LOST197 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I need a bit of advice. 4 weeks ago I finished with my BF. This was the last thing i ever wanted to do but he has put me through 3years of hell. It has been a rollercoster from start to finish. The nc is killing me but i have to do this for my own sanity. He cheated and lied for the first year of our relationship of course with me cont taking him back while holding on to his promises. Finally in Aug 08 i broke it off with him. Lets say he persisted constantly with texts emails phonecalls. Lets say that i held out for 6 months when a letter arrived (i will post over the next couple of days). I gave in yet again gave him another chance, it lasted 3 months and started to slip again. The little lies, the obsession with the internet and so on..... im trying not to go into too much detail. My problem at the moment is (apart from missing him terribly) that i have access to his email account. He knows this as he gave me p words and they have not been changed. I have not been able to stay out of the email account. And i know it is making me worse. 1 day after i broke it off he set up a facebook account (this in the past was a no go area as he had been caught trying to meet up with women before on it) and has been contacting women asking for mobile numbers, been on dates, posting pictures of him partying. He has also registered to sex websites and put an ad on the net for a woman 18-25 to share his apt with him? Now im going crazy at this though not reacting (in the past i would have reacted by getting on the phone or emailing shouting and screaming). Do you think he is trying to get a reaction from me, trying to hurt me or just plain stupid? He is more than aware that i can see what is going on and more than aware of how he has hurt me in the past. All of what he has done caused most of the issues in our relationship. I know i need to stay off it but i am finding v difficult.
Ronni_W Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Do you think he is trying to get a reaction from me, trying to hurt me or just plain stupid? Possibly, but maybe he has just decided to carry on living the rest of his life? Perhaps his actions are just what he needs to do for himself? I think...you deserve to heal and move forward without dragging emotional baggage that belongs to your past relationship. Possibly if you make your own well-being your highest priority, which you totally deserve it to be, that will give you the inspiration/motivation to stop checking his email and Facebook? Kind of, what do you want MORE? To heal and be happy, or to know what he is getting up to? And then stay in your power and don't undermine what you really want for yourself. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Sending hugs and healing.
lora22 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 I don't know all the rules, but I don't think invading your ex's privacy by checking his accounts is considered "no contact." I'm sorry that you're hurting, but your ex is not the one hurting you right now, you are hurting yourself by digging into what he's up to. It sounds like you broke up with him for good reason. It also sounds like he's only doing now the same thing he did when he was in a relationship with you. I hope this reaffirms for you that you made the right decision by breaking up with him, and find the strength to forget his passwords and move on.
girl68 Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 You brought this one yourself. You are not doing NC as you proclaim. You are in contact via email. Each and everytime you look at his email you deserve each and every ounce of hurt you experience. You know why he's doing all the chatting, emailing, and dating? Because that's what he's always done, he's allowed and he's single. Stay out of his email- self control. Period.
Soul Bear Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Sounds to me like he has been reading to many 'how to get your ex back' books. These are text book tacticts as mentioned in them. I could almost guarantee that is what he is playing at. In fact, im about 98%
Steadfast Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 Someone told me recently that after a breakup we tend to hold onto the good memories and what we wish they would have done, but it seems easier to cope when when learn to concentrate on who/what they really are instead. Then again, many of our ex's (not counting cheaters, liars, etc) may be good people; it is the fact that they don't want us that bothers us so. In response, we look for insight -or spy- to see if their actions can tell us something about the direction they are going. In my case, it was driving by my ex's house at night even after the divorce was filed. For months (after...) I didn't see anyone's car but hers, so I assumed (another mistake) that she was alone; possibly pining for me. The truth is, the guy she's currently 'falling for' is married with kids. So, when they meet it probably isn't there and it isn't at night. She's pining for him. Bottom line: If they wanted to be with you wild horses couldn't keep them away. NC is the only way to find out for sure and at the same time, help yourself move on. TOTAL nc. Stay strong.
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