NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I didn't want to TJ the HisSweetThing thread, but wanted to discuss this further. There seems to be a belief by some that being a friend means never disagreeing with their choices. I don't share that persuasion, honestly. I have had many a friend be an OP, and as each friendship was different, so, too were the outcomes. Sometimes the friends distanced themselves as they didn't want anyone to know what they were doing (got too wrapped up in their MP - male and female), and they started coming around for advice or a kick in the pants. Sometimes I had to distance myself seeing as the friend was being destructive and its not wise to allow destructive people too close to your heart or home. And, sometimes the friendship continued as it always had because the friend didn't change the way we conducted our friendship (this was usually with the MPs that were having As). So, what would you do if a friend was the OP? For me it really depends on the *type* of A they are having and the choices they are making while having it.
OWoman Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 So' date=' what would you do if a friend was the OP? For me it really depends on the *type* of A they are having and the choices they are making while having it.[/quote'] For me it would depend on whether the A was making them happy or unhappy, creating stress in their lives or relieving stress, bringing laughter and light or misery and depression. If it was a downer, I'd advise them to get out of it - as I'd advise anyone in any unhappy R of any kind - but if they didn't, I'd continue to support them as a friend... but not uncritically. And if it was a source of energy, I'd celebrate with them.
Full Of Hope Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 That's not exactly what I meant. I said I had the support of my friends and family. What I didn't say was the capacity in which it was given. By support, I mean looking out for my best interest. Some are very concerned for my well being, and think it would behoove me to end the relationship. However...those who have met him and truly understand the connection are actually rooting for me. They are rooting for me because they believe this man is the best thing that has ever happened to me...so they are looking out for my best interest as well...
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 They are rooting for me because they believe this man is the best thing that has ever happened to me...so they are looking out for my best interest as well... But at the end of the day, you have no control over whether or not he ends up with you forever. That is up to him and his wife.. Only control you have is whether you stay in the affair or end it. Sure your friends want to see you happy, but have they seen the flipside? The parts of you that are unhappy, sad, hurt? The rollercoaster ride part of your affair?
tami-chan Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 I would tell her to post on LS! or at least read the struggles that come ( or may come) with it. I would tell her,that I will always be her friend but she is not allowed to use me or use my name as part of her lies or excuses.
ednadean Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 it's tough. You can't help who you fall in love with though...and you can't judge. If the man had children though -- that's a difficult one to be totally non-judgmental about IMO. If the man has no children -- I think the wife is on more of an equal-playing-field...potentially.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 I would tell her to post on LS! or at least read the struggles that come ( or may come) with it. I would tell her,that I will always be her friend but she is not allowed to use me or use my name as part of her lies or excuses. I would send her to a site for some sort of support too, but I don't want to share LS with ANYONE IRL!!! LOL. I don't think most of the people that I know have regular internet access though. But I could print some of it out, if my friend believed it was from real people enough to consider their experiences.
Full Of Hope Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Sure your friends want to see you happy, but have they seen the flipside? The parts of you that are unhappy, sad, hurt? The rollercoaster ride part of your affair? They have...and I know it sounds crazy, but they help keep me centered. They believe the end will justify the means...as do I.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 That's not exactly what I meant. I said I had the support of my friends and family. What I didn't say was the capacity in which it was given. By support, I mean looking out for my best interest. Some are very concerned for my well being, and think it would behoove me to end the relationship. However...those who have met him and truly understand the connection are actually rooting for me. They are rooting for me because they believe this man is the best thing that has ever happened to me...so they are looking out for my best interest as well... I didn't read your response on that thread, I don't think. I just recall stuckin?? asking if another poster would just abandon a friend. I think that is a misconception. Most people don't abandon friends unless the friendship was shaky to begin with. Nothing wrong with that. Not all friendships are forever. Just like with marriage, there is divorce, we can end friendships, IMO.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 They believe the end will justify the means...as do I. Does your MM have children? How long has he been married? Has he said he's leaving his wife? How long have you been having an affair with him?
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Author Posted June 6, 2009 it's tough. You can't help who you fall in love with though...and you can't judge. If the man had children though -- that's a difficult one to be totally non-judgmental about IMO. If the man has no children -- I think the wife is on more of an equal-playing-field...potentially. This is the line that I draw too. One situation a friend got pregnant by a married friend. I didn't distance myself, but she did. And when his W, another friend, found out, all hell broke loose. I'm glad that I wasn't too close to the situation, but I wished she would have let me be there for her in some way. The friendship has since died because the circumstances under which we became friends ended when she stopped her involvement (church). Sometimes a friend will try to keep you out of it to keep you from having to pick sides, or feeling like you have to pick sides. (Oh, I forgot to add that the MM had kids and thats why it was relevant. LOL. )
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 You can't help who you fall in love with though... But can choose to control it. Feelings can be felt and not be put into actions.
Full Of Hope Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Does your MM have children? How long has he been married? Has he said he's leaving his wife? How long have you been having an affair with him? Yes, he has kids, and he's been married a very long time. Yes, he will be leaving his wife. It's been almost a year now since this started. Guess it's time to post my story...
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Does his wife actually know that he is leaving/divorcing her? Yup, post your story that way I won't be threadjacking this thread by asking you questions..
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Anyone else have any friends become OPs? Male or female OPs.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I would try to talk some sense into him. If that doesn't work he will just have to learn the hard way.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I would try to talk some sense into him. If that doesn't work he will just have to learn the hard way. Would you abandon the friendship during this time if talking sense into him doesn't work?
Woggle Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Would you abandon the friendship during this time if talking sense into him doesn't work? Not really but after he gets burnt I will not sugarcoat things.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Not really but after he gets burnt I will not sugarcoat things. I like this difference between men and women. Men typically don't ditch friends unless they have a personal beef with the guy friend. Women ditch friends over how they see them treat their kids.
bentnotbroken Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I had one friend. We had been friends since kindergarten. When I found out the guy she had her baby with was married, I asked her how she felt about him. She told me she loved him and planned to do whatever she had to do to be with him. She also told me that getting pregnant was part of her plan. I can't deal with someone using children to be with a scum bucket. I tried to be supportive for a while. Tried showing her what she was doing to his wife and their children. She didn't care. Kept calling the wife a biotch and saying that he didn't even think the kids were his anyway. So Maury Povich. Anyway we parted company. I prayed she would see the light, but I heard she moved on to another MM and now has another child.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 I had one friend. We had been friends since kindergarten. When I found out the guy she had her baby with was married, I asked her how she felt about him. She told me she loved him and planned to do whatever she had to do to be with him. She also told me that getting pregnant was part of her plan. I can't deal with someone using children to be with a scum bucket. I tried to be supportive for a while. Tried showing her what she was doing to his wife and their children. She didn't care. Kept calling the wife a biotch and saying that he didn't even think the kids were his anyway. So Maury Povich. Anyway we parted company. I prayed she would see the light, but I heard she moved on to another MM and now has another child. I think I would have done the same thing or something close to it. I don't blame you from removing yourself from the situation. Who needs this kind of drama? I'm sure all she wanted to talk about was him and his W and complain about how her "plan" didn't work. That would be enough to end a friendship over. I think this is the reason why men and women are different in this regard. Men don't sit around talking mostly - they DO things together. But women talk AND do things together - mostly talking the whole time. And noone wants to be a captive audience listening to nonsense all night. Its maddening.
GreenEyedLady Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If my friend was an OP, I'd probably just keep my mouth shut and listen. Unless she asked for advice and I'd give her my opinion. And it would depend on the situation. Example: she's married and a "couple" friend. I think mostly I wouldn't want to know about it. I lived it to an extent. And it's not a place I'd want to go back to, even though it ended up working out for me. In my case, my BFF's H left her 8 years ago for a stripper. I always talked about my R until I found out he was married. I told her what I found out but I never discussed it much with her. I didn't want to hurt her and bring back bad memories either. So we didn't talk as much and when we did, I just didn't say much unless she asked. I must say she is a very classy lady and a wonderful friend. She was supportive in a way that neither condemned nor condoned. And our friendship has returned to it's normal state. I mean 24 years is a long time to have someone as a friend. We have known each other over 2/3's of our lives. I'm glad she stuck it out with me.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 If my friend was an OP, I'd probably just keep my mouth shut and listen. Unless she asked for advice and I'd give her my opinion. And it would depend on the situation. Example: she's married and a "couple" friend. I think mostly I wouldn't want to know about it. I lived it to an extent. And it's not a place I'd want to go back to, even though it ended up working out for me. In my case, my BFF's H left her 8 years ago for a stripper. I always talked about my R until I found out he was married. I told her what I found out but I never discussed it much with her. I didn't want to hurt her and bring back bad memories either. So we didn't talk as much and when we did, I just didn't say much unless she asked. I must say she is a very classy lady and a wonderful friend. She was supportive in a way that neither condemned nor condoned. And our friendship has returned to it's normal state. I mean 24 years is a long time to have someone as a friend. We have known each other over 2/3's of our lives. I'm glad she stuck it out with me. One of my good friends (that my H didn't like, LOL) was always cheating on her H. She always told me about it. And it was rarely ever the same guy. She only told me when they got together as she likes giving TMI. But our friendship never changed. She didn't ask for advice or validation (permission), so we just kept going on with business as usual. I know what you mean.
Woggle Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 If one of my friends was married to a good woman and cheating on her then I would take issue. I just feel that a good woman is hard to find and if you have one you don't ruin it. If it were one of my friends married to nags that treat them worse than garbage then I still would not condone it but I would be much more understanding.
Author NoIDidn't Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 If one of my friends was married to a good woman and cheating on her then I would take issue. I just feel that a good woman is hard to find and if you have one you don't ruin it. If it were one of my friends married to nags that treat them worse than garbage then I still would not condone it but I would be much more understanding. But regardless of what the BW was like, you still wouldn't abandon the friendship, right?
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