sinkerswim Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 All in a matter of days!!! I really need advice here...or words of encouragement. (please bear with me here) I just got home from the most wonderful visit with my boyfriend. When I say it was one of the most wonderful times of our lives..it truly was..because it was also a reunion for us..as we separated this past late January. In that time..he got a great new job and moved 4 hours west from where we lived before. We got back together and set the date for me to visit..in that time he knew he wanted me to move there and be with him again. Now..like I said...I got off the plane at the airport last Friday..he played our favorite song on his Blackberry when he kissed and held me tight for a good 5 minutes. We spend the most AMAZING few days together.. he told me he wants to marry me..that he will never take me for granted again, that he is so looking forward to me moving there and I even had a job assessment at a temp agency while I was there. So..we made the date that I move there to July 26th. The whole weekend he told me that He is so in love with me and that he will never let me go again...that he now knows what he had in me all along. He said his apartment is now my home, too...so we did some yard sales together and before I even visited he bought me some special little things for the apartment. (including a picture frame for a wedding photo!) The day he took me to the airport he just held me and told me how much he loves me forever and that he told me not to sweat it..because July 26th will be here before we know it...it will go fast. He kept saying that. He said...You know I want to marry you and we will be together forever. He always says..I can barely wait until you live here with me. Everything is still great and all... of course I come home and now I am so depressed...because the 5 days we were together flew by. NOW... Here is where things might go wrong... the past 2 days at work for him have been pure hell.. he works in tech support..where he is on the road all the time in a 150 mile radius of Kansas City. He works and shares tickets with one other dude. Now in the past few days..this other guy is screwing up big time..which means way more work for my boyfriend and now the other guy is probably quitting..which is making my boyfriend even more miserable (16 hour days)...and now he probably wont even get the time to come out here to PA to get me to help me move by the end of July. So it is like I am limbo as to what is happening. I told him I will get out there no matter what..that I will just drive out with what I have. and he said..yeah..then maybe we can pick up more stuff later on. At first I said though..is this gonna change the plans? and he said the only way it would change is if he lost his job and didnt have the money. It just seems like the plan is all falling apart now because of the other guy!! My boyfriend is now in a rotten mood and couldnt really talk before..(he was lost going to the job and was aggravated that he even had to take that place..when the other guy was supposd to) My dilemna is....I dont know how much I should bring up the move again..or just wait til he cools down. I am sooo upset. This time last week..we were at a water park and having the time of our lives... today I am crying because he is stressed and cant talk. I dont know what to do. I talked to my mom about it and she said..you dont have to talk to him every minute of the day... he still loves you..but he is stressed and aggravated... I told her I dont want this to change his mind about me. I have major OCD and I know this is irrational. But I WORRY so much.. I just want to live there with him and KNOW for sure what date!! He kept telling me at the airport the time will be here before we know it..and now I dont even know if this will be the date now. I cant stop crying.
KikiW Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 This has nothing to do with you. This is only about his job and his co-worker. Please do yourself and him a favor - do not add to his stress by being worried about how this affects YOU. You two have a plan to move there and you have a date set. If he is dogpiled with work, just let him know that you will grab a couple friends and pack the u-haul yourself and drive out. You need to be a support to him now. Tell him everything will be ok, and you wish you could be there now to make him a nice relaxing dinner and rub his shoulders, whatever it is that makes him happy.
Author sinkerswim Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 OMG Kiki thank you so much for writing back..Ive been so down today. I guess I need to relax a bit. I am just worried about calling tonight again. I know he is super stressed and I dont want to add to that. But tell me..I wrote this email to him about 3 hours ago and do you think it is good?? I dont know if I should call any more tonight. Although, if I call and he doesnt answer because he is aggravated...I will get paranoid. OMG..what do I do?? here is the email I sent him that he should have gotten on his Blackberry today. Tell me what you think Hey Baby... I know you are having a bad day..but remember how much you are loved by me! And I will be here for you no matter what! Keep your chin up..OK? Like I said..Everyday is a new one... It will be soon that we will be living together and I can take good care of you. Love you always, forever! I will talk to you sometime later today, Sweetie.
hoping2heal Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I agree. You are making this all about you, when he is the one going through the terrible time. As kiki said; this is where you need to support him. If that means compromising and finding a different way to do things such as getting friends to help you move instead, then that's what you do, because the best way you can support him is by making things easier for him, instead of trying to figure out how to make everything better for you.
KikiW Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 That was a very nice supportive email I am sure it will brighten his day. Don't worry if he doesn't contact you tonight - let him relax. You know he is crazy about you, and based on what you've written you have absolutely no reason to worry. He is obviously very stressed out, so let him decompress after a long day. What you could do is ask him what YOU can do to help HIM. Will sending him texts through the day with little "I love you"s or "You are wonderful" be a good thing or will it be a distraction from him needing to concentrate? Let HIM tell you what he needs. But remember to keep in mind, this has nothing to do with you. You just need to be his anchor, not another stressful element, ok?
Author sinkerswim Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks for your responses you guys.. It is much appreciated..sometimes you just don't know where to turn, ya know?? I am glad I can come here. He did call me tonight after he got home, and said he was sorry he took his frustrations out on me earlier. I told him that he didn't really....that it was OK..and that I understood he was lost. He said his Blackberry wont let him talk and use Navigation without keep refreshing the screen..so it was a bit annoying for him. I am so glad we talked this evening. I did tell him I was here for him..I know he appreciates it. He was just happy that he didn't have to work the rest of the night...he has been working crazy ever since Tuesday since he dropped me at the airport. He always tells me he likes to make me happy..that makes me feel good. But I am one of those people who needs constant reassurance..and I wish I wasn't like that. He said he wants me out there as soon as I can...but I can tell he was preoccupied with playing his computer game he loves. Is it normal to want constant reassurance every day and talk about it all the time? My therapist says..no..he poured the cement..it is set. He wants you out there...don;t keep bringing it up over and over. It wouldn't be normal if that is ALL he talked about every time we talked. I guess she is right. Ugh..I guess I just dont want this to go away. I love him sooo very much. Again, thank you for your advice you guys. I will ask him what I can do to make him feel better. And if you can...can you guys tell me if the constant reassurance thing is normal?? LOL even though I KNOW he wants me to move there? I have major OCD.
hoping2heal Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 As someone who also sees a therapist, because I have a different psychology (as I've now just learned within the past few days ) than people who have not suffered sexual abuse etc, I will say this; I think the need for constant re assurance is normal.. FOR YOU. I think the general quick response would be "no, that's not normal, why do you always need to be re assured? Get it together already!" But I understand all too well what it's like when your thoughts run along a different path than the others around you, and that is just normal for you. Now, I do think it's problematic for you however, obviously it causes stress and anxiety yes? So I would embrace that this is normal for you, but that it is an issue you would like to work on to not obsess so much (I'm guessing you believe OCD is why?) I know me personally, let's see..do I need re assurance constantly? I don't know, I'm not sure. I don't think I need to hear "I want to be with you" constantly, but I need to see some signs that he does, I'm not used to stability and someone actually trully being there for me, so I'm always waiting for the ball to drop so to speak; that is normal for me but that said, it is something I certainly want to work on.
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