Nikki Sahagin Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 When you recognise things you've done wrong, cruel things you've said, ways you've acted and behaved in the past that have not only caused pain to your partner....but sabotagued your own happiness, and you feel the guilt and pain of that, how do you forgive yourself instead of continue punishing yourself?
sao2 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I struggled with this myself somewhat the last couple of days. We all make mistakes, even our ex's and even us. A tit for tat accounting of I did/you did will only lead you to feel both extreme guilt and extreme anger. You have to let go of what you did, and what he did. You both made mistakes and in the end those mistakes are what makes us human. We like someone for their strength, but it is their faults and weaknesses that we fall in love with. That includes learning to love yourself. Only by assessing your faults and saying, yes I could have done some things better, but I will not shoulder all of the guilt or fault. Only in this way will you be able to move forward. I don't know about you, but I have punished myself enough. It is time to reward myself for all the love that I did show to her.
wuggle Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 You could start by accepting that not one single person you have ever met or will ever meet has not made mistakes. The truly stupid people are those that consistently don't learn from them. Accept them, try to think how to avoid making them again, then cut them loose and get on with it.
gypsi Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Hey Nikki I am in the same situation as you are, i am totally to blame for the break up i did and said such horrible things and i cant seem to forgive myself for completely breaking the love of my lifes heart with my self destructive behaviour. I broke my own heart in the process to...everyday is a living hell for me now. How do you forgive yourself? My friends and family say you've learnt your lesson you wont ever behave in that manner again, leave the past behind it will only drive you insane. We are all put on earth to learn specific lessons sometimes it shakes us to the core but that situation needed to happen in order for us to change! Take it as a lesson learnt forgive yourself, take what you have learnt and NEVER repeat the same mistakes in the future. With all this being said i still cant forgive myself ive tried so hard....its made me a depressed unpleasant person for the last 4 months my life sux right now, the only thing that makes me feel a little better is that i regret what i did and i know i will never repeat it again. And one day who knows when this guilt will finally leave me in peace.
TheBigCow Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Hmm.. I feel like I'm talking about the same thing in two places.. but oh well! (Sorry if anyone minds) We like someone for their strength, but it is their faults and weaknesses that we fall in love with. That includes learning to love yourself. This is so true! I think important to self evaluate and self improve.. but I also think its true that you fall in love with faults. The things I miss the most about my ex are the small things that weren't perfect about her, especially things you couldn't know without spending hours with her. These things were mine.. no one else knew about them and no one else cared, but I did and it made her the person I loved. In reference to cruel actions. Its most likely your ex doesn't care anymore - I mean, he's probably not making a list of all the horrible things you said, and in this case its just a matter of learning and forgiving yourself like everyone is saying. If you think he still does care.. well to be honest you're probably wrong .. but if you're sure, then you can apologize. Another way of looking at it is karma (I was reading a wee book on Buddhism). If this is something that appeals to you, you have two ways to proceed - wait for karma to even the score (maybe its this pain you'e going through now), or do something selfless, make up for past wrongs. Just a though.
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Guilt and self-flagellation are useless emotions. Remorse and restitution are worthwhile. So, how do you handle letting things go, when say, you've broken a plate or a cup? Do you kick yourself for days, weeks, months and years or are you much more careful when you pick up the next plate?
wow123 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I can only speak for myself but...I only really forgive my mistakes that contributed to failed relationships when I am over the person and don't care that it ended. I am also beating myself up and know I wont get over my mistakes until I get over her.
Ariadne Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 you feel the guilt and pain of that, how do you forgive yourself instead of continue punishing yourself? You forgive yourself by understanding that you were not the doer. You were acting through nature and going through emotions that were quite real at the time. Maybe a greater understanding about things in the future will prevent these actions from arising.
gregory_z Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Maybe a greater understanding about things in the future will prevent these actions from arising. What do you mean by that? I am going through that right now, and I understand that the only person that can forgive you is yourself. I said and done very cruel things that I am deeply regretful about. My partner forgives me but I haven't forgiven myself. It really pains me that I brought so much suffering to the person I love and all she ever did was to love me back.
Ariadne Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 What do you mean by that? It really pains me that I brought so much suffering to the person I love and all she ever did was to love me back. Well, now you understand that whatever it is that you did will only cause a person pain. Next time, in front of a similar situation, you'll have this experience and be more compassionate.
White Flower Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 When you recognise things you've done wrong, cruel things you've said, ways you've acted and behaved in the past that have not only caused pain to your partner....but sabotagued your own happiness, and you feel the guilt and pain of that, how do you forgive yourself instead of continue punishing yourself? Recognizing what you've done is the key that helps you unlock the door to change. You're well on your way once you implement those changes. Another key is to remember so the changes become permanent.
gregory_z Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Well, now you understand that whatever it is that you did will only cause a person pain. Next time, in front of a similar situation, you'll have this experience and be more compassionate. I will. I finally learned my lesson. Trying to see the silver lining here.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Guilt and self-flagellation are useless emotions. Remorse and restitution are worthwhile. So, how do you handle letting things go, when say, you've broken a plate or a cup? Do you kick yourself for days, weeks, months and years or are you much more careful when you pick up the next plate? In all honesty Trialbyfire i'd probably think I was stupid for ages afterwards, its the kind of person I am. I am VERY hard on myself for some reason. I've been a lot less so the past month but then for about 2 days it seemed to come back again.
2manyproblems Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 well i am a man who is in a relationship with a girl who does stupid, abusive, destructive things. i have always forgiven her. what would make me happy is to see her overcome her problems and be happy. perhaps you can focus your energy on overcoming your problems and everything else will follow naturally?
gypsi Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 hey 2manyproblems so you love your gf with all her flaws and selfdestructive behaviour what if you left her because of this and she really made an effort to improve herself would you give her a second chance? I was told by my ex that love isnt it enough....
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 In all honesty Trialbyfire i'd probably think I was stupid for ages afterwards, its the kind of person I am. I am VERY hard on myself for some reason. I've been a lot less so the past month but then for about 2 days it seemed to come back again.It's okay to hold yourself to a higher bar. But self-flagellation is destructive so it's time to learn to let things go. You've done the normal, in that you've demystified the ex, by deconstructing him. This is a great way to cut the ties that bind. Now you're internalizing, which is also a great way to self-evaluate. Your next step is to balance the two. What you'll probably find is that the two of you aren't compatible in your needs and wants. Just make sure you learn something from it and realize that finger pointing, whether externally or internally, isn't going to do anyone any good. Own what's honestly yours and fix, if need be. If you need him to own what's his, do that in your mind and tell yourself that these traits aren't what you're looking for, in a future partner. You've come a long way, in such a short time since the breakup. Don't get stalled in this self-destructive part of the cycle for healing. Keep on moving on.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 It's okay to hold yourself to a higher bar. But self-flagellation is destructive so it's time to learn to let things go. You've done the normal, in that you've demystified the ex, by deconstructing him. This is a great way to cut the ties that bind. Now you're internalizing, which is also a great way to self-evaluate. Your next step is to balance the two. What you'll probably find is that the two of you aren't compatible in your needs and wants. Just make sure you learn something from it and realize that finger pointing, whether externally or internally, isn't going to do anyone any good. Own what's honestly yours and fix, if need be. If you need him to own what's his, do that in your mind and tell yourself that these traits aren't what you're looking for, in a future partner. You've come a long way, in such a short time since the breakup. Don't get stalled in this self-destructive part of the cycle for healing. Keep on moving on. Thanks trialbyfire, your words really mean a lot
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks trialbyfire, your words really mean a lot ((hugs)) darling! You're going to be fine.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 ((hugs)) darling! You're going to be fine. You really are so lovely Your replies have always helped me so thankyou very much. It means a lot more than you probably even realise!
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