xMM is telling everyone I am woman scorned

[jj33]

Well he seems to think we are going to just forget the bickering and its all fine....

 

I guess in his mind this was just an annoying but satisfying round of does she still love me, can I still get under her skin and yes he triumphed again....

 

But he did not because I cant have this interfering with my work. Carhill, I hadnt seen your words when I did this but decided nailing anything would be a bad idea (and my crass speech belies my many years)

 

Ronni and Aweome, thank you.

 

Before reading this I sent him a note saying dont read all the rest knowing that you think so little of me and felt the need to tell me much of the industry agrees with you, there really is nothing more to say. So I will do x, and you will do y, and when I hear that y is done, then you wont hear from me anymore.

 

And that will be that.

 

I am stunned, and saddened and hoping that one of my sort of partners is not one of the people badmouthing me to him. I did ask him to let me know about that as his final act for me will see if he does.

 

I am just stunned. He has been so so nice to me for the past few months and now just like that he is attacking me and undermining me. All because I told him to stop provoking me about something. I am desolate over the thought that so many people dont like me. I know its true, I am one of those people you either like or you dont. But he just didnt have to bring it up. Its simply mean.

 

We made it for so long with the business relationship, I just never thought it would be a problem. I am shocked. Absolutely shocked. And stunned and so so hurt and sad.

 

I work for myself and I live by myself and I do everything alone by myself for myself... and he was the one person I really thought believed in me. I knew lots of people didnt like me but I just try not to focus on that.

 

So for him to say you are unstable everyone knows it and people dont like you... well... obviously im not unstable or I couldnt do what I do and would not be a success.

 

But for him to pull that low blow.... its like I lost my only friend in the world. He blames it on me that I kicked him to the curb when he has been my loyal friend, but I kicked him to the curb when he said I was unstable. You dont get to say I am unstable (this is 2 years post A this is not some mean words in a passionate fight with make up sex after) and still do business with me. You think I am unstable you get a wide berth. You are out.

 

So now I am thinking OMG who thinks I am unstable. Are people really talking about me? Yes I am always rushed and not as formal as others but I dont think I appear unstable or hysterical or irrational...

 

Im guessing noone actually thinks I am unstable, they just dont like me and he is blurring it for his own purposes.

[Ronni_W]

JJ,

Please do NOT let that jackass do this to you! You've already established that he is mean...now it's just a matter of him proving that he can achieve ever-higher levels of mean.

 

Take a deep breath for a moment, and grab a hold of your emotions. Think this thing through a bit: I'm sure there are many colleagues whom you do not necessarily "like"...but that doesn't mean that you automatically see them as "unstable", "hysterical" or "irrational", does it?

 

This jerk-off is yanking at your most vulnerable/insecure chains. That is all. He has a mean, mean, horribly cruel streak. He WANTS you to feel like crap, all insecure and alone because he hopes that'll have you running back to him. That is all. Crap! I could come over there and kick him in his 'nads a coupla hundred times!!!

 

Think, think, think, JJ. Stay in charge your emotions...do NOT let them or him get the better of you. Most of us have a "love it or hate it" personality...especially when it comes to how we present ourselves professionally. It is NOT that you are "more disliked" than others in your industry. It may even be that you are more liked than your own vulnerable/insecure spots can allow you to see -- and I strongly suspect that is the case.

 

It's just that he KNOWS this is your weak spot and that he is a mean, cruel, psychotic, vindictive pimple of an individual!

 

NOBODY thinks you are unstable, that's who. And everyone else in your industry has their own admirers and detractors, are liked and disliked for whatever reasons. It ought not be any surprise that you are just like your colleagues in this regard. Right? Some people like you, and other people don't. Big fing whoop about that! That is the SAME for every person in your industry...including this psychotic moron, btw. And it's the same for professionals all over the planet.

 

Don't take this on board the way HE wants you to. He is just a mean-spirited, sadistic, bullying FREAK. Do NOT let him do this to your self-esteem, JJ. If you do want your self-esteem crushed by somebody, goodness' sake, choose someone with a little more...style and sophistication, yes? This guy is just a joke!

 

BIG hugs.

[fooled once]

You are too classy for his nonsense. No one will believe him.

 

Keep your head up high and he will continue to show the a$$ he is.

[Mino]

Thanks Ronni. And thanks Carhill.

 

Both right. Doesnt want to explore scary emotions and reasons for things so lets just sweep it under rug and call me crazy when I respond to it since I dont compartmentalize.

 

But the big bugaboo is if someone calls you those things, doesnt that mean you pull ALL your business?

 

Isnt that really a declaration of war?

 

So for him to say ok truce lets just forget that happened.

 

Freaking excuse me???? You said I was unstable... how the f**** am I supposed to sweep that little chestnut under the rug?

 

Bottom line - I dont think so.... And he hates that I hold that power. He hates that he may now be accountable to me for being a so cruel.

 

This is what happens to people who squealch their emotions. its the white collar equivalent of going to McDonalds with an ouzi.

 

But its not OK. And being him he wont apologize. He said oh you know I am crazay about you lets stiop all this nonsense.

 

Are you freaking serious. No fing way.

 

There ARE consequences to calling my mental stability into question. trhat is very very dirty fighting is it not? Saying you are worried about me I must not be feeling well if I am saying xyz?

 

As if I have a history of mental illness (which by the way i dont).

 

I hate to be vindictive but I am nailing his ass to the wall on this. Who the f does he think he is?

 

Its time he learned that if he wants to be in contact with me he has to be respectful and these gaslighting episodes just arent acceptable especially in business.

 

If he apologizes, fine and I will deal with his colleagues.

 

But short of that, no deal.

 

All comments welcome. I hate to be a hardass but I dont see any other option. I have lost too much time, too many tears etc etc to his games.

You nailing his azz to the wall is JUST what he wants...He wants a reaction. Respond.... dont react...He just found your hot botton AGAIN:eek:

[jj33]

Thank you all and you are right. And its ruined my weekend. again...

 

Fooled Once dont worry I didnt nail him and wont. But you are right. He wanted a reaction. He just didnt expect THIS reaction. he expected me to say oh I am sorry you are right. Silly me... how silly of me to have ever questioned you. But yes he knows my hot buttons and sadly doesnt shy away from pressing them. One day I will meet someone else and he will be surprised. I wont care anymore what he does. I will be immune to his ploys for attention. Actually going forward he wont ahve an opportunity to interact with me, so he wont have the chance to provoke me any more. I will finally be out of the line of fire.

 

All this time later I wouldnt have guessed things have gone so wrong.

 

These As are never simple are they. You think its over. You think its safely behind you and BOOM there it is again.

 

But I now think he was bluffing about telling other people I am mental. I think he got his joy from simply suggesting it to me...

[StoptheDrama]

Maybe he's objecting and acting out because he's lost his control over you?? From a lot of the threads I've read (and I'll admit my personal experience with my now xMM), many of them seem to thrive on the control they have or had over us. Your success makes him realize that he no longer has power over you. Good for you!! Be proud!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

All I can say is try to be cool and calm and not let him get to you when you know what he is saying is untrue anyway.

 

People will obviously just know you are NOT unstable, after all it would be very hard to be as sucessful as you are if you were 'mental'. Anyone who does listen to him (if he does say anything) are not worth knowing anyway.

 

He seems to be wanting to ruin your reputation. If he does spread rumours then that is slander.

 

I do agree with others that its a control thing - he doesnt like to think you can make it without him.

 

Big {{{hugs}}}, and dont let it ruin Sunday for you too.

[jj33]

Well its settled. It was suggested that maybe I needed counselling if it was still bothering me after all this time.

 

I explained that NC is the standard remedy suggested universally by counsellors. Gritting your teeth and dealing with it is not the therapeutic advice. I think that surprised him.

 

So that is what it will be. NC but for those few situations where it is necessary to get the business done.

 

Thanks again for all your support.

[Owl]

This is a classic example of why you always hear that you "can't go back to just being friends after an affair".

 

Strong emotions typically will turn into OTHER strong emotions, over time.

 

And that's what it sounds like here...you were able to "move on", but he wasn't.

 

Here's something you need to consider, my friend. He's "threatened" you professionally, but now has calmed down...FOR NOW.

 

What steps can you take to prevent a recurrence of this in the future?

[stuckinoz]

And told him I would deal with his colleagues. He went ballistic.

 

He is also saying that he is going to have to tell people WHY i wont deal with him, i.e that I am some sort of psycho b*tch who cant get over him....

 

That I am irrational hysterical and psycho....

 

 

Is it just me.........or is it completely LAUGHABLE...that all men think that women who take charge of their lives, stand up for themselves, don't put up with their bullsh**IT....WE ARE PSYCHO BIT*HES FROM HELL?

What's wrong with men ......... I mean REALLY:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Are the all just retarded! Are there no other words to use. How about...GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF! That'll never happen huh:lmao:

[2sure]

Don't forget....he may be trying to stereotype you as the "woman scorned" and that although being an OW also brings to mind certain stereotypes....

 

But in the process of name calling you, he is also going to be type casting himself. Are you sure he will do this? I'm quite sure that at this point, others know what he is about , what his hobby has been. By name calling you he is bringing to mind to the same people: HE is a spoiled brat, HE is pompous, HE has no integrity, etc. Not to mention that this screams he has NO DISCRETION

[Spark1111]

Totally agree 2sure. He is broadcasting his limitations and will succeed in doing more damage to his business than JJ could ever have done. Her work product for the last two years should stand alone and has since the ending of the affair.

 

JJ, maybe one of those colleagues spoke some truth to him, which is why he now is backing off. Maybe someone had the courage to say, "If she didn't falter before, why think she will now? Unless she leaves, idiot. Who will replace her?"

 

Hang tough girl! I am proud of you!

[confusedinkansas]

This is a classic example of why you always hear that you "can't go back to just being friends after an affair".

 

Strong emotions typically will turn into OTHER strong emotions, over time.

 

100% TRUE! Being friends with your ex after an affair is like letting an alcholic be a bartender! The temptation is ALWAYS there. Even if you think you can handle it.....the odds are against you.

[OWoman]

JJ I'm just seeing this now, and most of what I'd suggest has already been said, but a couple of things leap out for me:

 

 

• He knows which buttons to push. He's pushing them. Bear that in mind when things get to you - what he's presenting is not necessarily what's out there, rather what he knows would provoke a response in you.
  
• Your credentials are out there, and you're established in your industry. It's not like you're a noob relying on his goodwill for your business. Trust in your own reputation more. People don't have to love you to do business with you, they simply have to respect your work. The quality of your work is not in question here.
  
• The mind games he's playing with you are just more of the A dynamic - although the PA may have ended, having you available to him (albeit only professionally) has kept you in his harem in his eyes. Your wanting NC now withdraws you from his sphere of influence, and he's resisting by trying to reassert his dominance in the A. For him it's not over yet, really. And, while you still care (enough), neither is it for you.
  
• What's the worst that could happen? Really? He badmouths you, and a couple of impressionable people believe him? If he was that persuasive that he could sway 100% of people he interacted with, you'd still be in the PA with him, so clearly his influence is not as powerful as he might like.
  
• You've lived through worse. This is only offpiising because it's current. Take the long view and don't let this hiccup get to you.
  

You're a professional. That speaks for itself. His immaturity can't take that away from you, nor can his words reshape who you are.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[jj33]

Thanks OWoman. Your points are all good ones.

 

He has pulled back from this - it was an initial thing said in anger and he now realizes that he loses if he plays that game. So we now have NC. Its odd and awkward in the work context and not really half as convenient as it was to do what i need to do but it is what it is.

 

In hindsight I do think I overreacted and should have handled this far better than i did. But maybe some good will come of this.