ConfusedWife1 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 [FONT=Palatino Linotype][/FONT][sIZE=2][/sIZE][COLOR=Navy][/COLOR] I am in need of some serious advice, if anyone has any to offer it would be greatly appreciated!!! I will try to make this as short as possible... I am going to be honest with my post and even though some of the things you may not all agree on, i would appreciate any negative feedback to be in a respectable manner... here we go... I met "Steve" almost 12 years ago..we met online in a chat room,..we chatted that day and realized that we not only knew a lot of the same people but that we lived literally 5 mins from each other... that very same night he drove over to my place and we sat by my house at a park...we talked and then he left... from that day on we were together ALL the time...I was at his house a lot...we went to the movies...did a lot of things! I should mention......Steve has 2 children from a previous relationship and I have 1 son also..so we did a lot of things together with our kids...almost every weekend!..our kids got along great...his oldest is only 2 weeks younger then my son... We had a very open relationship into our 4th year...we somehow got into the 'swinging' lifestyle and met another couple who we became very close with...we will call them "Michelle and Chris" ...anyways, even though we we in this sort of lifestyle we ALWAYS talked about our boundaries and how far is to far...we were ALWAYS very clear on that... our relationship this far seemed to be ok.... Steve has a lot of friends and loved to go out...and i didn't mind d because i loved to stay home and relax. sometimes i would go out with him but usually i would stay home and let him have time with his friends.... Into our 6th year i got pregnant with our son ...everything was perfect,...we were so happy...obviously our lifestyle had to change and it did... after the birth of my son we were like any other couple and completely stressed.....2 months later i found out i was pregnant AGAIN!...Steve couldn't handle the stress to good and i found myself alone all the time..with him never home and out drinking A LOT....Steve is an alcoholic but wont admit it yet...hes a happy drunk but still a drunk and i hated that. after the birth of our second son i started to notice our relationship slowly fade...we were not like how we used to be... Steve had no time for me ...his work schedule was just crazy hours and when he was not working he was out with his friends...I talked to him many times and it never seemed to matter to him.... 5 years ago...I got the surprise of my life...sitting in the Mandarin having dinner....I open the fortune cookie and it reads "WILL YOU MARRY ME"...I almost died!!! I now knew why he was working so much...to buy me an engagement ring!!...I felt so bad but it didn't excuse his late nights out coming home drunk every other night... anyways...on September 3/06 we got married...it was one of the happiest days of my life...and i will never forget it... 2 years ago...I got pregnant again....FINALLY with a GIRL!!! we were so overly happy and knew it was our last baby, our marriage was great and he was staying home and not drinking at all....things were amazing .... at the beginning of 2008 he started going out again, only this time he was hanging out with a really bad crowd...he ended up in jail for 4 months...he went to jail 11 days after his daughter was born...and got out when she was 4 months... from the time he got out he was a different person...or so he seemed...2 months later...he went back to drinking and NEVER being home..he would leave on a Friday night and come home on Sunday...not answer his cell...he was very disrespectful all the time...he just didn't care anymore and i could feel it... this went on and on for months and months....at the beginning of 2009 i knew in my heart that i was not happy anymore...i felt alone and sad all the time..i knew he was out doing things he shouldn't have been doing... In Feb 2009 we connected to one of our friends who we hadn't seen in over 5 years...it was so great to see "Jay"...I always liked him he was a great person ...so Jay started hanging out at our place a lot and we would all have fun together... Jay and I became very good friends...better then he got along with my husband... we would have "party" nights and drink..i would get up with my kids in the morning and Jay would help...my husband would sleep and not wanna help.... Jay and I realized after 3 months that we have feelings for each other......I knew it was wrong, but i couldn't help it. it just happened!...Jay knew ALOT of things about my husband that he eventually told me, things from over 5 years ago as well as recent things.. I found out not to long ago that my husband has been cheating on my our WHOLE relationship...the whole 12 years!!! he cheated on me while i was pregnant both times....with MICHELLE...the girl from the couple we met...Michelle was my Maid ot Honor at my wedding ...my best friend....it happened before and after my wedding.... Steve has cheated on me over 30 times...hes had sex with his friends girlfriends...and just anyone he could i guess.... I just found this out about 2 months ago...not just from Jay...from A LOT of people...even my own friends knew..my family knew about Michelle...and no one told me...Steve is good friends with my brother and told him everything.... Steve cheated on me on our wedding day, with a guest who was there that he had already slept with months before... so now...what was the happiest day of my life turned out to be a complete joke...and is not the worst.... while finding all of this out...I have fallen in love with Jay...The feelings i have for him i have not felt in a very long time...he is so good to me..he cares and loves me so much... I love my husband too, but i am having a really hard time forgiving him...he has admitted EVERYTHING to me...and even though we are still living together right now i am finding it very hard to even look at him... Steve has started AA and wants nothing more but to work it out with me... I am so confused.... Our house has been sold and we need to move by August 1st... I don't know, do I move on my own with my kids and end my marriage? or do i try and save it after 12 years? I don't know...can Steve REALLY change??? or am i a fool to think that could happen? Jay is a GREAT guy he makes me feel like no one else ever has...I love him so much and i don't wanna hurt either of them...someone is going to get hurt and i hate myself for that. Do i give hubby a second chance? or move on with Jay? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME??????!!!!!!!!!???????
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Hi there, Im really sorry you are going through this. I really feel for you. That is quite a history you got there...... But I will give you my HONEST opinion. Do i give hubby a second chance? or move on with Jay? This is what your whole post boiled down to. And Im afraid to say that NO ONE can answer that question except you. You need to weigh out the pro's and con's of the 2 men in your life and make a descision, not a hasty one, but you need to make a descision quickly and effectively based on your logic and your heart TOGETHER. You also need to make this descison based on your CHILDRENS future and YOUR needs. If there were not children involved, im sure that there may be a few people who would say which man to chose, but the fact that they are now in the equation, no one here is responsible for their future except you, and no way would I like to be the one responsible for their future from making a descision like that for you. hence there is NO WAY I will be even commenting on which one to be with. So at the end of the day, I can only help you to help yourself on this matter. I wish you the best of luck. Big Hug from Scotland SoulBear
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I hope your not being sarcastic! Would you rather I told you which man to go with? Sorry if your not, text is hard to comprehend the tone, the 'LOL' kind of threw me off
Author ConfusedWife1 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 oh my gosh...no!!! I was not being sarcastic!! not at all!! i was thanking you for your advice...i really so appreciate it!! sorry if it came across that way!
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 oh my gosh...no!!! I was not being sarcastic!! not at all!! i was thanking you for your advice...i really so appreciate it!! sorry if it came across that way! Stupid Bear!! Your very welcome. Please keep us posted ok?
Author ConfusedWife1 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I wish someone could just say "do this!!" and then everything would be ok... I'm in such a bad situation and just so confused!!
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 DO THIS- Think for yourself. What is BEST for YOUR FUTURE and your CHILDREN. No no one here will 'bear' the responsibility of making a possible bad descision for you...not even me...and I AM a Bear Tell you what, tell us your concerns for each man- tell us what you THINK would be the right move?
Author ConfusedWife1 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Steve... Together for 12 years...3 young children together, we have so much history together that i feel was never real to him...for him to do this to me...he blames his alcohol problem which im sure had some play in his bad decisions but i just cant seem to forgive....i still love him, so much but sometimes that's not enough...i have no trust at all in him...i know people can change..if they really want too...he says he does..he begs and pleads with me to give him another chance...i just feel im going to end up paying for his mistakes....I looked at as the bad one who broke up my family... he is a good father but a ****ty husband...he is capable of being a great husband like he used to be...hes admitted his mistakes and willing to do whatever it takes to have me back Jay.....I have no worries,. I trust him completely...we are good friends and our relationship started that way 8 years ago....i feel like he came back into my life for a reason...we dont have to much history but we do have a future...the thought of hurting him KILLS me... he makes me feel like the most important person alive...his only downfall is that hes not financially stable...i mean, he lives in a basement apartment...has no job at the moment...not that this matters to me..but if im living alone as a single mother with 4 children..I need to think of these things.... he gives me everything Steve doesnt.... does this help?
Soul Bear Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Does this help you?!! I wrote you a huge reply, but I just deleted it as I fear whatever is said on here will encourage you to make the descision of someone else instead of you and the future of your children. You need to take some time away from both these men and reflect with no distractions. This is a pretty serious scenario here and will effect the future of not only you, but your children too and for the rest of their lives. You have to realise that for every action there is a reaction that effects the growth of everything in your world. Im glad my folks finally stayed together after my dad cheating. Took a lot of hard work, and its not easy, but it is the best thing having them both around.
Author ConfusedWife1 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 Thanks for the advice.... I am so confused
desertsun09 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 This man cheated with you on your wedding day and continued to cheat on you for twelve years. I don't blame you for not looking at him the same way. With that being said, it may just be infatuation you are feeling for Jay. I agree with Soul, take some time away from both of them and get your head together and the answer will come to you.
asuman Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 I don't think you can do an either-or and wind up in a good place. You need to first decide whether or not to leave Steve. Once you have left him, and once you are over him (which could take a long, long time), then you can decide whether to be with Jay or anyone else. Steve is a serial cheater, a liar, a bad husband, and a convicted felon. I would give him no more chances as he's used up all of them.
lora22 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Honestly, unless you think that the right thing to do for your children is to stay with Steve, I think that you need to divorce him, never speak to him again unless it's in regards to your children, and then once your get your head straight, decide if you want to date Jay or not. I don't see this as a "which man should I choose" situation but rather a "this guy needs to go" situation.
Author ConfusedWife1 Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 Thanks...I appreciate everyone's replies!
Ariadne Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Do i give hubby a second chance? or move on with Jay? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME??????!!!!!!!!!??????? Some situation, and a bunch of children involved. Well, it seems like you were happy with your husband in ignorance. He was cheating all along, but besides that, you had a good life with him. Now you are up to facing the shocker of what he was doing, and I'm sure it's turned your world upside down. I doubt he'll change, and you may become paranoid, see if you can handle that life and make not much fuss of it. Eventually he'll have to slow down. On the other hand, this Jay guy it seems like you barely know him. Since you got together with him in Feb this year, a few months ago. (I know you knew him from before but in different circumstances). It'd be a big gamble to go for this guy, even if feelings are good now and you are enjoying (like your husband did), but at least you still have feelings for your husband and are basically mad, which is a good thing. See what you decide. Good luck.
Tizzy Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I think you need to divorce your husband and leave both guys alone. No offense, but it doesn't seem like either one can possibly do you or your children any good. i think you need to be on your own for a while and clear your head and really think about what's good for yourself and your children. Why hop from one man to another so quickly? Sounds like you're trying to fill a void. Do some serious soul-searching and learn what a healthy relationship and mate looks like. This takes time. Take your focus off of men and focus on what's important--you and your kids!
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