My 'lovely' boyfirend left me for someone else.

[caz83]

Me and my boyfirend were together for just over 3 years and were always so so happy and in love. We were that couple that made everyone else jelous. We moved in together 2 years ago and everything was perfect, no problems, no arguments and he was always the most caring and loving person. In september he started a course at University to train to be a teacher, I had done the course the previous year so we knew it was hard work and would be tough on us as it takes up so much time, but we werent worried. Anyway, he satarted going on lots of nights out with the other people on his course and behaving like a student again (he is nearly 29, they are all 23-24), but I didnt really comlain, although it bothered me, and often would drop him off and pick him up etc. Any way, cut a long story short, he has ended up leaving me for a 23 year old girl off his course. It was so out of the blue, we hadnt been arguing or anything, even before the day he told me he was still saying how much he loved me and buying things for our flat etc. But now he has gone and moved out and will literally not speak to me atall. He says he is in love with her and is being nasty as though it is me who has done something bad not him. I am finding it really hard to accept, mostly because I dont understand. I didnt think there was anything wrong, because surely if we were having problems I would have noticed too?? I dont know how, after how serious we were, he can just cut me out of his life so easily and quickly. Sometimes it all seems laughable, like he is going through a bit of a late 20's crisis and liked the thought of her, who is younger and goes out and gets drunk with him and his friends, compared to me and his 'grown up' life living together. And, having done the course myself, I know how intense it is and you feel like you have this huge bond with the other people on it...but that soon ends when the course finishes! And I cant help but think that if it all goes wrong with her then he will come back to me, because why wouldnt he if we werent having any problems except her?

I just want to know if anyone has been through anything similar and how it worked out? So far everyone who I have spoken to who has been through a similar thing has said that they had been arguing for a while or something..but we hadnt. I dont need to hear that I need to get over it and move on etc, because Im not stupid and I know that, and I will eventually, but Im not at that point yet.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey Caz. You sound a pretty clued up, intelligent, perceptive individual so in all honesty I don't feel that you NEED any advice. You seem pretty aware of exactly what is occuring. It sounds to me like you had a great and healthy relationships which had obviously past the honeymoon stage and settled into something enduring and longer-lasting - a mature, serious, ADULT relationship. Your ex was put back in a situation where he was around people at a DIFFERENT phase of their life's - drinking, clubbing, having fun and as you say, you feel an intense bond with those on your course, perhaps to get you through the stress and strain. I think what occured was that your ex obviously developed feelings for this other girl, which I would bet my money is just infatuation/lust/a crush but because it reminds him of the intensity/excitement of the honeymoon stage and also reminds him of his youth, he has gone with her.

 

This doesn't mean there was ANYTHING wrong with your relationship. In fact if you HAD argued/disagreed, if there had been drama, that may have provided some kind of excitement/craziness for him (not saying this is preferable) but you had a solid, strong relationship and even in solid, strong relationships, people develop emotions/infatuations/crushes outside of that relationship - it is how these outside interests are HANDLED, and clearly in such a close and intense working environment his 'crush' developed into a 'relationship'. I will bet any money it wont last and he will be back for you once the novelty wheres off. Until then I would avoid contact with him and see what plays out....

[carhill]

IMO, he was 'thinking' the relationship, ergo the intellectual perfection it appeared to have. Acting would be too strong a word, but, really, who has a 'perfect' relationship and then just up and leaves seemingly without care or conflict? People who have no elemental emotions involved, that's who.

 

I've dealt with crises, being 50, and his behavior isn't indicative of any sort of personal crisis to me. If he has been/is in crisis, you'd know simply by the lack of 'perfection'. Rather, he's just going with his flow, what works for him, regardless of the impact on others.

 

IMO, accept that and enjoy your life and the attention of less 'perfect' men who feel relationships rather than think them. Not as pretty but a better basis for a long and less shocking LTR.

 

I'm still trying to imagine someone in their 20's who has no arguments and no problems for three years. That's almost a contradiction in terms

[caz83]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. Im in no way saying our relationship was fairytale perfect, we bickered about silly things like all couples that live together do, about silly things like whose turn it is to wash up! but I mean that we never had any big arguments or problems. To me it is so obvious that what he has with her is just the lustfull 'honeymoon' phase. Although he says it isnt a phase...but you never actually think that when yor in it do you!?! I just find it hard to understand because we get along so so well, we have so much in common and make eachother laugh all the time..and still do now, even in the bad times, so once all the initial 'lust' has worn of with her, what would be the difference in spending time with her to spending time with me!?

I think I am just panicking because we moved to a new city together 2 years ago, where neither of us is from, but now he has left I can't afford to stay in our flat on my own so at the end of the Summer I will be moving back in with my parents...a 3 hr drive away, while he stays here. And I know that once I move, Ill probably never see him again. So it feels like I have this time limit to make him see he has made a mistake. Although, people say that if he changes his mind, no matter how long it takes, it shouldn't matter where I am. Thats right isnt it?!

[carhill]

IMO, you two should still be in the 'honeymoon' phase, especially with the lack of serious relationship issues.

 

TBH, if you are as good for him as he has been for you, he will miss you. The extent of that 'missing' will indicate his emotional attachment; his 'love'. There's only one way to gauge that; by not pursuing him and moving on with your life, essentially mirroring the actions he has performed. No rancor. No pleading. No tears. Acceptance.

 

I still think he's emotionally detached but that's really irrelevant to your health. You can't control him.

[OpenBook]

Hi caz, welcome to LS and I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I know you're in a world of pain right now... still idealizing him and the relationship you had with him. From an outsider's point of view, though, this is an illusion. He would never have hurt you like this if he was the right guy for you. Never. Something was wrong, somewhere - whether it was part of his character (which I suspect... and in that case you have actually dodged a bullet!!), or you were both just a bad combination together, and he sensed it somehow.

 

I think he's a real jerk for the way he is treating you now ("being nasty as though it is me who has done something bad not him").

 

No matter how you feel right now, my suggestion would be to fight those urges to talk to him to try to understand what went wrong. Don't even give him the time of day!! He will only hurt you more, and will view you as psychotic, pathetic, etc. (You are NOT any of those things... but that is how men think. They can be unspeakably cruel when they break up with a woman.)

 

Prove him wrong. Hold your head up and look terrific whenever you go out in public, no matter how you feel inside. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you in pain. Move quickly and efficiently away from him, without a word. (This is devastatingly effective in giving others a positive impression of you... and it might just leave him wondering if he's made the biggest mistake of his life!!) And pour your heart out ONLY to the people you love and trust - your family and good friends.

 

And if he does eventually come crawling back to you, well... I would be sorely tempted to torture him for awhile, and then leave him twisting in the wind... but that's just me!

 

I'm rooting for you!! Keep posting if it helps... whatever you have to do in order to NOT contact him. You don't owe him or need him for anything. I think he's done quite enough!

[MinziGirl]

Am wondering only 1 thing: Didn't you sense beforehand that something is not right even before the breakup?

 

If you did, why didn't you confront him with it then?

[caz83]

No i didn't sense a thing! like I said, he was telling me how much he loved me and buying things for our apartment..which didn't indicate in anyway that he was planning on moving out of it. I think that is why it hurt so bad, it was the shock. As I had absolutly no idea. Maybe that was just me being stupid though. I knew they were texting each other alot, but he always said it was just as friends and I believed him because he hadn't given me any reason not to, and she had a boyfriend anyway (who she has now split up with to be with him, they must have had some sort of deal).

I am getting stronger though, a couple of weeks ago I was adamant that I would take him back if he asked and that is all I wanted and now, Im not saying I would definitly say no, but I'm not sure what I would say. Which is progress. I want to get to the point where if he came back (which I am begining to think isn't going to happen) I am strong enough to tell him to get lost. At the moment I just miss him, but I suppose its like breaking a habit, getting used to not having him there after spending every day with him for 3 years. I know I will get there eventually, but it just doesnt help this bit now! And as for us "not being a good combination for eachother"...if that was the case I dont think it would have taken 3 years to figure it out!!...or I hope not anyway!

[Nuala83]

I just want to know if anyone has been through anything similar and how it worked out? So far everyone who I have spoken to who has been through a similar thing has said that they had been arguing for a while or something..but we hadnt. I dont need to hear that I need to get over it and move on etc, because Im not stupid and I know that, and I will eventually, but Im not at that point yet.

 

Caz,

 

I'm not gonna tell you to get over it because obviously you're gonna be nowhere near that point but if you wanna know someone who's been through something similar, here I am right here! Quick recap:

 

Together almost 8 years

Very happy, very committed

Rarely argued

He started a new job and began hanging around with lots of younger folk (he's 27, they're 20 - 23ish) who were mostly students

He became very close to a 21 year old girl who fast became his best friend

A couple of months after he met her he abruptly broke things off with me

He said he needed space and time to find himself

He also said he missed being free and single

 

That's the quick version. It astounded me how quickly things turned from good to bad, it was so unexpected and like you he began to be quite nasty to me despite saying I'd done nothing to cause the breakup. Like you I thought it was a late 20's crisis and I expected since we'd had no previous problems he'd come back to me. Well here I am 3 months down the line and f*** all has changed.

 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I think people often refer to what your ex is going through as "grass is greener" syndrome. I like to think that when people break up there's usually a chance for reconciliation but in cases like ours where we've been ditched for someone else, there's not a lot we can do. When the flames die down, he'll most likely see what a fool he's been and want you back but by that time you'll probably tell him to go to hell.

[caz83]

Wow, you relationship is almost identical to mine. It just so hard to accept when everything points to it just being a silly phase. All the other lads on his course are either single or split up with girlfriends too and are all 'hooking up' with other girls off the course. It all seems so obvious and stupid to me, but then I suppose I dont really know what is going on in his mind. But in my mind it is definitly a case of thinking the grass in greener and its so frustrating that I just want to shake him!

Obviously I dont know how long it has actually been goin on with her but it has been just over a month since he moved out and they 'officially' got together. So they will still be in the fun, exciting phase.He says he loves her, but he hardly knows her and I think lust and love are easily confused. So I suppose there is not alot I can do but ride it out and see what happens and hope that if he does come back I am strong enough to say no. A friend at work gave me some good advice, they said that nothing I do or say will change his mind and make him come back, he knows me and he knows our memories, so the rest is up to him and the only thing that would make him change his mind is what what happens at his side between him and her. so all I can do is leave him to it and see what happens. But its just so frustrating and I am not that patient, especially when I am going to be leaving in two months and then that will be it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think over the duration of his course, he must have weighed up whether it was worth being with this new girl or remaining with you and if BOTH left their partners to be together, then as you said, they must have struck some kind of agreement or bargain. Who knows if their relationship is any more endurable or tangible than the one you shared with him? I suppose they have as good a chance as ANY of us in ANY relationship. I would do my best, as hard as it is, to simply leave him and her be, focus on yourself, I really do bet he will be in contact soon with his tail between his legs...and if that is the case, you need to decide how you would choose to proceed.

[Nuala83]

Caz,

 

The one piece of advice I would give you is NEVER to let him see you how much he's hurt you. I made the mistake of showing pain and rather than getting sympathy, it seemed to make my ex more cruel. He got an ego boost from it. If you do have to be around him or mutual friends, make damn sure you keep a smile plastered across your face. Not easy but I'd recommend it. I wish that's what I'd have done!

[caz83]

I think it might already be too late for that! He is very much aware of how much he has hurt me because each time I have seen him since I have ended up crying and it has just made him angry. I am stronger now though and am finding it alot easier to do the breezy thing and not contact him, but I am scared that the damage has already been done. I wish I had been like this from the start, but I think its a bit unrealistic of myself to think I could have been. And he can't have expected me not to have been upset.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think it might already be too late for that! He is very much aware of how much he has hurt me because each time I have seen him since I have ended up crying and it has just made him angry. I am stronger now though and am finding it alot easier to do the breezy thing and not contact him, but I am scared that the damage has already been done. I wish I had been like this from the start, but I think its a bit unrealistic of myself to think I could have been. And he can't have expected me not to have been upset.

 

Caz......of COURSE you were going to cry/show emotion. What human being with FEELINGS wouldn't? You can look back and wish you'd been clinical, mechanic, cold, emotionless but that would have been a FAKE response, your response was genuine and natural and real. The fact that he became angry says a lot about him; rather than feeling guilt he becoms angry because that way he can somehow justify his behaviour. The lack of sympathy from him is astounding. It seems he emotionally checked out in advance and the anger is his 'audacity' at you 'holding him back' by still having emotions for him and thus making it harder for him to just walk off into the sunset.

[caz83]

you are so right. My mum said the same thing, he gets angry at me because I'm not letting it be easy for him. But why should he be allowed to just get on with it while I have to go through this pain, that he caused!

[desertsun09]

"It seems he emotionally checked out in advance and the anger is his 'audacity' at you 'holding him back' by still having emotions for him and thus making it harder for him to just walk off into the sunset."

 

Wow Nikki, this really struck me, because my ex is doing the same thing. It's like they are pissed you are making it hard for him. So selfish!

 

Anyway, Caz, I really feel for you. I have been in a situation like yours in the past (not the current breakup I'm going through, but my marriage that ended several years ago). My ex husband ended up getting together with a younger girl (that's like a knife through the heart in and of itself) that he worked with. He worked for a really close knit company, where all of the employees were encouraged to be part of there fellow employee's lives. Well, I ended up finding all of these emails between my ex and this girl, saying he just needed to wait about 6 months before he could arrange to divorce me (to this day, I think it had something to do with our financial situation....basically putting himself in a place to get more money out of me or something). Well he didn't get the chance, as I confronted him (oh and did I confront him, but that's too long of a story!) and it was a huge mess. He didn't have to wait the 6 months after that!! My point is that you are not alone!

 

The thing is, my ex and this girl didn't last. In fact, she had a boyfriend that I think she ended up going back to in the end. Whenever you hurt those around you in such a way, you feel intense guilt, and the next relationship will always end in failure. Trust me on this one, they will not last. It may not be next week, but eventually, the way they behaved towards others will come back to bite them. Their grass is greener syndrome will take its toll and the honeymoon phase will be played out...he will wonder if they made a mistake leaving you.

 

But here's the thing....in time, you're NOT GONNA CARE if he made a mistake or not because you will have moved on with your awesome life. If he came back to you right now, would you really want him back?? I'm sure all of your family and friends are telling you what a douche bag he is, so listen to them. My mother is actually currently telling me she will disown me (well not really) if i get back with my ex! Listen to these people, they know what they're talking about. Would you have any self respect if you got with him again? You'd never feel secure ever again. Just think about it that way....he's ruined everything, there is no going back. Try to see him as who he is today, rather than who he was. That's what I'm trying to do in my current situation. (I'm the one who's pregnant with my ex's child and he has been a complete nightmware about the whole thing telling me terrible things and being mean to me for no reason, just to alleviate his own guilt for breaking up). So I hear ya!!

 

I know the feeling of not wanting to move away because you want to be in close proximity in case he changes his mind. I feel that in my current situation. I am struggling whether or not to return to the US or not, because my ex is here in Europe where I am. But, you are right, if he wants you back, he will walk through fire to be with you. Doesn't matter where you are. I would not continue with your life hoping for this though because the focus needs to be moving on and trying to heal from this so you can find someone who's not a jackass like this guy is! Why waste any more time. He totally doesn't deserve you....he deserves her because she's just as vile as he is, and they can live unhappily ever after in their messed up little world together.

 

Anyway, be kind to yourself. You deserve the best, and this guy is not worth it.....run as far away from him as possible and don't look back.

 

 

Desert

xx

[caz83]

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'd like to say that I wouldnt take him back, but the truth is that I dont really know what I would say, it would all depend on what he said and if he knew it was a mistake. But you are right, i would never beable to trust him again, or relax. I would think that I always have to look perfect and be this super fun person otherwise he might get bored and leave again. but I am wasting my time thinking about it really because there is nothing to say that he even will some back. He says he loves her and it isnt a phase, but do they always say that at the start? I think the struggle is that everyone just sees what he has done now and tells me I should forget him, but I have 3 years of memories of him bing the most lovely and caring boyfriend ever, compared to 2 months of him being nasty, so the good outwiegh the bad for me at the moment. Im waiting for that to change tho.

He has been round 4 or 5 time since it happened to collect mail that has been sent to the apartment, and each time he has been I have ended up crying...but so has he! Again I am pretty sure thats just because I make him feel guilty. He is having he mail re dircted now so he doesnt come anymore. The last time he came I was crying and so was he and that was when he told me he loves her and that we wont get back together and he said that he wont come and see me again if I just make him feel like sh*t when he does!...gosh, yes, how nasty of me to make you feel bad.

[caz83]

I need some advice. I havent tried the no contact thing yet, we have still text pretty much everyday since we split up, yes it is me texting first, but 9 times out of 10 he always replys and we have a bit of banter like we used to. So I have decided as of today to start NC. However, my reason isnt to help me get over him (although that will probably be a bonus that comes out of it) but because I want him to miss me and want me back (even if I dont want him, I want him to want me). Now, he finishes his teacher training course in 3 weeks time and, having done the course myself, I know what a big deal it is and what a relief it is to finish. We celebtated together when I finished mine and, having been there for him through all the hard work I was looking forward to celebrating together when he finished his. So my question is, what do you think will have the greatest effect in getting him to think of me/miss me.....1) no contact for the 3 weeks then send him a text on the day he finishes saying congratulations and that I knew he would do it etc (reminding him that I care and that I remembered the day)...or 2) no contact for 3 weeks and then no contact on that day either and so it might make him want to contact me to tell be he has graduated. hmmm. Bearing in mind that she is on the course too so they will probably be celebrating together. (which makes me angry because we knew the two years we were both training would be difficult, and I was there with him through all the stress and hard work and now, a month till the finish line where it all starts to get fun again, its her that gets to celebrate with him).

[Gottabestrong]

My suggestion would be to not contact him for the next 3 weeks AND not contact him on his graduation day. I am sure it is going to be quite difficult for you, but as you said - he is going to celebrate with her. If he does wonder what happened to you and starts to miss you during your time of NC, he will feel relieved when you contact him and enjoy celebrating with her even more. Don't do it. Let him wonder what happened to you and whether you totally forgot about him.

 

Good luck, hope you get what are hoping for!

[Jilly Bean]

A lot of people stay in relationships that are not personally satisfying, nor do they see any long term potential. But, they stick around until they find someone more suitable.

 

This sounds like your guy.

 

FWIW, I think it's a dirty and cowardly way to behave. If he wasn't happy with you, then he should have shown you the respect to leave you, before starting up with someone new.

 

Then again, don't be surprised if he shows up again in 3 months when she dumps him. That will around the time that you are moved on, and are over him. That's how it ALWAYS works!

[Exit]

I know how it goes with the whole "school thing". My GF loved going out with her friends and after final exams even chose to go out and celebrate with them instead of with me who supported her through her entire schooling. We broke up about a month before she graduated and I think now she will have to face a bit of a reality check when friends don't manage to stay in touch because they're all off chasing careers, having relationships, getting married, etc.

 

I'm sure he's affected the same way by being in this class, and will face a bit of a reality check when it all ends.

 

I would definitely go NC for the next 3 weeks (it may seem impossible but occupy your mind and it will go quickly). Right now, don't bother trying to decide if you will talk to him on graduation day or not. It would be pointless to try to decide now. See how you feel after the 3 weeks.

[MinziGirl]

Sometimes relationships takes strange ways & love is so fragile. Heard so many stories of people who are supposedly in very steady relationships then for no reason were broken up the next day.

 

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong... Such behaviors were not so frequent in the times of our grandparents, isn't it? Sometimes, i think it has to do with the media because a lot of people look to them as models...

[Exit]

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong... Such behaviors were not so frequent in the times of our grandparents, isn't it? Sometimes, i think it has to do with the media because a lot of people look to them as models...

 

I'm sure relationships are affected by the other aspects of our "fast-paced" lifestyles. Doesn't seem as though too many people are willing to stick it out and really make it work with a partner. Too many people want a quick easy fix, a new relationship instead of fixing a current one, much like people will try ten different diet pills before ever hopping on an exercise bike.

[BlueEyedGirl]

My brother has been living with his gf for 4 years. They get along great, never fight etc. Yet he constantly says that he doesn't deeply love her, sees no long term potential and does not plan on marrying her (says this to me, not her). He is also looking out for someone more suitable. He is with her for companionship and sex (as selfish as that sounds). He is very honest with me about those things. I feel like your ex sort of felt that way about you. He wouldn't be able to de-attach so quickly if he was deeply comitted to you.

[caz83]

Yes the way he easily detached himself does confuse me. But only me and him know what our relationship was like and I honestly think that if he didnt really love me I would have been able to tell, because I have been in a relationship before where I felt like that and its not easy to hide. But this ex was always so affectionate, possibly even more so than me! he wold tell me he loved me 20 times a day, constantly buying me silly little things that he saw and thought of me, leaving little notes around the apartment, we had even been planning on moving back to my home town later this year and he had begun looking for jobs, he talked about marrying me and said he knew exactly how he was going to propose etc etc. and he was still like this only a few months ago. I honestly believe that if he didnt love me like that I would have been able to tell. We were completely fine untill he met her. I think the problem was, and he kind of implied this himself, was that we had got into a bit of a routine of getting up, going to work, having dinner, watching TV then going to bed and we were always busy with work. So I definitly think it is a case of thinking "the grasss is greener" as she is young and carefree, lives with her parents so hasnt got commitments and goes out and gets drunk with him and his new friends all the time. But he needs to see that the way we were is the way it gets with anyone when you live together and have grown up jobs! But I think that is what the problem was. I probably seemed boring in comparison to her.