pidgeon0824 Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Hello everyone, I am so glad to have found this community, a place I can be honest and not hide or pretend to be something I am not. My ex and I dated for four years. The first two years was great until he went on a business trip to a country that has been known as the homewrecker he changed. i found out he cheated on me with a couple women over there. we decided to break up and I was hurt but willingly accepted since it is for the better. he then started to talk to me again and wanted to get back. foolish me I agreed and continued to date him for the next two years. he never changed, he became this womanizer I didn't know. I didn't even know who I was dating. his friends even instigated him to cheat on me even though they know of me and are friends with one of my siblings. I was hoping that if I am patient enough and show him through actions how much I care he will change. I would go to work and school and then grocery shopping and then stop by his home. I would clean, cook and do his laundry while waiting for him. our dates would consist of fixing up his frist home ever and staying in because he is tight financially. when he is sick even at the middle of the night i would drive over half an hour drive to make sure he's ok. I felt and thought I did so much for him. but then again he is always online looking for more women, i felt so ugly. I felt like i'm so ugly that's why this guy doesn't want to be with me. He then started to verbally abuse me, then emotijonally abuse me, mentally abused me and then physical abuse at times. I dont know where I went wrong. so then after two years of patience I ran out of courage to stay and left him for good. two weeks of no contact and not replying to any of his messages. He showed up at my house one day and wouldn't leave until i get home from work. he was crying when speaking of how his childhood, his parents are never around and when he abused someone he was hurt and for a 32 year old guy to cry in front of i'm amazed. when he was hospitalized for a week, he cried to me thinking he was going to die and in the hopsital I spent 13 hours a day with him. Even after the plea, the beg, the tears I was deetermined so I refused his suggestion of getting back. he left broken hearted or atleast that's what it seemed to me. for the next few weeks he would come take me out, kind of like a first date only he was my first love. emails and chats with him would be of how great I am and how stupid he was and how much he loves me. a month or two later i guess he met someone through his friend and things started to change. he ignored me and is no longer interested in me only to find out he is interested in someone. i was so furious of his lies and deception one more time i went to his home (getting permission from his sibling) i even have the key i took everything i got for him, which is 99% of his wardrobe and such. he was furious and he brought a crow bar to my home and got my parents up and said how he is pissed and such. at one point he yelled out that he loved me so much and that's why he's that mad at me. and he left my home with this regretful expression. the next day he wrote apologizing and saying how when we speak we are both two very emotional people. He knows that he can't find anyone who can love him as much as I did and who can give him as much as i did and how great of a eprson he can't find. he said he just knows that things can't work out and feels we are on a different wavelength. he wanted to do foreign service and that a long distance relationiship won't work but give us a few years for him to do whatever and when he's ready to settle he'll come back. a week later he dated someone in canada and he lives in the virginia at the time. i felt so cheated and brokenhearted to see him find someone to replace me so quickly. only to find out i was pregnant but he didn't care even though I told him the news. I thought i can get over him but news of him being iraq as a civilian contractor hurts me and immediately those emotions and pain came back even after half a year of NC. i got weak and emailed him hoping him to be safe and he emailed back however slowly his emails became cold and distant. my heart still hurts, i still think of him everyday. I compare myself to his new lady, of how beautiful she is, how ugly i am. how so much better she is that he was willing to go on a long distance relationship. I want to cry so much but i felt i ran out of tears for crying too much. I never had closure from him, he apologized for everything but i never got my answers. I just wanted to know did he really loved me in the end? I have so many questions and no answers to be found. I dont think i will ever get them since he is the type to not let anyone but himself to say the last words. I think of him everyday, i still care for him........ i just want to know does he still cares for me and think of me? silly me huh? probably not since he has a new girlfriend. Help me please, i dont want depression to be a companion of mine.
hopesndreams Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I just wanted to know did he really loved me in the end? He treated you terribly and had no respect for you. He used you and you let him. You have such low self-esteem, I think it would be beneficial for you to see a therapist. i dont want depression to be a companion of mine. But it already is. Seek a doctor/therapist, perhaps medication, perhaps not. You do not value yourself and the only way you will find someone to value you is if you value yourself. You don't want to end up with another man that is just like him, or even worse, he comes back into your life and you take him back. Forget this loser. He's a disgrace.
Author pidgeon0824 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I am currently seeking therapy help and I must admit, I am much better in shape than I was since last year. It's just at times I dont know how it happens but I do relapse back into this, I miss him gear. I hate it but at the same time I am very hurt. I dont understand how and why do I keep on clinging onto this painful relationship. I want to move on and give myself another chance but before I can do so I need to let this go. It has been a full year and counting but to me i dont see much of a progress and I am frustrated. He was able to move on and not care and I want to know why I can't do the same? At times I do wonder what did I ever do wrong to be treated this bad?
Exit Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I agree with hopesndreams, you said some things that definitely point to needing help. If you have low self esteem and think that you're "ugly", that could contribute to part of why you are hanging onto this relationship. People with low self esteem subconsciously WANT to be in bad relationships, you want someone to treat you poorly, because on some level, you feel like you deserve it. You need to spend time working on yourself. While you focus on that, more time will pass, and it will be easier to get over him.
Author pidgeon0824 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Hopesndreams and Exit, thank you so much for replying and reading this ridiculous lengthy post. I dind't know where to write down how i truly feel but I am glad i did because you two have given me a different. I didn't look into the aspect of my low self esteem would want me to be back in the cycle. that is truly a eye opening statement for me. Thanks guys! I will definitely push myself harder to let go of the nasty statements and look at myself and truly be contempt with myself and not care what others think. Thanks again!
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