ednadean Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Hi, Firstly, just wanted to thank everyone that has contributed to this forum. It gave me the strength to end the emotional affair I was in with a 38 year man work with who had 3 children! I'm quite a bit younger than he is -- we met at work, he was a doctor and I a trainee doctor. Long hours at the hospital meant that we saw each other all the time at work -- he was having a tough time at home with a wife who was sick of the hours he was working -- an we connected on an intellectual level prior to a physical level. The closest we ever got to an affair was one kiss after a work party where he told me he loved me. Afterwards though -- was almost like we both realised what was at stake -- and we both have since pulled back and he's now taking the time and effort to patch things up with his wife. I guess -- what I just wanted to say to anyone out there is that a good man RARELY leaves his wife just because he's fallen in 'love' with someone else. You can't help who you fall in love with, or become infatuated with -- but you CAN help the behavior that happens afterwards. A really good man (as much as it hurts) will try everything in his power to amend with his wife and family before leaving. I think that's really important to remember. A man that leaves his family and wife for you --has a high chance of actually ending up being a bit of a scumbag. Obviously not in all cases -- but in a lot of cases. It's kind of like a horrible paradox. The man that you truly want -- would probably never leave his wife for you -- out of principle. The other thing I just wanted to say, was that reading this forum -- it really hit me how innocent/not so innocent actions can affect and have repercussions on so many innocent parties -- EAs can really screw up a marriage -- even if they seem innocent. An EA can be anything from excessive emailing to just talking about problems and issues that he/she wouldn't share with his/her actual partner. The other thing I realised was that as much as I wanted this man -- I only actually wanted to DATE him. But if he left his wife and family -- I would feel bound to actually form a long term relationship with him - maybe even marriage. CAn you imagine the guilt if it didn't work out long term? Anyway -- I'm still hurt and lonely that he's gone back to his wife on some stupid and selfish and horrible level. Even though it was what we both talked about and I 100% support that decision. I know I've done what's right -- and just in time too -- before things got past the pt of no return. Just wanted to give my 2 cents for anyone in an EA out there wondering whether to get out or not. It's really really tough because on one level you feel like you've actually not done anything 'wrong' -- but I think the best test is that if you feel closer to him that to his wife -- that's a good *be on alert* sign -- and also something that you wouldn't want to be on the other end of if you were married. *hugs* to anyone out there struggling. Just remember that you want to be the person that he is focused on 100% -- not the person he turns to when he's having a bad day. He may think about you 90% of the time -- but if he can't act on it -- then what is the pt?
Patrice Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 In the same boat ... emotional attachment via phone calls and e-mails .. he's married, I'm newly separated. Tired of waiting for discreet phone calls, him being mad if I'm out. Put up or shut up time ... strange thing is, he's told me he is in love with me and is seeking advice from a lawyer .. every weekend is a nightmare .. and I deserve better.
Author ednadean Posted June 7, 2009 Author Posted June 7, 2009 hi patrice, sorry you're in a similar boat. that's right. I read in another post that the best thing to say is "contact me after the divorce". This helps in two ways: a) it alleviates the guilt -- because he's not getting divorced 'for' you -- he's getting divorced for himself (and then has the choice of contacting you or not) b) it allows you the ability to demand and receive the respect that you deserve EA's are really hard -- I know -- especially if you form a really strong intellectual bond with this person, that you're not sure you might ever form again with anyone else -- but slinking around and never being able to go out openly and always being second best (no matter what he says -- if you were first then you'd his open partmer] to his wife -- is just not worth it -- not for anyone -- and if he loved you -- he'd see that as well. for example -- if it was the other way around, would you be o.k. with him being second to your husband, if you really loved him? And demand that he slink around? I bet you wouldn't. hang in there
Patrice Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Put up or shut up evidently was beyond the scope of caring for me .. so, I'll heal and find someone more deserving of my time and love and attention. Crumbs don't suffice for a real relationship. Move on girl ... better times coming.
Patrice Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 When men form emotional attachments with women outside of their marriage .. and sleep with their wife at night ... what does that bode for you and I? These are not good men .. they're preying on us. Move on and keep in touch ..
Author ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 hmm...he's made contact w/ me again... I've responded - but kept it very very platonic. it's hard with EA's to do a full-on NC --- because it all seems to dramatic.
NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 ((endamean)) Your EA sounds very much like the one my H had. And you sound like the co-worker he had it with. Neither of them could find it in themselves to demonize the other. He felt she was a good person caught up in emotions she couldn't control. She felt like he was good person who really didn't want his family to be hurt because of whatever confusion he was having (I have email proof of the few times they broke NC to say "sorry" and attempt to be friends). EAs are hard. For everybody. *hugs*
Author ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 wise words. did you and your h work it out? or are EA's harder to get over than real As?
NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 wise words. did you and your h work it out? or are EA's harder to get over than real As? Yeah, we've worked things out. We actually talk a lot more. He thought he was the strong, silent type. But the EA revealed to him that he likes to talk so long as he's being listened to (oopsie, lol). EAs are real if you ask me. The feelings in them are very real. My kids felt what he was doing and started acting out. They are too young to ever be told such things as they wouldn't understand what we were telling them. My H felt so much shame and regret over how much he hurt me and one of our kids. We didn't argue, so it wasn't like the kids witnessed fights (withdrawal on his part). But my son got the feeling that he was losing his dad and would shadow him everywhere he went. EAs are very real. And if a MW is the one having the EA it seems to spell doom for many more marriages than if the MM is having it.
Author ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 that's great news yes - I can definitely say that my EA experience with MM stemmed from his W not really being all that interested in what he had/has to say...all of a sudden there was someone new who was willing to listen and appreciate and remember is every word. Talk about an ego boost I think a lot of EAs on the part of the MM are just ego boosts for them -- not serious 'leave my w' kind of things. Whereas I think for MW --- when they have an EA --- they fall a bit harder and are willing to risk more for 'love'. I think sometimes MM are just a bit more pragmatic...and usually...the wives of MM are perfectly good wives -- and not worth the drama of the potential 'upgrade' which would mean a downgrade for every other facet of his life.
Graduate Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Hi Ednadean, just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation and reading your posts really helps me. So thank you and I hope your sadness and loneliness will end soon. I think you are doing the right thing 100%, but I know it is very hard if you have real feelings for someone. You should be very proud of yourself for ending this and if you believe in karma, than I think you got a very good, single man coming your way very soon! Hugs. Graduate
Author ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 hi graduate, glad i can be of any help to anyone! sorry you're in the same situation -- are you trying to get out of an EA as well? EA's are hard -- because part of your fantasy mind wants to go into the A -- but the logical part of your mind knows that it's wrong and would bring eventual sadness and hurt to all parties -- and the rest of you feels guilty for even fantasising about an A!
Author ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 oh -- also like to add that an EA affects the OP mentally as well! Especially in the dating scene. Even though you're not in an actual physical relationship with anyone -- you still don't feel like going out with anyone else -- because you've got such a strong bond with the person you're having an EA with. Even now, I feel like I'm 'taken' when the real truth is that I'm absolutely 100% single...just not mentally. Just another reason to try to break these things off
delirious Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I thought it interesting that you said even if MM fall in love with someone else, MM are too pragmatic to give up every other part of their lives. I think women are more likely to do that for true love. Often on here, people say if he loved you, he would leave, well I do not believe that is true. But I must say, you sound too logical to be really in love, maybe strong attraction, but when/if you move on to the physical side, after you have had an EA for a time (I have) then you will probably really fall in love and that hits much much harder.
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