Questioning

[MusicChick24]

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. We are like fire and ice but as a combination that has worked for us thus far. We have discussed the option of marriage but he hasn't formally proposed yet. I love him alot because he is fabulous at his best, but when he's not in a good mood he gets pissy with me for no reason, and when I have anything to say he cuts me off by any means whether its ignoring me or hanging up and refusing to talk to me. It's very annoying because not only does he hurt me, and make me feel bad. I feel that I deserve better at some times. And when he acts this way it affects the way his family thinks of me because when him and I have a problem they see it as my fault nomatter what happened.

 

I have gotten to the point of reconsidering if I really want to be connected to him for the rest of my life. He's my best friend, confidant and we've spent a long time together, and our families have started to connect. It was beginning to point to all the right things but now I'm not so sure what I want. The more I enjoy the idea of discussing a marriage and life with him...the more I begin to worry if he is THE ONE like I've been thinking and if I should really commit to spending eternity with him. Should I know this already?

 

What should I do?

[Soul Bear]

Are you my ex???!!! (obviously not, but hey)

 

I have one piece of advice for you here, and I implore you to take it on board very seriously.

 

BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

 

From my own STUPID mistake, I lost 'THE ONE' with a very similar relationship to you guys and your thoughts and situation. I will be living in regret now for a long time to come.

 

PLEASE, talk to each other about these problems and work them through. PLEASE.

I was quite like your fiance, and my ex was quite like you. Do what you can to help each other work this out and keep communicating.

 

 

EDIT* Our relationship was identical to yours, same problems and everything.

I would do anything to have her back in my life again, anything. But my pissyness at times drove her away.

 

I will never be like that in a R EVER again. PLease talk to him about it and get outside help if need be.

[MusicChick24]

Are you my ex???!!! (obviously not, but hey)

 

I have one piece of advice for you here, and I implore you to take it on board very seriously.

 

BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

 

From my own STUPID mistake, I lost 'THE ONE' with a very similar relationship to you guys and your thoughts and situation. I will be living in regret now for a long time to come.

 

PLEASE, talk to each other about these problems and work them through. PLEASE.

I was quite like your fiance, and my ex was quite like you. Do what you can to help each other work this out and keep communicating.

 

 

EDIT* Our relationship was identical to yours, same problems and everything.

I would do anything to have her back in my life again, anything. But my pissyness at times drove her away.

 

I will never be like that in a R EVER again. PLease talk to him about it and get outside help if need be.

 

 

It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through this. That alone helps alot. The thing that makes me want to go is his unwillingness to change, but he tells me that he wants to marry me and that I'm the only for him yet he treats me the way he does. When he asks if I love him I tell he "of course" and he'll say that he loves me but I feel like "Well then act like it" but I say nothing.

 

Everytime we have that same conversation after any and every argument it just comes out to I shouldn't yell, but I feel that if he doesn't want me to yell I don't want to be treated the way I am. But in his eyes he is unfallable and I am the great mistake, almost identical to how his parents feel about me. Everytime we have an argument he seems to not feel like he needs to change and that I need to do all the changing.

 

I am pissy too but I say I'm sorry and I TRY to stop. He never says the words "I'm sorry" for ANYTHING and he doesn't think he needs to stop. I feel like he doesn't think I deserve respect and consideration.

[Lucky_One]

It might be a good idea for you to look at the common predictors of a successful marriage. They usually include being similar in personality characteristics, having the same religious background, having similar socio-economic backgrounds, not coming from a home of divorce as a child, holding the same beliefs and values, not living together prior to marriage, being introduced by family and friends, holding off on marriage until the late 20's, and being more educated than less educated - but the key predictor in all studies is communication.

 

Effective and honest communication on all aspects of a relationship (work ethics, household chores, sex, friendships with others, familial responsibilities, religious beliefts, etc) are imperative as to whether a relationship can maintain itself for long-term mutual benefit.

 

Quite simply, while opposites can atract, they don't always make successful life partners - there are just too many differences.

[Soul Bear]

OK...well I will tell you what happened with me.

 

She left me. Its been 2 months now. I am GUTTED...gutted is not even the right word...

I am * undescribable *...thats better

 

When I found out it was for real, and I pushed her to far I begun to change.

She tells me that we will never be together ever again, that we were not meant to be, she is interested in someone else now bla bla bla...all sorts of really hurtful things to push me away further to let me know that ITS OVER FOR GOOD.

 

If she had given me hope, I would not have been able to change and we would have gone back into our old ways again. 2 months on and she has declined every attempt at reconciliation with a cold, harsh and unfriendly front.

Now I know its over and she is for real, I have made a BIG effort to change my ways for the better. I will NEVER make those mistakes again and be willing to forgive and trust again after all the pain and hurt.

 

I still 'hope' one day that we will re-unite again. But who knows. She seems really happy to be free and asked me for NC until I lose these feelings for her (her words not mine)

 

So in a way, if you want to be tactical, and you want him to change for GOOD, i guess you could do what my ex fiance has done. Its hurt like hell, and it will DESTROY your fiance, but he will get stronger again and if he loves you, not make those same mistakes again.

 

This is a VERY watered down version of what has happened, but you can PM me if you like and I will tell you more that could help you both. We are both on the opposite sides of the fence here in IDENTICAL situations. The similarities are uncanny.....

[MusicChick24]

It might be a good idea for you to look at the common predictors of a successful marriage. They usually include being similar in personality characteristics, having the same religious background, having similar socio-economic backgrounds, not coming from a home of divorce as a child, holding the same beliefs and values, not living together prior to marriage, being introduced by family and friends, holding off on marriage until the late 20's, and being more educated than less educated - but the key predictor in all studies is communication.

 

Effective and honest communication on all aspects of a relationship (work ethics, household chores, sex, friendships with others, familial responsibilities, religious beliefts, etc) are imperative as to whether a relationship can maintain itself for long-term mutual benefit.

 

Quite simply, while opposites can atract, they don't always make successful life partners - there are just too many differences.

 

Ok well we are exactly the same in most of those. We go to the same church so obviously we are the same religion. We were introduced by friends in high school. We are relatively in the same range of socio-economic status. We are both constantly improving our education by attending college. We have decided to get married definitley after college, and we have enough money (duh). Our age will be dependant on what God wants for us. However his parents are still married, and my mom is divorced. I don't see what being a child of divorce has anything to do with it. Plenty of people who have divorced parents go on to lead successful marriages if for nothing but the fact that they are determined to not have what happend to their parents happen to them.

 

We are working on communication but its hard. I want him to talk to me and he says that guys aren't supposed to talk about their feelings and it frustrates me because when he gets mad about something he just shuts me out!

[MusicChick24]

OK...well I will tell you what happened with me.

 

She left me. Its been 2 months now. I am GUTTED...gutted is not even the right word...

I am * undescribable *...thats better

 

When I found out it was for real, and I pushed her to far I begun to change.

She tells me that we will never be together ever again, that we were not meant to be, she is interested in someone else now bla bla bla...all sorts of really hurtful things to push me away further to let me know that ITS OVER FOR GOOD.

 

If she had given me hope, I would not have been able to change and we would have gone back into our old ways again. 2 months on and she has declined every attempt at reconciliation with a cold, harsh and unfriendly front.

Now I know its over and she is for real, I have made a BIG effort to change my ways for the better. I will NEVER make those mistakes again and be willing to forgive and trust again after all the pain and hurt.

 

I still 'hope' one day that we will re-unite again. But who knows. She seems really happy to be free and asked me for NC until I lose these feelings for her (her words not mine)

 

So in a way, if you want to be tactical, and you want him to change for GOOD, i guess you could do what my ex fiance has done. Its hurt like hell, and it will DESTROY your fiance, but he will get stronger again and if he loves you, not make those same mistakes again.

 

This is a VERY watered down version of what has happened, but you can PM me if you like and I will tell you more that could help you both. We are both on the opposite sides of the fence here in IDENTICAL situations. The similarities are uncanny.....

 

 

The problem is I've gotten to where his actions have made me feel that my leaving him won't affect me. He often makes me feel like he would be better off without ME. It hurts. We have taken breaks before...not NC breaks but we have remained friends and I have dated other people. We took a break last year when he told me that he wasn't sure if he loved me...and we got back together two months later when he told me he knew he wanted to marry me. However sometimes I feel like he is lying to me to make him happy. Over four years our relationship has had its very unstable moments where I don't know if we are going to be together the next day..and I hate that. I need stability. And I've told him that. I told him that if he wasn't sure if he wanted me then I needed to find someone who would be sure of it. It seemed like he listened but the next day he's the same person again unchanged. I can't take it anymore. I've told him that and all he says is "If I'm so horrible, leave." and thats what hurts the most.