Why can't I make myself stop knowing that this will end in a disaster?

[yvi6262]

I have been married for 28 years now and have been the ever loyal and faithful wife to my husband who works overseas until this other man came to my life just recently. I live alone, my kids are all faraway at work and in school, and husband comes home for a workbreak only 2x a year for the past ten years.

This other married man who is of the same age as I claims to have seen me two years ago and have been eyeing me and waited for the opportunity for us to meet after two years. We were in a social activity where our sons were involved and he started texting and calling me from that time on. I was confused at first but knowing that he is a respected man and that I know my limitations, I allowed our friendly relationship to continue but at the same time careful not to let his wife find out. Yes, I am aware that I am beginning to be the OM. I soon fell in love and for a thousand times he said he loves me too but i would joke that it is just lust.

In a month's time, we met twice and we were like the regular loveydovey pair in my place. I was the conservative type but all moral values were forgotten when I am with him. No, we haven't slept together but I fear we will soon if I will not be able to control myself .

To top it all, I told my husband that I have a stalker and that I have been friends with this man. My husband said that he trusts me and that I should be careful. I even joked to my husband that this stalker is now my boyfriend. Funnything is that my husband seems to be so cool about this affair. I also am aware that my OM is being very careful for her wife not to sense his infidelity.

Why can't I make myself stop knowing that this will all end in a disaster?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Because you are a woman, and an emotional tool addicted to the drama. Rather than doing the right thing, mentally you are drawn to doing the wrong thing because something is wrong emotionally with you.

 

All that lieing and deceitfulness is not good. Why dont you wanna cut the OM out?! that choice is yours. Women like you are naive and emotionally weak, easily led astray and have no thoughts of your own. You do what you want and dont care about who you hurt until after it's over.

 

But i remind you, you have the choice to choose between right and wrong. No one is putting a gun to your head forcing you to cheat, your doing it on your own.

[Ronni_W]

Why can't I make myself stop

Perhaps because you want and deserve more than a "husband/marriage" in name only? As you described things, it does not sound as if your marriage has been emotionally fulfilling and nurturing for either you or your husband.

 

I suspect this friendship is providing all sorts of self-affirming experiences, which you may not have enjoyed for some time. And that is difficult to give up -- it's not that you "can't" stop but that you do not want to. Which is fine...only you have walked in your shoes.

 

Would it be a "better/wiser" idea to consider having an affair (emotional and/or physical) with a single person...probably, most likely, IMO. There is also the other guy's wife and family to consider, even if you have already made decisions about your own marriage.

And I do mean "better/wiser" relative to the subject being discussed, of course -- only you have the power to judge yourself, in accordance with your self-determined values and standards.

 

Most wonderful of all would, of course, be to find a way to nurture your marital relationship so that both you and your husband can reconnect on every level. But that takes TWO people to be consistently present and available for each other, on every level...which doesn't seem to be the case for you or your husband.

 

It's tough. I'm sorry that you are finding it necessary to have to make this decision. Sending Wisdom and Guidance.

[dobler33]

wow, barracuda, i have to say that calling people "tools" and making sexist remarks is not the best way to get them to see your point and make a big turnaround. but i do think you're headed for big pain, YV, and i want to extend support for caution. i know where you're coming from - my EA came partly out of the fact that my husband is out of town for over half the year on average and i was lonely, lonely, lonely. i also had a lot of unadmitted anger and resentment toward him because of this, and for a while there all the ties of love and fidelity felt cut because i felt he had abandoned his vows to me - to be a partner and a lover and a friend, not just a voice on the phone. so i totally understand where you're at. but i have to say that it ended in big heartbreak for me and everyone else involved, and these things SO often do, no matter how rosy it looks now. i know how good it feels to be attended to, loved, desired, kept company after so many years of loneliness and isolation, and i know it feels like you can't help yourself. in a way you're a little bit right - those feel-good drugs that your brain is pounding into your bloodstream are pretty damn addictive. but if you can hear me at all through that thumping pulse (which is often totally impossible, i'll grant you) i urge you to take a minute and try to get your brain back. let me know if there's anything i can do to support you in that.

[Destiny28]

i know it feels like you can't help yourself. in a way you're a little bit right - those feel-good drugs that your brain is pounding into your bloodstream are pretty damn addictive. but if you can hear me at all through that thumping pulse (which is often totally impossible, i'll grant you) i urge you to take a minute and try to get your brain back. let me know if there's anything i can do to support you in that.

 

Right on dobler! Your SKY HIGH and out of touch with reality while the adrenaline and PEA chemicals are "drowning" your brain. It's so hard to listen to advice Yvi6262 but really try because these folks on here know what they are talking about! Don't sacrifice ruining your M over this!!! Not worth it! Causes a great deal of pain to all, including yourself.

[yvi6262]

Thanks for all the replies.

You bet it really boosts my ego knowing at this age that I am still physically admirable. Yup, those feel good hormones must really be at work double time.

I am really trying my best at NC. I don't keep his number in my directory (but I have memorized it, anyone knows how to erase it from my brain?)

The thoughts of being scandalously discovered, of being despised in the community, of a slap on the cheeks from his wife, plus the scorn of my kids, and the indelible stain this would bring to our family... I hope would be enough for me to continue this A.

And you out there who have been through this same situation would know best, yes, would really take your opinions seriously! Thanks so much!

[norajane]

Why do you stay married under the circumstances? Your husband hasn't been in your life much for the last 10 years...why have you stayed?

[yvi6262]

 

The thoughts of being scandalously discovered, of being despised in the community, of a slap on the cheeks from his wife, plus the scorn of my kids, and the indelible stain this would bring to our family... I hope would be enough for me to continue this A.

 

I hope would be enough to DISCONTINUE the A!

[Tony]

Closed by request.