Why didn't he tell me goodbye?

[sandy12345678993]

So me and my boyfriend dated for 7 months. I'm 25. He's 26. We got together in September. He was a recent dad and recently seperated from his ex-wife but hadn't gotten divorced yet. She kicked him out. No reconciliation was going to happen. He was adament about that. This was his second marriage. We met while he was working in my area and stayed at the hotel I work at. He travels around the Midwest and works in an area for a few months at a time then goes to another one. We got together and really only had about 2 weeks together before he was leaving again. It was such a good 2 weeks though. It was long distance and I knew that from the beginning. We texted and talked multiple times during the day. We were able to see each other about once a month on the weekends for the first 3 months, the last time at Christmas. I told him that I loved him then, and he told me he loved me. After that our schedules didn't allow us to see each other as conveniently. I have a small child. It was hard to find a babysitter. I offered to see him once in February, but he told me that he was going to be working all weekend and it wasn't a good time. Again in March our schedules didn't allow. Things had gotten kinda weird with us by now. He was being distant and I was always asking him questions about our relationship. In April, he texted me and asked if we should take a break. He felt he needed to focus his attention on getting his divorce. This is exactly what we said. His responses are in bold.

 

 

6:30 - What's happening to us?

6:30 - What do u meen?

6:45 - How happy are you with me right now?

6:50 - Idk i meen we don't see eachother do to work and everything. Do u think we need a break for a little while?

7:00 - No. I just feel like we're drifting and i'm losing you and i don't know how to fix it and i don't know what you want.

7:05 - The last time we were together u asked me to get my divorce and i haven't done that yet. Not cuz there's any chance of me and her fixing things. I do love u and i understood what u meant and i feel bad for that maybe we should take a break until i get that done.

7:11 - That's just sounds like a bull**** reason to break up with me 4 months later.

7:12 - Not breaking up with u just a break so i can get my stuff taken care of

7:13 - What's the difference?

7:16 - The difference is i'm not gonna see anyone else and as soon as i get this crap handled i'm all urs 4ever i just want to get this weight of my bull**** marriage off my shoulders and move on with u

7:26 - A month ago you were afraid of me leaving you and now you want to take a break from me. How is being with me distracting you from getting a divorce?

7:36 - It's not but i can't give u my full atention right now that's all and u deserve that i just want u to b happy sweetheart

7:40 - If you tell me it's for my own good does it make you feel better about it? How long have you been thinking about this break?

7:42 - It doesn't i do care for u and love u i just want to b clear of this and then give our relationship my all

7:44 - How long have you been thinking about this?

7:44 - idk

7:47 - Sounds like at least 4 months to me. Is that why i haven't seen you?

7:47 - No not 4 months

7:52 - At least a month cause you asked me if i still wanted this. When were you gonna tell me? Or were you just waiting until i asked?

7:55 - Idk but when u asked i felt i should say something and i do love u i just need amin to get this under control

7:58 - Why's it such a big deal all of a sudden?

7:59 - i just want to give u my all hun and right now i can't

8:02 - How long does it take to get a divorce when you're never home?

8:04 - I plan on going home to take care of it soon hun and like i said as soon as it's over i will devote my time and mind to u

8:06 - So i just wait for you.

8:10 - Yes i would like that but i understand if u wont

8:17 - Are you setting me free to see if i'll come back?

8:19 - Maybe so but just know that i do love u and will b back 4 u

8:22 - What am i supposed to say?

8:23 - Ok do what u have to and i support u

8:40 - You're just breaking my heart telling me that you don't want me now. And what if i wait and you don't want me later?

8:44 - I will baby goodnight i promise

8:47 - So that's it? You break up with me over a text?

8:48 - no

8:49 - You said goodnight i assumed that was it.

8:50 - No talk to u still

8:53 - You could at least call and tell me you don't want to be with me.

8:53 - I do call u tomorrow

8:56 - Ouch. Not now huh?

 

 

That was the last time i heard from him. I was hurt. We didn't discuss rules of the break, but I assumed we would talk about it. He didn't call me for a week. I sent him a text telling him that I missed him and would be there for him. But i did not get a response. I thought I was waiting for him and giving him his space. So then a month later I tried to call him to talk. His phone number is now not a working number. I have no idea what happened to him, if it's something bad or if he simply doesn't want to talk to me. His phone was the only way I had to contact him besides his mailing address. He didn't have email. I sent him a letter a few weeks ago explaining my feelings about the relationship and the "break." So far no response. I don't know that I'll ever get one. My question is this: Why would he go through all the trouble of telling me he was going to come back if he had no intention of doing so? Why wouldn't he just be honest and say that he didn't think things were working out. That was cold and cruel and completely heartbreaking to me. I loved him so much, and that's what I got. Not a meeting, or a phone call, but a text message about a break and a promise of coming back. Not even a goodbye. Why wouldn't he tell me goodbye? I'm so lost, and now I don't know what the next step is. I didn't think he was that much of a coward to ask me for a break and give me hope that he is coming back and then change his phone number and never talk to me again. Now what do I do?

[boogieboy]

If in the event that he IS lying, hes a damn coward for leading you on. But my ex told me she wanted a break, and she never said to wait for her, or that she would be back.

 

You have a choice.

Wait for him, which will probably rip your heart out weaiting or him to call..

 

Forget about him, so you can heal. If he comes back after dissappearing you probably wont feel the same about him anyways.

 

Not being able to contact him is a good thing, because now you can heal from this.

 

i would assume that he found someone else. I would never do a LDR just for this reason. I think he wanted to take a break because he wanted to see a new girl, but didnt want to have to concentrate on two women. So consider yourelf lucky that you cant contact him, you can heal faster this way. Erase everything you have about him, and move on.

[Cora]

I totally agree with boogieboys response. Delete everything of him and move on! I had something similar happen to me. My ex was long distance and we were together for eight months. I simply adored and loved him so very much! We never had any talks of a break or breaking up and everything seemed to be going well. The only thing I could think of looking back is that he became a bit distant the last month or so. I was planning a trip up to visit him in March. I had already purchased my ticket and everything. Everything had been arranged and payed for and I was sooo excited!!! Our last conversation was the end of February. It ended with him telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me in March! We discussed everything we were going to do while I was there and he told me how he couldn't wait to introduce me to his little boy. He told me he would talk to me later and the conversation ended. The next day I sent him a text asking how he was doing? He sends me one back saying "can't talk right now busy at work." That was the last I ever heard from him. I would text with no response. He never came online anymore. I left him countless emails with no reply. I called him only to find out that his number was no longer a working number. I was heartbroken and completely devastated!

 

I did not understand how he could do this to me with no goodbye...no explaination...nothing. He went from sounding so excited to see me to disappearing on me. That hurt like hell! I got mad and deleted everything that reminded me of him. I basically deleted him from my life and boy did that help! I found out later that there was another woman. The same woman he told me once before he had broken up with. The same woman he became engaged to. Three months of no contact later he tracks me down and contacts me. He would never give me an explaination of why he left me like that. Only thing he said was...."I'm so sorry for hurting you like I did. I realize what a selfish prick I was and I am so sorry." He would never tell me why he felt he had to do so. Mostly because he was a coward. The point is you will most likely never get your answer. You may be lucky but most likely you will either never hear from them again or they will make up some stupid excuse. When they do come back into your life they only cause more pain and heartache. You are so much better with no contact believe me.

 

What he did to you was selfish and cowardly. It was uncalled for and you deserve better. The best thing you can do is forget about him. I am so sorry this happened to you and I wish you the best! Hang in there....I know how tough it can be!

[Lyssa]

I am so sorry this happened. He could have told you that he wanted it to end and won't be calling you anymore.

 

My take is that he probably went back to his wife to work things out. It's hard to tell, really.

 

I know it is easier said than done but it's best you let go and move on.

[asuman]

It's hard to know what's really going on because he's not being completely honest, and that's kind of the point. He's not being honest and that speaks volumes of his character.

 

Having been through a divorce myself, I can tell you that it is not a good idea to date someone who has not actually completed the divorce process and gotten over the marriage. This guy hasn't even STARTED the divorce process, apparently, and dating someone like that is an even worse idea. Divorce is a very formal, legal process that proves that a person intends to completely break up a relationship with his/her spouse. If you meet someone who claims that they are ending a marriage, it is perfectly reasonable to expect that they prove that intention by going through the legal process to end it. Since this guy is nowhere near doing that, I don't think he is ready to truly end his other relationship, much less move on to a brand new one with someone like you.

[sandy12345678993]

Thanks everyone. I have my bad days when I don't understand anything and can't believe what happened. I still miss him terribly. And then I have my good days when I'm strong and rational, and even if everything still hurts, it seems to be healing. I supposed it's all a process, and this is just part of it.

[boogieboy]

It will take some time, but you will heal. Its a good start that you acknowledge that you want to get out of the situation. Stay strong.