lexi29 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I'm not married-feels like it though... My fiance and I have been together almost five years with a break about two years ago. We were supposed to get married last fall but I postponed that. I'm just curious how much time couples spend together after they have been dating a long time or are engaged or married. My fiance used to want to spend every waking minute with me. He was always asking me to go do things or whenever I'd ask him to do something he would go. Last summer and fall we did a lot together (went on two weekend vacations) and spent a lot of time together planning a wedding. But now (since the nice weather) he just seems different. Recently, one of his coworkers and his wife have been inviting us to their house for bonfires almost every weekend. I've gone twice. It was ok, but it seems like the guys just sit there and talk about work and I'm supposed to make small talk with the guy's wife. She is nice, but 50 years old, has a daughter older than me and a 13 year old granddaughter. Also she is disabled and does not work so we don't have really anything in common. Still I went twice and it was ok but not the most fun thing. My fiance says he understands how I feel because a few weeks ago he stopped at his new neighbors' house for a bonfire and he was talking to the neighbor's dad for twenty minutes and he said as soon as the dad stopped talking to him, the husband and wife just talked amongst themselves and he felt ignored and didn't have anything to say to what they were talking about so he left. Said it was boring. So he gets that is how I sort of feel with his friends. There have been three times in the last two months when he went to these bonfires by himself (or took his son as his friend has a young son too) and I had no problem with that. But lately it seems if there is a choice between the two of us spending some quality time together or him running off to bs with his work friend (and its not like they are going to bars so I don't mind) he will pick hanging out with his friend. I brought this up the other night, because I'd picked up his son and made dinner for all of us and my fiance came home, gave me a kiss, said I love you and then went outside to smoke and the neighbor was looking for his septic tank and my fiance and his son went over to help him dig up the yard. I got really upset because we've barely spent any time together lately (he had to work last weekend) and I told him I was going to go home. Because what is the point of coming over if he's going to never hang out with me. He said he just prefers being outside and wasn't ignoring me, that I could have gone to the neighbor's with him and since he was in sight the whole time he didn't see what the big deal was. I told him I miss little things like watching tv and cuddling once in awhile and he said when its nice out he hates watching tv and would rather just be outside staring at cars going by instead of trapped inside watching tv. Tomorrow he is going fishing with another guy from work. He's been talking about going for awhile now. I have no problem with him going but don't really want to go. I like fishing (but dont' have a license) and I think I'd just feel like a 3rd wheel. He told me I can go if I want to but I suspect he'd enjoy himself more if I stayed home. When I told him we need to spend more time together (one on one) instead of hanging out with his friends every weekend, he said "wow you are really different from everyone else!" and I asked what that meant and he said his friends from work's wives really don't care if they spend anytime with their husbands and they are always outside or gone and their wives have no problem with it. Said his brother's wives are the same way. This is the same guy who just a few months ago was driving me crazy becuase he always wanted me to do EVERYTHING with him and his son. I told him, its different because the guys he works with are older and they've been married 10-20 years, some have grown kids etc so of course their wives are probably glad to get rid of them. We are young and I want to spend time with my fiance. It just feels like if I want to see him, I have to go whereever he wants to go or the other option is I can stay home by myself. I try to be accomodating but I'm starting to feel neglected. I'm supposed to move in very soon (and he says he's excited about it) but I'm starting to feel he is taking me for granted. I asked him how he'd feel if I just took off with friends and was gone all day (doing something he didn't want to do) and he said he wouldn't mind because he knows I'm going to come home to him. This whole disagreement started last weekend because he worked all day and we had maybe five hours to spend together and I was just getting over being sick all week and wanted to just relax with him and his son. Well his friend (who i'm starting to hate through no fault of his own) called and wanted us to come over for a fire (they were just at my fiance's house for a fire the weekend before) and he said it was up to me and i said no because I was getting over bronchitis and didn't want to breathe in all the smoke. He didn't get upset (his son sure did though!) but I just feel like if I keep turning down hanging out with his friends, he's not going to like me anymore. But I want to be selfish and have him all to myself once in awhile! I told him we should think of things we both like to do so we can do them together (or with his son). Everything else in our relationship is normal- we still have sex a lot and we can talk about anything. But I just don't think we are spending enough QUALITY time together (or with his son). how much time do you normally spend (quality time, not just in the same room doing different things) with your SO?
NoIDidn't Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Maybe you should aim for actual quality time as it seems more like you are looking for quantity time. What you have said doesn't sound abnormal. Relationships have ebbs and flows. Right now, he wants to do things outside that don't necessarily include you all the time. You guys just need to negotiate the 'whens' of when he takes off and you aren't with him. Create a template of what you are willing to agree to. Something like saying you want two uninterrupted nights a week with him where you can get that quality time. Then he can put his schedule around those agreed on nights and you can tweak the agreement when conflicts with it arise.
mark982 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 i'll agree you need to set up a time plan for being together, but you just got done telling him you spent too much time together. geez us guys can't ever win:confused:
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Lexi, don't take this the wrong way, but it seems you're looking for problems where they are none.
NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Lexi, don't take this the wrong way, but it seems you're looking for problems where they are none. I agree. Its like she's unsure of whether she wants the relationship or not, but then tries to control every aspect of it. Lexi, try going for a regular date night and see if the time together thing is really what's bugging you or not.
giotto Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 none... married 19 years, 4 kids (always in the way ), full time jobs... we never spend any time together, alone, apart from when we are in bed, asleep! There's always some child around... I do my own thing, going out in the evening occasionally. The wife would rather stay at home watching telly, if she is not at work. She also works shifts, so that makes it even more complicated... week-ends I usually work (catching up because I look after the kids when the wife is at work - I work from home) or she is working... so, all in all I think you are lucky!
Chocolat Posted June 6, 2009 Posted June 6, 2009 Lexi, please let this guy off the hook. You have yanked him aorund for months now. You've had at least two wedding dates cancelled and you still have not moved in. I've lost count of how many times you promised to do that. So your guy is reading your signals and responding in a way that is logical. He's taking a little distance, finding other ways to be happy in his life. Make up your mind and take an action. Either get married and move in or let him move on and find someone else. Keeping this fish on the line and then dunking it back into the water periodically to keep it alive is cruel. It's one thing to have doubts and need time to work them out, but this has been going on for far too long and there is no resolution in sight.
Author lexi29 Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 Lexi, please let this guy off the hook. You have yanked him aorund for months now. You've had at least two wedding dates cancelled and you still have not moved in. I've lost count of how many times you promised to do that. So your guy is reading your signals and responding in a way that is logical. He's taking a little distance, finding other ways to be happy in his life. Make up your mind and take an action. Either get married and move in or let him move on and find someone else. Keeping this fish on the line and then dunking it back into the water periodically to keep it alive is cruel. It's one thing to have doubts and need time to work them out, but this has been going on for far too long and there is no resolution in sight. I moved my stuff in this weekend. It was a big step for me and I am just worried about the time thing because it seems like he wants to do what he wants and isn't thinking of "US". This weekend was fine, he went fishing on saturday with a guy from work. I was invited but didn't want to get up at 6am to go so I stayed home and was fine with that. I told him to stay as long as he wanted and that worried him because normally I would want him home so we can spend time together. He had a good time and called me around lunch time and came home around 4pm. We did some shopping and planted some flowers. Had a decent day. But yesterday I thought he'd be all affectionate and sweet because he had his "guy time" yesterday and his freedom to do what he wanted etc. I wanted to go for a walk but he said his back was hurting him so basically we sat around and watched tv most of the day. On Saturday I also cleaned the house and did their laundry (something he normally does) so he wouldn't have any chores to do and we could spend the whole day together on Sunday. At first he cuddled with me on the couch but later sat on the floor (said he always sits on the floor when he watches tv-whatever) and then fell asleep when we were watching a movie. This upset me because two weekends ago I was really really sick (bad case of bronchitis or early pneumonia) and had chills and a horrible sore throat and cough and I wanted to stay home and sit on the couch (because I felt so bad) and he said I could do that but he didn't want to watch tv when it was nice outside. That he hates watching tv, that it is SO boring and he'd rather be doing something outside. Well where we live yesterday was a beautiful day and yet he was tired so HE had no problem with just sitting and watching tv. Also I was bored so I tried to intiate sex and he turned me down and promised "tonight" and said he just wasn't in the mood. I felt like saying well if me being nice and doing all the chores and letting you go out with your friends all day is just so exhausting and the next day you have no interest in me and just want to sit around and watch tv (after saying he HATES doing this) maybe he shouldn't go do things with his friends as much. But I didn't say that. I don't know... he must have told me he loves me about ten times yesterday but his actions were just like he didn't want to be bothered. And then last night he did want to have sex (after turning me down twice earlier that day) and it was fun but his son walked in (thank god the lights were off) and thats why I had wanted to do something earlier when his son was at his mom's. I just feel that he thinks since I've moved in he can slack now or something. Or that now that he "has me" I'm not important to him anymore.
hotgurl Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 wow what is he supposed to do sit on the couch and cuddle you all day! You really analize every little thing he does. So he was on the floor so he was tired and wanted to just watch TV. How does that mean he doesn't love you. you do realize this is about your internal insecurity and not what he is doing right now. YEs he has done some really crappy thing to you in the past.Things you haven't gotten over or resolved. But are you really going to spend the next twenty years thinking OMG he didn't say I love you to me tonight it means he doesn't love me. OR he hugged me but it was a 1/2 hug does that mean he doesn't love me? it will make you both miserable. As a side note your stuff is there but when does your lease run out on your old place?
Touche Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I don't know..the whole thing seems pretty petty to me. As to your question about quality time...you say that doing different things in the same room doesn't count. Well to me that IS quality time...ANY time my H and I spend together I feel is quality time. But obviously that's just me. We do talk a lot, we garden together, watch tv together, etc. etc. I really don't "keep score" as you seem to be doing...sometimes we spend more time together than other times. It's no big deal really. The whole idea is that you're sharing your lives...not owning each other's lives, if that makes sense.
Chocolat Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Lexi, When I read your posts I can't shake the feeling that there are only two possible "big pictures" here: Scenario A: Your fiance is not truly committed to you but simply wants you around to help with his son, etc. He has a double standard of acceptable behavior and does not fully consider your needs. In this case, you should leave him. Scenario B: Your fiance is a loving man who has put up with months (years?) of indecision from you and has demonstrated his love and commitment by continuing to wait for and support you. You, however, are unable to commit to the relationship and continue to take actions that will drive him away. In this case, you should leave him. If neither of these scenarios is the deal, then what is the deal?
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