Woggle Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 But regardless of what the BW was like' date=' you still wouldn't abandon the friendship, right?[/quote'] It would depend. Usually somebody that betray one person will betray another so they probably have done something else already.
ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 hmm. if they haven't TOLD you and you've found out by chance, then I would keep out of it. IF the OP has taken you into their confidence -- then I would try to talk some sense into them -- but I would NEVER go to the other party -- no matter what. Once must always keep one's confidences sacred.
Athena Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Twenty odd years ago I made a friend whose baby was the same age as mine. We were friends for a year when she divorced her second H. Then she started openly flirting with my H. I didn't pay much attention to it. Then one day I was helping her move into her apartment, when her new date came to get her. She told me he was a married man! I was kinda horrified to hear that just because her second M didn't work out, that she felt free to help destroy somebody else's marriage! I looked at the guy, and he was not attractive physically, so I asked her what she saw in him, and she laughed and said not much, but she liked the attention! I cautioned her about messing with somebody's marriage, especially since she wasn't even serious... and when she didn't pay heed, I distanced myself from her. No more friendship -- she was being destructive. Years later I met a woman who I fast became good friends with. She admitted she had recently ended an affair with a divorced man (she was married). I always encouraged her to NOT go back to her OM. I continued to be friends with her, even when we both moved to different countries. Then, she went through a couple of years of hardship with her H and her M. After getting a divorce, she started dating a man who cheated on her, and beat her up, and called the police on HER! I constantly advised her to leave him, but she would not, since she 'loved him'... apparently more than she loved herself... I simply couldn't bear to hear of all the things he did to her, and still, she would go back to him... after he broke her leg and she lost her job because of that injury, and had no money, her Internet and phone access was disabled and we lost touch for a few months. I finally managed to track her down after a year, through her mother, but when I heard that she was STILL with that crazy man, I couldn't bring myself to contact her! She was being destructive. I like to help friends out, but how can you help someone who is hell-bent on self-destruction? This kind of negative behavior simply spreads -- it's not good for anyone...
bentnotbroken Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Athena, I like the way you put that(good to see you again by the way:) ), destructive. I am more than willing to help remove oneself from trouble, I am not willing to aid and abet trouble. Marriage has a Godly significance for me, so that will always come first. If my friend called today and say I am in trouble, help me....I would drop everything and go. I cannot help destroy someone else's life and family. My silence would make me an accomplice. I told my SIL that MY brother was cheating on her. Didn't change my love for my brother, but did let him know that right is right and I won't help him do wrong, ever. We moved from that crap as kids.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 9, 2009 Author Posted June 9, 2009 She was being destructive. I like to help friends out, but how can you help someone who is hell-bent on self-destruction? This kind of negative behavior simply spreads -- it's not good for anyone... I feel the same way. I am floored that she had some married guy come pick her up at your house!!!! That's a boundary issue for me. Do NOT have your partner in crime involving me or my household in that. Its one thing for us to continue a friendship while it is going on - preferrably not in front of me. Its another to sneak having him show up at my house like its "in public" to make yourself feel better about the relationship. Yeah, I'd say she was being destructive. Aye yi yi!
silktricks Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 I have a friend who has had a number of affairs with married men. Two men have left their wives for her, each time she terminated the affair. One of them actually left two (different) wives for her..... (long story). Anyway, I have never "supported" her in that she knows full well that I don't agree with her life style, but I am still her friend. We share history, we share laughs, we enjoy each others company. She'll cry on my shoulder when sad and complain about her latest conquests foibles. She's a friend.
2sure Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Good question. When I was an OW, it wasn't anything announced to anyone. But I did tell one friend who was also a single woman. She was quite curious about the whole arrangement, did not approve mostly because of her religious beliefs, but didn't judge me in a malicious way. After that particular lifestyle for me stopped, I remarried, became a BS and my whole perspective changed. NOW - she is seeing a MM. She has told me point blank that my previous affairs with MM were her inspiration. I am aghast. I have trouble with both supporting her (just listening) and at the same time telling her this is NOT a good decision. Its a really bad one for her in particular. She is lonely, she is very very vulnerable, has no self esteem and is more of a dreamer than a doer. I can see exactly where this is going. If she were a friend more confident, more in touch with reality, and could take it for what it was.... I would be more accepting of her choices for herself, whether I approved or not.
Recommended Posts