spicynest Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I feel a little guilty about posting this question, but the situation isn't changing and I don't want it to get worse. Little background - married three years one child (mid 30's). I adore my husband. He's perfect - we have a real partnership - he makes me laugh - he does more than his share of the work - great provider - and stellar father. Seriously he's the whole package. Our sex life - how to say this - not boring but only one position. This seems so weird but the sex is good, but we seriously only do it one way unless I am really hammered (that's just dainty ). My biggest fear in life is getting divorced. So I want to do everything I can to ensure that does not happen. And I feel like if we don't spark up things now - it is never going to happen. He's going to get bored and leave me. So why don't I just try something new? I feel weird about it with him. And in my past (not to provide TMI) but I have been a rather adventurous person sexually. I have bought one of the envelope books where you each take a turn but that never really launched. Now I am embarassed by the whole thing. Is it as important as I think it is? How do I make this happen without being so embarassed by this? Any advice that you have would be greatly appreciated.
Heroic Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Since this is a team activity your not going to get anywhere without communication. When I got married I was a virgin and the wife wasn't. The sex was good but we were definately on different pages, she was on the twce a day page and I was on the twice a month page. Took me a about two years to get the idea in my head that were were in need of a new bedroom plan. We opened up the communication and have come a long way. Our frequency is 5-10 times a week and were a whole lot more adventerous. It all starts with the talk...
Author spicynest Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Heroic - thanks for the reply. I dread talking to him about it because any time I bring up a topic for discussion - he assumes he has done something wrong. I don't believe in blaming anyone if something needs to be fixed/adjusted. But he always thinks that if it isn't perfect then he has done something wrong and gets defensive. Is variety that important? I would like something different but I wouldn't leave him or cheat on him over it. It is only one way, but the one way is excellent.
voldigicam Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 "Honey, here's some wonderful rope I got, and here are some instructions. Please? There's also a blindfold"
z1850 Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Take the initiative and do what you want with him. You have the right to do that. Most men would be pleasantly surprised.
Heroic Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 OK try this: 1. Find a local upscale boutique style adult store. 2. Ask him what his favorite flavor is. 3. Take him to the store and buy a lube in that flavor. 4. While your there buy one of those interesting little lingere costumes His jaw will be unhinged. 5.Take him home 6. After the fireworks tell him next weekend is his turn to pick out something new to try. 7. On wednesday tell him that your looking forward to your next weekend adventue. 8. Repeat as nescessary.
Gunny376 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Being a success in marriage is a lot of thing both in and out of the bedroom. The big three is communication, finances, and sexual compatibility. Interpersonal communication is not stressed enough in and out of the bedroom, nor before and during marriage. They teach us about personal finance in our formal and informal education system as they do about sex. You might want to read Hellen Kreidman's books For you, "Light His Fire" (but don't let him read it!) For him, "Light Her Fire" (but you don't read it) For both of your, "How Can We Light A Fire When The Kids Are Driving Us Crazy" Make sure you 'date your mate' and so another quick reference guide would be: "Two Thousands To Do On A Date" "Romance 101" "1001 Ways To Be Romantic" "1001 More Ways To Be More Romantic" For him in the bedroom? "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure" "How To Satisfy A Woman Every time and Have Her Beg For more!"
MarkTwain Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Heroic - thanks for the reply. I dread talking to him about it because any time I bring up a topic for discussion - he assumes he has done something wrong. Then don't use words From what you are saying, you have both become a bit stuck, and perhaps even prudish. Inside however, you are not a prude... So the way to takle this is to work on yourself first. Start fantasizing. Think about what turns you on. Then after several days/weeks of this, start making the milder aspects of your fantasy a reality. You are absolutly right that sex is important. However, the position you use is irrelevant. What really matters is whether you both get off to the maximum of your potential. There are many aspects that make a persons sexual "finger-print", and not everybody has the same segments. Here is a simple list: The visual Some people are very visual creatures, and every item in the picture will add or subtract to their hight of arousal. Simple sexual friction This is simply the act of sex, and the physical sensations. Changing position only affects this aspect of sex if it improves or makes worse the sensations. Fetish This basically covers anything to do with the mind. Kinky would be another word. Fetishism can go from very mild - to extreme. Some people go wild if you spank them gently during sex. Obviously there is some physical element to this, but the main affect is psychological. Closeness and intimacy For some people the main thing they get form sex is tenderness and closeness. Even men who are of this type will speak of "making love" rather than "having sex". There are more items on the list, but these 4 sprung to mind. Few people are just in one mode. I myself cover the last 3, but I am not very visual at all. I am more interested in whether the woman is smiling than what she looks like! My wife however is visual, so I have to keep my hair cut etc. If you and your husband can fulfil each other in all of these sexual modes to the fullest extent - or if you can at least fulfil the 2 most important for each other, divorce is most unlikely, all other things being equal...
manugeorge Posted June 10, 2009 Posted June 10, 2009 Heroic - I dread talking to him about it because any time I bring up a topic for discussion - he assumes he has done something wrong. I don't believe in blaming anyone if something needs to be fixed/adjusted. But he always thinks that if it isn't perfect then he has done something wrong and gets defensive. . Ugh!, how annoying. I think I will adress this character trait very closely because it will definitely seep into other parts of your marriage, if it hasn't already.
Author spicynest Posted June 11, 2009 Author Posted June 11, 2009 I think all of these replies are very helpful. It really covers the straight forward and the behind the scenes how things really work. He is coming home from a week away so I will suck it up and try initiating first. Then perhaps a little talking afterwards when he is nice and relaxed. Perhaps there will be less defensiveness that way. Oh and the defensiveness - every time we have any kind of "discussion". I have never met a man that insecure before. He is a perfectionist and any little thing can dent his ego. I have to be careful how I approach this or it could not end well. Again, thank you all for your help. This probably will not be the last time you hear from me.
Queen of Hearts Posted June 11, 2009 Posted June 11, 2009 OP, I know you say that the one way you do it is fantastic and all, but don't you get bored with the monotony? Don't you want something different? Or, are you only worried about him?
Author spicynest Posted June 12, 2009 Author Posted June 12, 2009 I am not really bored, but I worry if he finds me attractive or if he is getting bored. I had a baby a year ago so I worry if he does not find me attractive anymore, the usual...
mark982 Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 when he's due to come home, get a sitter,when he opens the door,be naked or in something racy. let nature take it's course.
OregonTraveller Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Another book I read was "Kosher Adultery"....basically how to have an affair with your SO. He had some very good points. But it takes 2 and my DW revolted at the title... Basically once you completely trust the other...they lose their sexualality...too much trust puts water on the fire thats needed. And when you think about how those that have affairs risk EVERYTHING for the spark that that gives them.... Its a good read and wow...some of the ideas... Brian
MarkTwain Posted June 12, 2009 Posted June 12, 2009 Another book I read was "Kosher Adultery"....basically how to have an affair with your SO. He had some very good points. But it takes 2 and my DW revolted at the title... Don't be fooled be her need to preserve her dignity. If you leave it so so she will trip over it, she might pick it up and read it, as long as she thinks you are not looking. If you leave it somwhere and make an exact note of the position, you will probably find it mysteriously moves by itself It's taken me years to realise you have to give women an alibi - you have to hint at things and then let them get on with it behind your back. If you for things point blank - the answer is usually NO.
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