EddieN Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 This has been on my mind, but I'm not sure whether it's correct or not. I'd like some feedback. I've been looking at some of these dating advice pages for a few days now, and it seems like most guys' lack of success is due to being too "nice," flexible, or desperate, or due to a negative harmful attitude, or both of these things. I then look at myself and my past interactions with girls, which aren't that much, and neither of these things really apply to me. I'm respectful and courteous towards women, and I don't mind doing a girl a favor if I like her or it doesn't interfere with what I need to do. I've never bent backwards for a girl, though. I've never been "friend-zoned," and I very rarely get girls (and guys as well) trying to use me or manipulate me. I am glad to say that I have a backbone. See, this is why I'm wondering if my lack of success with girls could be due to the opposite - having too much a backbone, to the point of being intimidating. Can this be possible? Someone suggested that on this site and girl friends have told me that in real life, that I give off a very strong and intimidating vibe. If this is true, I'd like to know how women react to a guy they find attractive but intimidating. I'm getting the feeling that I need to do more than just break the ice with a girl - initiate eye contact, conversations, and being clear about my interest in her. I tend to assume the girl knows I'm interested right from the start, and I think that's wrong to think that. So, I guess what I'm asking is, am I in more control than I think I am? I'm sorry if this seems obvious but I'm really just learning this social stuff for the first time (I didn't even see girls until I got to college, going to an all-boys high school).
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 See, this is why I'm wondering if my lack of success with girls could be due to the opposite - having too much a backbone, to the point of being intimidating. Can this be possible? Someone suggested that on this site and girl friends have told me that in real life, that I give off a very strong and intimidating vibe. I'm getting the feeling that I need to do more than just break the ice with a girl - initiate eye contact, conversations, and being clear about my interest in her. I tend to assume the girl knows I'm interested right from the start, and I think that's wrong to think that. Told ya so But I'll say it again. It seems like you have a lot going for you, so yes, I think you need to make your interest more clear than just striking up a conversation.
lizzylizliz Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I don't think it's you that there's the problem with. I have no problem getting guys...they just dick me over after a while, even though I bend over backwards for them, give them love, attention, don't nag, encourage them to go out with friends AND I'm cool watching porn with them. Tjere's various other things about myself which apparently guys like....but I just end up being mugged off eventually, as I am being now by my SO! Don't change yourself for anyone. That's just tragic. Someone will seek you out, and give you all the love in the world, just for being you. Don't ever change. Why betray yourself?
Author EddieN Posted June 5, 2009 Author Posted June 5, 2009 Told ya so But I'll say it again. It seems like you have a lot going for you, so yes, I think you need to make your interest more clear than just striking up a conversation. Can you explain how I should do that exactly? Like I said, I'm new to all of this. When I think back, there have only been a few girls that I really pursued hard. By my luck, those girls turned out to have really bad character...aka bitches. When they showed me their true colors I got turned off to them. I don't think it's you that there's the problem with. I have no problem getting guys...they just dick me over after a while, even though I bend over backwards for them, give them love, attention, don't nag, encourage them to go out with friends AND I'm cool watching porn with them. Tjere's various other things about myself which apparently guys like....but I just end up being mugged off eventually, as I am being now by my SO! Don't change yourself for anyone. That's just tragic. Someone will seek you out, and give you all the love in the world, just for being you. Don't ever change. Why betray yourself? Hi Lizzy. I think you maybe misunderstand my situation. I'm young (20) and I have no experience with girls. I'm not talking about having relationships fail, I'm talking about getting dates/relationships in the first place. I appreciate your advice, but my point of this thread is that girls probably won't seek me out. Instead, they'll expect me to seek them out. Taking charge is not betraying oneself or changing who I am, it's just putting myself forward.
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Can you explain how I should do that exactly? Like I said, I'm new to all of this. Without seeing what you're like in social situations with mixed company, I doubt I can be that insightful. I think in general one key thing is not to treat everyone alike, which is a mistake that I often see guys make - like, they either treat everyone, male and female, pretty much the same, or else they treat women differently from guys....but they treat ALL the guys the same, i.e., they flirt with everyone in the same way. I'm not saying that you can't flirt with anyone and everyone that you want, but you have to show a girl that you're interested in that she's a little bit different from all the other girls you're flirting with. Maybe that means you have to explicitly invite a girl to do something - maybe not even a date, but next time you're going to X bar or Y event or meeting at the dining hall at Z time with your friends, you say to that one particular girl, hey, we're doing XYZ at this time, you should stop by/come (this is best if she at least kind of knows your other friends). Also, I remember from your other thread that you said you tease girls a little bit, but you also pick on yourself. Personally, I think this is fine. However, knowing that you have trouble with girls, and not knowing how these teasing scenarios play out (what you tease them about, how, their reactions), I can see that POTENTIALLY if a girl is already intimidated by you where this might be difficult for her, or make her feel more insecure or something. Also, The Art of Seduction is one of my favorite books - if you have time this summer or between classes or whatever you may want to check it out. It's an interesting read all on it's own, well written, and you can get a lot of things from it, including how to make someone feel special. (I'm sure your interest alone would make someone feel special, but special in the way that she KNOWS you're interested!)
Author EddieN Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I definitely don't flirt with everyone. I really don't know how to flirt...that's what I'm saying. I don't know where the line is and what's appropriate. I don't know what girls like to hear from guys. The teasing is more just sarcasm or fooling around with the girl, like if she asks me a semi-obvious question I'll tease her on that. I never meet girls through friends, so it would be hard to make things more casual and invite her with friends. Besides, I think I would rather just go out with a girl alone. So far, my best success has come from catching girls after class and talking with them. I got a few "dates" that way, but they never went out with me again. I remember back in September there was this one girl I really liked. I asked her out and she quickly said yes. We spent hours and hours talking about ourselves and we really had a ton in common. She then invited me to hang out at her apartment. When we got there, I didn't know what to do. We were just sitting next to each other on the couch talking. I didn't know if I should put my arm around her. I didn't know how to do it. It just seemed so weird picturing myself doing that. She blew me off the next time I scheduled something. I hardly think about that girl anymore, but when I do, I can't help but feel like I missed out, and she's the only girl I feel that way about. I guess the best thing to do now is look at the girls I want to pursue but don't know how. I'll make another post in a sec describing three particular situations. PS - Is there any way to change the thread title? I just realized that it's a bit...scary.
Author EddieN Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Ok, here are a few specific cases with girls I've been thinking about: Girl 1 works in the gym I go too. I went to high school with her, so when I first saw her there was a bit of recognition. She seemed to be inviting to me, giving me *that* smile and saying hi when I passed. One day I stopped to get a drink from her (she was running the store) and just said hi and asked if she went to my high school (we never talked or new each other, plus I thought it would be a good opener). She said yes and we both introduced ourselves. Unfortunately, she was talking to this other guy who works there before I came and I had to cut the convo short. I'm sure there are other guys hitting on this girl, particularly the ones who work there, but that doesn't bother me. If I can get a few minutes to talk with her then I can walk out with a number, but it's hard when she's usually talking with another guy. I need a good way to approach her and something to talk about. Any ideas? Better yet, I want to know how I can show a bit of interest towards her. I'm kinda stumped on how to do this. Then in one of my classes there are two separate girls that I'd like to try to talk to. They both sit alone. Would it be reasonable to go up to either of them before class starts and just ask if I can sit with them? Or is that awkward? And then there are maybe 2 or 3 girls that I used to know and talk to a while ago. At the time, those girls weren't single but now they are. The only link I have to them is facebook. I realize talking over facebook might be a longshot, but I've known a lot of people that hooked up that way. What's a good way to reestablish contact and eventually get to getting numbers and asking these girls out?
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