pounds come off and the endorphins start kickin in.
JustLooking123 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I fully realize that the advice I'm about to give is just one very simple suggestion for a complicated problem. But here it is. Just don't buy cakes and muffins. Buy healthy food. If it's not around, she (and you) can't eat it.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I fully realize that the advice I'm about to give is just one very simple suggestion for a complicated problem. But here it is. Just don't buy cakes and muffins. Buy healthy food. If it's not around, she (and you) can't eat it.Bloody hell, now I know why wuggle thought you were me. You sound like me but even more stilted. Are you me? Sorry for the threadjack, OP!
wuggle Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Maybe she's your long lost twin sister, separated at birth :laugh: (double sorry OP)
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 No way! My parents are kids nuts. If there was another one, they would have hoarded her like the rest of us! If she's trying to be me, she needs to be a little more random, add in some firtatious, joking remarks, etc. I would also expand the sentences out a bit, some of the time, so it's not so abrupt all of the time. There's more but I'll leave that to her to figure out! Triple sorry OP, for the t/j.
JustLooking123 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 No way! My parents are kids nuts. If there was another one, they would have hoarded her like the rest of us! If she's trying to be me, she needs to be a little more random, add in some firtatious, joking remarks, etc. I would also expand the sentences out a bit, some of the time, so it's not so abrupt all of the time. There's more but I'll leave that to her to figure out! Triple sorry OP, for the t/j. Ha! I'm actually much more abrupt online than I am in real life. It gets the point across better, I think. I'll have to pay closer attention to your posts to try and see the similarities .
Author SlowMarch Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Thanks for all the replies - quite a lot given that I'm a noob. I asked her about candida today, not in the context of obesity. She is in allied health so I though she might know, and I at least could ask if it came up in her last physical. It didn't. She said she knew about candida as the culprit in baby's (thrush) and women's problems, but hadn't heard about candida in the GI. Also, in her physical, she didn't mention anything about her doctor talking about obesity. I suspect doctors avoid it, or downplay it. My wife's equally-fat friend was bragging about how nasty she was to her GP when her GP mentioned it. She's not always that immature, but I was disappointed in her - doctor does her job, patient gets snarky. Not cool. For yourself, set the example. Do not eat to excess in front of your wife. Eat good health foods, fruits, vegtables, lean meats. How can you expect your wife to eat healthy, if you're eating a greasy cheeseburger or pizza? That is a good idea. I myself eat very little bread and pasta out of habits I developed before I met her - I knew it was a problem (especially Italian bread sticks! devil food!) so I stopped. But I'm still a large-portions person. I'm not sure if I need extra snacks when she's not around - beef jerky or veggie sticks or something. Otherwise I will be left unsatisfied - with portions divided in half, she is stuffed to the gills and needs to lie down, while I'm still peckish. Those are all good thoughts. Maybe I'll try to bring up the idea of getting checked for candidiasis and/or metabolism problems in some innocuous way....
530 Guy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Another simple suggestion: either accept her for who she is or don't. Like you said, you're going to drive yourself crazy if you do anything else.
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